Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

themuminator - I don't think STBX tries to be trouble but it just makes me feel the way I did when we were together. and that's not good. *my part in the breakdown played a major factor - depression etc... - but lately I have felt better, I need to move on and can't while he's still around and the divorce drags on.

With the dog I am conflicted - but in a good way. I actually, and maybe I shouldn't say it, but I actually feel relief. More for the fact I don't have to worry about him any more or make the decision, it's done. I do miss him, and always will I think, and as I do things and if he was here he'd react etc.. but now it's just quiet. That will take time to get used to.

The breeder has contacted me to let me know that a friend of hers has taken a shine to our lovely boy and is fostering him with a view to making it permanent. It also means the breeder will see him pretty much every week which is nice. The fosterer/adopter has dogs from the breeder already and means our boy will be part of a 'pack'. Something I know he will love. So a happy ending means I can relax and know I did the right thing.

That's good news op - as you say, it shows you did the right thing.

Yes, it is. I am a little surprised though, he only went back Wednesday! But I suppose they have so many contacts and I had a feeling he'd up with someone who already had one (or more) of their dogs. The *breeder is staying with the friend who is fostering him so that explains the quickness of it all. I'm glad in a way, as although he would have been in a home environment living at the breeders house, it's nice he's going to be 'home' sooner rather than later.

*the breeder I am referring to here is the daughter, her mum also shares the breeding (who started it years ago) and who I (we) had initial contact with, but the daughter shares (or takes over!) the breeding. Her dad shares all other duties with looking after the dogs! LOL!

DD mentioned Xmas today. She said her dad had told her to have Xmas as normal (meaning with me and my family) and he'll see them a couple of days later...... me thinks STBX has plans with his GF/OW.

I told DD to sort it out with her brother (DS) and then talk to their Dad. In previous years we've alternated between my family and his parents, I don't see why that should change unless the kids want it to. (STBX doens't work over Xmas, he has 2 weeks off....). I mean it's not like this is a few yrs down the track, it's the 2nd one since our split - but 1st since STBX moved out. Am I wrong in thinking he should be thinking about the kids (well, adults) before GF yet?

He should be Over - but you know and we know that he won't. I think you did the right thing to ask your DD and DS to sort out what they would like to do.

This would annoy me though

her dad had told her to have Xmas as normal (meaning with me and my family) and he'll see them a couple of days later

He obviously thinks he can dictate what everyone else should do over Christmas. What if you told the kids to spend Christmas with their Dad whilst you had a couple of days chilling in a posh hotel? (Not that you would - but what if ...?)

It just riles me. He obviously may not have meant it the way it sounded but this yr is his turn for Xmas day with his parents so....

Although he is like his mum in the respect of you ask a question and he'll say 'I don't mind'. His mum didn't seem to mind if we didn't go Xmas day but I normally said no we'll come to you (apart from the yr after my mum died, so it meant we spent 2 yrs running with my Dad).

So I will also tell DS to think about Xmas, as he may want to spend it with his BF and his family (fine by me if that's his choice), but at least STBX should ASK what they both want! And he should also clarify with me that's it's suitable for me, not just expect what will happen. DD will go along with whatever she's told and that's not right this time, she needs to find her voice with him (and me).

It's the same old story - it's as if we ex wives, by being responsible and caring about our children (including adult children) are actually enabling these men to wander off and do what they like because we are there holding the fort with THEIR families.

You wouldn't dream of telling the kids to have Christmas with him and his parents - so why does he think he has the right to do this? Because he is an entitled shit who thinks you will always be there as his backstop so he can do what he likes.

I actually feel that since my ex left 14 years ago, I have been the backdrop to my children's lives (they were just a bit younger than yours when he left - and one still lives with me now) whilst he could chase his dreams with someone else in another country. What if I had wanted to do that?

I suppose what I am saying that their horizons seem to expand when they leave whereas, in order to facilitate them, ours shrink. It is so depressing. Then they swan back for a couple of days to be Disney dads and everyone thinks they're wonderful. My ex MIL after a visit to ex abroad came back and told me that his new wife seemed very nice and he seemed very happy well as long as he's happy, that's alright then - never mind that the rest of us are miserable. She was a nice woman and I liked her generally, but why would she think that this was an acceptable thing to say to me?

Oh I agree. Men (some, not all) have a different view when leaving.

Since he left my life has been the same and actually got worse with 2 new jobs (not a bad thing as such) and having to rethink the dogs' future, but his has been vastly different doing what he wants, when he wants, also with his OW.

He sees DD once a month and that's it, doesn't even really take her for a meal - he just takes her for coffee and a cake or something! (that is what she wants to do but come on, not every time! Take her for a proper meal occasionally!).

I have to plan my future making sure I will cater for the kids coming back, I'm not sure he's doing that. Although he will no doubt have a big enough place with his OW to accommodate everyone. Which, if my place is too small, he will have to do. Whether OW has thought of this I don't know. Might come as a shock when 2 adult kids move in after Uni!!

Yes I am bitter about all this to be honest and I'll never forgive him for the way he's handled this split & divorce and the fact I've had to give my (our) dog away, whether for the best or not. i never want to see him again but I know I will have to. When we decide what's happening financially, whether I have to move or not, he needs to come back to get tools from the garage and stuff from the loft. I could bugger off while he does that but I need to see what he takes, so......
I will then not see him unless absolutely necessary, and even then I will decide at the time whether it's good for me or not.

Xmas will be what the kids want, although DD isn't bothered, she'll go wherever she's told! But DS will choose and as it's STBX's parents turn this year they should go to them. It's only fair. And as we've done it in the past. As I said, it depends on whether STBX wants to do that, sounds like he has plans..... maybe even going away with OW.

My cash situation is crap & confusing at the moment. I'm still registered as employed by L's, I have my regular evening job and next week I will also get paid from the new morning job. I know it won't be much but the tax situation will hurt my head! I have told them I'm no longer employed by L's but no idea if they can put it through as they don't have a P45 raised yet....

Then I will also hopefully get my child benefit back. I didn't realise I had to reclaim for the 2nd yr of DD's college course. I haven't had any letters, not even a reminder type thing, otherwise I would have done it online in my tax account. I put the yr ending as 2018 when I filled it in for 'staying in education' last yr so thought it would roll over. Oh well. You live and learn! I won't have to do it next yr!

I bet he plans a cosy Christmas with OW and doesn't intend going to his parents at all - that would be my bet.

As for his collecting of stuff - it was a difficult day when ex did this, but I managed it by removing stuff I definitely thought he should not have. In fact it was easier for me because he was moving abroad so there was stuff he couldn't take, but he had kindly donated stuff to his sisters (some things which quite frankly we could have used - all to make HIM look good you see).

I piled his stuff together in the garage, went through the books and separated them and told him he could take a bookcase if he dismantled it. I put some pans I didn't want and other stuff in his pile too. He didn't question anything that wasn't there - the idea was he was leaving the house intact as the children's home. He took a couple of pieces of (non-essential) furniture which were left to him in his aunt's will (and shipped them abroad).

He left a lot of his rubbish which he didn't want and couldn't be bothered dealing with in the loft. The following summer (he left in October, our decree absolute came through in November and he married again in the December!) Mum and Dad and I took it all to the tip.

If you plan a bit - snaffle the things you really really need and put them somewhere, and limit his access to parts of the house - eg, your bedroom should be off limits surely - then you could camp out somewhere and let him get on with it. If you put a lot of his stuff together he will probably be grateful and just pack it up. He will want to do it as quickly as possible. Depending on the time of year he does this the kids might be able to help. As it happened, neither of mine was there when ex did this (can't remember where they were now).

I do remember though - hope this doesn't upset you - our old dog fawning all over him when he arrived. He was still her Dad you see - it felt all wrong somehow. He flew out the following week and never saw her again, she died a couple of years later. He now has five dogs and I just have a cat - can you tell he was the dog person, not me? (Although I was devoted to her - she was a rescue cross breed.)

I've been following your thread from the start itsover and just wanted to say how sorry I am that you've had no choice but to part with your Ddog and that your ex is such a cold-hearted shit Clearly It's a "thing" with these callous blokes, my ex also left me with the kids and 3 dogs to look after while he swanned off to live happily ever after with OW. One of the dogs was essentially his, and when I asked him what he was planning on doing with him his response was "Just get rid of it" (I didn't) He then went on to have a pic of said dog as his FB profile pic!!

kaitlinktm - I'm still planning to go through the loft and separate our stuff, he says he doesn't have a lot up there so it shouldn't take long!, but that way it's all packed so I can get it down when he wants it. He took a lot of stuff with him, mainly as I got it all out of cupboards, drawers etc.. when he said he was moving out! Not sure if that surprised him or not. I've also been giving things in dribs and drabs as I find them so he can take them when seeing DD/DS.

The garage is slightly more complicated, as it's got so much crap in there, mainly tools etc. and not sure what he'll want or whether he even wants to keep most of it.

I'm not sure he'll even want things from the house itself tbh. We don't have expensive things and most of it is over 10 yrs old. Plus if he's planning to move in with his OW at some point, would she want things from our house around?? I will of course discuss it with him when the time comes. I won't be just letting him roam no, I don't trust him as far as I can spit! I will want to know what he takes as well.
I guess our situation is different as the kids are so much older and will both be at Uni next year so it won't be their 'home' in the same way as younger kids.

JohnnyMarr That sucks. Why do these men do it?? My STBX thought it was the easiest thing I think but it wasn't, it just made the situation much worse. And yeah, our dog used to adore him.

I sent STBX an email about Xmas, telling him it was his turn at his parents this yr. His reply - which was quite quick tbh - was that his parents had other arrangements and he would make plans with the kids to take them to see them 'during the week after'. Now given Xmas day is a Monday does he mean that week or the following week?! Bearing in mind STBX has 2 weeks off for Xmas/New Yr. (DS isn't sure if he's coming back or spending it with his BF yet).

No doubt STBX will be with OW and her family, or if he rents a house (as I suspect) he'll be at his place with her. I still think they live together with her as an unofficial renter but that's by the by, I can't prove that. I find it strange his parents have other plans as they don't do anything normally! They are a boring couple. His dad specifically. Plus none of their family get along!

I just find it peachy that I'm just expected to do things with them and he'll just drop in when he arranges a time with them. He won't even spend the whole day, it'll be an afternoon. I know we're not married any more but communication to me would be helpful so I know the plans. DD or DS shouldn't always be expected to tell me these things. I find it weird, I mean, wouldn't you take them out for the day somewhere? We're within 45 mins of a large shopping centre where you could spend a long time, having lunch, shopping etc. why not do that?? But no, he'll spend 1 afternoon with them and his parents. yawn (I'm not being mean, even STBX didn't really want to visit them much.....)

Eventually they will stop bothering with him if that's all they get to do - just go for a coffee or whatever. He'll probably think he's well off the hook but he will lose out in the end when they get used to not including him in their lives.

Wherever possible I would just make your own plans with the DC now - unless he gives you information in a timely fashion. Also I would get out of the habit of him laying down what will happen - "sorry, that doesn't work for us, I have already arranged x as I hadn't heard from you." Full stop. Fait accompli. If he doesn't like it then he should have been quicker off the mark and not just assumed that everyone will fit in with him. They won't - you won't.

If you're not sure which week he means - just make plans that suit you - "sorry, when you said the week after, I assumed you meant xxx (we all thought that was what you meant) we have arranged yyy now so the DC can't come."

Or just take the initiative and say "over xx holiday we have planned to do yyy" - even if the plans aren't set in stone - and see what he says. At the moment he is acting like he is in charge - why should he swan in and out of your lives and tell you what you will be doing with your holiday times?

He sounds a very arrogant man.

I know. Taking DD to her Uni day obviously counted as her monthly outing with him as she hasn't mentioned any plans to see him this month. I'm not sure how much they talk by text or messenger or whatever, I don't ask now to be honest. I did, in passing, in the beginning, but now I can't be bothered. It's not my business.

I don't do much, neither does DD, or even DS for that matter. We're all very homely people. Although I do hope DD branches out when at Uni next yr. DS needs to as well, as his BF's mum also said, they both need to but if they'er happy I guess that's all that matters.

I guess I do need to just move on completely and stop engaging him, but with this divorce still hanging around I can't get away from him yet. I am looking forward to the day I never need to speak to him again! When both kids are at Uni, when they come back for anything, they can stay with him some of the time - they don't need to stay with me all the time, and if I get a smaller place it won't always be possible. STBX better get used to it! Not sure OW has thought of that yet....

He can be arrogant yes. He's one of these that thinks he knows everything. I'd ask a hypothetical question sometimes and yet he'd still give me an answer! Towards the end of things I'd stop him and tell him I didn't need to know... I bet OW loves that about him but after 20 yrs it grates! (I do have my problems as well, I'm far from perfect!). I'm still waiting for my therapy appointment (face to face one) but had an online form to fill out the other day, they got concerned with one of my answers so rang me afterwards to 'check in'. My mood is stable (until next week when PMS hits.... guaranteed, like a dark cloud) but I've felt the same way for along time so for me it's just normal.

How are things going, op? Have you had your therapy appointment yet? Hope it went well if so.

Cambionome Things are going OK at the moment thanks. I'm still on the waiting list for therapy but have monthly 'check-ins' online where I fill out the assessment form and they keep an eye on it. My next one isn't until mid Nov.

Another week done. Had the week off from my evening job so it was nice to relax for a little while. Although I had got into a routine for the past few weeks so it felt strange not to get ready in the evening. And TV is dreadful now!! Next week I do one day at the morning job and then have 2 weeks off from that, so I can have some lie-ins which will be nice.That's one thing I have felt, tired. Hopefully it will get better once I get more used to having 2 jobs again.

I feel like everything has come to a standstill with the divorce etc.. Haven't heard anything from STBX for a while. He said he'd be sorting out his Form E at the end of Aug and here we are nearly the end of Oct and still nothing. I will be seeing my SOL in the next couple of weeks to sort out my Form E. I'm dreading it tbh, as on paper it looks like I'm quids in, when in reality I have bills to pay in the future and my benefits will stop. I know he will pop up when he feels like it and will no doubt ruin Xmas again this year by surprising my with something. He has great timing like that.

I've booked my car in for it's MOT next week, which I know it will fail and could cost up to £1000 to fix. But it needs to be done as I can't afford to buy another one just yet and I won't spend £1000 on a different car which won't last anyway, when this one has done me so well. Hopefully it won't need half as much as I think so we'll see.

I am panicking slightly as my 1st job - the evening one - isn't that stable. The march deadline for their lease expiring is coming up fast, even with planning permission for another store, they haven't even started it yet, which I know will take a while as the road layout to the new store has to be done first. I know it might not happen but redundancy is very real. And it's the main wage unfortunately. As usual the management aren't telling us anything and I can see it going pear-shaped in the next few months. I had hoped I was going to be fine with 2 part time jobs but this could ruin everything.

I feel like I'm getting nowhere fast. Is this usual?? STBX hasn't contacted me about Form E for a while and I have yet to finish mine. I've booked an appointment with my SOL for next week to talk about it and to finish filling it in, making sure I get it right. I really don't want to do it but I know it's necessary.
I've committed to paying 2 more household bills, now I have a 2nd job I feel that's right. I still can't pay the mortgage and there's one more bill I don't want to take on just yet as I'm still sorting out finances. Other than that I pay them all now, which feels good but also scary!

I emailed STBX to tell him I was doing that and tbh I don't want or need a reply to it. I haven't told him I have a 2nd job and won't unless he asks. I won't tell him where or the hours etc.. as that'll all be on Form E anyway. I really don't want to even include it but it's a legal thing so have to, I mean, it's none of his business and I'm pissed I have to tell him at all. I still feel like he knows everything and I know nothing. I just want this done so we can ignore each others existence completely.

My night job is still worrying me, whether it'll be there in 6 months (well, March!).

Really feeling down this week. PMS isn't as bad as usual (famous last words). It either hits before OR after! I am eating for 15 at the moment, the munchies have hit. The headaches have started. I'm more tired than normal. Oh the joy of being a woman. Eating, tiredness and headaches are normal for me, always have been even before the kids, I'm just hoping the down feeling I have doesn't get worse. That's where my problem lies. I have been taking calcium pills with my multivits daily for a while now and that may have helped a little, but not sure if that's just my imagination or it really does help.

Feel exactly the same about getting nowhere fast with my divorce.

Don't really have any helpful advice, I'm afraid... I think his lack of communication shows a total lack of thoughtfulness and respect towards you, but then I guess you've already noticed that! Is it worth really pulling him up on it, or will he just ignore that too?

At first I wanted to keep this divorce process slow and take my time, but now I'd rather just get it over with.

His (lack of) communication isn't any different than it used to be tbh. It's always been hit and miss.

I cleared out the loft Sunday, with the help of my family, to tidy up, separate his stuff and put mice traps up there!, and there were some things to go to the tip which I didn't want but wasn't sure if STBX would, I knew if I asked him directly he'd ignore me so I asked DD to to ask him. He replied to her pretty much straight away.

That's the level of respect I command apparently, but when I used to text him before (during the marriage) he used to take his time to answer, sometimes not even bothering as he didn't think my text warranted an answer and could wait until he got home. Or if he was checking on something or booking something during the day he wouldn't bother to text me the outcome a lot, so I'd have to ask.

I didn't trust him (long story, no cheating - as such - and my issues complicating things...) and rather than build my trust back up with his help, he said it was my problem not his - which yes it was, but to build trust back up it has to be both of you working at it IMO.

Contacting him when he was at work (by text 99% of the time) he thought that was strange. Trust didn't really play a part in that a lot, most of the time I was asking a question or wanted to talk! As he worked about an hour away (not including rush hour traffic) I wanted him to let me know when he left so I could try to plan dinner. Some things won't keep long (like stir fry or fajitas). Bearing in mind he could leave at different times within a 1/2 hr window depending on what he was doing, or how he felt!

I guess that just reinforces that you are better off without him, but I know it's a long tiring slog now to get through the whole divorce process and out the other side. I guess we just have to grit our teeth and carry on!

Exactly, I think in time I will see the benefit of this divorce. Just takes times!

Carrying on sounds like a plan, hopefully without too much pain!

So, today, not only is the car being MOT'd , most likely failing and then meaning I will need to walk/cycle to work later (walk to work, then cycle home as it's quicker and downhill!) but now the bloody Sky box has stopped working. I contacted a local company/guy who can maybe come round later or tomorrow. Oh well. The box and dish are about 15 yrs old!! Just glad I don't have to call an SKY engineer out as they're expensive and not instant, could take a week. Why is life so bloody frustrating all at once? Please space it out.....

OK, I take back what I said earlier. It's a good day after all! Car passed MOT - with some helpful tricks from my mechanic! (safe and legal tricks I might add, my mechanic is an honest guy who won't rip you off but also won't leave you with a deathtrap. I bought him and his mate some biccies for teabreak!). But he said next yr it won't work and I will need a new car or spend some big bucks to fix this one, I should take the next 12 months to save and look around. Which I agree with completely.
That is my plan but I don't want to buy a car yet, without knowing the settlement for the divorce. I can wiggle around a budget for a car but not a new home if needed. I want the best home I can buy as I will be there for a very long time (or stay in this one buying STBX out).

Sky fixed. It was the LNB on the dish, so the guy swapped the sky cable onto our freesat dish and bingo, all done. Nice guy too. Will recommend him to anyone who asks. I will think about upgrading to an HD (2nd hand) box but right now I'm not bothered.

So now I have a plumber, a gas engineer and a sky (TV) engineer! None of whom I had last yr. and have found myself through google or friends/family. (and all 3 took their shoes off without being asked! That's a result right there!)

Last yr I would never have done these things as I would have relied on STBX to sort it all as I'd be too wary and anxious. But now it's just me I HAVE to do it. That sort of makes it OK in my head, specially when it goes right, knowing I NEED to do it makes me push on and do it.

Hi, It'sover, I have been following you from your first thread. I have thought of you often and prayed for you often too. I sincerely apologize for not commenting before.
I have just read your latest post and my heart became all sunny and light...a huge smiles broke over my face and i mentally was hugging you and doing little jumps of joy/victory.
(i hope this internet stranger is not creepin you out ).
But it is so great to read you sounding so strong and happy. You have handled everything with so much grace and sense. I have been admiring from afar but today i couldn't help but comment. It will get better and i want to say this glimpse of the future you..is a truly lovely sight. You have done good.

Another weekend nearly over. They go way too quickly these days. Back to the day job tomorrow as well.
Saw my SOL the other day about Form E and to discuss other things.

Long story short, looks like I won't have a choice but to sell my home and move. Unless a miracle happens and I win the lottery. Trouble is, around here to buy what I'd like and actually want to live in for the next 20 yrs, is difficult. To get want I don't like and don't want isn't a problem. That's my dilemma - what do I compromise on?? How do I decide?!

I like the area I live in, which means not getting what I want without going out of my comfort zone budget wise.

I can get what I want in an area I have been to frequently, as it's the next town, BUT I wouldn't want to live there. Not that it's a bad area, it's just not where I'd want to be. And for my 2 jobs - at present - isn't as convenient.

The biggest compromise is a flat vs a house. I want outside space (to call my own, even a small postage stamp would work) and parking, with a flat that's a tall order and nearly impossible to get both. There are houses around here but they are few and far between in my desired price range, meaning looking further afield (which is the area dilemma).
With a flat I'd also need to pay other charges like ground rent etc., which seem to vary greatly between each property!

I know my neighbours here, not very well after this long, but I know them. I am not a sociable people person and it's taken a while to get this far, moving means starting again. I'd like to stay in the area as I'm familiar with it and moving to the other area, I will feel, for want of a better word, alone. It's hard to put into words what I mean.

I'm also on tenterhooks about my evening job and redundancy. I have been looking around for other evening jobs and while they are around they too are few and far between (that I can do).

I hate change at the best of times but this is testing me. I've already lost my marriage and my (our) dog, now my home is next and possibly my (newish) job. I know I have no choice but to keep going and make the best of it, which I will try to do and am trying to see the positives not the negatives, but it's difficult. I am hoping the therapy, when it eventually comes through, will help my mindset and help me see things in different positive ways. As it stands I am a very negative person that throws obstacles in the way, whether real or not. I can't help that.

To complicate things more at the moment, DD is having problems at college again. She's got her insecurities which are playing a part. After speaking to her I said we need to sort this out as it won't go away so I rang up to make the appointment to see someone later this week. We'll make notes as I think it'll be easier to remember things and actually talk about what we need to talk about.

STBX has been as much help as a chocolate teapot and immediately blamed the college for getting it wrong (they emailed both of us as I didn't answer my phone during my SOL appointment). Yes I agree the college played a part in some of the issues going on but ultimately DD has caused the main issue.

I text him back to say they were right and I have made a time to meet someone during the week, if he'd like to come, but so far I've been blanked. Not even an acknowledgement! That's more my problem. He just ignores me when he feels like it. It's not even about me! It's about DD. HE wanted this divorce but HE'S not moving it forward.
My SOL will be writing to him to see if he wants to do mediation so we can actually clear the air and agree on the financial stuff etc... I wait with baited breathe as to whether he agrees.....
Every time my SOL mentioned a plan about the finances/house situation I told her he wouldn't agree! Which is true, he wants what he wants and sod everyone else. (mainly as I've made suggestions before and he's waved them off). That's when she suggested the mediation stuff.
I mainly need to know if he's thought about the 'kids' after this mess is sorted. If I can't afford a big enough place one or both will need to live with him during Uni breaks and even after if needed. Plus that will affect their Uni finance. All these things affect them, not just me and STBX.

My SOL also said if he fills out the part that I'm worried he'll fill out on Form E, he'll seem like a petty man!