Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

Hold firm and say that you need to stay put until dd has finished college. After all it will be disruptive for her to move in the middle of her A level year.

I won't want to do mediation no, but might have to if it looks bad on my part. It won't do any good I feel, as we both want different things to get to the final outcome.

I will be holding firm, specially after I have just had my suspicions confirmed.

My Sis came over and spoke to DD last week while I was out at the training day.

Yes STBX does have a girlfriend. He told DS a few weeks before telling DD the last time he saw her (or the time before that maybe).

So for all who called it, there is an OW

And to rub it in, she's in her late 20's. She lives in the same town where STBX is now renting a room/house (?).

I think I've mentioned that I questioned - or asked - STBX about 2 women on his FB friends list while he was still here (just before the separation email), I wondered who they were. One was older and married, one was young and single....... yep, he's dating the young single one.

I can't prove when it started, and he'd just deny everything anyway, but you don't need to be a genius to work it out. She works at the same place. She was on his FB friends list before he sent his separation email last Nov (as I said he only had a few friends that weren't mutual between us, most were men, with 2 women....) . I asked who she was before the email but he ignored me. That speaks volumes.

I am pissed that he told DS and DD before me, mainly as it's just a secret they have to keep. DD and I live together, she doesn't need to be keeping secrets like this. It causes stress and with her skin condition she doesn't need stress!
It also explains why he is so happy he's gone. His original email I deleted as I didn't want to see it in my email box, but I've kept the subsequent ones and in them he is so pathetic. 'I'm already lost' - yeah so lost you're banging a new GF? (although I hope she has a better time in that department than I did .... that's all I'm saying!).

Apparently he's having a small op this week, can't drive for 3 weeks....so GF is driving him around where he needs to go. DD told me the other day that STBX wants to see her and DS next week when DS comes back for a week. hmmmm... wonder how STBX will get here? If he doesn't come to the house and they meet him somewhere else I know he's a coward. If it's up the road I'll walk with them, just to show STBX I know. Although I think deep down he knows I know. Which is why he hasn't told me.
For me he should have told me first. He is making the kids keep secrets. And it's a big one. I don't tell the kids things I don't want them to know therefore not wanting him to know.
At least I didn't agree to him having a vasectomy, so if new GF wants kiddies they can pro-create together! LOL! In truth I didn't want him to have it done because I knew he'd make such a big deal about it, for yrs afterwards......

I think it's abhorrent that he expects your children (albeit your adult children in DS's case) to keep secrets from you. If he is so convinced he is in the right then he should have had the courage of his convictions and told you. As you say, the fact that he hasn't speaks volumes.

Other posters might be able to advise better but might it not be worth contacting him requesting that he not put his children in such an awkward position again?

TBH too I would be hoping that he didn't have more children with her. Similar experiences of my own relatives have shown me that this can just throw up more difficulties for the father's first family.

It's disgusting to me. He told DD at least 3 weeks ago and yet hasn't told me anything. Just sent me a snotty email telling me what he thinks we need to do now going forward. I have sent one back telling him I forwarded it to my SOL and will only reply when I've heard from her. His 'timescales' can go f*ck off for all i care! Now i know for sure he has an agenda he can wait for me and not rush me.

For the visit next week he will tell the kids to meet him either in town or down the road, I guarantee it. He won't face me, let alone with his GF in tow.

I won't be talking to him until he tells me, then I will make it clear how I feel about this situation. I don't want DD to think that she can't talk to others without them spilling things. HE should be telling me anyway. We shall see how long it takes. It will no doubt be by email.

Well if the GF wants kids he'll have to consider it. Even though he's 45 now.... I mean, they're already considering moving in together apparently. I mean, what's the rush?? Her problem now though.

That's all kinds of wrong.

As we would say here, he's a complete turkey, isn't he?

Haha! Possibly yeah! It's the fact he has even told me yet. He's got the kids keeping a big secret and can't see anything wrong with that. He should have told me 1st so it wasn't the elephant in the room.
Although he knows what I'll say when he does tell me. Given the GF is one of the women I asked about.... I got all kinds of bullsh*t that time!

He is really the lowest of the low - and another thing that is bothering me is if he does have more children with OW and this happens before the divorce/finances are settled, could this have an adverse effect on what settlement you would get as he would then have other dependents? Is this something you could email your solicitor about? Or am I projecting because of a situation someone I know was in?

Ugh! I feel slimed by this fellow and I'm an ocean and a continent away!
I can only guess what you must feel. He's a total Thanksgiving turkey with all the trimmings!

The first question that occurs to me is besides the obvious emotional hurt plus absolute wrongness of putting the children in the middle... was all this subterfuge designed to give him any legal advantage over you?

If you had known from day one that he was cheating on you would you have done anything differently on the legal front?

And now that you do know the truth is there anything your solicitor can do for you on the legal front?

The very fact that he has been trying to railroad you would make me dig in my heels, if nothing else. Turkeys are best cooked slowly, you know.

Unless he quick reproduces and that puts you at disadvantage, as kait says ... You must talk to your solicitor and find out how all this impacts you, don't you think?

Yes - if you had found out he was seeing the YOW (Younger Other Woman) before he left you could have issued him papers for adultery. Not that it would make any difference to your settlement, but it would have saved you those bad feelings you had when you received his file for divorce with all your alleged unreasonable behaviour. This would be completely galling if he had been having an affair before he even left. Still, that's going up a blind alley as it doesn't affect the finances.

Please ask your solicitor about the possible repercussions for you (and your DC) if YOW does get pregnant. Perhaps email her tomorrow and then it isn't hanging over you the whole bank holiday weekend.

I hope you are doing okay, OP. Normally I try to avoid writing disparaging words about others but I was genuinely shocked by your STBX's behavior. It seems so fundamental to me that you don't put kids in the middle. I'm sure your heart is heavy right now. I hope that you find your inner strength and all goes well on the interview you mentioned earlier (if that is still in the works). Wishing you all the best...

Well! So there is another woman!
Deceitful slime.

I hope you've found your anger now. He can bloody well wait for you to be ready and not try to rush you about everything!

About time he learnt that it's not all about him!!

Thanks.
I don't think I would have done anything differently as such if I'd known there was a GF in the mix. (I can't call her the OW as such as I have no proof when they started 'dating' - although I'm sure the emotional stuff started before we split, which probably made up his mind).
I mean, without proof of cheating I couldn't cite that in the divorce any way.

Personally - I wouldn't have been so accommodating to him. And from now on he can wait for me to make decisions. He wanted a reply by the end of this week for certain things in his email, but nope, until I receive a reply from my SOL I won't be making any decisions. He can wait. He can't control the timeline now.

I also made it clear to my SOL that I won't be selling the house from under mine and DD's feet just to satisfy STBX's lifestyle with his GF (YOW). He can put his daughter first for once. She needs stability for her A-Level yr. Not wondering where we going to live and how we're going to manage.

STBX thinks he's being fair - and yes with the bills,he's paying them which is something I couldn't do - BUT he can't control everything so it's going his way. There are 3 of us (4 if DS is included, plus the dog) that need to be accommodated, takes time. If he and his new piece of fluff want to move in together then go for it, she can put up with him. But not at the expense of me and DD (and DS, and dog).

I did tell him he wouldn't be single. He was surprised I thought that and I told him he can't, he's not that kind of person. That was a month before he moved out. His face was a funny reaction actually. If it was going on then, then it makes sense.
I wrote this to his as part of an email in May:

Do know the funny thing? That never even occurred to me. How many people, when I mention we're separated and it was your decision, how many ask about 'the other woman'? Well if there is I hope you aren't as secretive with her and are honest about your past. And don't introduce her to the kids until you ask them if they want that. The may be (nearly) adults but it's still their decision

He was seeing GF then ..needless to say he ignored the whole email I sent him then..... Hmmm..

Well, on another note. Interview done. Lovely place, I have to admit.

People were very professional but casual if that makes sense. I applied for the same role, just different hours as one is term time only and the other all yr round. I interviewed for both and they asked if I had a preference. I said all yr round. There was someone else finishing their interview when I arrived, a guy around my age (or slightly older). Now I wait until after the BH. I could work there. It and they seem nice. The job is basically cleaning your home on a bigger scale with other kids in the mix!

Apparently when I sent my email a few moths ago, when i couldn't make the interview then, they did reply back with another date but I never received it. Or I deleted it by mistake. I would definitely have gone. 2nd chance maybe?!

Thinking about it - too much right now - STBX doesn't see anything wrong with his behaviour. For him he thinks we've been over a LONG time so being involved so quickly (or before leaving?) isn't an issue. Even emotionally he wouldn't see it as cheating. Although if he's doing nothing wrong why not tell me? He knows I won't be happy about it but I won't bitch about it because what's the point? And I'm not jealous or anything, far from it!

Don't tell the kids and then make them keep it a secret this long. Although he's probably hoping DD (or DS) will spill the beans so he doesn't have to. Funny how he wants to get the divorce papers in etc.. before telling me.......

The kids had guessed something was going on with her, through all the FB stuff he was posting. She was always there at 'gatherings' (whatever that means) and she was always liking posts as soon as he did them.

He's blocked me completely on FB now...

What a twat he is!

I don't think there is anything wrong in moving on if a relationship isn't working, but he seems to put his own feelings and wants first, second and third with very little thought for you or the dc. There is just no excuse for this kind of thoughtlessness and selfishness.

I have been following your threads from the beginning BTW - I used to be Naicehamshop. You are doing so well - koko.

Moving on is one thing, but the GF was in the picture before things ended and I even asked about her! For all I know they were spending time together while I thought we were still married. It's the deceit. If it's over tell me, and work with me. Wish he'd done this years ago to be honest.

Really facing up to things and being open and honest is not his strong point really, is it?

But you are still married, are you not? Not to quibble but doesn't that make her the OW de facto?

I see no reason why you should be in a hurry here. Are you not feeling a great deal of fatigue? Have you had your blood pressure checked lately? What about depression? All these things make it necessary to think important things through very, very carefully.

Do I not sense the stamping of a petulant little foot with the blocking of you on FB? Perhaps he mistook you for someone without a spine!

Open and honest have never been strong points no. But he'd blame that on me ....

Well yes we are married but in name only. Emotionally it's been a while, physically even longer. Trouble is you think you have a life together and then you don't. He had obviously checked out a lot earlier.

I am tired yes. I had a check at the end of Dec with the Dr, which included BP etc.. all was fine. I was diagnosed with depression but decided not to take the anti depressants the Dr gave me. I was starting the new job and didn't need the side effects presenting themselves. I was nervous enough without other things getting in the way. I never went back. I don't want to take pills. I know some think that's stupid but unfortunately that's my stance on it.

I self referred myself to the free NHS counselling service but at the last minute - actually on the day - I cancelled the appointment with the counsellor type person. I couldn't do it. It wasn't a good day and I was getting anxious. I don't like talking when it's expected of me. Conversation is bad enough in every day life sometimes let alone when you're being assessed. I feel like I'm in an exam and there's a right and wrong answer.

It's something I would love to sort out but I don't think anything will help. I've been this way too long. I think it's affecting DD as well so the sooner she goes to Uni the better. I know DS being away has been good for him. He doesn't come back often.

I know I could get help but when you don't want to do anything that makes it difficult. Motivation isn't there. And once DD has gone I won't have to worry about impacting any one else.

After yesterday I'm feeling low. There's tension in the air with DD and I don't know why.
With this 'secret' of STBX's GF (OW) I feel it's making her a lot more secretive than a normal teenager. I mean, I'm not supposed to know about her am I.
I don't like secrets at the best of times. So this one is particularly annoying. I am thinking 'whats the point?'. DD will meet GF (OW), hit it off, I mean, she's probably nice enough (as I don't know her) and I'll be out in the cold. I could understand that tbh. I am hard work and out relationship isn't that strong.

The FB thing with STBX. He'd already made it private so I couldn't see anything, not even liked posts, friends etc... But now he's definitely blocked me as I can't access his page. Not that I actually look at it, but yesterday I wanted to check something, a pic he posted of DD on her birthday, but I can't even see that. (He'd made that public when he posted it so I could see it, I assume).
Yes I am not playing his game so he's probably pissed off with me. That's normal.

Can you go to a counsellor just to moan and rant? I mean, that's all I want to do tbh.