Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

I know we are probably different personalities, but in your shoes I would move area (as long as it's not too far) for a slightly better house with parking and a yard. It doesn't sound as if you know your neighbours that well (same here) and I don't think I would like living in a flat after living in a house. (And I would have to have a drive as I can't parallel park ). But in the end it comes to what YOU are comfortable with.

Can't your sol gee STBX up a bit - god what an utterly selfish dick he sounds?

I was wondering how things were progressing...what a shame if you have to move. Would it be totally out of the question to rent out a room in your present house so you could afford to stay? Or would that just be more headaches for you?

I wouldn't be crazy about renting a room but it could be easier to make compromises for a house you love than one you don't. In theory, if you found a compatible tenant, it might work out well. Depends on how your place is set up, whether you have two bathrooms, for example, whether you could stand sharing a kitchen, and so forth.

I don't know about you but "not knowing" is what makes me depressed. Your STBX seems to relish being the Decider while everyone else cools their heels. It must be a power thing. He seems to be taking advantage of your caring. I think the dynamic here is really unpleasant for you and unfair, as well. No wonder you feel down. What would happen if you said "I've reached my limit, I can't do this anymore" and walked? What's the worst case scenario?

What would happen if you did rent out a room and were less stressed by expenses? The point is, change you instigate changes the power balance created by STBX being the Decider. You become a Decider, too, and I think that's important for your well-being. Just a thought...

I think Mrs P is right about the power balance. I would find the waiting and uncertainty far harder than putting up with the final result. I suppose you are stuck really until your DD goes to college - I presume that's going to be September.

kaitlinktm - That would make sense, but unfortunately I am a creature of habit. Change isn't my thing. And that is what I have to weigh up. Obviously I may not have a choice, which is what I am worried about. The area I could afford a little better is too far (petrol wise) for my liking, to my present work situations (not including the rush hour traffic problem).
I am coming round to the idea of moving home, which at the start I didn't think I could handle. But the idea of being somewhere STBX hasn't been appeals to me. Although an actual move, packing etc., is something I don't even want to think about!

MrsPawsitive - I've already ruled out the renting a room idea. I couldn't handle it (my personality isn't compatible, I did that years ago when living with my sister and I wasn't comfortable with it). Sharing a kitchen, I don't think I have OCD, but that would test me! We only have 1 bathroom, and open plan downstairs so not ideal.

STBX is doing what he's always done so it shouldn't surprise me. He says one thing then either does another or just doesn't do it. His Form E was supposed to be done at the end of Aug, but yet here we are, middle of Nov and still waiting. I will get mine ready and hopefully by then his SOL (or him) will actually reply to my SOL.

After the meeting last week, my SOL referred me to their mediation people. I had a phone call the other day where the mediator explained the rough processes and costs (but would delve deeper in the 1st meeting). I'll sort out my Form E, one thing going round in my head at a time!, then ring to make an appointment. Apparently I have the initial meeting on my own, then they contact STBX to ask if he wants to do it and move forward that way. I am hoping STBX agrees and sees the sense in doing it. We could actually move forward.

My SOL (and the meditator) asked if the Decree Nisi (?) had been requested/sorted. I admit i have no clue so I assume it hasn't been.

He took DD out yesterday for their meet up (I only found out Friday evening at work, DD text me to 'remind' me, although she hadn't actually told me in the 1st place!). I would say 'regular meet up' but is once a month regular?! (well he skipped October completely, as he saw her for the Uni trip at the end of Sept, so apparently that counts). They left at 9.55 and she was back at about 11.30. I know they keep in tough via social media but 1 1/2 hrs in person once every 4/5 weeks (7 this time) seems pathetic to me. I had hoped he try to take her out for dinner more (at least during their meet up) now I have taken on more bills but I guess his OW takes up more cash than I anticipated.

I am determined he won't ruin Christmas again. Last yr was bad enough. It's been about a yr since his 'ending it' email (I deleted it so have no clue of the actual date!) which seems like yesterday tbh. The year has gone so quick.

DS won't be back for Xmas this yr, he's staying with his BF, which is fine by me, he's an adult, so he'll be back later that week. STBX has organised when DS and DD will go with him to see his parents, the Friday. So he won't even see DD for Xmas at all. He gets his time with his OW. I find that selfish. It's his time this year (we alternated as much as possible in the past) but I guess the rules don't apply now. Next year I will sort myself out and he will have the kids. Sounds selfish but I also have a life to live. So even during Xmas it looks like he won't even take them out for a meal. I will wait to see if it happens.....

You are dealing with a non-communicator, someone who refuses dialogue of any meaningful sort. How do you fight that? And if you want to vote with your feet, he's sitting like a bump on a log that you're tied to until this divorce is completed! I'm sure that's frustrating.

Not to get all hippy/astrological but the Scorpios I know do this, the scuttling away out of range. You can't get them to communicate.
Actually, I've known a fair number of non-communicators, born at all times of the year :-) They are exhausting people.

I was just watching one of Brené Brown's Ted Talks and I thought you'd like her, that you might relate to some of what she says. She made me think about how I deal with difficult people when I feel hurt by them... My brain says "fight or flight" and I don't want to have to do either! I value connectedness but some people prefer control... they use up all your energy and I find them very draining. They want everything on their terms, like the kid who has to take all the toys. Ugh.

Fortunately, you sound like you are embracing being your own person. That's so fantastic. I think you're going to be much happier in the long run, I really do. I hope you get some sort of resolution sooner rather than later!

Hi, OP. Just checking in on you. How is the work situation? How are you? Have you started mediation? Just saying hello.

I rent my third bedroom to foreign students - they attend college here in my town to learn English

I find it’s good as it’s ljyst like having another teenager in the house, which of course I’m used to

They don’t cook etc so it’s still my kitchen

With Dd1 now moved out it’s jyst sharing a bathroom with someone who doesn’t sit in their firever🤣

Do you have a uni or college near you that has students from abroad and needs accodation?

Hi over - how's it going? I hope that all is well with you.

Rosetime & Cambionome - Thanks, doing OK - I think. Good - and bad days particularly when my mind goes into overdrive. Work itself is going OK, I just wish I had a crystal ball knowing whether I need to look around for another 2nd job yet!

My first mediation appt is on Tuesday - on my own (well my Sis coming just for that one), then the lady will contact STBX and ask if he wants to go down that route. Can't say I'm not anxious about the whole thing but it needs to be done I guess. No idea if STBX will say yes or no. The cost might put him off - and the fact he'll need to be in a room with me a few times - but his SOL might suggest he does it. IDK at this point.

ivykaty44 - We don't live in a uni town, they'd need to travel to the towns either side of us, which wouldn't be ideal I guess, specially as the bus passes round here aren't cheap. Plus, being honest, I have trouble sharing a house with guests I DO know let alone strangers. I wouldn't be comfortable at all. I have had a lodger before, many years ago before marriage, when my Sis and I had a place together so I do know what it's like and I'm not as calm or mellow as I used to be then.

Good luck with your mediation. I had my first appointment (alone) 10 days ago, and next week I've got the first one with stbx. Not really looking forward to that as I don't really know what I should be asking for/entitled to. I'd better have a good chat with my solicitor first (always slightly reluctant to contact him because of costs!)

If I have any helpful advice/flashes of brilliance (unlikely) after the mediation I'll let you know!

I just wanted you to know of other options, but it’s really not for you as an option - so that’s fine.

I will say this though

Concentrate on your own relationship with your dc

Don’t concern yourself with your ex relationship with your dc, if he wants to spen 5 minutes a day in contact or 59 minutes it’s nit your concern - please don’t stew or think about it

Unless the dc come to you for advice or help

You have a life to be living

Cambionome - Oh I know what you mean. I have no clue what I can ask for and will likely get. STBX may want to just get this over with or will dig his heals in. We shall see! I know what you mean about contacting SOL's and the costs. I am trying to keep it to a minimum.

ivykaty44 - oh yes, thanks. Any comments are welcome, they may or may not help, but worth reading. This is all new to me.
I know. I am trying to just keep to my own relationships with my DS's. But it's difficult knowing STBX could spend more time with DD (specifically as she's still at home) and he doesn't. I thought he was better than that. As she's having trouble at college I do wonder if it's connected to our split.
I do know I am trying to just keep things normal. Xmas we will do as we want. As STBX can't be arsed to see her, that's his loss.
The decs are going up next weekend, which wouldn't normally happen as STBX wanted his (early) Dec birthday out of the way first.
It's just frustrating all round where STBX is concerned.

Feeling..... empty right now. I'm in a flat phase. Still awaiting the counselling, filled in yet another monthly 'report'. They want to ring me tomorrow, which isn't suitable as I will be at work plus I hate talking on the phone. I did say that when I was initially offered phone counselling. Why keep ringing someone who hates talking on the phone???

Mediation appt went as I expected. The lady explained what would happen etc.. if we went ahead. She contacted STBX by letter and he has apparently contacted her to say he'll be in contact again - presumably to arrange his appt. Can't say I'm looking forward to it, either seeing him or getting all the stuff together (as I hated doing it for Form E, stressed me out). I'm not sure exactly what I want either. I keep changing my mind. Some selfish reasons, some practical.
DD's situation with college right now has me wondering if I need the stress of taking on more than I can chew (mortgage wise for a different property). Both kids could go and stay with STBX quite comfortably I feel, whereas to please everyone else I'll need to stretch myself. I'm not saying abandon them but why should I cause myself more stress when it doesn't have to be that way? When do I put myself first??

I don't think I can handle the DD situation tbh. Finding that stressful in itself. And if they keep my address as their own (and live with me when not at Uni etc..) I'll feel that I'll never be rid of STBX. He'll always know little titbits of my life. (whereas I don't want or need to know any of his, plus I really don't give a sh*t). I know that's a selfish and pathetic way to feel but it's the way my mind works. I can't stop it. I don't know how to stop it.
DD put the xmas decs up on Sunday. I really can't get excited about it. I would like to, but I can't afford to - mentally and financially. I got stressed just trying to put the lights up around the ceiling like it's been done in the past. I told DD I couldn't do it. She was fine and we stuck something else up, one of those cheap things that hangs from one side to the other. We'll go to poundland at the weekend and get something cheap (and tacky I suspect) to put up.
That's another reason - I am up and down. That can't be good for DD.

After reading that back, it's depressing. Wasn't meant to be.
I'm in a rut right now. I need to shake it. I'm hoping once xmas does come and I have some time off from job 2 (school) I can relax a little.
I have 2 xmas works dinners out this week(end). I am not a social person, I really have nothing to say and prefer to listen but people find that weird. Add to the mix I don't drink. Yes I am strange. I will try to sit at the end of the tables (unless they're round, then I'm screwed). Hopefully it all won't be too expensive. The school one is a fixed menu we opted for at a restaurant and we apparently get some money towards it from the school. It's just something they started doing, no one knows why. The 2nd one, evening job, is a normal menu at a local pub/restaurant so I can order things within a budget to keep costs down.
For the school one also, we apparently get a free xmas meal after the kids have gone home for xmas. That'll be something different.
I haven't said anything to either job about waiting for counselling etc... Although both jobs know I'm getting a divorce and about DD's college situation. The ladies I work with (school is 5 ladies, evening is 3 ladies) all are my age-ish so have lots of wisdom to share. One of the older ladies has been through divorce etc.. so has given me more comments than the others.

I need to perk up. I will try.

DD went over to her BF's house after 'college'. I say it like that as I really have no clue whether she goes or not these days. Not until I see the register her senior tutor sends over on a Friday. By then I'm not surprised by the absences. I have no control so I need to move on. She's lied so many times now I am also losing interest. Another issue of mine. People lie to me, I start to detach.

For the first time ever, and I mean ever, I ordered a pizza. Just for myself. Felt kinda guilty, but it was very nice.

I’m not surprised you’re finding this time of year hard,because it’s bound to evoke so many memories. You can create new traditions just for you and dd. That’s my plan this year. My Stbxh moved out a year ago too. So I have bought easy food and frozen it already and I am planning the easiest Christmas Day ever with lots of cheesy tv 📺. The same might not work for you, but there will be something that does.
You are doing well, you know. You’ve come a long way this year.

I'm livid right now.
STBX picked up DD, which is fine, but he brought his OW to my HOME. Yes it was only on the drive but really? This is my home. He could have picked DD up anywhere but chooses here with his OW in tow. I know people won't understand but it's crossed the line for me. Given the fact he hadn't bothered to even tell me, I had to hear from others, I am beyond angry. I have text him asking him not to being his OW here again. He can pick DD up at a neutral location from now on. He has his own life all I want is to get on with mine.
I don't give a flying rats arse he's moved on, I am beyond that, thankfully, I just don't want to see him or have my nose rubbed in it.
I want respect as a bloody human being.
DD is still telling me she's going to college when the register her Senior tutor sends is telling me otherwise. Not every other lesson can mark her as absent surely?!?! 2 days last week are marked as absent. They can't all do that without being right surely? But she still says she went.

I am now out of words and will be ignoring it and when we finalise this financial stuff I will be telling STBX that the kids live with him. I don't want this sh*t in my life. If it was a random person I was friends with who was constantly lying to me I'd be told to cut them loose. Being my child is no different. I will not be lied to. I was constantly wondering if STBX was telling me porkies (or the whole truth) and I won't go down that road again.

I have my issues and I will be addressing them when the therapy stuff finally comes through, but to me, being lied to isn't an 'issue' as such, therapy won't change my opinion on that. It's wrong and hurts. Just tell me the bloody truth.

Some free courses.

www.hotukdeals.com/deals/hundreds-of-new-free-courses-offered-by-the-open-university-2823752

Does STBX know about your DD's non-attendance? Maybe he should step up and do some parenting here? I would like to be there when he hears that you expect him to offer DD and DS a home as you simply can't afford a big enough property. However do take care not to burn bridges that you might later regret. Are you able to email the senior tutor to clarify that these absences are genuine? Having worked in schools myself I would be very surprised if they weren't. Then at least you would have the ammo to confront DD and maybe see if she has problems which are stopping her from attending. VERY tempted to leave it to Ex though - why shouldn't he put himself out for his children for a change?

I agree about the lying though - I do feel myself that if someone deliberately and consistently lies to me then I feel like withdrawing my help and support - but your DD is still very young. Do think about it.

Well car has played up. Managed today without it so far but have just had to hire a car as I need to get to work tonight and tomorrow morning (got the minibus this morning but haven't booked it as thought car would be ready.) I've hired it for 2 days as even though my mechanic says it'll be ready tomorrow (late afternoon) I am no confident and have a backup if needed!

Yep, the absences are real. DD knows I know and so do others.
STBX knows about the absences and said he'd talk to DD. He did that with his OW in tow during their time on Sat and as far as I know nothing really came of it. Which makes me angry as it is, OW being there is not her place, HE needed to talk to DD on his own so it was private.

My sis and BIL took DD out after their gig saturday night (Sun morning) and got to the root(s) of the problem which are all over the place. They came round on Sun arvo and we had it all out. Mainly DD's world has imploded around her and she has anxiety about going into class(es). We will be seeing her senior tutor to talk it through and about the counselling (she has already emailed them but not heard back) and Sis will be going either with me & DD or just with DD, as she's forthright and will push what's needed whereas I am not (never have been).

Found out today that STBX has made an appointment for mediation in Jan. Not looking forward to it as I really don't want to see him let alone be in the same room for a period of time. I'll be angry. I will be trying to see the mortgage company before then to see if there is any way to keep this house and IF (big IF) there is, to get a figure so I know how much I have to pay STBX off with. (need to pay off my CC before a mortgage though, which is why I need a figure so I can deduct it from my Dad's money). If STBX listens that is. If he wants more than I can give then I'm back to square one and either one or both of the kids will have to live with him and his OW. Plus if the mortgage people don't agree I am back to square one as well.

Well it's official. My car is nearly as dead as a dodo. well, that's not strictly true as it drives as lovely as always but the power steering system is just a rusty bundle of pipes. My mechanic has done a repair but hasn't guaranteed it as the pipes round the repair could give up at any point. Basically I need a new car. The sooner the better.
My Dad will basically be paying for the car. No other way, I could buy a cheap £1k job but I don't want to do that as in the long run it won't last.
Whats the best way to do this? (in your experiences?). I said the easiest way is my dad buys it, registers it in his name and I just insure it.

The other option is he 'loans' me the money and I pay him back (at say £20 a month, all the budget will allow right now).
I'm not getting another car for a luxury, it's a necessity, just not one I wanted to do yet before the divorce/financial stuff is done. I don't want it held against me.

STBX has made his appointment with the mediator, trouble is he emailed me with 'concerns' the lady isn't organised enough or confidential enough with our information. I replied saying I thought she was pretty good.

If your Dad is able and willing to buy the car then I think that would be the best idea - if it is in his name but insured for you to drive perhaps it doesn't count then as a marital asset. I don't really know this - just a thought. Or else, if you pay your Dad back, the payments would be another expense you could declare - would it make any difference though.

Concerning Ex's opinion of the mediator - just bat his concerns back like you have done. I wonder if he thinks this because she maybe told him some facts he didn't like?

I really don't want to ask my SOL as the costs keep mounting and it's putting me off! £21.50 just to ask a simple question!

My thinking is : if Dad is the buyer AND registered keeper it won't be my car.
To be honest, if STBX had another car I wouldn't care. It's the house equity I care about at this stage. And STBX will be able to afford a pretty decent car after this is all done so in the end he'll end up with a much nicer car than I ever could!

STBX probably doesn't like the fact I was the one who suggested her and brought this whole thing up. My Sis thinks he's trying to control it again. I mean he hasn't even met the mediator yet, just had a couple of phone calls. He said arranging an appointment seemed difficult but she doesn't have an office as such and rents a room each time (in the same place) she has an appointment so she has to go and check then re-arrange other things to fit you in if necessary. That's the bit he probably didn't like. I thought that was very organised!

As for telling him things he didn't like, I don't know. She didn't say much to me on the phone other than explain how the meetings worked.

I did find out from my SOL that his SOL's have now been in contact. Apparently they had before but only by email and the emails had bounced back. So of course, his SOL's didn't think to actually write a LETTER to my SOLs or even phone explaining things!
STBX has also taken out a loan, Novitas funding?, to take care of his legal stuff until this is done. He's also provided his SOL's with a draft Form E but not actually completed the bloody thing! He's been doing this since August! I started mine at the beginning of Nov and it's all done with my SOL's. Sheesh.
I keep getting the niggly feeling he's stalling for a reason....

My oh bought a car about 4 years ago cost him £500. It might be worth your while having a look about for private sales - you might just find a gem.

I have looked at cheaper ones but it scares me! If it goes wrong I'm screwed! (which can happen with newer ones too I understand that). It would be about 10 yrs old any way.