Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

I think betrayal from those who know you best is the worst. I've dealt with that, a family dispute. It's a shock, how low people who used to be close to you will stoop. Later you look back and think, should have seen that coming. But at the time it hurts a lot. You never forget, either. Eventually you stop thinking about it for your mental well-being. You move on. It takes awhile.

STBX has emailed this morning asking for me to supply the details he previously asked for. I have given them to him mainly as I can't be arsed to stall any longer.
I have also had to change the DD details for my credit card payment. I have no choice as it's in my name and on a promotional rate, which is not paid reverts back to an unhealthy % rate.

STBX seems to think I'm rolling in money. On paper yes, but if anything goes tits up with my car or the house needs work, I will need that money. Before we had to use credit cards for stuff like that as spare cash wasn't there, I'm trying to be responsible. I have explained that to him.

I also have to give the therapy people a ring. I was hoping they'd send a letter like last time for the initial assessment but nope, need to use the phone! I hate using the phone. I have to psyche myself up for it. And write notes. I will ring them tomorrow afternoon.

DD, DS and probably his BF will be seeing STBX. No idea whether they will be introduced to GF/OW but given she has to be there (as she's driving him after his little op) there's no reason they won't meet her.
Even though STBX hasn't had the decency to tell me she exists yet.

Oh well, STBX has emailed me back, as I emailed him about paying half for DD's college bus pass for the next year. His reply? We could have put it on the credit card! oh dear. Seriously? That's why we accrued the debt you idiot.
I pointed out that we both knew it would be required before Sept, it's something we've done for 3 yrs running so far (first DS, now DD) so he can't say he wasn't expecting it. He has said he can't pay half as sadly he doesn't have that amount of spare cash.....

I've replied telling him that I know he thinks I've been saving pots of cash to spend willy nilly, but in reality I knew this was coming so was saving my disposable income to cover it. If I hadn't then putting it on the CC would not have been the answer and I told him I wouldn't have agreed to that.

I bet he's paying his fair share of dates with OW though. (meow!!)

Well done for your comments to your stbx about not putting everything on the credit card. Every time he says something stupid like that say "That's how we built up the debt, you fool!" Every. Single. Time. See how long it takes before it sinks in!

Thanks also for solicitor advice. I'm going to contact another one.

Can't believe that was his response tbh! I mean, I said from the start why rush things as it will cost money that we both haven't got, but nope, he wanted it his way. I wanted to sort out our own finances (separately) so we would both know where we stood and could go forward having a plan. But no, he wanted what he wanted.

No probs, hope you find one you feel more comfortable with.

Isn't this process lovely.

Bloody hell!! Just phoned another solicitor - £215 per hour! May have to keep looking...

Sadly yeah, they are costly! That's why I do most of my correspondence bu email, it still costs but not as much as a meeting. Most do an introductory offer though.

You are the designated responsible parent and he sees himself as one of the kids ...

Possibly. Or he sees the kids as old enough to look after themselves - and they are I suppose - and the marriage over so is just starting his new life.
Trouble is you can't just walk away that easily after 20 yrs, well I can't, he obviously can. And I don't mean I want it/him back, I don't, it's just intertwined and there's stuff to sort out more than financial, I mean, we still have the house full of stuff to sort out, including the garage full of tools. Even if I stay he has to come over to look through everything.
He's been emotionally uninvested for a long time it seems whereas I'm catching up.

After receiving a payslip from L's yesterday, paying the full wage!, I had to ring them and they weren't aware I'd even left the company!! They then obviously rang the lady (area manager type thing), who interviewed me, and she rang today to speak to me. She asked me when I left, I told her I gave the deputy manager a letter and my uniform, which he should have forwarded to her and he never did it. He went on holiday apparently. Although he was there the day after I left when I dropped the resignation and uniform in, but obviously couldn't be bothered to do anything about it. NO wonder the shop is a mess!

She asked why I didn't want the job and I tried to be diplomatic and just said it wasn't the right fit, the training wasn't structured and it was a mess really. The people were very nice but I just wasn't comfortable. They didn't have a cleaner, which for a food shop, is disgusting! They should have got an agency cleaner in until they found someone permanent, you don't just rely on other staff to do it.
She asked if there was anything they could do to change my mind and I said no, she asked if I had another job so I just said yeah I start in 2 weeks (which is true, but there's no date for starting yet!).

Very disorganised company, and as for the (deputy) manager, what a waste of space! Yes he might be busy as all managers are - although when I was there, he'd been at work for about 2 hrs and he then stopped to have a buttered roll and drink, disappeared into the office and didn't seem to do a lot! But to me there's no excuse. An employee resigns and you do something about it!

I suspect you have always been a better organized person than him and STBX counted on that.

"Being one of the kids" in a psychological sense. Narcissism is one of the causes of the mid-life crisis, in my observation.

You must be glad you didn't take the job that had poor management? You spotted the chaos and said no thanks. Good on you!

I am the better organised person yeah! Haha! You're on fire!
I like lists and if something needs doing I want to get it done not hang around.

Oh I see. Well, yeah. Not sure about a mid life crisis but more that he's wanted out since we had our DD 17 yrs ago.... just didn't have the guts to do it until someone turned his head. He can start again with the life he wishes he'd had instead of with me.

Well yes I am glad now!! I mean, I can't believe that no one had done anything about me leaving! I even got an email today about the Rewards website they have! I mean, really. I don't work for you!!!

You may find yourself weighing back and forth when faced with choices but then when you do make a decision, I bet you you stick with it. That's what a good organizer does. They weigh the possibilities carefully, then they decide and then they stick with it. And you get better and better at this as your confidence in your choices grows.

STBX may very well have checked out some time ago, which is sad, of course. How frustrating that is when a partner does that. That would really bother me. I'm very sensitive to tone, to when someone isn't really listening. Is that the kind of checking out you mean?

I could tell STBX used to get 'angry' with me. Or I'd say something and he'd kinda show his distaste. Not eye rolling but as good as without using his eyes. But yeah he checked out long ago looking back on it. I had started to watch what I was saying and doing as I knew it would piss him off. I just thought it was work related.... well, apparently it was! just not the work I thought it was.

Apparently they're all going bowling later. I just thought they were meeting outside the bowling place (as it's in amongst the retail park site) then going for coffee but nope, bowling it is. So I suppose the kids will be meeting GF/OW, as I can't see her wanting to go and wander aimlessly round the shops for an hour or 2. Even though STBX hasn't even told me about her yet he's introducing her. Wow, do I not even get an ounce of respect as a human being??

I know people won't understand this, but I will be distancing myself from now on. I won't be getting sucked into this new big happy family. The kids will have their own lives soon enough (well, DS does now really) so it won't be an issue. I can get on with mine. Them going to live/stay with STBX and GF/OW after the divorce/financial stuff will be a good solution. It will make things easier.

I have a phone assessment with someone on Tuesday, last time I had an actual appointment at the Drs. I hate talking on the phone so this will be awful. I will make notes and I have to fill in a form they sent so we can go through it.

Had another bill from the SOL this morning. Wow. it builds up.

Note to self: don't send anything that doesn't need official attention! I have to be more careful as even sending an email TO her (just for her files) costs money! To me, it should be cheaper as it's not even needing a reply! but oh well.
I need to make more decisions and only consult when extremely necessary.

I used to say to STBX about going bowling, even just one game, on a Sunday when it's cheaper, but nooooo.... smh.

I know people won't understand this, but I will be distancing myself from now on. I won't be getting sucked into this new big happy family.

Nobody in their right mind would expect you to. Your kids don't have to have access arranged by you - there is no reason to even have any contact once the divorce is finalised. You seem to think that they are all going to go on and form one big happy family, leaving you out and alone. It won't happen. Your children will have their own lives and will only seen their father and YOW occasionally. They might like her in a casual sort of way, like a friend, but she will be no big deal to them, and if their father tries to force the issue, he will just turn them off. I imagine this bowling occasion as being a bit awkward TBH - if I were you, I would be grateful I wasn't there.

Remember, your Ex is taking into his new relationship the same personality (faults and all) that he had in your relationship. He won't be a new person. You are very hard on what you consider to be your faults, but everyone has faults - YOW will have her faults, different from yours, but faults none the less. The gloss will soon wear off this relationship too, especially if she wants children (if she is that age) I can see that causing tensions.

Don't worry about what will probably not happen. Put your energies into getting the best possible deal for yourself and separating your life from him. His life should not concern you.

As for the solicitor, I know they are expensive but up to a point I would consider money spent in that direction now as an investment.

Yep, I see that side of it. My brain sees my side though. This is why I need the therapy, to sort my brain out so I can live my life MY way and actually enjoy it. Not worrying about others. I want to think the way others do in that respect. Right now I am not.

I also have trouble seeing STBX as the same person. Yes no doubt he has those faults he left with, but he has obviously charmed her and her friends. He's lost weight. He's obviously doing things that when here were 'to much trouble' or 'too expensive'. Bowling for example i used to suggest as I said and he would always say no.
Depends how long they've been together as to the 'gloss' wearing off..... and they must have talked about kids if they have decided to live together. But yeah, I see your point there.

I just want this all to be over. I guess while we're still going through this I can't separate my life in a way I would like, as he's still in it, crawling out of the woodwork with his smarmy emails. In a few days I should get the settlement offer from him or his SOL. That will be interesting.
The SOL is a worthwhile expense yeah but I need to be selective what I send her so I don't use all my money on it. I will save the not-so-important stuff for when we have a meeting at some point.

I hope once I start my other job my thoughts will fill with other things. And the therapy stuff works.

Kait has it right. I couldn't say it better. This isn't going to be "happy families" for STBX. This: "Put your energies into getting the best possible deal for yourself."

It doesn't take much imagination to know how you must feel right now. I've even wondered if STBX was being obtuse or trying to wind you up for some reason? As they say, is it malice or just incompetence?

Probably the latter. There's a whole lot of "just not thinking" going on with him, I imagine.

However, therapy can help you identify your own patterns of thinking and reacting, or scripts. Which things push your buttons? How do you react?

Do you react in the way you like or do you want to change how you react?

"Scripts" are like programs of thought we form starting early in life when encountering stressors. Therapy can shed daylight on these patterns of thought. It can offer new patterns of thought you can apply.

And that leads to you being in control of your reactions, which feels great.

None of this will take away the pain of feeling "dissed" as the kids say. But it does help you to process the hurt and move on to a more positive place.

Less pain, more gain. It's worth it, believe me.

I'm gathering information for a friend here who is likely going to go through a contested divorce (going to court), and trying to get an estimate on the overall costs of using an attorney (same as your solicitor, I believe.). I thought you might be interested to hear some numbers for compare. (I'd convert to your currency if I had more time.)

Divorce attorneys here earn on average $250 an hour. The average cost of a contested divorce is $13000. That goes higher if there are complicating factors such as children, alimony, or property division. Then the costs approach $18000. (That's a lot of money. The latter could put a kid through a state college.)

To lower costs, mediation is encouraged in order to settle out of court. Maintenance, also called alimony, could be resolved during mediation. The higher earning partner can agree to pay a set portion of money for a few years while the lower earner gets on their feet.

I get the impression another reason people go through mediation is because court will involve mud-slinging and if both parties would rather avoid that, mediation will seem like the best solution.

The cheapest route would be to go live in Nevada for 6 weeks, thereby establishing residency, and then file for an uncontested divorce. Cost: a mere $250.

MrsPawsitive - I think STBX has a mixture of being obtuse and doing it deliberately going on right now tbh. He doesn't give a toss about how I feel now. It's all about GF/OW. The divorce is in process and that's it for him.

To be honest I have no idea whether I'll be receptive to therapy, but I will try. I'm a creature of habit. Can't imagine not feeling/thinking this way as it's been too long.

Why do things arrive at the weekend? When offices are closed?

HMRC have changed my evening job tax code as I am still an employee (according to them as they don't know any different) of L's. - (Having 2 jobs means they split the tax allowance(. Therefore they are mucking up not only my tax but my tax credits. I will be phoning L's up again on Monday to check it's all going through and find out the date on my P45 and when I'll get it. Pointing out to them that my tax for my other job is screwed up until they sort their mess out! Why is it so difficult? I could do a better job and I've never had any training.
All this because a (deputy) manager couldn't be arsed to do a simple job of forward my letter of resignation before he went on holiday.

I really want to get it sorted before the Sept wage for the evening job (if I'm not due to get taxed on it) and also before I start the 2nd morning job. It needs to be right! I don't want to lose more money than necessary with them all thinking I have 3 jobs. And the tax credits are wrong now too! Argh. Bloody L's are making this so much more complicated than it needs to be.

Plus the council tax need more proof that DS is still at Uni. Well, that's my theory so I'm hoping I'm correct otherwise the next 6 months worth of payments are going up!