Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

Things are still in limbo.
Now DD has decided her college stuff, I stopped the tax credits and child benefit. I've had acknowledgement of both.

Child Benefit was OK but as suspected I have been overpaid TC by just over £1k - so far. Obviously the end of the tax yr will add more, mainly as they say they have my income but they don't actually use that to calculate it, the figure they use is about £2k lower..... stupid. I tried to pay the amount they have given me now so I can get rid of it but they won't accept a payment until the tax yr has been calculated and the whole amount is paid! Both online and on the phone were most unhelpful. I will have to make sure my SOL and STBX know about the overpayment.

Trouble is I feel guilty with DD, I certainly wouldn't want to live with STBX and the location he does. If she actually went to the other college locally and did the work (and stopped lying) then fine.. A part time job on a Sat or Sun morning would also be a good move. I could also claim child benefit which would pay for her bus pass or go towards clothes/food.
I can understand your resentment comment. I already get pissed about things she doesn't do around the house. It's like living on my own anyway half the time, as I do everything.

She had her monthly meeting with STBX yesterday. I was picking the car up at the time he picked her up and then I did various things before coming home so he didn't see the car when dropping her off. Coming back I saw him from the down the road and had time to nip into a side turning. I am not trying to hide it as such, but I'd only had it for about 2 hrs at that point, at least give me time, he doesn't need to know everything as it happens! I will be informing my SOL about it and then informing him.
I asked him to pick her up/drop her off from a different place other than the house. We're not talking miles away, just down the road etc... Whether he has his OW with him or not, it's just better for me. Seeing him just sets me off - anger etc..., various emotions. He text me to ask why he can't pick her up from home and I just said I'd prefer he didn't. He said DD was taking the brunt of it and asked me to reconsider for next time. I won't be. Selfish yes but better for me. I'm not asking her to walk miles to meet him. She's nearly 18, not 8.

I just feel I won't be able to afford anything right now. I'm already down for the TC and CB, then having to pay the TC back. Everything seems to be going up. The SKY deal I had going has finished, meaning the price has doubled. Given STBX is the account holder I've had to ask him to contact them as I've tried online but it won't work. They phone back and obviously I'm not a guy! Cancelling seems the only option (to see if I can get a better deal after that) but I also mentioned another deal if he could get it. He replied he'd contact them but didn't say whether to cancel or try a deal. I am waiting.

Trying to find the right property. It's still uncertainties and I'm not good with that. I like firm plans I can work to. It's unnerving.

I have a different car now, courtesy of my Dad. For the sake of the divorce it's a 'loan' I will be paying back. (and if I could I would as I feel guilty enough). It's a nice car overall, smaller than my old one, but right now I'm not at all excited. I picked it up yesterday and just hope I start to like it. I'd rather have my old car but that's not economical at all. I went for reliability and running costs rather being exciting etc. DD loves it though. As do others, all except me! (I hadn't told DD I was collecting it, as I didn't want her to let it slip to STBX. I want to be in control of this).

I went to see 2 ladies I work with (evening job) after collecting it, as they live close by to the local car dealer I got it from. They loved it and we had a good chat. First time in my life I've done that. I am a loner so it's different having people I can talk to and are actually interested! We all have a good laugh at work and I've been lucky with both jobs actually, having nice people to work with.
If I still don't love the car by the time the house is sold I may have to use some equity etc.. to buy a car I do love. I have realised life is too short and if I can part-ex this one for one I DO love that would be better. But not yet, I will give it time.

When you realise you've made a mistake far too late.
I hate that car. I took DD out for a drive this afternoon and nope, I don't like it. I can't explain why. I ignored my gut instincts - to fix my old car no matter how much it cost - but nope, I went with sensible rather than my heart and gut.

It's early days though for the car Over - and at the end of the day, it IS only a car and is fairly straightforward to replace when you work out your finances (finally). It's not like a house and not worth getting fed up about in the grand scheme of things. As long as you can get from A to B.

I presume you had your old car for a long time? I am like that. I had my old car (which I changed in June 16) for eleven years and I really wanted to repair it, but it would have cost far more than the car was worth - in the end when I traded it in for my current one (not a new one I hasten to add) I only got £100 for it. In lots of ways I miss it still but I can see the advantages of my current one. Give it some time.

I know exactly what you mean about not wanting Ex to know all your business - it's funny how kids tell the ex stuff about their Mum but not the other way round. This happened to me too and I really resented it. As they get older/leave home/become more independent, this balances out a bit though.

I think the main thing with you is that you are still in limbo and this will colour your feelings about everything. I do hope something concrete happens soon with the divorce/settlement.

Oh yes it is earlier days, I agree. But sadly I'm a person who makes up their mind pretty quickly. A flaw unfortunately. I'm slow for change which makes things hard. I like to keep things for a long time so when I do have to change it really is a change as stuff never stays the same!

Yep, I had my old car for nearly 11 yrs. (would be 11 in march). So it's part of my life and it's such a lovely car. A pleasure to drive and so comfortable. Reliable as well. Saying goodbye will be hard. It was an older car when we got it, actually the same age difference as this one, so didn't have all the mod cons as such.

Plus the past yr has had so much change I feel it's another thing I have no control over. I just hope I don't make the same mistake with my next place to live. I won't call it a home as such yet as I may make the wrong decision - again. I will feel rushed (whether I am or not) as selling this place means I will NEED to make a decision, whereas STBX won't as he already rents somewhere. (a house I feel, there are clues that tell me it's a house, with OW as the unofficial renter....).

Exactly! I feel STBX knows way more than I want him to! I never ask the kids about him, I don't need or want to know. But I just feel, as DD is with me and DS stayed here Xmas week, that STBX probably has heard things I wish he hadn't. It's very one sided.

STBX went for his mediation and has asked if we should bother as he doesn't see a benefit to it. We swap Form E's and just go from there. To be honest, I can't afford mediation now I've lost the CB and TC's (they paid for DD, so I could save for the SOL/Mediation). Plus I didn't really want to be in a room for any longer than necessary with him. He will fight for taking as much equity as possible which is his right. I just hope he goes for the Absolute when it's available in March. I want something to be sorted.

Despite how you feel Over - about the equity - I do urge you to take the advice of your solicitor about this. You are feeling bruised and sore and just want it to be done with, but in years to come you might regret it if you roll over to easily and let him have his own way.

Why does he have the right to take most of the equity - he doesn't. Really the opposite is true because he has more future earning potential and better pension prospects than you do. Please don't sell yourself short. I do know what you mean about wanting something to be resolved though.

Remember, it is only 13 months since you posted your first thread - just over a years isn't such a long time over your lifetime, just hang on in there to ensure the best deal you can get - for your future.

too easily - grr

itsover hold your nerve re equity. I agree with kait. You should get more than him, not less STBXs are generally in cloud cuckoo land about their supposed rights.
It took me 4 years to settle my finances with my ex; it was like he never read the basics of marital law.
Do speak with your solicitor & get a fair & eqitable split. It will help you greatly.

The best I am hoping for is 60/40 (to me). 70/30 would be better as I could sort out a good place but it won't happen. I just don't know whether to go from 70/40 down or just go straight to 60/40 and hope he agrees. I don't want anything else, just the equity.

My idea of what kind of place I want might be a small semi with parking and a garden, but I may have to settle for a flat with allocated parking and no garden, and paying ground rent&maintenance forever. I'm not actually living now, just surviving - work to pay the bills kind of thing - so it won't be any different. I just won't have a garden to put a few flowers in pots or dry my washing. I'm not happy and not enjoying life. Sad as that sounds, it's the way it's been for so long I can't imagine any different. If I can save for a pension after this I'll be OK. Won't be a big one though!

Using the SOL is so expensive. Yes in the long run it may be the best idea to get the best deal but right now I don't have the spare cash to keep ploughing into it. I mean the money just seems to disappear (on account with the SOL)so I need to keep topping it up. I knew it would be costly but it's ridiculous. £21.50 for an email! (sending or receiving).
I won't be doing mediation, it's costly and tbh I don't think we have anything to agree on apart from the equity which could be one quick conversation if it all goes well. He doesn't see the point so that's something we agree on. I just want him out of my life.

My SOL doesn't seem to answer my questions very quickly (or at all), I'm still waiting for a reply to an email i sent over a week ago. But I daren't phone/email her as that will cost another £21.50.... It wasn't a major question but a reply would be nice!

Re: The absolute. Do I get a copy automatically or do I have to request/pay for one if STBX applies for it?

I think I got my absolute automatically - I don't remember paying any extra for it. Mind you it was 14 years ago so maybe someone has more up-to-date information.

I don't think you should go straight for 60/40 - that's assuming he will agree to it and if he doesn't, you have nowhere to go. If he refuses 60/40 than it more or less is half each. I would ask for 70/30 and then at least you can negotiate downwards a bit. You might get 65/35.

I remember a very grim time before and after my divorce, but things did improve - I bought him out and didn't get my own place but I think I should have. Once he was out of my hair I felt I could get on with my life even though there wasn't much money. I have never bothered dating again - am happy enough single. Your life won't feel like this for ever, honest.

Itsover Another factor is that a judge won’t sign off on a Consent Order if the judge does not think it is fair, so these bully boy STBXs are wasting their time trying to persuade their ex partners to take a bad deal. A Consent Order is essential to finalising a financial settlement. There has been fairly recent case law on this.
Sorry to hear your lawyer is a PITA, but hold your nerve. It will be over soon.

Itsover you could look into using a Makenzie friend instead of a solicitor. I used Sol through to decree absolute, but when the financial settlement dragged on, I switched. You do need to be the kind of person who can handle paperwork, read & understand marital law. You do all the work, but they advise you.
I probably spent £20k with lawyer getting divorce thru to first financial hearing. Switched to Makenzie friend, had four more hearings, and settled on the day of the trial. Cost £1500. MF was brill for final “courtroom steps” negotiation. PM me if you think this would work for you

kaitlinktm
Well, depends on how much it will cost to work out tbh. I can't keep going with the cost of it for much longer. And if it goes 50/50 then so be it. I want rid of him and to move on completely. He will have to offer a home to the kids for them to come back to. Something which I don't think he's bargained for. He just assumed I'd have the kids (well, adults now) living with me when not at Uni etc... I will not get myself in debt up to my eyeballs to make that happen. Selfish I know, but I have to think of the next 25 yrs with a mortgage and saving for a pension.

We still have to exchange Form E. I did mine in Nov.... still waiting. Mine will be wrong (due to the car, CB and TC) but to change it will cost money and it's not worth it.

I've been looking (less regularly than I used to) on Right Move and in the budget I'd have - solely from the equity + mortgage is enough for a 1 bed flat. Not ideal but something I have to accept if it happens. Yes my Dad has money to help which would mean I could get a 1 bed semi (house) or possibly a 2 bed (depending on the area), but that's something we need to wait and see. This house might not sell for as much as we would like (even the lower valuation, which I'm working on).

I had hoped, by some miracle, I could buy him out and stay here, but moving would be better just to have a fresh start and my own place. It's just scary. I do NOT like change.

Oh I won't be dating. There are too many reasons to list, but ultimately it's better for me and anyone else I stay single. Not that I want to be alone, I'd love to share life with someone, it's just the way it has to be. I have too many issues to consider! Safer all round.

Moanranger
Well, I wouldn't call STBX a bully as such, although my family don't think highly of him any more! (if they even did!). He's done this all wrong, but he thinks it's the right way. He just wants what he wants, and I can understand that - as do I. But I'm trying to be realistic with my expectations.
We're just not compatible - at ALL. And have very different ideas of sorting things out. As it's been apparent.
He's one of these people who has an opinion on everything. I could ask a hypothetical question and he'd start to answer it! No matter what the subject! Very annoying. I had to tell him, towards the end, to just stop, I didn't need an answer!
Doesn't help he has his OW and I'm sure she plays a part in his thinking. Specially if they're planning to live together (if they don't already, 'unofficially' of course...... I have my suspicions).
My SOL- I don't know any more. She's good and nice enough, but I leave meetings sometimes more confused than I went in! And never really having answers!

Oh I couldn't do it myself no. I'm crap with that sort of stuff. I question myself just filling in a car insurance form! But thank you.

I have decided that when the house is sorted I will be sorting another car out. I will go with my heart and screw the MPG and tax costs! If I can't have the home I want I'll have the car I want!!
Everyone loves this new one, except me! I have said to people it's so noisy compared to my other one (while driving, in the cabin, road noise). Turns out it's not just me, for the model and yr, it's a common complaint if you google! I looked around for suggestions on new tyres to try to make the drive quieter, seems a lot of owners have the same problem of noise and look for ways to cut it! Apparently the next 'edition' is quieter! Doesn't help me though!

Still waiting for something to happen re: Form E etc...

I've replied to STBX saying I don't want to do mediation any more than he does. I can't see the point. It's very costly and I don't think it would make any difference. The only thing we need to sort out is the equity situation.
Funds are running very low for the future. Until I know the score for the overpayment of Child Tax credits I can't relax. Paying for the SOL is near impossible now.

Saying that, I did indulge in booking some time away in July for me and DD. I will need a break by then and it's not lavish or anything. 1 night at Alton Towers (good price with 2 days park entrance incl and breakfast) and 1 night at a cheap Holiday Inn near another Theme Park. (also booked through Quidco to grab some cash back...)
Although we don't have the tickets with that 2nd Park so we might change our minds nearer the time and do something else. I will take some cash out each month to cover expenses during those 3 days away. We're not lavish spenders so won't need much. We don't really buy stuff at the theme parks so it will go on food/petrol. I have the tax refund from SORN'ing my old car, and will use that to start the fund. We didn't have a break last yr so it will be nice to get away and hopefully not think about the situation we're in now.

I did email STBX telling him about the mediation and the situation with DD living with him. I explained quite simply that one or both kids may have to live with him after the financial settlement. He might see it as a way to get more money but in all seriousness it's the reality. Even the biggest share of equity I could get, on it's own with a small mortgage, won't be enough to buy a big enough place IMO. He needs to realise the situation is not all roses. Even with my Dad's generous gift of money, the equity plus a mortgage, it won't be enough without quite a squeeze. But it could work. But my Dad's money has got nothing to do with this. STBX doesn't know (I assume...) and it's not a given until all bills are paid.
No reply from STBX as yet..... as usual.

Just had confirmation from SKY that it's been cancelled by STBX (as I requested, too much money after the previous deal ended). Well, the notice has been given. It cuts out in early March. I will then look into making a new account in my name. Hoping to get a good deal. We shall see. It's a luxury I realise, but the channels I watch unfortunately can't be found on other platforms (I've looked everywhere).

Still stewing over the SOL bills I will accumulate. Have been thinking of asking STBX & his SOL to communicate with me and I will then decide whether my SOL needs to see things or not. Wouldn't be so bad if SOL's didn't charge for every email/letter/text/call.

If STBX and I could work out the financial settlement on our own, then finalise it with our SOL's, that would be better - for both of us costwise. I mean, I've had rough advice from my SOL abut what I could hope for, so I'm sure STBX has also. The difference in cash from the highest split to the lowest is £20k. Sounds a lot, but add in SOL costs and it will be a lot less.

I was just checking in to see how you are doing, OP. It would be nice if this all gets resolved by summer, wouldn't it? Or perhaps even sooner? You'll get such a boost of mental and psychic energy when that happens, I imagine. It's so good to hear you are planning on taking a break in July with DD.

Just catching up on your thread, over, and sorry to see that things don't seem to have moved on very much.

Just wanted to say that I think you may be right about mediation; I had 3 meetings (one on my own, and 2 with stbxh) and didn't get very far. I think it's fine for people who are on the same page but just need a bit of help to sort out financial stuff, but not for those of us with awkward and obstructive partners!

Re. your solicitor... mine is also very expensive (worse than yours) but does reply quickly - usually same or next day, and is now starting to put pressure on stbxh to move things along. Sounds like your solicitor is not really being very dynamic here...?

My SOL hasn't really replied to my last 2 emails. Trouble is, if I email her again that will be another cost.....

Had a chat midweek with DS (and his BF in the background!). They are doing another yr of Uni for their Masters. He said he might but it's official now.
They will also be moving into a rented place of their own for the next Uni yr. Kinda linked to the Uni but separate (if that makes sense). They both need a guarantor and DS asked me, I said that given his dad has a higher income maybe that would be better. Well, his dad said no. Something to do with 'having no credit cards and doesn't want a surprise'. (STBX probably has closed all the cards, as you can still make payments just not use them as credit) so I understand that part but saying no based on that???? Pathetic.

I've said yes and DS and his BF are sorting out costs etc.. to show me, it's the same rent really as the place DS stays in now which his finance covers so it should be OK. I know that if I really needed to pay that my dad and Sis would have my back. Won't even bother asking STBX. I've told DS to make sure they have at least 1 months rent saved elsewhere for an emergency fund, to make sure all bills are paid first (well, bills are included for a nominal fee each week) each month and to find part time jobs to supplement things. Even a few hours a weekend would help.
They have to start somewhere and I'm guarantor now for DS in his accommodation so it's no different.

Since my last email to STBX he hasn't replied. I'm just hoping he hasn't said no to DS based on the fact I told him I would make sure DS had a place to stay so the student finance woulnd't be affected.

My SOL has said they'll be negotiating on my behalf with STBX's SOL, hopefully they'll ask me at some point what I'll be willing to accept, maybe after STBX has put forward an offer. I want to see what he's thinking.....

I know what you mean by not wanting to email again and incur more costs, but not replying to your last 2 emails is very poor.

I maybe think I didn't make my questions clear enough. Although after reading them back they do sound and look like questions.... I'm just sitting here at home on a regular basis panicking about the cost of all this, not only because I can't really afford it now and the fact that the cash could have been put to other good uses. STBX doesn't seem to care that we're both spending money that doens't need to be spent if we just communicated.

Is your solicitor still not responding to your emails? At the least they should write back a courtesy response quickly, acknowledging your email and thereby confirming your emails aren't going into a spam filter or some other mishap. This all seems to be dragging on an unusually long time by this point. STBX's behavior sounds very punishing... was he always like this? I know this is all horribly stressful but do try to take care of your health... for example, a hot bath with epsom salts (magnesium) does good things for you and costs hardly anything. Taking a little time out from stress is really important for your long-term well-being.

After I email my SOL I don't get a reply for a week or so no, not even a 'your email has been read' kind of thing, depending on what it's about I guess. She did reply same day a couple of times, one was a reply about the car my dad was buying for example, it didn't need a letter just a quick email reply.

I got an email yesterday from my SOL as STBX's SOL had phoned them to say that we weren't doing mediation and they were ready to exchange Form E's. I guess STBX wasn't going to reply to my email and went straight to his SOL.

I confirmed to my SOL that we'd decided against mediation and what I wanted as far as an offer was concerned, well the starting point anyway. I want to see what STBX offers first then go from there. I have no clue what he's thinking is 'fair' at this point.

I also got a text from STBX just before I went to work last night to say that his SOL contacted him to confirm we were ready to exchange Form E. I replied nicely, very restrained actually, I just responded that my SOL had also informed me of that and didn't include that my Form E had been done since Nov and where the f*ck was yours!

STBX isn't a bad person, he can be very nice - when he's loyal to you, but obviously now he's not to me so it's just a business thing. No emotion there. He's moved on and he's taking his time. I get the feeling he doesn't do anything without checking with his SOL - or his OW and friends.
I am paranoid he's going to use anything I say against me, like the mediation thing for example. After the initial meetings we both had, he suggested we don't do it and I agreed. Just hope he doesn't twist that.

I have realised that I don't 'relax', I don't switch off. I need to be doing something, even when sitting down watching TV my mind isn't 'off'. I've been filling in the monthly mental health form (until I get the face to face appointment stuff) and they ask about the relaxing side. I always put that as low but the other day I realised I don't 'switch off'. I'm always thinking of something.

I don't like change, and all this is making me uneasy. I want to know what's happening. Have to admit I am not looking forward to buying another house and moving. We have so much stuff here.

I made it clear to STBX in my last email that I expect him to come around at some point to help sort through things in the house and also to fix/tweak anything that needs doing. I will not do all that on my own. I won't accept him just saying he doesn't want anything in the house. I want him here as we go through stuff saying yes or no, that way he can't turn around in 6 months and say 'where's this?' or 'where's that?'.

It's very understandable, you start wondering what your solicitor's strategy is exactly, so you ask questions. They don't answer because (this is my impression) they don't really want to spell anything out.

Let's put it this way, if the solicitor was upfront on day one and had said, "you'll be looking at months and months, maybe years, of no activity while we wait to see which party blinks first, and we are hoping it is the other party who does blink first, meanwhile we will keep billing you while you sit in the dark, wondering what is going on, but don't worry, you're in good hands with me", would you still have hired this person?

Think a game of poker. Solicitors see no advantage to revealing their hand, not even to their own client.

It's also possible the solicitor understands your funds are limited and they don't want to have to bill you for answering your questions. Maybe you have to ask for face time and tell them you need to know what the strategy is if you are going to carry on. Because there's some truth to that, isn't there?

I know the toll this situation takes on your health. When you are dealing with a threat you don't know whether to fight, flee, freeze, or submit and your mind goes around in circles.

Your adrenal system is in overdrive. Your mind is switched on all the time because you are running on adrenaline. The other day I was remembering an old skit from "Kids in the Hall" where they open the guy's chest and pour a pot of coffee directly onto his heart. That's how running on adrenaline feels!

You solve problems of all sorts, all the time, and you're good at it, too, but you aren't meant to be be solving problems 24/7!

I'm just getting so frustrated. Everything seems to be so complicated and costly.
I logged into my tax account yesterday and I haven't paid enough tax for this tax yr so it needs to be tacked onto next yrs tax calculations. Just what I needed.
So I owe Tax credits a huge amount, I owe tax and I will owe my SOL. Why bother?? It seems pointless working to pay bills when it's just all disappearing and I have no control. Wish I'd never claimed tax credits tbh. It's been nothing but a pain from the beginning.

To top it all off, STBX has text me to say he's ready to exchange Form E but my SOL is not replying to his SOL anymore and apparently my Form E isn't done. I know she was updating my Tax credits and Child Benefit now that DD has left college, plus the new car info, but surely it can't take that long?!?! It's making me look stupid as I was badgering STBX about his Form and now mine isn't ready. I won't be contacting her as that will cost money.

I did mention in my last email to my SOL that I could barely afford a SOL (let alone mediation...) but whether she's trying to save me pennies or not, I had hoped that I'd get acknowledgement of my emails and questions.

I just feel like I'm trudging through quick sand. Just when I feel it's going well something happens that sets it all back again.

I can't plan - and I like planning - for the future right now. I look at all the plants and flowers in the garden centre and usually I'd buy one or two (cheapish ones) to brighten up the garden but I can't. I can't waste money on things I may not be here to enjoy. Having time off work is nice but it also makes me think more.....