Further support for those starting the divorce process

[NotJanine]

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other

I will find out - I am currently a student. DCs are older, DS with one more year of school, DD about to finish uni. I need to get some time with a solicitor, don't I?

Have a look here www.gov.uk/get-help-with-court-fees

Hare, welcome (we are really coming out of the woodwork hey). You can get a free half hour with most solicitors before you decide to instruct any of them. I tried 3 and it was good I had a lot of advice which reinforced and made me feel a lot more secure in myself. There's cheap online divorce services too if you're amicable, but be sure! Good luck and stay in touch
Text of you gals hope you have some fun somehow this weekend. I'm packing mine out with various things as DS has gone back now so stbxh and I are here, he keeps trying to chat, I wonder whether he's forgotten what's happening?

I have a couple of threads about my twat of a H leaving me but wanted to post here too.
I've heard from my solicitor today that he is refusing to allow me to divorce him on the grounds of adultery and will only agree to unreasonable behaviour. He moved in with OW 8 weeks after he left me and our two DC!
He also refuses to pay all the costs and will only pay half.
I am not giving in to him though.

Suki, Your solicitor might advise you to accept unreasonable behaviour as point 1 could be he had and still has an ongoing relationship with another woman.

I know it would be fairer to have adultery but it might just cost more to challenge it.
Ultimately you and everyone you care about know the truth.

Focus on the finances as that will impact your life more significantly.

Haven't posted for a while. Wasband has suggested we have a 'chat' over a few drinks. I'd rather pull my own teeth. I'm sure it will entail him sucking the life out of me and him being the poor victim.
He hasn't replied to the petition. Solicitor has written to him again. Will have to cough to get papers served if that fails. Can I claim the cost back? Fucker
I've actually been thinking about having a 'chat' the more time goes on. And I was thinking of including the kids to get their views. He wants 50:50 childcare, which is laughable.
I get moments of positivity and then crash down and think that we've got no further in nearly a fucking year. I so want to be free of him.

Suki - any chance he would agree to pay the full costs if you change it? As in, he can choose adultery & half costs or unreasonable behaviour & full cost? If not, then I think you'll be better off financially to let the reasons go - I try to keep in mind that none of what's written on the divorce really matters, I'm getting out and I'm focusing on what me and the kids need. It's such a rollercoaster anyway and 15 months down the line, I know that letting a lot of stuff go makes it much easier mentally.

All that said, it's far easier to say than do. Everything seems to be getting to me at the moment. Work is a bit stressful and still waiting for new contract for promotion - nobody seems bothered that it affects the size of mortgage or rental property I can get. I seem to have no physical energy at the moment and I can feel my anxiety is just bubbling under the surface.

HelpMe I'm devoid of energy some days. I got home from work the other day and had to go to bed to sleep. This happens quite often

I'm meditating almost daily and have given up the dreaded booze for now apart from the odd night out. I have ok days and a few bad days. This too shall pass

I get moments of positivity and then crash down and think that we've got no further in nearly a fucking year. I so want to be free of him.

I know the feeling. CC grudgingly agreed to my latest financial settlement proposal the other day so I've sent him an email asking him to confirm the same by return email. Naturally he's got the arse about that and not replied.

She's with him today and has just texted not sounding too happy (it's niggly stuff - she'll survive but grrr!) & also given me the heads up that he is/was planning to go to the same bar I'm going to this evening.

It's my first night out in nearly 3 months so my plans will not be changing.

Enjoy your night out Pandora!

I'm trying to go on a night out at least once a month, it's been lovely. Nice to be with nice people.

I've also been very tired though, been in bed before 9 a couple of times this week. Although still takes me a while to get to sleep

Enjoy your night out PandoraMole

I've been to the hairdressers this afternoon and she was asking if I was going out tonight, or if I was out last night. I felt a bit sad saying no. I had been out in the evening, other than to the gym, in ages. I do get out and about during the day but it's not the same is it?

I tend to go the bed at 9 and read for a while. I think that the stress is exhausting both mentally and physically.

I'm normally only out at the gym too Tapir

I've joined some meetup groups and have had some nice meals out with 1 group in particular, all women mostly around my age. I do tend to feel too tired, but once I make the effort to get out the door I'm ok. I've also been going to the cinema, on my own or with DS if it's something he wants to see. Generally I'm trying to say yes to any opportunities

Have a fab night out Pandora.

I go climbing twice a week and we go for a pint afterwards. It generally keeps me same but my anxiety is making me feel really self concious so not enjoying it quite the same at the moment. I cried on dp in the pub last night because of it. I'm wondering if a lot of it is more the fear of my anxiety (it reached the stage where I couldn't leave the house when dd1 was a baby) and the unknown future - I've not lived on my own before. On a positive note I'm waiting to hear back if I've got a rental property I viewed today, am going to view a house to buy tomorrow and have a back up plan of moving into one of dp's rental properties.

*sane

helpmeltb I've never lived alone before either but have been doing since my ex moved out last Summer. I was convinced that I couldn't do it but it's not too bad. I do what I want, when or if I want including the housework. If I go out leaving behind a clean and tidy house, it's the same when I come home. I can watch what I want on the tv or just read in silence. And the biggest positive, no snoring!

Good luck with finding somewhere to live :)

I have been out with a couple of meet up groups during the day but the local social one's evening events get booked up so quickly I've not managed to get to one yet. I have got a place at a tribute night in a few weeks time though.

Totally agree with trying to say yes to any opportunities even if I'm not necessarily keen to start with.

I'm regularly in bed at 10 but would go earlier if I could. I was hoping to have a lie in this weekend but have woken up at the normal time.

I don't have the energy to go out and don't really fancy it tbh. But I know I should push myself. I think I'm waiting for all this to be over. Himself has a habit of complaining in not so many words about having to 'babysit'. And he wants 50:50. Wtaf? He even emailed my sol saying that I made him look after the kids over Easter so he was too busy to engage a solicitor. The irony.

I was out last night as well, just with a female friend for a walk along the beach then for something to eat at a local bar/grill. After that we went back to hers and shared a bottle of wine and a right good blether. On the walk back to hers we passed a group of blokes and one said hello to me, I've no idea who he was but it made me smile.

I don't know how much more I can take. I'm really struggling to even look at him at the moment, let alone speak to him. I tried this morning to ask about what is happening with the mortgage (we are remortgaging) and yet again I get 'I'm giving you half a house' Yet again I had to point out that I have been raising his children for 23 years, pretty much alone, so he could further his career and be in the position where he has two houses! I have worked most of that time but around the children because he was away so much and we don't live near family. I just want it sorted. I can't move and so I want to use some equity to man this house ours, not keep feeling like it's still his. Does that make sense?
And yet again he used the line in which he said he could just give me the minimum maintenance. I'm sick of those threats. I told him to just do that then if that's what he wants, I don't want to live a life thinking that he can just do that if he wants to, I'd rather it happened now. All I want to do is to be able to support my children.
This is all on top of having to deal with the boys emotions and confusion alone. I try so hard to give him pointers about how he could improve the boys trust of him but he doesn't actually listen, despite him asking me to help him!
His family are no support (but I am apparently like a sister/daughter to them!) My family are no support. None of them ask after the boys. None of them even give the boys any support at all. I feel so alone and I feel like we don't matter at all. That he can cause all of this turmoil and be Mr Wonderful because he's produced the first girl! Go him! I'm so sick of it all. It's like he wants to keep me in the same place as before because he has control then. He just doesn't get that I need to have control over my life, not him!
I'm sorry, this has turned into a bit of a rant....

It's funny how he can change how he is to suit himself. Just last week, before the baby was born, he was flirty and could be around us enough. This week is very different. That's because I'm hurting and the boys are hurting and he can't deal with that. Because that's real and he just wants to live in a pretend it's all fine world.

*couldn't be around us enough...

somuchhurt you are doing a great job, I am sure, during what is a truly awful time. Just keep on doing the best you can.

I think that these men block out all of the hurt they have caused because otherwise they couldn't live with what they have done. They are living in their own world which is far from reality.

I am constantly amazed by the strength of those of us who are having to deal with all this shit and still live with the bastards.

SoMuch he's an absolute Bastard for keeping you hanging. And he's being cruel. I'm sure he's justified it in his mind and he's being 'generous' giving you half the house what does your solicitor say about that?

I have difficulty looking at my STBXH let alone talk to him. So I'm with you there.

It seems to be never ending and I'm so tired.

Sorry, should have added and those who have to be in contact with them due to trying to do the best for their children

Somuch - not sure if this helps but my current dp was explaining it from a man's perspective. Basically he said my ex is looking at it from what he's actually paid - so he's paid while I was a sahm and he's paying again cos I'm leaving (and essentially I could take more since I was a sahm so it feels like he's paying again for that). It's sort of an inability to see the money that didn't get spent I.e. if I hadn't looked after the kids, he'd have paid a fortune in childcare so he would be starting this process from a smaller pot, if he'd had to do as much childcare he wouldn't have been as flexible in his working pattern so might be starting the process from a smaller income. I know it's not right but mentally I've had to accept there are some things he's never going to see from my perspective so there's no point trying to explain it to him.

When I am nice we get on extremely well. When I am struggling or have to be the boys advocate, or simply cannot pretend all is well, he removes himself emotionally.
The boys and I didn't ask for any of this.
Unfortunately we weren't married (in hindsight that was stupid but I didn't feel it was important at the time) and so all I get is 'half a house'. That's it's, my stability for the future. Is it so wrong to want that sorted so I can at least relax a little about that? One less thing out of the many, many things I have to worry about!! Maybe I could be a little more amicable if I didn't feel like he was stringing this out to keep control! He already has suggested he give me less but carry on paying the bills because he wants to make sure they are paid!! (My name is on them too) Guess what I said?