Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

Update: DD did tell me earlier, after opening the uni prospectus she received, that STBX will be taking her to one of the open days I suggested. He could have replied to me too confirm but no. I guess I should be glad he's doing something without quibbling. I will be pissed if OW tags along though. IMO, and some might disagree with me here, but it's not her place.

I still want half of my costs though, I will have taken her to 4 opens days plus taking DS to and from Uni. That's not the same as one uni day! We need to communicate to come up with a figure we're both happy with. We shall see. I'm not hopeful.

I agree with you, it's not her place to go with DD and STBX and any right-thinking person would feel the same - however that doesn't mean that she won't go. More likely he will persuade her - really it would be up to DD to say that she would feel more comfortable to just go with her parent as she doesn't know YOW very well.

Yes, hopefully OW won't be making an appearance and will understand it's not her place. I doubt I'll find out. I don't like asking DD too many questions as I don't want to quiz her or put her in the middle of things. And it's better for my own sanity if I don't know things.

STBX has finally replied.

He will pay half the plumber costs, but also pointing out that he is incurring lots of costs himself and doesn't have spare cash.... Um, not my problem matey! The house is jointly owned therefore we both need to pay.

And if he's incurring his own costs, what the heck on? My bet is he's paying more for rent than before (not sure if it's just a room or the whole house tbh, I'm going with the latter.....) and also petrol as the 'house' is further from work. Not to mention he has to entertain his OW/GF. He's been to a lot of gatherings according to the kids, as they obviously see it all on FB and mentioned that's how they knew he was seeing OW, she was everywhere he was and liked everything 2 seconds after he posted stuff!

He will also take DD to one of her uni days (as DD told me yesterday) and will pay towards the other day I'm taking her to - as his day and one of mine cancels each other out apparently.... I'm happy, not only for DD as she'll enjoy it I think, having another opinion will be nice, but also for me as I don't want to do everything as it gets tiring. Selfish I guess, but he's her parent too.

I won't mention all the other costs I've incurred with DD that are upwards of I'd say £1200. He has yet to confirm if he'll pay half her bus fare....

At least he's paying something for the plumber and petrol. Although he did word it in a way that sounded like he was doing me a favour. I don't need to know about his 'costs'. Just pay it. I don't explain my costs.

I won't mention my new job until I am sure I am keeping it. Once I am sure I will then pay for the council tax and water bill. That only leaves the mortgage that he'll be paying.

Shedding a tear for poor, overwhelmed STBX, not. Honestly, he's toxic for you, don't you think? He has a lot of nerve boohooing over how he has expenses, too.

How much would it cost to pay someone to do the million and one little things one does to keep a house viable if you weren't doing all that?

If you weren't keeping the place clean and tidy, waiting for the plumber to show up, minding the yard, on and on, guess what, someone who charges good money would have to do that. I noticed this during our housing crisis, that unattended houses quickly fall into disrepair and lose value at an astonishingly rapid rate. You ought to keep a running total of all the things you do daily around the house that STBX would have to pay someone else to do if you couldn't do them. Because he obviously cannot and would not do any of that.

Regardless, congrats on the new job. Hope you have a great start on Monday!

ODFOD Emily.
Reported

Hope it goes ok today at the new job Over.

Hope the new job is going well.

Just came to say I'm in the early stages of separation, but you seem to be doing really well OP. Don't give up on relationships though, I'm sure you are a catch. [smike]

I meant

Well, it's a week into the new job and it seems to be OK. It's not rocket science but it is hard work (I sweat daily - TMI sorry), but the time goes quickly and they're a nice bunch of (6) ladies (and 1 older gentleman who is the handy man). I'm already down for the Xmas meal in December. Not sure if this is a long term thing but it's a decent job and only working term time means long holidays.

Not really feeling productive lately. I go through stages of wanting to do things and then fall flat. Took DD to her uni open day on Sat. Went OK but it's not her fav. STBX will be taking her to another open day this Sat, then I take her to the last one in a few weeks.

STBX is being a pain. He has agreed to pay something towards the open day costs but as usual hasn't taken into account the 2 I've already done. His day cancels out one of mine so will only pay a small amount towards the other one.
His crappy calculations have again put the joint account overdrawn. I had to transfer money over to put it back to 0. As usual he hasn't replied to that email but has emailed this afternoon about something else. Why he can't add up correctly I don't know. It's a simple thing, take the bills you're paying, add them together and transfer that amount to the joint account. Simple. You'd think.

I will answer his email tomorrow when I feel like it. I do have the information to hand but it's a busy day today (off to work again later...) so he can wait 24 hrs.
As yet I haven't mentioned the new job to him, I don't get paid until the middle of each month so technically I don't have any more spare cash yet until mid October. Only then will I inform him and tell him I'm taking over one of the bills he's still paying for.

He told me he was dealing with the Form E stuff at the end of Aug, but the email today referenced something he needs to know about it (question from his SOL) so he hasn't moved forward with that. Typical. Mind you I haven't finished mine yet either, I've stalled. I can't get up the enthusiasm to do it. I still need some bank statements which I need to actually go into the bank for (I can't be bothered with phoning up, they always get confused with my questions). I also need to sort out the expenditure thing they ask for. I really don't want to do that, it's something I don't think is relevant. I just want the equity then move on. I don't care about haircuts, or anything of that nature, for the next yr. Plus working it all out seems like such a pain, I don't know what I'll be spending in the next yr!

First off I need to post a pressie for DS, it's his birthday next week.

Autumnskiesarelovely - nope, relationships in the future aren't on my radar. I don't think I can be bothered. I really don't feel 'myself' around other people tbh. I never know what to say and always end up looking stupid. I'd rather keep to myself and just go to work to earn money. Being alone for however long I have left isn't a nice prospect but it's best for me and everyone else. Trust me. I'm complicated. Easier to be complicated on my own! And I'm definitely not a catch! I have too many issues for that. I admit it.

p.s. I know that last paragraph sounds very negative - and it is - but I have to much going on in my head and too many hang ups to inflict on any one else. I'm also not sure what I want any more.

I am single Over and intend to remain so - I am mostly quite happy on my own, but I must be about 20 years older than you are (in my sixties) so it's a bit different. When I was with ex I used to dream of living alone. He on the other hand remarried within 6 weeks of our divorce. I used to say that I would never marry again or live with someone again but I wouldn't have minded a sort of semi-detached sort of relationship - going out, companionship, sex (although I got put off that by ex, but yes, sex) but it hasn't worked out that way - to be fair I haven't actively searched for anyone and would hate to do OLD.

You are younger so you never know, but just so you do know, I am perfectly content on my own (well DS1 still lives here but is due to move out in the next year or so). Just keep an open mind, don't rule anything out and enjoy your own company - watch what you like on TV, eat what and when you like etc.

Thanks kaitlinktm. I think you can be content on your own. I've never lived alone so will be looking forward to it once DD goes to Uni. Your ex and mine sound alike in this respect. He's already planning to live with his OW/GF. I did tell him he wouldn't be on his own and he was surprised I said that. (although he was probably with her when I said that!).

I will miss being part of a couple, doing things together, having someone there to talk to and share things with. I DO want that in a fantasy world, but in reality I know it's not going to happen* so will just get on with it. I will go to work and then be alone at home, it's not ideal but it's the way it will be and I will accept that. I am ruling a relationship out. For many reasons.

*partly because I don't want to go down that road (I have trust issues) and partly because I am not the sort of person people would want. Even STBX wasn't happy that I didn't wear dresses/skirts etc... I am perfectly comfortable and happy in jeans/polo shirts. I am honest about it with myself and will live with it.

I want STBX to stop contacting me. I try to get on with things and then bam! I get an email from him and I feel like crap again. I just want to stop all contact. I want this to be over.

Sending you pawsitive vibes, OP!

Well, it's a new week. And a decision made last week that I may regret for the rest of my life but it has to be done. Tomorrow afternoon, after much soul searching, the breeder comes to pick up our doggie. It hasn't been an easy decision but after so much thought I can't find a way to keep him. He's a lovely boy and I'm sure they'll find him a lovely home. They will sort out any problems he has (like car sickness) and look for the right forever home for him. We can keep in contact so we know what is happening with him.

I have been crying on and off for days just thinking about it but it's the right decision for him and us. He needs more time than I can give, now I have 2 jobs, and the cost is just too much for me.

It will take time to adjust - for all of us - as he's been a part of our lives for 4 years and this decision isn't one I thought I'd have to make. It's been forced upon me by circumstance (as are all decisions we make I suppose) and I will never forgive STBX for this. He could have worked with me so this didn't have to happen but nope, he's got his new life and after all, it's only a dog. (sarcasm font needed there.....). We got the dog as a FAMILY pet, both responsible for him, but STBX just walked away. That tells me a lot about him as a person tbh. I feel like I've let our lovely boy down but it's the only way forward that I can see.

Saying goodbye to our lovely boy tomorrow will be even more difficult than the ending of my marriage, weird as that sounds. But I keep trying to tell myself it's the right thing. He will be happier. He'll see his mum, half brother and 2 siblings from his litter tomorrow (along with 3 other dogs in their family!) and stay there until his new home is found. He'll love it. He loves dogs so will love having so many to play with.

I will try to move on as will DD, who understands and is trying to keep it together I feel, and DS knows it's the right thing to do. Our lovely boy will always be part of our lives just not actually in them any more.

I know it feels heartbreaking Over but you all know that it is the best thing for him. If you were selfish, then you would keep him knowing that you can't give him the attention that he needs - the attention that you could have given him if your situation had remained the same as when your family adopted him.

He won't understand at first but it sounds like there is plenty to distract him and keep him occupied at the breeders, and the breeder sounds as though they are responsible and caring - honestly, this is best for him. If he is anything like one of my previous dogs, he will be so busy he won't get time to fret - you will probably fret more than he will.

Please tell me that STBX did not say "he's only a dog" - however I suspect he may have done. If he did, then just think, he probably says similar about his family - "they're grown up now" "she's only a wife". If he is getting serious about his shiny new gf she ought to be warned by how he treats his previous wife and children.

itsover

Just done a skim read of the thread! I wanted to send my support and sympathies. I'm in a fairly similar situation.

Re: wanting emails to stop. You can do that. Are they intimidating? Or just about financial stuff etc? I took out a non-molestation order for physical and verbal abuse, including persistent demanding emails (which he then contested, so to save on the £5k it would cost me to go back to court I've agreed on Undertakings. Bastard). If he doesn't contest it you can do it for free yourself. And even if he did, you could arrange undertakings which basically mean the same thing.

But it has given me peace. No more emails, no demands as everything has to be sent through a solicitor. No worrying that he will turn up at the house.

Of course he continues his control through getting the kids to request things and through not paying any child maintenance or the mortgage on the joint property he is living in. But hey, I have a peace of sorts.

Glad to hear you are on the road to recovery with new job etc. Keep going.

Thanks.

Well he left about 2.30. He seemed confused but also curious as he was sharing a van with 5 of their dogs! (all in their own crates I might add!). His breeder is a very caring one and they take it very seriously. He will have plenty to keep him occupied and the breeder even said he 'may' have a potential home a little bit away from us who already have one of their dogs and lots of land. It's only an idea at this stage but that sounds perfect for him. So fingers crossed.

I know they will make sure he has the right home and it will no doubt be with someone who they know and trust already.
I've cleared all his stuff, as I really didn't want to sit looking at it (its in the garage etc.). The house looks so big now. And empty. It will take time I know.

My Dad came over and was here when he left, so that was good. My Sis came over yesterday to say goodbye to him. DD was at college and seems to taking it better than me, but I suspect she's internalising it more so I will keep talking about it and him. I only hope I stop crying now! Its giving me a headache!

i can't remember if he said 'it's only a dog' but something along those lines! And I get the impression he feels that way. He's said from the start the dog can go back so he never wanted to work things out and keep him. That tells me a lot about him as a person, as I said.

themuminator - thank you. I'm trying! The emails are just annoying and always about wanting something, never abusive etc... Never to check on DD or the dog or house etc.. I know when I receive an email it's bad news. And it just gets me down. I potter along then he rears his ugly head and depresses me again. I did say all financial stuff should go through solicitors but he seems to have ignored it.

DD and I will be going out for dinner I think. I really don't want to cook and luckily tonight I start later for work.

themuminator I really hope things work out for you. This kind of situation is never one I thought I'd be in but hopefully we can all come out the other side stronger and better for it. I know I will.

Hmm, I know what you mean. I had lots of those to start off with, just demanding stuff about paying bills etc. But they got worse. I didn't react too well to start off with and sent sweary ones back, but I stopped that altogether after a physical incident. He continued though, and worse.

It is still meant to bully and get you down though. Just that he's staying just behind the line of harassment. Keep all the emails. Can you have them go straight into a separate folder so you don't see them? Surely you don't really need to be in that much contact? Otherwise block him. It is like a drop by drop intentional control thing for him. I found myself getting more and more upset and jumping every time my email pinged.

My ex can only ring my landline or email me in an emergency. He hasn't yet. It is peaceful.

I really feel for you with the empty house feeling. I'm glad you are going out for dinner.

So, so sorry about your dog, OP. It must have been terribly hard for you. You spoke many times about wanting to do what was best for the dog and I'm sure you have. That took real courage and sensitivity on your part.

I'm sorry to hear about your dog, but you've done the right thing.