Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

STBX has text me again about Form E. So when I want it done it's not important....now HE wants it done it is?? Mine would be if DD hadn't left college (and I got the car) but it should be. My SOL has had 2 weeks to update it.... if I contact her she'll charge me again. RockHard Place

I love my garden, I find it very therapeutic. At some point I knew I'd want to move someday so I started a container garden, which is very easy to care for and portable if need be. I have to have that sign of life, that spot of color in my life. You need to maintain that connection with Mother Nature, especially during times of stress.

As for STBX, my guess is OW is pressuring him now. Who knows what her agenda is. I wouldn't lose any sleep over that.

The solicitor is a concern, however, if they aren't doing their job, you may have to be the squeaky wheel and make a fuss. I know that's not your style but sometimes you have to. If you can't think of any acceptable reason for delays you may have to get loud. It's just the way it is sometimes, you have to be assertive or risk getting your needs pushed off to the side. That's not acceptable when there is so much at stake.

Ww

Let him wait for form E - why should you incur sol fees for his benefit

I love having outside space, whether thats a garden (like now) or just a courtyard - I'd be happy with either in a new place. I will compromise if I have to, some flats have a balcony which could work, a space for a plant pot and an airer to dry clothes for example. But a house would mean it's freehold and any money I pay is towards the mortgage or home maintenance that I want to do to my way of thinking.
This will be a place I will stay in for a long time, as I won't have the money to move or upgrade, so I want to get it right with as little compromise as possible.

I am annoyed that the Form e stuff can't happen yet. I had it all done, it's been done since Nov, then DD left college and it's had to change and now he's ready I'm not. It's frustrating. I will give my SOL til midweek then (reluctantly) email her asking why the delay as she didn't have much to change really and it's been over 2 weeks.
As for STBX, he has kept me waiting for months (since last Aug really as that's when he asked for the house valuations and said he was nearly ready to exchange in 'a few weeks') so a few more weeks won't hurt. I will keep him placid.
He needs to answer a few more of my questions really, including one I asked (twice) a while ago about the home videos he took on a lot of camcorder tapes, that has stuff on it I want including my Mum, I want copies of those. And I will not give up asking about it.

He asked ages ago about photos - which are mostly on my PC but some early ones are in photos albums - and I told him to give me a hard drive and I'd transfer them onto it. I'm still waiting for that. I can't just do those over night.

My mother had the English gene for gardening. She could walk through the woods and could tell you the name of every plant and tree. It runs deep, that love of the land, and so I understand the need to own a small patch that is one's own. You have to have that.

The family photos and videos, you must have those, too. I noticed my old Polaroids ought to be scanned before they fade to blurs. Every picture is worth a thousand words, as they say.

Can you keep STBX placid? I suppose we are all composed of contradictions, which I think of the sharp edges in our personalities that time wears down. But some people don't seem to ever learn to compromise and I don't think that brings them much actual happiness. Not that you much care about his happiness at this point, just that such people are indeed frustrating and exhausting.

Unfortunately I don't have the 'gene' as such, I just like flowers and greenery. Over the years we've been here we've planted some nice things that have matured and it looks pretty good. Sadly I will have to leave it all. And I just know the new owners will re-do it. ...

My SOL has informed me we are ready to exchange Form E. I will be interested to see what STBX's one looks like. I know for a fact he has 2 other accounts elsewhere (as well as the joint acct we still have and possibly one other). We will be waiting for him to make an offer first. I want to see what he thinks will sort this out. As he started the proceedings my SOL said it's usual for him to make the first move. (although we could if we wanted to).

I get the impression Form E is a moment of truth which could be very revealing, but I'm not clear on the subject. It just sounds potentially upsetting, as revelations can be. Hopefully all will be straightforward enough to move forward?

Are "tiny houses" allowed in your community? Some bucolic setting with just enough house to stay civilized and lots of lovely plants to look at outside would be perfect for you!

Form E is the financial stuff, basic outlining what money we have and if we owe any and to who. That's all it is. But it's the moment of truth to see if one or both of us have more money that we should or if one of us is hiding it.....
Before we split, STBX had taken out a few cash withdrawals (joint acct)and when asked (several times) wouldn't tell me what they were for. Will be interesting to see his bank statements to see if he's done that again. I mean, you can hide cash can't you?.....
I have nothing to hide, it's all there in plain sight but I am wondering if STBX will enlarge the truth so to speak, to make his Form E look more pathetic. Wouldn't surprise me if he took out a bigger rental place than necessary just to prove he needs more income to house himself (and make his bank statements/bank account look empty).

Tiny houses aren't that tiny, but yeah there are a few 1 bed places floating around. Ideally I could find one, then maybe add another bedroom by way of an extension somehow. But really I need 2 bedrooms to start with.

I will try not to compromise on outside space (and parking, that's a must) but it's crunch time with STBX and his offer. We shall see in the next couple of weeks what he comes back with. My SOL is going to make it a condition that we can't exchange any contract of sale on this place before I find somewhere else.

Furtive behavior sets off alarm bells but how would you prove it? Unless you think STBX won the lottery, in that case a forensic audit might be helpful. The main event is being able to afford a place of your own. Your SOL seems to have a good handle on this, which is positive. I imagine you'll be looking at his pension as an asset, as well?

Well, until I see his Form E I won't know what he has been doing.

Yep, my main goal is getting a decent enough settlement to afford a nice place to live. Simple as. (although that isn't enough on it's own to house me and both kids...)
His pension isn't much but still more than mine (5x, but still quite low as it hasn't been a priority during our marriage, debts took over) so we'll see, if we can use that as a bargaining chip for more equity then that'll be good. So far I have no clue what he's going to offer so it's an interesting yet uneasy time. He may surprise me and start with a really good high offer, or he'll shock me and go for the lowest one possible.

For what it's worth, my observation is that life is mostly lived on the margin when money is concerned. 10% can make the difference between just okay and good, for example. The fight, if there is one, will occur over the margin. His opening hand will be designed to distract from this truth. As you yourself said, for him, it's business. Well, it is for you, too, of course. I sense steely resolve on your part in this regard :-)

Oh yes, the 'margin' is everything. The difference between a 70/30 split and a 60/40 split is £20k, all the difference when looking for a new home. With the 60/40 split, that would leave us both with the same amount of money to buy a new home (incl a mortgage) BUT part of mine would be from my Dad, whereas most of his would be mortgage. In the end we would be even. And he'd keep his pension. Not sure if that's a good deal but it's the last final resort to me, I need 70/40 - even 65/35 would work to a degree. Not sure if he'll argue that DD living with him means we need a 50/50 split (as we'd both have one of the kids/adults).

DD has buggered things up tbh, as even though she'll be 18, she'll be taken into account when I get a mortgage (if she lives with me) as she'll still be in education (that's £11k's worth). Going to Uni would have made all the difference. If she gets a job (part time) then I could possibly not put her down as a dependant as she's earning her own money.

Hope you are doing well, OP. Life is full of twists and turns we don't expect, speaking from experience. Just as I made it to the retirement years with DP my health went kaboom. Heart, mostly, runs in the family. Gives you a different perspective. You find your happiness where you can, when you can.

The kids are living in a different world from ours when we were their age. They don't see the same value in investing in the future. I don't share their outlook but I understand where they are coming from.

I think you are much younger than me. Take care of your health as best you can. "Don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff." We're living in crazy times but we're living! We're still standing.

I reversed my stage 2 CHF to stage 1 with diet and some exercise - still working on the latter. I had horrible family stress dealing with legal matters awhile back, so I have some idea of how that feels. I was a lamb surrounded by wolves, it felt like! One lawyer told me, "You're not a sharpie".

This is true, but I'd just rather not be a sharpie, LOL. That's why I hired a lawyer, to be a sharpie for me. That's what you hope for, anyway. Be proud of yourself for having the strength and the resilience you have found each day to carry on despite everything.

Right now I am flicking between OK and bad thoughts. It's a cycle I seem to go through and can't predict. I can feel fine one day and like crap the next, thinking all sorts of stuff.
I managed with the snow this week pretty damn well which made me feel good. I was the only one who made it to my day job on Wed, excluding the handyman who lives literally over the road and had no excuse!, which made my manager pretty happy. Yes I was sent home after an hour as it started to snow again, but I made it. I know I can do stuff when it gets tough but telling myself that all the time gets tiring. Specially when I'm not in a good place.

I have filled in yet another online monthly mental health survey and yet again they ring me .... I don't even put the truth because I know they will ring me, but putting the lower factor doesn't seem to work either now. The lady did say she'd check because I'd been on the list since before Xmas. To be honest I'm not sure about all of this. I am a worrier. I worry about things that could happen as well as those that will happen. I am now worrying about how to fit it therapy stuff when I don't have much time during the day for appointments.

Still waiting to exchange Form E (I assume, as I haven't heard anything or received anything).
DD is out with STBX for her usual monthly visit. They are visiting his aunt in the next village, although they drove out left when the route to her house is right..... (and yes going right is the only option really as otherwise you'd be driving around town for no reason). STBX came in as he wanted to talk about my email about the house I sent the other week. I explained about sorting stuff out and various things that need sorting so we can market the property. He seemed fine with that. He agrees it could take 2 days over a couple of weekends. I still think he'd prefer to just dump most of it so he doesn't have to make decisions. We shall see.

It's weird, I am fine when he's here as it seems 'normal' but at the same time I hate it. Can't explain it. He's still thin, has new glasses - with orange bits on the arms, which seemed to match the orange 'piping' on his coat and the orange bits on his new trainers!! Have to say though, skinny jeans do him no favours.... yes that's bitchy but it looks strange. He's lost the double chins of fat (I myself still have a few!) but he's still got flabby skin there, hasn't bounced back as such. Which looks strange....
He's obviously happy, which is OK by me as I have sorted that emotional stuff out I think as I don't cry or get upset now, but he tries to act 'normal' which in itself isn't normal, it's awkward. Now I just want rid of him and to try to find some of my own happy. I am torn what to do with DD though and feel my life will never be mine, whereas his is all 'his', if that makes any sense.

I love your portrait of STBX's sartorial details with orange accents! The skinny jeans are meant to convey a hipster look, perhaps?

If your DD doesn't go to school presumably she will work at a job somewhere. Do you two get along well enough that you could share a place to live together? Or deep down do you really just want your own place?

The feelings of anxiety, bad thoughts chasing good, are not unusual during a time of stress. You haven't found your new normal yet but you will and then things won't seem so jangled. What is your ideal for your new normal?

Haha - trendy glasses and skinny jeans - he is SUCH a cliché!

I wouldn't be able to stop myself from sniggering - but then I am very childish.

I just found the orange thing weird. I did a double take....
Not sure about the skinny jeans. Personally I've never liked them on men as they're not flattering IMO but maybe they're the only ones that fit him now? I don't know. Just looks weird. Even my son doesn't wear skinny jeans and he's as thin as a rake! He just has normal jeans that happen to look like skinny ones. But STBX's are figure hugging and strange.

DD hasn't made any further progress with anything. She has a letter confirming an interview, this month, at the other local college place she wants to study from Sept but has yet to tell me about it. (the letter was on her bed, out in the open). I've mentioned a job, even STBX did when he was over here the other weekend, but that hasn't happened. And won't I predict. We even mentioned volunteering in the charity shops to add confidence and confirm she would like shop work but no dice yet....
To be honest, she's easy enough to live with but doesn't really do anything around the house so I'm kind of the skivvy and I've had enough of that. Doesn't help my mindset that STBX has just been living his life for the past 13 months while I've had to sort out DD. I think deep down I want to live on my own, but can't see that happening.

My new normal? I don't have one in mind as such. I just want a nice place to live and to pay the bills. I don't want stress. But with my mind in these dark places these days, including today, I fear I'll never have a 'normal' and these past few days I've really thought about things I shouldn't. I mean, my thoughts are 'what's the point of being here?' and getting worse. I am not honest on the monthly form I am asked to fill in as I know they will call me and I hate talking on the phone (see below).

I had to sort out a new Sky contract today after STBX's one turned off, god why is it so difficult?? I've spoken to 4 different people just to ask a few simple questions, I am not good at that and need to write it down word for word otherwise I make mistakes. I knew I had to ring as I tried online and couldn't get the answers I needed, so it's been a stressful day.
I'm ordering a service that I want but need to HAVE the equipment I don't want to make it work. How is that customer friendly? I already have a working box but they won't send a new card without the new Q equipment. Ridiculous. This is my life though, simple things are more complicated than they should be. why??

I wasn't expecting anything today but did think I'd get a card, but no, nothing. DD took glee in telling me yesterday that DS messaged her Friday to ask her to add his name to her card for me, so far I haven't seen that card and she's now gone out with friends for the evening (at short notice). I had hoped that DS would send one given he did at Xmas, but as usual he didn't. It's never been his thing. DD is usually pretty good.

Happy Mother's Day, OP! I used to receive a card but these days it's a text. (The good thing is you can reciprocate in kind on other holidays, it's very economical.)

If you had Instagram or Twitter you could simply put up a pic of a fabulous dessert you got yourself and a glass of bubbly, perhaps some flowers, too. You convey your life is wonderful, it's what social media is for. Or you could simply buy yourself a lovely bouquet of flowers and just happen to put them on the table where DD will see them.

Why? Because you deserve flowers, that's why! It's good to show everyone you know you deserve the best. Sometimes you have to spell things out because these days many people are caught up in their own little bubble. I often think the best way to break through the wall of others' self-absorption is to treat yourself well. They'll notice.

Do you think you might be feeling some depression? The dark thoughts suggest that possibility. I think it's okay to feel depressed sometimes but not all the time, if you see what I mean. Some people get Seasonal Affective Disorder in the winter. Is that a possibility?

Plus, modern life is filled with "bureaucrap" as one person put it, systems that are badly designed and yet have a stranglehold on our lives. What's depressing is having to spend your precious free time enmeshed with these failing systems when you could be taking a walk or a nap or whatever it is that restores you.

Yep, I got an fb message from DS, mid afternoon. Nothing from DD though, even though she knew what day it was as it was mentioned on the telly while we were watching it together.

I use social media but not often to promote myself.

I was diagnosed with depression last yr, the Dr promptly wanted to put me on pills, no discussion just pills and come back in 3 weeks. Nope, not for me, I was due to start my evening job 3 days later and couldn't put up with any side effects that I'd read about (online). Plus I just don't want to take pills. The lady from the online therapy thing I fill out asked me to consider it the other day when she rang (after I filled my form in, as usual). It's not something I want to get into.

If it's just me I can live with it, that's partly another reason I think DD should live with her dad. It's also a major reason I didn't have a job for a long time, and some days now I really wish I didn't as I just don't want to be around people much. I just have to smile and be nice even though I really want to disappear into a corner and keep to myself. But I have to go and I think that helps a little, as once I'm there a while I do feel better. Then I come home and have time to think..... It's a circle. I'm less stressed without STBX though, in a weird kind of way even though I still feel the way I do every day.
I have wondered about S.A.D yeah, definitely don't like winter and feel better when sunny, like I can go out and do things. But I think that's a general thing for everyone.
Trying to talk to SKY was depressing in itself tbh. They were all too busy trying to sell me things I didn't want or need than the task at hand. Glad I have a phone plan where the calls are part of the monthly cost (unlike a couple of yrs ago when I was on PAYG!). Now for installation on Sat - which I am paying an extra fee for because I can't take time off during the week day.... he couldn't guarantee a PM slot for me but they let me know the day before what slot I will have. If it's PM I will scream!

Well his Form E arrived this morning. No surprises as such, but my gut was right, he and OW already live together and have since May/June last yr. He was already with her when he moved out as there are various things on his statements that indicate that. I am such a mug. He stood in this bloody kitchen and said they were friends. bullsh*t. They already have a joint account (since living together) and he's had to include her statements as well.

So that's the reason he decided enough was enough and left. He wasn't man enough to just admit it was over, there had to be an incentive to leave. Not only did he make me wait for an EMAIL overnight to tell me our marriage was over - making sure he was at work when I read it - he had no guts to tell me he was with this OW, even when asked at the beginning, and then he insults me further by spewing crap and personal things (about me) on his divorce petition.

His statements read like a who's who of coffee shops, restaurants, premier inns and general crap. So he's made sure he has no savings by spending it all. He couldn't come over to see his daughter more than once a month but could spend £10 on coffee each week...... not to mention eating out numerous times and going to the cinema.
He also has medication for depression, anxiety and is having CBT. So he's made his form e look perfect. What a bloody f*cker. I am so mad. All his blah blah blah about having equal money, he just wanted to go out and about with his OW and sod anything else. I am too mad to think about anything regarding settlement. I am imagining the worst though. It's going to be tough to argue much more than a 60/40 split, at best.

What a spineless waste of space!
I'm not surprised you are mad - I would be absolutely furious!

On the positive side, at least you are rid of him.

That's awful, OP. Seeing it all laid out in black and white is hard to take, isn't it? I've read your posts from the beginning and I know how fair you have always been... well, he certainly hasn't been being fair to you. You have every right to be upset, hurt, and angry.

Hopefully you get a decent settlement and can move on. You know the personal things he has said against you on his divorce petition are the words of a coward and have no substance whatsoever. Nonetheless, I'm so sorry you have had to endure this.

I wouldn't be able to stop myself from saying to him when I next saw him that it was a shame he didn't have the courage to be honest with you from the beginning - especially after the things he put about you on the divorce petition. No matter what else, you have always been honest with him and you didn't deserve to be misled and maligned.

And bloody make sure you ask for 70/30 and give a good old argument (even if you lose). Where has being honest and reasonable got you?

And I wouldn't keep this from the children either - I don't think facts should be withheld from adult children.