Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

I've taken a long walk this evening and eaten some dinner (skipped it yesterday after another long walk as I really wasn't hungry). I have re-evaluated my timings. As yet I don't know what offer STBX is going to give in his final settlement, I will wait and see before making my final decision and showing my cards (so to speak). I don't want to put my cards on the table until I see his. That would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.
I still think my 2 options are the only ones but won't go further yet ...

That sounds wise. I love that saying, "act in haste, repent at leisure", LOL. I've never found anything gained by hurrying.

True. I've been in a very bad daze this weekend. I need to calm a bit.

I can't imagine you should have to move until your daughter has finished her A levels.
Please talk to your solicitor and don't be hasty. I know how expensive it is, but it could still cost you a lot more to not see her.

I feel better today. I need to see what offer STBX puts out there. As I said, I will wait until that comes through. I don't want to move until DD is 18/finished college and going to Uni, only because it would give her stability and I could plan more for the future.
But I'm sure tomorrow I will feel differently, and the day after that it will all change. That seems to be my pattern right now.

I've read through your thread OP (but not the whole backstory) and you are indeed in an unenviable position. I was wondering all the way through, why your DD can't move in with her father, since he'll be better able to accommodate and pay for her. And it's not like she's a little kid, she'll be an adult soon and away at university. I think this sounds like a good idea.

Also, does she have a job? I had a part-time job (Saturday & Thursday evening) when I was her age as my parents refused to buy non-essential things like make-up and concert tickets. Her earning some of her own money would take the burden off you somewhat (likewise for your DS finding a job, although that seems to be a battleground).

As sad as it is, I think you should send the dog back to the breeder. He is a source of stress for you and a not insignificant bind when it comes to work and accommodation. If you do end up renting accommodation later on, having a dog will make it very difficult.

I also think you need to bite the bullet when it comes to up-skilling. You will have more employment options if you can use standard computer programmes - and it's not like you are 60, you are only 44! I agree that MS excel is super-boring and I disliked learning it myself, but it was a means to an end. Also, have you looked at some of the free online learning platforms (no face-to-face), such as Coursera and FutureLearn? No prior experience or qualifications are needed for many courses and they can help enhance your CV. www.coursera.org www.futurelearn.com

Just had a thought - one of the very helpful things excel is used for personal budgeting. There are loads of tutorials online which walk you through how to set up a personal budget using excel - why don't you give this a go?

You'll have the advantage of getting to know the program and it will also be useful to track your own finances too (it does the calculations automatically without you needing to spend ages with a calculator).

There will no reason why DD can't stay with STBX - if she wants to, I won't make her if she'd rather not. STBX has plans to move in with his piece of fluff at some point which could throw a spanner in the work if DD did decide to go there.

I've been asking (and telling) DD to get a job but as yet that hasn't happened. I'm not holding my breathe. We had this battle with DS as well which went nowhere. DD says she wants a job and knows money would help cover her personal items but given she'll be going to Uni (hopefully) next yr it doesn't bode well. She and DS will get the full grant so won't need a job.....

I really don't want to send him back, that's the issue I'm struggling with. I don't want to do it then regret it. BUT on the other hand I do think it would be better for both of us (me and the dog). It's one of the 'rockhard place' situations. We shall take time over that decision. Once I know what I'm doing house wise I can make a more informed decision.

Up-skilling is something that frequently enters my mind. Doing e-learning sounds easy but at the moment I am easily distracted and bored very quickly. Plus I think actually going to a class would make more sense as if I don't understand something online I just move on, I don't delve deeper. I'd probably give up. I need to commit completely.

I have self referred to the local NHS psychological therapies place again. This time I need to see it through and not get uptight and anxious before the appointment.

I have been checking out Form E - for what seems like the 10th time! and it's as clear as mud for some questions.

On paper things will look rosy for me. While for STBX they probably won't. Mainly as he's had to pay 2 lots of outgoings but also because he can't budget and I can (he had to borrow from the joint acct and admitted he'd made a calculation mistake...). And I have been saving for various reasons. They won't take into account WHY I've been saving though I feel. Although saying that things do balance out when you take into account the valuations of the cars/motorbike vs my savings.

STBX has told DD that he and piece of fluff will be looking to move in together at some point. I noticed the question on Form E is only covering 'if in the next 6 months you intend to live together'..... yep, he will wait until that 6 months is over.

Do you plan on paying child maintenance to your STBXH should he become the resident parent to DD?

You sound more rested today! And maybe a little more optimistic?
Is there any way to put off the decision about the dog until you have a better idea of where you will live? Would you continue to be able to take him for walks? It sounds like you would really miss him and that he is good company. Maybe giving him up can be a last resort type of situation?

I'm envious... you can actually self-refer to therapy? You don't have to run the gauntlet of insurance first? The way they do it here is "step therapy" as a way to corner costs (they don't call it that, but that is what it is). First they give you the absolute bottom of the barrel of care. Then if that doesn't work, then and only then they kick you up a step to a better quality of care.

And that's if you are persistent. (Which is challenging to pull off when you are depressed.) I suspect your system is vastly more humane on every level. I'm glad that you took this step.

BadHatter - not a chance in hell. Yes that might sound like double standards and probably is. Before tax/NI, I will be earning just over £14500 while he will be earning around £53k'ish, possibly more if he does O/T gets a bonus. Not to mention if he moves in with OW they'll have a combined income of £70k+.

Once DD is 18 next yr, child maintenance is a moot point as it won't be payable - for either of us.

There is no way he'd pay me child maintenance before that anyway. If he does pay anything he'd pay it directly to DD. If DD did live with him and I did pay anything I'd also want to pay DD directly also.

This divorce is a clean break to start his new life with OW and he won't want maintenance payments clouding it.

my previous comment/paragraph is so disjointed and the grammar is terrible! Sorry.

MrsPawsitive - I need to hear from my SOL, fill out all the Form E stuff and exchange that, see what STBX is offering and will go from there. I am an impatient person once I know something will be happening and I want it all done now. It's very trying.

Yes you can self refer here. Only for certain things and I haven't really used the service yet so can't comment how good it is. Hopefully it's very good. As I need it. I just have to get past my issues to go through with it. Which is ironic as my issues are why I'm going in the first place......

I'm confused now, op.

If you are earning approx £14k and he is earning £53k the courts will be looking to make sure that both parties will end up with 50:50 more or less. They won't leave you with so much less income than him, unless the income is being offset against capital i.e. the house.

I know you have been through this before, and I know you've mentioned debts before, but this just isn't fair on you. Surely your solicitor has had something positive to say about it all?

I don't earn £14k - yet, I hopefully will start the other (2nd) job in the next few weeks.

I think the house plays a part yes. It's our biggest asset. He wants to sell so we can pay the debts and start fresh. All good in theory, reality will be different. My SOL reckons it will be a 70:30 split to me, which sounds a lot (and is I guess) but taking off the debts and mortgage leave a big dent. If I could buy him out and get a very long mortgage I would, just not sure of the calculations at this point, or if he'd even agree to them. I don't have his settlement offer yet.

Once divorced I don't want any money from him, at all, (if I can) I just want to make sure I am earning enough to fund a nice place to live that has space for DD (and DS if needed) plus a dog. That is my biggest concern right now and one that as my head spinning. If he wants to pay DD any money, then that's great.

There are many options and factors and knowing which one to take is confusing. I want to make the right decision. I'm also very aware that DD and DS may need to move back home after Uni, I mean, it's not easy to walk into a job and afford a place to live straight away. I don't want them wondering (or worrying) about where to go, life is difficult enough. I just hope STBX has also thought of that. One of us needs a big enough place to offer them if needed.

My SOL wants to advise me at each step, and hasn't had much co-operation from STBX, so can't give me too much information. We've had talks about different scenarios but until STBX gives us his facts and figures we can't make any decisions. Hopefully in the next few weeks we can.

Luckily I'm not a spender as such, I just want to be comfortable.

Cambionome haha! You're confused! I've been confused for months... each time I think I'm clear on something it changes and I have to start again. STBX has played cards very close to his chest so what he thinks is fair might not be my or my SOL's idea. I don't want to live in a dump. I know I have to stand on my own 2 feet - and WANT to - getting there is tough though!

I am in a similar situation to you in that stbx and I have (just) agreed to separate. I have seen a solicitor and thought carefully about what I want from a settlement (solicitor has warned me that I may not get it!) and I'm starting from there. If he doesn't want me to have what I want, he's going to have to offer me something else in return, iyswim.

I don't want to be grabby, but I'm not going to roll over without a fight. I understand that you don't want to take money from him, but you shouldn't have to go through all this worry and stress because of his decisions.

Do you know if STBX has actually hired a solicitor? Have you or your solicitor ever received anything from STBX's solicitor?

Perhaps STBX was hoping he could get you to agree to things his way so that he wouldn't have to pay for a solicitor. (Hence his continuing to e-mail you rather than to your solicitor.) Or perhaps he is playing a war of attrition, dragging his feet so you mount up costs? Two can play that game. You can take your time, too, and meanwhile get your bearings, live in the house.

The unknown may be aggravating and you may wish he would hurry it up but I think he is bluffing, making you imagine this will go on forever until you feel like you must make concessions just to get it over.

Absolutely you shouldn't have to have all this worry and stress because of him. I think you have to insist that further communication has to be through your solicitor. He can't have any more fishing trips where he tries to figure out what your legal strategy is going to be at no cost to him. Which is what it looks like he is doing.

As far as mounting costs go, you can tell your solicitor to inform you when something of moment actually arrives from STBX. Don't let STBX bully you into doing things his way. As I say, I think this foot dragging on his part is total bluff. I know it is wearing your nerves but then that's exactly why he thinks his strategy will work. Put up your shield and tune him out.

Sorry to hear that Cambionome.

I admit my failings in the marriage but now just want to move on without losing too much else.

Hopefully your STBX will be reasonable, but I thought mine would and look at how this has turned out! He won't even communicate with me properly. (which actually is nothing new now I think about it!).

You can only ask for what you want to ask for and go from there. Make sure you're comfortable with your SOL and if you feel they're not working for you change them. I originally saw one and while she was nice I didn't feel she'd fight for me. This one now was a recommendation.

Having a SOL who is fighting for you makes a tremendous difference. You sound so much stronger now.

Hmm - you make a good point about the solicitor, over. She seemed competent but I didn't really feel that she would fight for me... I might try a different one and see how I get on.

MrsPawsitive - STBX has given us a SOL name/address but as yet neither my SOL or myself have received any official letters from them. I think he's doing it on an ad-hoc basis. Purely to keep costs down. He fills in the forms and then gets his 'SOL' to check them for a small fee.

He's doing this to control things yes. He calls the shots and he thinks I will agree, as usual. I am an indecisive person by nature if I'm not sure of something. Think of ordering in a restaurant, I'll go back and forth between 2/3 options then choose 1 purely because I run out of time and it has to be ordered because everyone else is ready. Probably a bad analogy but there you go!

His A4 sheet of unreasonable behaviours, which included things that I had explained to him, why I acted the way I did, and yet he still used them against me. One was not having a job for most of our married life. It's not as simple as not getting one. Other things, which he knows about, played a factor. My mental health for one. Yet he's used that against me.
He must have known some of it would hurt but again, I didn't see it beforehand, it just arrived. Even my SOL agreed he had put rather a lot down that didn't need to be there, the details etc. For example, the judge doesn't give a crap that I don't like being around sick people! (although my STBX knew as I'd explained it, yet still used it....)

It seems very easy for him. I'm trying to catch up!

Please don't forget pensions. I would also look at what the debts were for i.e. for a car he is taking then debt goes with it in my view

Cambionome SOLs: You can't tell until you see someone else tbh. The 1st one I saw seemed OK until I saw the (2nd) recommended one, she was leagues better. Obviously it could all go tits up and I may have been wrong all along, but you can only go on your gut instinct. Ask friends/family/acquaintances etc... sadly divorce is so common now, someone you know must have used a SOL!
'Fight' may be the wrong word, but it's the closest I can think of! You want someone who knows what they're talking about (confidently), suggests other options, sees your POV, doesn't try to push you in one direction but gives you ideas to think about and what they think could work best, things like that. No harm in seeing someone else, can always go back to the other one you've used.

RB68 - Pensions are on the table yes, his isn't worth much now though as we haven't had the money to put away and he hasn't had a work place one for a long time. Not sure it'll help much. I want to put away money for my own. Even £20 a month would be something, rather than the £1 token payment we do now!
The debt was built up by both spending on it. Although we did take money from the mortgage which bought his motorbike when we did the house improvements (new windows and rebuilt the wall in the garden).