Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

You can speak to HMRC yourself and sort that out.

Oh I tried! Getting through the system was so complicated - then they cut me off! Twice! I will speak to L's to confirm they've done everything they told me they would - and how I can pay them back. Then ring HMRC to check everything and make sure they're aware of the situation. Just another headache I didn't need tbh.

You can do it online. It's called a personal tax account. Takes about 15 mins set up but is really good

Oh yeah I've got that, but you can't change your tax details. I can fill out one of the forms but I need to know the date L's have put down for my leaving date on the P45. I'm hoping the 18th Aug as the day I actually left, not the 30th. I don't want to guess.

I did add them as my 2nd job but can't take them off!

The rule is that annoying mail always arrives on Friday, designed to create a wall of worry over the weekend. Also, phone calls that say please return call immediately are placed on your answering machine five minutes before the close of business on Friday.

Haha! So damn true! I can't even cancel the pet insurance renewal as they are updating there phone systems all weekend! My to-do list for Monday is getting longer!

I always picture functionaries at work like the sloths in "Zootopia"...

Feeling ... i don't know. Like I'm going to lose everything. I just want to come out of this having a comfortable life and not in debt. Filling in Form E next week, dreading it.
I have the feeling right now that everything will go against me and STBX will come out of this smelling of roses.

I hope not and I really don't think it will.
Keep fighting and stay positive!

I'm just counting the pennies right now. It's a bad month financially for me to start paying my card bill. Having 4 mouths to feed this week, with DS and his BF here, is taking it's toll and I haven't got any privacy right now to just be on my own and breathe. Luckily the therapy place cancelled their phone appointment for today so I didn't have to work out how to do it in private.

L's are still messing me around. I had expected to hear from them by now but nope, still receiving emails like I'm an employee. I will have to ring them again tomorrow just to see what is happening. My tax credits have been reduced because they still think I'm employed in a 2nd job and that's not helping.

I'm trying to think positive, I hope to get the equity and that's that, but I feel I'll be clobbered because I can manage my money better than STBX and am saving. But today has been weird and I can feel the cloud of PMS descending again. Yep, it's that time soon. I can always tell without evening looking at the calendar. If I could stop this things would look rosier.

I got what I thought was a nastygram in the mail Saturday and refused to open it. Opened it this morning and it was a nothingburger. Annoying, but not the end of the world as I imagined.

Point is, I think things will be better than you imagine. Often we picture the worst and then it turns out to be not so bad. I think it is a way of bracing ourselves for the unknown. Or, a way to manufacture adrenaline to keep us going. Something like that. Could be PMS, as well. Is there something you can take to alleviate symptoms during this stressful time?

There is a type of guy who seems able to leave his partner and/or kids without a look back. (I say "guy" because I think it is much harder for most women to do the same.) And I think it is that "not looking back" which is the most cruel part of the experience for the person who is left.

As if 10, 20, 30 years vanished, got wiped out. That's what makes your heart hurt the most, I believe. I am so sorry you have to experience this lie about the past because it is awful and it is is terribly unfair. I hope you can find someone you are willing to talk to about all this, in part so you can know your own strengths and never stop believing in yourself.

I hate uncertainty. Oh well. Nothing I can do about that, except I am a worrier.

DS and his BF went back up North yesterday. Can't say it wasn't too soon either! A week is OK, any longer I feel trapped and cramped! Mainly as with others here you can't just act as normal per se. (I wander around naked after a shower for example! Can't do that with people here!). Plus they spent most of their waking time downstairs. I didn't sit on the sofa for longer than an hour most days! It was like an internet cafe! I need some privacy occasionally and quiet alone time. Uni starts in 2 weeks....

Got up at 5 today so DD and I could take DS's stuff back to his uni room. 8 hour round trip! Along very boring roads. The drive is bearable if the traffic is light, which on the way there was fine. Nice drive, clear roads (apart from the rain creeping in sometimes!). Coming back? Oh boy. Traffic, rain, darkness descending, annoying drivers who think they own the road. But it has to be done. Not that STBX would offer. Although his car is too small to fit all the uni stuff in, he didn't even offer to go halves on petrol. He didn't even make the effort to see DS again before he went back. DS won't be back until Xmas, unless STBX and his OW/GF decide to go up north to visit him. They'd probably make a nice weekend of it.
All in all an expensive weekend for me and a cheap one for STBX. Same disposable income my arse.

Form E filling-in tomorrow. Not exactly thrilled about it as it looks so confusing and has to be right, but it has to be done. Hopefully between my Dad, my Sis and myself, we can work it out!

My car is worrying me. MOT is due in Jan and I know it'll need work, which could cost well over £1k. I really need a new one but don't have the money. In a nutshell I either fix what I've got or I am screwed. So, in a nutshell I can't NOT fix it really. I need a car for work. I also need to minimise the time I'm without a car as I know it'll take at least a couple of days to sort out. One job I can walk/cycle to, the other definitely I need the car. The school one will cause problems as I can't just take a few days off when required like the evening one, so will need to have it done over the Xmas hols. Joy. Happy Xmas to me!

MrsPawsitive - It's like those 23 yrs (in total) didn't matter. We don't even talk, not even by text. It's all matter-of-fact emails.

I have my initial phone appointment with the therapy place on Tuesday. Not sure what they'll suggest ... I hope it's not phone counselling as that won't work for me. I hate talking on the phone at the best of times but I just think it's a waste of time. For me counselling needs to be face to face. How can they read you if they can't see you? Surely your face is 50% of the emotion when talking, if not more?

You know these incidental costs you sometimes mentions that he doesn't even think of - petrol for DS returning to uni, I think you said haircuts. even car repairs (your car is older than his isn't it?)? I would just keep a list - amount and what it was for - then if anyone ever says "What extra costs?" you can reel them off.

Don't know what to suggest about the rest though - I don't know much about counselling or cars. However, if you do want your car repaired over the Christmas holiday I would check beforehand which garages will be open and get it booked in quite early. If you can't get it done then, could you take a couple of days' holiday whilst it is done?

Looking back over those 23 years, did STBX start out as the right guy for you and then gradually changed?

I agree with the value of seeing the counsellor in person.

I think it helps if you know what outcome you would like to see for yourself. What changes do you want to see?

You have every right to seek what you need. This is you standing up for you. There is a wonderful scene in the film "A Woman Under the Influence" when Gena Rowland's character asks, "Dad, will you stand up for me?" And her father doesn't understand the question. A lot of us have wondered at some point, who stands up for us? It's hard but sometimes you have to stop asking and start insisting: You standing up for you.

Oh I am keeping all my receipts, and I actually keep a spreadsheet - with my limited knowledge of excel! - with all my running costs and listing the cost/shop name/what for/date. I also keep a book with less information but it's handy for me to keep a running total of my cash so I know what I have available for spending.

The car MOT - I will have to check with the guy who I use, he's very good (and honest!!) and will always try to fit my car in. I think I'll just need to bite the bullet and fix it. It's worth more to me running than scrap. I may ring him when I know my working dates at the new place, to see if he'll do an MOT in October. Better weather for walking home from the evening job (I may cycle, quicker!) and hopefully I'll get the half term off so I don't have to worry about work at the new place. He does work Xmas week I think (well, New Year week) but it's something to check.

Just another thing to add to my growing list!

Form E was tackled today, with quite a bit to fill in. Oh boy! We deciphered some of it, left figures off until the end of the week when bills have gone out and it looks less healthy (yes I am cheating there!), and other stuff that I want to meet my SOL for an appointment to go through and add comments. It's all in the wording I feel. She'll know the best way to put it. I will be going into the bank at the end of the week to see about bank statements. I need about 5 accounts worth so I feel it's better face to face rather than try to figure it out online or by phone/webchat.

I've been meaning to ask, did you ever get a useful talk with a therapist or did that not pan out?

Your ability to organize practical matters is quite impressive, you know. Hope all goes well with your automobile. An honest mechanic is golden!

MrsPawsitive - I had the initial phone consultation the other day and I will be referred for high intensive therapy (I think that's what she said, answer phone message was muffled!) and they will keep me updated as the waiting list is about 3/4 months. I really have no idea what to expect as for me it's going into the unknown. I did make it clear I wasn't open to group therapy and phone therapy. Both those scare the crap outta me! I hate social situations and answering the phone!

If something is important and needs doing I will actually do it, but if it can be put off I dither.
I will have to sort out the car nearer mid-Oct as doing it too soon will just confuse everything else I have to do. Plus the mechanic doesn't usually book work too far in advance. Oh yeah, the guy we've used for yrs (my BIL used him before us and gave us his details) is excellent and will be totally honest and will go above & beyond to fix something (safely and right) without breaking the bank.

Managed to find a plumber, a lady at work gave me a name/number last night of someone she's used. I phoned him this morning, he popped round after another job, diagnosed the problem and is coming back to fix it tomorrow morning! All for a reasonable cost. Lets hope fixing it is as easy as diagnosing it! The whole water system needs shutting off and the tank drained. Oh goody!
Did I mention he's quite lovely?! Lovely blue eyes..... but I digress!

STBX hasn't replied to my email I sent Tues afternoon about not only the plumber/leaky toilet (going halves on cost) but about taking DD to one of her Uni open days next weekend. I don't need a long reply, just that's he's read and acknowledged it.

Also booked an eye test for a couple of weeks time. I already wear glasses for reading and I feel it's getting worse... hopefully I'm wrong though as I really don't like wearing glasses!

Plumbers been, toilet fixed. (well, after much use at the weekend no doubt we'll find out for sure I guess!). I have emailed STBX to tell him and ask for half the payment. I still haven't had replies to either of my previous 2 emails.

I would have actually let the payment slide a couple of months ago, but since his attitude about having the same 'disposable income' I'm thinking why should I cough up the whole amount to fix it?

He has yet to answer me about taking DD to one of her open days or even coughing up for shared costs when I take her. I will keep emailing at intervals asking for payment/costs. if he thinks I'll forget he's got another thing coming.
I will tell DD to ask STBX about the open day and see what he says. He can tell her no (by text or FB messenger obviously).
Quite why he is acting like a total pr*ck with communication is beyond me. I haven't asked for anything unreasonable. Although he has always had this kind of attitude. I would reply within a short period of time whereas he'd wait a few hours...... or until he got home. Now he's not here he can take as long as he likes I guess, and knows there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Start the new job on Monday. Eek. I got the call last night that all the paperwork was in order and she asked when I wanted to start so I picked Monday. Oh boy!
Although I think this one will be better with the training side! I've been told what to do when I get there Monday and who I'll be seeing, whereas for L's I was just told to turn up. Didn't have a clue.
I've got my police check back this morning as well, so I can take that with me. Perfect timing!

Good luck for Monday then Over - I think you are right to start asap as it gives you less time to fret over it. Once the first couple of days are over then it seems easier.

Good idea to keep bringing these extra costs to his attention - even if he doesn't answer - you have written evidence not only of the costs themselves, but of his indifference. If he doesn't reply, might it be worth using email to chase him up, thus highlighting that he hasn't responded?

Fretting isn't the word I'd use right now! I do think it will be better than my previous attempt at a new job though. These people seem to be organised!

I know I will be terrible for the first few weeks, over thinking everything and worrying about asking questions. But I am hoping I can get over that as I did with the evening job. I also need to sort my sleep out and actually go to be earlier (than I do now!) on my evenings off.

Trouble is, with STBX, I can keep bringing costs to his attention but when he ignores me it makes me feel like crap. He's always had that affect on me. I've been using email all along. It's the only way we communicate - I use that term loosely. He just ignores it.

Plus if he doesn't do anything about paying his share of the costs I'm the one paying - again - and I'm just getting concerned at it all building up. This 'equal disposable income' is a load of bull.

I can save all I like but then I have to spend it again just as quick on the SOL or other expenses like this, it's not a cash cushion so to speak. If this was all over I could budget properly and not worry so much, but I just know that the SOL will keep adding up and that's my issue. Without SOL costs I can make things work. He isn't playing ball with costs and won't. He has OW/GF in his ear now.

I'm also stewing inside about his Form E. I'm dreading what he's written as it will affect the outcome, without 70% of the equity things will be very tough. I haven't finished mine yet and won't until I have proof he's sent his. I don't need to see it for that either, it won't be tit for tat, I just won't rush things until I know it needs to be done. I have other things to worry about the next few weeks. Like Uni open days, DD's Dr's appointment tomorrow, new job etc...