Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

I always feel like I should be something/someone I'm not.
I really feel guilty that DD doesn't do more and feel I haven't done enough to encourage her.
She will now see what her dad is doing and having fun, whereas I'm sitting here looking around the internet. I am a home body. I like the idea of doing things but money and confidence are a factor of not making them a reality. That's my fault. But really I just don't want to do things. It's frustrating.
I wish I was different.

I have often felt guilty about my dc not doing more. Everyone else's dc seem to be competing at national level in some sport or other whilst at the same time getting a first from Oxford. Mine seemed to have got stuck for years at the stage where they played on the Xbox and left piles of dirty washing everywhere...

Don't compare, don't blame yourself, and try not to worry too much (impossible not to worry at all about dc, I know). You've done your best, and you are still doing your best now - unlike your stbx.

My dc are doing ok now (fingers crossed!) and yours will too.

OP I immediately froze all the joint accounts and assets as soon as my husband moved out.
That prevents him taking anything that hasn't been agreed. Have you spoken to a solicitor yet, I'm sure you could get around 80% or even stay in the home.
Don't let him talk you out of it, he is leaving you after all. You should get all you are entitled to.

Someone once told me, "You won't feel good about the steps you have to take until after you start taking them." You may be waiting for it to feel "right" about seeing someone for help.

But that may not happen. You may have to just take that first step whether it feels right to do so or not. If you don't like the first person you talk to, find another. It is worth it.

It may be that you enjoyed the job of being a mother more than anything. When the kids start to grow up it almost feels like you've been laid off. Right now their focus is not on you but on finding themselves.
That makes this a wonderful time for you to rediscover yourself.

All the normal loss that arrives with kids growing up has been amplified by STBX regressing in narcissistic fashion. That won't last but that's not your problem.

There are practical things you have to do now. Maybe it's true that STBX checked out a long time ago but legally you are still married and that means you have rights. Make sure you get what is yours. He doesn't have the power to take from you what is yours unless you let him... and you don't want to do that.

You are a giving, generous person by nature and you are dealing with a taker. He actually believes you have to give. No, no you do not.

I think counselling could be extremely valuable to you, OP. At the very least in identifying why some aspects of your personality/life are as they are and giving you strength to decide whether they are something you want to change.

I'm a people pleaser, to my own detriment. Counselling (about something else) led me to explore that and to realise that actually, it's okay to put myself first sometimes.

My dd deserves better. My moods are erratic and today I nearly kept walking. I can't stop thinking about things incl STBX with his GF. He will get to play happy families in a new home. They will love every minute of it. DS has already left home, rarely visits or texts. (neither do I, usually for me it's out of sight out of mind). When DD goes to uni, most likely the one DS does as she loved it, then it will be the same thing. At that point it would be best if they lived with their dad. They can have a stable life.

I have never liked feeling 'left out'. Now when the kids see their Dad it will be with his GF and again I'll be left out. and I won't like it. Or like hearing about it. Cutting myself off may seem a pathetic thing to do but in the long run it will be the best thing.
Counselling won't help. I can't change. I have good moods and bad moods. That is me. No amount of talking will help.
I will spend the rest of my life on my own, all my own doing and I don't want that. I can't live like that. I will make decisions once DD is at uni. I think about things every day and when I'm in a mood like now I google things. They never help or tell me what to do or how to do it (why does the samaritans have to come up every bloody time?) so I don't know why I do it. I am trapped in my own life and want to get out.
I'm sick of pretending that most of the time it's OK. No it's bloody not.
Why does STBX get to have his life and I get the kids and dog? He got to leave. I can't. But I want to.

This the problem. This is why my marriage ended. I can try to blame STBX and god knows he's not perfect, but ultimately I ended it. So many 'what if' situations I can't stop thinking about. I have so many issues I needed to write a list for the Dr when I went last yr. You see? I come across as nice but I'm not.

Then when we went to see my Dad today, he has put photos up, a lot of photos, many of which include STBX and for some reason he even put up the wedding photo. ??? I wasn't in the mood anyway but really? Even including pics from my Sis's wedding with the 4 of us. Why? I'm sure there's one of just the 2 of them he could get done. I couldn't stay. STBX face looking at me from every angle. I cried in the toilet for 5 mins. Stood in the kitchen for 15 mins while DD talked to him then left. Silence on the drive home, my doing, and then when we got back I needed to be on my own. So I just left. 2 hrs later I came back, but I didn't want to. I could have kept walking.

irritateduser
The thread goes back nearly 8 months.
Be best if you read the full thread then advise.

I know what I'm doing but don't know how to stop it.

This thread just goes round in circles. I keep saying the same thing. I don't take advice that is given.

Actually I know your Dad is lovely but in this instance I think he has been a bit insensitive. Could you not ask him to not have as many photos with STBX in them? Surely he must be able to empathise.

I am like you in that I don't do much outside of the house - I love not to have to go out on certain days, whereas I hear other people say that they get cabin fever if they don't get out every day. I don't go away on holiday - it's no fun alone and I'm not bothered about it anyway. Also I don't really know how people afford it! I suppose I'm just lazy - but it's how I am now. I refuse to feel guilty about it.

I was surprised when I walked into my Dads place. So many photos. Which is obviously his house and right, but at that moment (and going forward) I don't need to be reminded STBX exists. Trouble is a lot of the pics have my mum in, who passed away in 2012, so it's tricky.

I have good days when I could do things but can't figure out where to go/what to do, but days like today I really just want to walk away. There are very rare days that I'm happy and content. I am a home body but feel guilty for staying in so much. A lot of the problem is I don't have friends.

How do you share your kids with someone else? If STBX and his GF (OW) move in together, she'll be classed as their stepmum. How do people handle that? What if the kids like her more? given my moods I could understand it.
If they stay together, get married, then my kids have kids, she'll be called nan/gran. That's not her right. How do you get past that?? I don't think I can.
All these things keep going round in my head, even though they haven't happened yet....

That's a shame about your Dad putting up those pictures. Why do you think he did that? Is he a very sentimental person normally?

Depression can be serious. People, including myself, are encouraging you to talk to someone so you can break through the "thinking in circles". That's depression at work. Most people who advise talking to someone do so because they've been there, they know what it is like to have the mind cycling around in an endless loop.

You are right, you do need to create boundaries, you do need to set expectations, and you do want to be fair to yourself as much as to others. It's much easier to do that with the help of someone who has the tools you need.

Sometimes we need human contact, the reassurance of talking to a real actual person who knows how to help. I don't know what your resources are there, but I know from reading these forums that there are resources where you are, probably much, much better than what we have here.

My Dad has got more sentimental since Mum died (or is showing it more). I can understand him wanting the pics up. Although not the wedding ones. But having so many with STBX in them, nope, can't handle that. I want to try to move on and can't do that if I keep seeing his face.

I know I need to talk to someone, and on good days I think I could do it, but bad days like today, it feels like a lost cause. I don't like talking (face to face) about myself. I prefer to listen. The eyes not focussed on me. Doing this feels self absorbed enough tbh. Talking to a real person? I can't imagine how they can help. I've read through things online (like the CBT stuff?) and really can't see how that can help.
Plus I burnt my bridges I think with the free counselling service as I cancelled. I can't afford to pay.

You are imagining scenarios that may never occur. Right now your kids are interested in people their own age. At best right now they are probably trying to stay neutral between you and STBX. Kids that age see strong parental emotions as "Avoid". They are trying to navigate their own social lives and school and their own feelings about life.

When one of your DC do partner with someone someday you would be "sharing" them with your DC's partner's parents and family, regardless. If OW is still around a decade from now she will not be a primary person in your DC's lives, I guarantee it.

Our system here is absurd. I can't believe yours doesn't have more to offer. And if it's free then they can't turn you away, can they?

In any case, you wouldn't try to fix a broken leg yourself would you? Some things we can't fix by ourselves.

I understand your reluctance. I had panic attacks some years ago and the first counsellor I talked to kept looking at her watch. At our first meeting I'm sobbing my heart out when she abruptly stands up and says "Time for lunch!".

Somehow I maneuvered through our ridiculous system until I got an actual doctor. I wasn't his most exciting patient, either, but he was too well-trained not to help. I wasn't there for his entertainment or mine, I just wanted to know how to stop having panic attacks.
And he did listen and make comments that helped a great deal. I learned to recognize the things that triggered the attacks so I had more control.

It was the very process of seeking help that was the most help of all, I believe now. Regardless, I'm totally sure your counsellors are much better trained and empathetic!

Yep, I know. It's something I can't help though. I try to think of others things, do other things but something springs it back to the forefront.

Oh yeah, DC's partners family etc.. are one thing. I will be fine with that, I mean, DS is living with his BF's family up north now. This GF situation is different. I expected to have more time to get used to everything as well. I knew he wouldn't be single for long, but damn, it's not even a yr yet. (and god knows when they actually started dating.... jurys out on that one).

I'm also angry at all 3 - STBX, DS and DD. STBX started this process of deception and DS and DD are carrying it on. They know he hasn't told me and won't challenge him. I mean, if they were 'kid' kids I'd understand it, but DS - in particular - is nearly 20, and has strong opinions. DD could have told him she wasn't comfortable knowing I didn't know.
If STBX was dating he should have bloody told me. But as usual, he won't. And if they meet the GF (OW) next week when he comes over (as she's driving him) it'll be another lie.

I know teenagers don't tell you everything, that's normal, and I don't expect to know, but this is a different situation to me. Makes me wonder what else they're hiding. And I hate that. I hate secrets full stop. STBX knows that.

I think the key thing you said here was about expecting more time to get used to everything changing. All these changes have fallen on you like a ton of bricks. It's normal for kids to marginalize adults at this stage.

But this is not a routine situation for them. Because of their silence I can see why you might be wondering if they were somehow identifying with Team STBX. I really, really doubt that. Why would they? Young people don't want a stepmother who is only a few years older than them. It's embarrassing.

I have done a lot of thinking these past few days, actually months. The same 2 scenarios keep coming back as the only ones. Which I've mentioned here more than once I think.
The dog goes back to the breeder and the 'kids' live with their dad when not at Uni.
I will be emailing both the breeder and STBX tomorrow, after I've written the emails and re-written them.
I've played out everything every day and can't come up with a solution where I move to somewhere I can accommodate DD (before Uni) and then DD/DS and the dog after Uni. On my wages it can't happen. Even with me getting more equity, some of that will get eaten up by selling this place/buying somewhere new (could be over £10k alone) and my 2 jobs won't give me a decent mortgage. I can't crap money.

STBX can afford a bigger place, specially if planning to live with his GF, makes more sense than me scrimping and penny pinching just to eat. I will not move to a dump just so DD can live with me. She and I are worth more than that.

It's not 'fighting', but it's not giving up either. It's being realistic. I can't afford to keep putting money into SOL fees. It's so expensive.
I wish I could change this but I can't. At the end of the day money doesn't grow on trees. It doesn't just appear. That is the crux of my situation.

The dog goes back to the breeder and the 'kids' live with their dad when not at Uni.

I'm not sure this is what you really want, (especially the kids) but I would be intrigued to know his response because it surely won't fit in with his shiny new life will it?

However, I would be concerned about how the kids would feel about this. They will think you don't want them - I suppose it will all be in the wording of the email.

If someone could wave a magic wand and make things OK then yeah, I'd keep the dog and the kids. But things won't work. I've checked facts, figures and right move every day it seems, all comes back to me scrimping to make it work.
Well he'll have to find a solution then, because I can't.
The oldest (DS) won't care in all honesty. DD will hopefully understand.

No matter how small a home is you can always have a futon couch or a daybed for the kids when they visit you. People do wonderful, clever things with their spaces these days and your home can be as welcoming as ever.

The kids are getting the short end of the stick in this whole thing, in their own way, aren't they? Unless your marriage laws are vastly different from ours, they will lose half their potential inheritance to OW and her children if she marries STBX. Your kids are just too young to understand the ramification of things.

I would think you'd want to ask your daughter if she has a preference. Maybe she should have told you what she knew about OW but why didn't she? Ask her. Keep the lines of communication open with the kids. When the dust settles they will still be your kids. They are part of a generation that has difficulty launching into full adult life. They will need you as a friendly ear more than anything else in the years to come.

The kids will hopefully come and visit, but the type of place I can afford won't be very big.
Yes they will lose out when STBX gets married again (and he will, he can't be on his own, he wants the 'fairytale'). But I don't plan on getting married ever again, let alone a relationship, so they will get everything I have, although it might not be much.

Asking my DD won't make a difference (who she lives with). I can't accommodate her. She needs her own room/space and my budget is a 1 bed flat.

I won't be asking DD about her decision to keep STBX's GF secret. Or DS. They did and it will only cause more problems as I will explode. I've had to rein in my emotions this weekend, causing silence and a couple of walks as I will say something I regret. My fault not hers.
When people lie or purposely deceive me I lose that trust. It's gone. People probably won't understand that but it's the way my mind works. I try to get past things but I can't. It simmers. This is why being on my own is for the best. When I get like this being on my own and ranting/shouting is the only thing that gets me through it. This weekend I can't do that so I have been bubbling below the surface.

What you say is very understandable. You have ever right to be angry and disappointed. You need your own safe place. There's a lot of self-absorption going on out there in the age of the selfie. A lot of arrested development. People are either in your circle of trust or they are not. You can still talk to the ones outside the circle of trust but you can't pretend they are actually in the circle of trust.

So you have to be careful about what you say under the circumstances, and you end up having to hold back. But what's the alternative? It's a shame but it isn't your fault. You have to set boundaries if you want to live your life. You can still have a nice social life, you can have friends of your own and you will. Give it time.

There is an art to defenses, in my opinion. Too much and you wall yourself off from life and that's not good. Too little and you end up too hurt to function. If you can successfully find that middle ground you end up stronger and happier in the long run.