Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

This month is feeling very overwhelming. I have so many things going through my head and the last thing I want is Christmas right now.

I need to pay for the SOL (for however long this takes), pay for a car and also do something about a place to live (current or move). I keep doing the sums, fiddling the figures around and they won't work.
People keep saying it will get better, and I don't just mean on here. Everyone. But when?? And how? I can't work that out.

So apparently STBX hasn't paid for his mediation appointment (upfront payment is needed) so he's being contacted again to make another one. Why is he being such a d*ck? He wanted all this. He has his new life and is keeping me bloody waiting. He was the one saying he found the mediator unprofessional as it took time to arrange an appointment and he is now doing the same thing by not keeping it. Little ironic that.
He had applied for the decree nisi but it was sent back because of an error so he's had to apply again. It's like a catalogue of errors with this bloody thing....
I still say he's stalling, but others say he's not that intelligent. He knows, as he's probably been told by his SOL, he has a responsibility until DD is 18, then I reckon he thinks it's all done. Well nope. After all this college stuff with DD I am all but done. I have no other choice (in my head) but for her to live with him. He will get a shock. If I can't keep this house there is no other option.

I will be having a phone appt with my current mortgage people tomorrow to see if they'll lend enough to apply for a new mortgage for here, but I doubt it. On paper it's a no-go (even though I know I can as the payments would be the same as the CC I have now - which will be paid off).

Was wondering how you are doing, OP? How did your Christmas go? It would be nice to hear you got a chance to recharge, find a bit of holiday cheer if possible. Your road to divorce has had one speed bump after another but maybe things will pick up in the New Year. I hope so. Wishing you all the best!

Thanks for the wishes. I hope your Xmas was nice.

My Christmas was my own. In the sense I stayed at home. DD went to my Sis and BIL's house with my Dad. My xmas cheer has buggered off. I usually feel somewhat Xmassy but this yr it's just got on my nerves.

I really am just in a downward spiral with no end in sight. To top it off I've had a stinker of a cold and the cough is still lingering.
Thinking back to last yr I may have 2 jobs now but I'm no further forward with where I'm going to live. My marriage is over, my dog had to leave (for his own good but it still hurts), my DD is playing up, I have to move when I don't want to to a place I probably won't like but it'll be the right price and I have to buy a new (old) car with money I don't have.
Add to that STBX is ignoring me as usual. I sent an email last week about the mediation appt and the Form E stuff asking what the f*ck is going on in a nicer way than that but still to the point - why would he bother to reply?
And even though he's not here he still manages to make me feel an inch tall and pathetic. He started this yet doesn't want to seem to finish it. Well he does, just in his own time.
If he took the £40K I could keep this place and the kids wouldn't need to move. He gets money and no responsibility (and believe me this place needs work). The kids are my beneficiaries so they'd get any money from housing/my estate.
I know it's less than a normal split but he has to take into account that if both kids go to Uni this affects them as well, or at least one of them. We just need to talk. Which he doesn't seem to want to do.

I have to collect DS and his BF on Thurs. They have to get a train to a station about 45 mins away as rail works are on. Then they go to my ex in laws on Friday with STBX and his OW. Oh joy. I really can't see how this will work with that woman in the picture. (it's not jealousy about him either. that's not even an issue). I am not a sharer. And sharing my kids and (maybe) gran-kids will not sit with me. I'll be the loser but that's my choice. It's all me I know, as others make it work but it will mess with my head and that's a bad thing for all around me.
That's where things are conflicted. keep my home vs having that woman in my life indirectly. It won't work.

We had colds, too, takes the sparkle off the holidays, I admit. I hope you are feeling better now.

My first thought is don't let STBX wear you down. I heard this said: "the person who cares the least is the winner". It's awful but I'm afraid there is some truth to it. So what do you do? Pretend you don't care when in fact you do? You may have to do just that.

I don't know whether he cares or not but he is good at acting like he doesn't. Meanwhile you do care and don't like finding your caring used against you, which is perfectly understandable. You have the moral high ground but that's not a roof over your head. I'm afraid this is war and I see only one way for you to advance and that is to figure out what you can afford to care about and what you cannot.

You can't possibly go on caring about everything at an emotional level that costs you too much and leaves you feeling worn down. I suspect STBX has always been good at detaching and distancing himself emotionally when it suits him (good luck to OW with that in the long run).

For starters I suggest you narrow down your "care list" to five things and put the rest on the back burner for now. I'd also really give up the emails as they signal "I care" and then he signals back "I don't care" and then you get hurt and mad. And as for things that haven't even occurred yet, like what happens with the grandkids-to-be, let it go for now. Cross that bridge when you get to it.

You're a good, caring person and you deserve to be appreciated and respected. So save your caring for where it does you the most good at the present moment. A better day starts now.

Trouble is I care what others think. With STBX it's more to do with 'what the heck are you playing at' kind of thing now. I want to move forward yet we can't because he's playing silly buggers. It's an anger issue as well.

Yes STBX has always had a detached feeling about him. Even he said he tries so many times then runs. OW isn't like me though so I suspect he doesn't need to 'detach'.
STBX, when meeting up with DD, has been asking how I am. I am livid at that. Supposedly he 'cares'. What a load of boo-hockey. If he cared he'd try to sort this out.

I keep wondering about a deal. If he took £40k now and then maybe £1000k a yr for 10 yrs? I could manage it, I'd do all the O/T I could muster (and there will be some going for sure - at both jobs). Trouble is, without actually talking things through I can't make any deals as I'd need to explain why I am making it.

This past couple of weeks has been tough I admit. I have really felt like crap. Physically and emotionally. I am one that takes everything to heart and stews on it. Hasn't always been this way though.
I really want to save money but feel why bother? It will get used against me and I won't be better off for it. That sort of thing, 1 step forward - 2 steps back - kind of thing....

How much of STBX foot dragging is from him and how much of it is strategy advised by his legal representation? And what exactly are they angling for from you, do you think? Your solicitor probably has a pretty good idea of what that is.

You and STBX are not in the circle of trust together anymore. The legal system has procedures for dealing with this situation that seemingly go on and on and on. If you are a caring and sensible person it feels more and more absurd the longer the process stretches out.

You just want to get on with your life and Team STBX knows this. You are right, they are "playing a game", one designed to wear you down. It doesn't seem rational because it isn't. The legal system really isn't about fairness, it's about winning.

On their side it has all the emotional involvement of winning a video game. That's what you're up against. You're looking for resolution so you can move on and they're in no particular hurry at this point. It's reality to you and abstract to them. Of course you're angry.

Legal representation on both sides is never in any particular hurry. After all, this is their bread and butter. Your solicitor knows sooner or later you will likely get something out of all this so what's the problem (their unspoken attitude)?

Hanging in there is really hard at this point but it probably will work out if you do. If you haven't already, ask your solicitor what best outcomes are likely to be. You need to have a feeling of some control here.

I have no clue what STBX is doing. Everyone I talk to says I should get angry and start making it difficult. Trouble is, it will only make things difficult for ME. He wants to sell the house so that would give him what he wants sooner rather than later. Me giving him any kind of grief would play into his hands.

I suspect it's a mixture of him and his SOL dragging. He never was very good at doing anything quickly unless it was urgent (and I mean needed doing NOW kind of thing). He's probably been told he has to pay maintenance until DD is 18 so is just dragging that out as he sees no rush on that side. The divorce can still go through without the financial stuff in place can't it.
I just want this all done. I've been looking at places online and making mental plans. I have to move and if that has to happen I want a little place of my own that I can put my mark on. When we sell it won't affect STBX though as he's already renting a place (with his OW I suspect, not on paper though....) but I will need to move, I won't rush it though. I have to find the right place.

I have made a decision though. DD will live with her dad. I know I've said it before but it's one that is set in stone now IMO. She has been messing me around for months now and last night/today is the last straw.

She went off last night, before I went to work, saying she was seeing a film with friends. I specifically asked her if she was coming back 'tonight' (last night), she said yes and I told her to text her brother to let him know what was going on as I'd be at work. I get home and she's not there. I wasn't surprised tbh. She's done it before. Trouble is, this time she's just ignored me and DS. DS and his BF left this morning to go back up North without her even saying goodbye to them, she missed a hair appt this morning she had asked me about only last week. (luckily the lady comes to our house and still cut my hair, so it wasn't all lost). But that is so rude.

Both me and DS have text her to ask where she is/when coming home etc.. with no reply at all. Getting to 9pm and nothing. DS spoke to his dad (STBX) to fill him in and ask him to contact her. STBX apparently didn't realise how serious things were as she's been lying saying everything is fine, doesn't matter he ignored me when I tried to get him to communicate with me.

STBX tried ringing with no reply then text her. She finally replied to him and he rang her. She has finally text me to say she'll be back tomorrow morning. Glad STBX is so worthy of a reply from her. Quite frankly I don't bloody care! I am done. I don't need any more shit in my life. Sounds cold but it's the stage I'm at. Why should I keep putting up with this? On my own?? STBX has his OW to deal with it. I apparently need to do what's right for me and this is it.

STBX hasn't even bothered to text me to maybe discuss this either.

I think there does come a time Over when you have to think about yourself and for you it seems to be now. Your DD will have finished her course in the summer - whether she completes the exams/work or not - and will have to look at either further education or a job, so it's a new start for her and an opportunity to look for a house share or live with her father.

BTW, does he know this is what you intend, or are you saving this until he pulls his finger out? If he feels no need (and there is no legal requirement) to pay any maintenance, then equally there is no "requirement" for you to have DD living with you; especially as she does as she pleases and doesn't care what you think and as you can't afford a big enough property. He will have to come out of his little Walter Mitty world won't he?

So far I have no clue what DD will be doing. Even DS and his BF think it's stupid if she doesn't finish with A levels.They said she should at least get the A levels and then decide what to do, whether a job, a year out or Uni.

Further education (or an apprenticeship) is a legal requirement now for 16-18 year olds so if she comes out of this without any qualifications it will look strange and she'll need to answer questions about it when looking for jobs etc...
She text me last night (after she spoke to her dad) and told me she'd be back this morning.... well, it's nearly 1 and no sign. I feel like a mug.

To be fair to STBX he is paying the mortgage. But that cancels out the maintenance really. He's no worse off doing it this way.

I don't think he knows about my plans no. I have told DD and DS this is the way it might have to go so whether they've mentioned it I don't know. Doesn't matter to me either way, it's the reality of the situation, I won't change my mind and cash flow dictates it really. I've tried to make sums work so DD could permanently stay with me but that isn't fair to DS.
I really hope STBX doesn't know my dad moved and has spare cash otherwise that could prove a problem.
But yes STBX will have to face up to the fact the kids will be with him.
He thinks it'll be a new start without responsibilities and with his OW, well I wonder what she'll think about it. He's always thought it'll be easy - we sell the house and I get the bigger share of equity plus a mortgage. Well I doubt he has actually worked out what that will all cost and what you can buy!

I'm just going to go with 60/40 to me and he'll get a nice payment to pay his debts and then a deposit. He gets regular O/T (every month so it should count, as I was told it had to be every month to count....) plus any wage rises, so that should mean he can get a nice place. If he's buying with his OW then that'll be a very nice place..... and I've checked. The properties are there to be had in his price range in his area. If I had what he will have I could definitely get a 3 bed place here without a problem. But I don't.
Reality will definitely bite him on the bum! I've been told that I would begiving up, giving him what he wants - well to me it's more about what I want and what will be good for me long term. The kids will move on with their lives, STBX will as well, so why can't I?!?!

I really hope STBX doesn't know my dad moved and has spare cash otherwise that could prove a problem.

He'd be a CF if he felt that your father's money should benefit him (by allowing him to have a bigger share of your JOINT assets). Your father's financial affairs are nothing to do with all this. Even if he presumes your father has spare cash, how does he know this won't be needed for future care?

My parents wanted to help me with a bit of money when I got divorced, but my solicitor advised them to do nothing until everything was done and dusted in case it "muddied the waters" (his words). So even if your Dad was able and willing to help, this shouldn't happen until after the finances have been agreed upon. As you say, your ex has much more future earning potential and pension pot than you will have.

Couldn't you ask for more than 40%? Or is this what you mean by people telling you that you're giving up?

Oh yes my SOL has made it very clear not to do anything with my Dad's money until the finances with STBX have been sorted. BUT to benefit from a decent mortgage I will need to pay my credit card off before applying but I can use that as a 'loan' from my dad for the sake of liability where STBX is concerned.

Oh I meant I ask for 60 % (40% for STBX). I might just ask my SOL to start at 70/30 and go from there. STBX has made it clear he wants his fair share though so wouldn't agree to a low settlement for him. Which I can understand as I also want the best one. I estimate a 60/40 split.

Yeah, people think I''d be daft just to go straight for the 60% without pushing for a higher % but really it depends on my mood at the time. If I'm stressed and STBX won't do mediation I'm not sure I can be strong enough to keep stringing it out. Plus the costs involved.

I'd go for 70/30 then negotiate down to the 60/40 then he will feel he's won something 😀

True. It can't hurt.

He's just surprised me by turning up to take DD out for coffee. He text a couple of hours ago to ask if she was back and has just turned up. Trying to make small talk is not my forte and if he thinks complimenting me on my hair 'breaks the ice' he's got another thing coming. (I've had it cut quite short since he left, as I used to have it before we got married and completely stopped dying it - totally grey here so embrace it).

Doh - sorry about mistype, I know you meant 60/40 in your favour! I agree with Notapizza that you should start asking for 70% though - as you say, it couldn't hurt.

Funny you should say that about your hair - have just decided to ditch the dye with mine too. It was costing a fortune and I couldn't keep up with it. Wish I had done it years ago.

I think in some ways, after the initial shock of separating, this is the hardest time because you feel you are in a kind of limbo waiting for things to happen. It is worse in your case because a lot of the delay is down to him procrastinating. Not much to be done though except wait.

Have just realised that it is just over a year since you started your first thread - you have moved on since then even if he hasn't.

Oh OK!

Yep, I dyed it for nearly 30 yrs (1st grey hair at 15! damn genes...). But tbh, it stopped 'taking' so was pretty much useless towards the end. Plus i thought longer hair made me more 'girlie' as I am full blown tom-boy. And the money and time of dying, not worth it. So yep, short grey look for me! I've always been mistaken for a boy on & off for yrs (as I am a jeans/trackpants, t-shirt & trainers type) so I expect it more now! Oh well.

Limbo yes. It's hard to describe to others who haven't been through it I think. It's just words. I can wait, I just can't afford SOL fees to wait!

Yep, it's over a yr since he sent 'the email' and nearly a yr since he actually left (end Jan). Time has flown. Oh he has moved on alright, in everything but financial when it comes to the house.

STBX and DD came back a little while ago, but she went straight to her room so I have no clue what happened.

I quit adding color to my hair, too. I was hoping for pure white hair but got salt and pepper. It's sooo much easier to not have to mess about with it, regardless. Feels feisty in a good way, like saying here I am, I'm good with it. You sound stronger to me, more sure of yourself. Your confidence has grown a lot despite all the turmoil. You're stronger now.

Not dying it is so much better. Wish I'd stopped years ago tbh. Cheaper and not worrying if the little bit at the back took or not! (small portion of hair at the back, underneath, stopped taking the dye years ago but I was only told this a while ago! Made me very self conscious!)

Apparently STBX had his (information) mediation appt today. The lady just text me to say he'd done it and will be contacting me to discuss it. Would have been nice to tell me he'd booked it for sure but glad he's actually done it. Now I wait, again, to see what he says. I am not hopeful but would like to be pleasantly surprised.

Got word from my SOL that the Nisi date has been set for beginning of Feb so by mid March STBX can apply for the Absolute. Really hope he does, as I want to change my name back and I'm getting impatient.

After 2 days of DD rarely leaving her room at the start of the week I got tough. Now whether anything I said made any difference - again - I don't know. She says she's going to college (yesterday & today) but as yet I don't believe her as she's lied before....

She has made it clear she doesn't want to live where STBX does. But I told her, I may not be able to afford her (or DS) to live with me and even if I could afford it, her not going to college etc... isn't giving me confidence to push for it. She has to make the effort as well. She is also worrying about Uni and student finance. If they live with her dad they will get the minimum. Or I will have to choose if only one lives with me, which isn't fair (to me or them).

I've told her that getting her a-levels will look good on her CV whatever she does. And she doesn't have to decide that straight-away. She can take a gap year (but get a job) and take time to think. There are other options, but I'm not informed about education so she should ask at college or the other place she could go to next yr if desired.

The BF seems to be out of the picture now.... no idea what happened.

DD might be surprised to hear you would like to be appreciated! They take a lot for granted at her age.
You've given her a good platform and now it's up to her what she does with that. (She's stronger than she knows.)

Because my hair is mostly dark it's tempting to cover the silver but I earned every one of these silver hairs and I'm proud of them! Besides, I'd have to mess with the roots all the time and I can't be bothered. Life is too short for all that fuss. Keeping things simple is a good approach and saves time and money, too. Simple is a good style, timeless!

I have now hit a wall. DD still hasn't been going to college - STILL lying to my bloody face. She doesn't want to go any more. Fine I say , but you have to do something. Getting her to do something won't happen. She shows no interest. I paid for a bus pass which runs until August. How I wish I hadn't. That's money wasted.

I have gone online to stop the tax credits and child benefit. I backdated it to Dec. That's still pushing it tbh as she hasn't been going off/on for a while. I know I will get asked for money back from tax credits. Just depends how much now. That will hurt as I don't have a lot to give back and any I do have is saved for SOL fees etc...

I am kinda screwed as I was counting on the TC/CB to keep going towards her food/clothing etc.. at least until it stopped when she was 18 (6 months away). Now I will be money down AND have to pay for her.

I know what DD doesn't want to do - live with her dad - but I can't keep going like this. It's affecting me just as much as her. Why should I put up with it? We've all tried to help her but she won't listen to any one and keeps lying. I have no idea what to do any more but it's affecting me badly and it's like STBX all over again. I don't need that in my life. I have moments when I think I should keep going because she's my child but if it makes me feel like sh*t why should I??

I don't think she realises what kind of life she's going to have without any education behind her. It won't be easy unless she at least has enthusiasm. She doesn't know what she wants to do right now fine, but she won't go anywhere if she doesn't buck her ideas up. My life is sh*t because I didn't go for further education, opportunities presenting themselves, this wasn't where I thought I'd be. I'm not passionate about anything. I had interests but ignored them because I thought I couldn't do them.

I kinda have to just go for a deal with STBX now. I can't afford to do anything else. 60/40 will have to work as I can't pay for mediation, and keep using the SOL and the more I use her the more I pay £21.50 per communication (plus a lot more cost for any work that needs doing). It adds up so fast. It's not fund-able by me any more.
I will be emailing STBX tomorrow night regardless of whether I've heard from him or not to outline things and try to sort it out. It's playing into his hands but so be it. It's hurting my head doing all this.

If she won't study and she won't work, who does she think is going to pay for her keep? It's all very well her saying what she doesn't want to do, but it isn't all about her now. She has shown you no reason to trust her. It's time her father started being a parent and had a word with her.

The thing is with emailing Ex is that you have done this before and it hasn't made him hurry his ideas up. In fact , the fact that you are now getting desperate may encourage him to delay even further. I think the only thing likely to spur him in some way is if you start sounding like you are going to insist that DD lives with him - you could say that you can't seem to make her understand the seriousness of her actions and you have tried for a year with no luck. DD has to understand that her decisions and actions have consequences - I presume you have told her about the CB etc and have pointed out the wasted bus pass money.

I'm sorry that your DD is adding to your stress.

But I think you need to do some tough loving with her. I would do a budget for the living costs of your house and divide it by 3 and show her. Tell her that as she is no longer at college/university I would tell her she as 1 month to find a job to pay her third or she will have to live else where to live whether that with her dad or not.

This is where my problem lies, I am not that strict. I have tried. I'm just useless at it. On my own I can say whatever I want but in reality I chicken out. I just go quiet and agree or ignore as best I can.

I've tried being nice to her, being straight with her and it's not had much impact. All she has had to do is go to college. Why was that so difficult?? She was doing well. I have told her about the CB and TC stopping but not sure it made much impact. She knows the bus pass cost money and said she'd looked at jobs in the town her college is in so she can still use the pass until it runs out, but she'd had no luck.
If she wants to concentrate on one subject at the other college in that town she needs to actually go in there and talk to them. Being under 19 means she can still get funding. Whether she will I don't know. I don't think I can be bothered to take her as I've tried that (college, uni visits etc...) and all it does is cost me more money.

After our short convo last night I ranted while washing up, and I mean ranted (she was upstairs). I was so wound up. We had dinner then about 20 mins after we finished she yet again went out. I had this feeling she wouldn't come back and she didn't. She got home 15 mins ago and has had a shower. We don't speak.

I can't throw her out as I'm not the one paying the mortgage right now, STBX is still doing that.

My family have talked to her, her tutor at college has tried to help quite a lot and it's getting embarrassing now for us.
STBX did talk to her last week, as I wrote here at the time, but that obviously made no difference and he hasn't contacted me to actually ask if it made any difference. I had hoped he'd speak to me when he dropped her off but he didn't. Apparently my DS told my Sis that STBX will only deal with the kids direct. He doens't want to go through me. While I agree most things can be done directly this isn't something normal like arranging a coffee date or going to the ex-in-laws. This is serious.

I am sick of me being the one doing all the chasing/talking/negotiating with everyone. That's why I'm sick of it. I just want an end so I can concentrate on MY life.

I understand what you mean about emailing him have no effect. It won't but it will make me feel better. Get everything off my chest. Whether I send the email is another matter though......

I feel like my head hurts all the time. I am no saint, I have added to this in my own way, but it's getting silly now.

Oh, OP, I agree with Kaitlin, maybe DD does need to be at her Dad's place. He certainly needs to be more involved.

What would she do if she came home to your house and the cupboard was bare? Are you worried she will take off and you won't know where she is? Yet if you shelter her (literally) the danger is you will resent her. That's not good for her or you.

You may have to be a little more "selfish" than you are inclined by nature to be. She will always be your baby girl and you will always love her but right now she needs her Dad to step up and be there for her, don't you agree? If you write him anything, remind him that he is still her Dad and he needs to act like one. He bailed on his family right at the point when the hardest work of parenting begins, when the kids transition to adulthood.

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, of course! Just affirming my sense of things, that if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anybody else.

How's it going Over - hope you aren't feeling too low.