Further support for those starting the divorce process

[NotJanine]

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other

SoMuch what a brilliant brilliant Mum you are. I predict that gradually your ex will disappear from your sons' lives. I'm glad they do seem to appreciate you but don't worry if they don't seem to sometimes. Oh will recover from this horrible time. I can't believe how utterly selfish your ex is. You deserve so much better.
Helpme, good luck with the house hunting you will manage something because you are strong and motivated. to both of you!

helpme I hope you find somewhere soon. It's one thing I am grateful for in some ways, that I haven't had to leave the house. In other ways it's hard because it is the family home and I think he still views it like that. But I wouldn't want the upheaval for the boys right now.
I've just spoken the the head of pastoral care at the boys school and he is going to book in some sessions with my 14 year old son to chat. He is excellent, the school is excellent and he and the year heads have been incredibly supportive. I know I can send rambly, panicky emails whenever I need to and they will do all they can to help the boys.

Hello everyone

Just checking in to see how you all are?

I think we have agreed on the consent order and I've sent the info over to the solicitor this morning. I'm having absolute minimal contact with wasband now after a few weeks of revelations and turmoil. Youngest DS has admitted that the split has upset him, although he has always appeared fine with it. He won't open up any more than that with me though

Hi ladies,
decree absolute is being applied for tomorrow.
My lovely parents are buying a house with me as because of cockhead I have adverse credit, they have to stay on the mortgage for 12 months and then I can run it on my own. All very scary at the moment, but by the end of June my oldest daughter will have finished her GCSE's and we should have completed on the house.
My stress levels are through the roof, not helped by cockhead being awful about seeing the two youngest children.
Hope you ladies are ok.xx

Hi all down and up today. We had first viewing on our house and I had to go out I was upset. Stbxh said he was too! Why has he started this?? God I hope this is over asap.
Was lucky enough to go out friends to see free music this evening, so cheered up a bit. But am generally feeling more and more depressed and tearful, as it all sinks in.
Glad you are getting some help to get somewhere Cookie.
Hang in there Janine, your patience and determination will get you through.
Really glad you are getting support through school SoMuch, what a relief. d

((Hugs)) Proper. The house stuff is hard, especially on such a short timescale in yoir case.

It upset me initially too, particularly as I thought there was a strong possibility that the outlaws would help C buy me out so it would be easier and the family home would still be in the picture for DD. We both she'd a few tears when we realised that wasn't going to happen.

We're 9 months down the line now and I can't wait to get shot of it. It doesn't feel like a home anymore when I go there, let alone my home. We're going to do an open day when the time comes so hopefully will get the viewings over with and an offer in one fell swoop.

Gave him a letter on Tuesday with yet another offer for settlement. Am seeing him this afternoon as it's parents evening so hopefully he'll have something to say on that front and we can start moving forward.

The stress is getting really unbearable. 3 days back at work and I was in tears by yesterday afternoon and waking up super early today after 3 days of not getting to sleep until late so I'm shattered. Anxiety attacks haven't been too bad but I can feel the physical effects already and I'm sure I'm actually losing my hair .

Still at least it's a 3 day weekend.

Hi! Do you mind if I join in too? Have been lurking a while and identifying with everyone's posts.

I moved out from our home a year ago. We luckily had a rental property a few miles away which I moved to with the kids. The atmosphere was awful prior to leaving as we lived together for 5 months whilst separated before I was able to leave. We have been married 10 years and there were alcohol issues which reached a head in the Xmas of 2015. It sounds like ages ago now, but I don't feel like a great deal has changed and I don't feel like anything will change any time soon either which is soul destroying.
He has not responded to my solicitors letter & divorce petition. He has verbally told me he will not remortgage so it goes through quicker. He is a high earner and I put a fairly low value on the house to tempt him to do this so we could move on. He says he will sell instead (nothing done about this yet) which will take ages, plus he has let the house go, so in its current state I am not sure it will sell easily. I have requested a bit extra of the equity but none of pensions & other assets which is not even a 60/40% split as I put in a lump sum extra to him into our first property and as I am only part time on a fraction of his salary it is the only way I will get a mortgage at the moment.

He has been very verbally aggressive throughout. I saw a counsellor through my work soon after leaving for 6 sessions as kept breaking down. She gave me some coping strategies as he was drinking and his messages etc were quite erratic. He claims now it was a big problem then, but he has sorted it & no longer has an issue with alcohol (which I do not believe) my eldest daughter has had anxiety issues this past year which mainly seemed to come out as tummy aches around visiting him & wanting to stay with me which has been upsetting, plus involved lots of tests at the doctors to rule out anything else. I have had to tell school and it is so embarrassing to admit how bad a choice I made and how it has been. I went to al anon a couple of weeks ago in an effort to move on and gain more coping strategies. Going to a 2nd meeting this week. It was not what I was expecting but am willing to give it a go incase it helps. He is still erratically calling/texting which I do my best to ignore. I also went to the doctors last week as keep getting chest pain & palpitations. Have been diagnosed with anxiety. I have been prescribed beta blockers but after reading the leaflet feel anxious about taking those too! The doctor thinks he is harassing me and his behaviour is abusive, so has also referred me to counselling. Trying to get out on long dog walks but have them to fall back on. I think I have also been quite anxious about the chest pain as was worried about what would happen to the girls if something bad happened to me. This is the most draining, soul destroying process I have ever been through. I miss what we should have had together, feel really upset for splitting up the home for the kids despite that we are happier away from the atmosphere, plus there is no end in sight. No bloody wonder I am anxious!!

Sorry for the long post, a lot has gone on this year! I love the cactus cartoon, that made me chuckle and it definitely applies to my ex!

Properjob sorry to hear that the house viewing was upsetting. In my case, we went from splitting up -> selling up and moving out
in just over 3 months.
I didn't have time to think really, so it went by in a blur. I do remember being upset when I was going to look at houses to buy on my own. It's all just such a rubbish time, but I do feel settled in my new home now, so I hope you will soon too.

Pandora hope parents evening does well. Are you taking anything to help with the stress/lack of sleep?

Noodles welcome to the thread, but sorry to hear of your situation. I've been suffering badly with anxiety too - it is a horrible thing to deal with. I got beta blockers from my GP and have taken them now and again - 3 times a day when I've been really struggling and ad hoc at other times just when I feel it starting. I normally get any possible side effects when taking medication, but with these I haven't noticed anything. They're not like anti-depressants which can have very noticeable effects. You've probably already been told - but cutting down on alcohol and caffeine is useful too (I don't have either)
How long ago did you send the divorce petition?

Thanks Janine and Pandora, welcome Noodles, he has to respond to petition within 21 days and also pay the divorce fee doesn't he? Get your solicitor to chase him? He can't bury his head in the sand forever, it's best to get on with it in my view even if one was unwilling. Though I must say when I was faced with the thought of a petition I was terrified, luckily stbxh did agree to me petitioning. Sounds like you are being very strong but yes there's a knock on effect isn't there, mild in my case a bit of stomach trouble (Mum's coeliac which slowly developed after my DF left). Sorry to hear you and Pan are feeling very stressed, we will get over it, hair and nails will grow back, weight will stabilise, we will love ourselves more after this...what I'm worried about now is that my children form healthy relationships, I'm going to be the divorced daughter of divorced parents, it's scary! In my case there are many happy memories from a long marriage, not sure that's better or worse! Hope those are the ones that will last for my kids

Properjob I worry about the effect on the children too and what did they pick up from our relationship? As I have 2 boys I am worried about them turning out like their dad - a selfish, lying cheat who makes misogynistic jokes and uses alcohol as a stress reliever. In contrast, I am honest and loyal, kind and teetotal. But in their eyes I think I'm just the boring, nagging one.

I'm sure the children will remember the happy memories and that we'll all be making happy memories in the future too (argh! used the F Word, I try not to think about that)

Noodles, welcome and hope we can support you.It is incredibly stressful.Do you have a good solicitor? If you file for court (application fee is around 250) you will both get a timetable for finances which your ex has to comply with.I've just done that and have a timetable so know when there is an end in sight.

Ex has dramatically lowered his salary..must be salary sacrifice or something but I know its to show he will have less money.His true character shows through and I feel so disappointed in him.He is a very high earner so it's not like he will be poor if he has to contribute to my living costs for a few years.

Pandora, I hope parents evening went ok.Awful to have to sit next to an ex playing nicely.Lack of sleep is a killer so do take something as sometimes it helps just to get your body back into a sleeping pattern.

Wishing everyone else a good day..hoping you have more good days than bad.

I don't have good days or bad days. For me it seems to be a good hour or a bad hour these days. Each day is so up and down. Yesterday himself was screaming and shouting at me and then said I was harassing him! Later on he actually apologied for shouting at me!!! After that he then proceeded to fall out with DD2 and he is 'done with her'.

Proper, in the beginning I was precious about the house but now I just want to get it on the market and sold asap. The house is soul-less, empty and full of bad memories. The only problem is that girls have only ever know this house and they love it. Hopefully I'll be lucky and get myself a reasonable place to stay in the near future and the girls will be happy there or at least will seen me happy there which will help them move on too.

Hi, thanks for the welcome. The divorce was petitioned for in Feb in the end, a long time coming really, too long with hindsight. I think the responding date was extended as my ex was away working for a week within the time. I have chased up my solicitor. She seems very good and confident, she is definitely very busy, I guess time will tell, but I feel pleased she is on my side. My problem is I just do not seem to manage to retain all the info in my head for long!
I had to deal with my ex this am as he dropped my youngest child back after having the kids overnight as I worked last night. He could not even say hello to me, just glared at me. It took about an hour for my heart rate to feel back to normal after he had gone. Maybe I should start on the tablets, that said now I know the chest pain is an anxiety symptom it has made me feel less worried about that. I may hold out until after the weekend as it is a friends birthday & we are supposed to be going for a few cocktails! 🍸

I'm sorry for those of us who are feeling low. I've had a day off work today because I just couldn't face it and knew I'd be in tears all day.. it's only my second sick day in 13 years working there and I feel a bit rubbish because I'm not really sick, more unfit for work.

I still haven't heard from my mediator, I wish people would do stuff when they say they will. I was hoping for a reasonable offer soon but am still waiting. She, of course, may be waiting on my ex.

He came round the he other evening just before I had to leave for my class at the gym. He obviously heard me come out of the house and walked out of the garage like I was coming to see him. He smiled at me like he used to, like he was pleased to see me, and I totally blanked him, got in my car and drove off. Seeing him really upsets me and if he comes back I think that I'll try to be out. He has also removed all of the boxes and bags of his stuff from the garage. I chucked my wedding ring in one of them, along with our wedding album and all of the photos of our time together so that'll be nice for him. It's good that most of his stuff is gone but so sad. I think I am feeling low because it's another confirmation that after all those years together he feels nothing for me anymore.

Hi everyone I posted a couple of months ago but have decided to bite the bullet and get divorced.

I've been married 5 years and separated for 2. So only married and living in the same house for 3 yeats. I moved out

I'm so overwhelmed, I contacted a solicitor and they said they can't see me for a month, my husband text today and said he wants me to email him and make an offer about the house and contact. If I don't he won't divorce me until 2018

I don't know what's reasonable with the finances. My financial situation is awful but he paid the deposit and I've not paid the mortgage since moving out, I am also unsure about negotiating directly with him.

I don't understand the divorce process at all

motheroreily he sounds unreasonable and unrealistic. Can you get a free half hour with a different solicitor to get some advice quicker? Do not be forced into a deal if you are not happy with doing so before getting some legal advice.

hermonie that is awful that your ex has lowered his salary like that. Like you say, his true character shines through. With regards to child maintenance, that can be recalculated. My solicitor put something about my ex sending through a copy of his p60 each year to make sure the payments for the kids are correct in line with his earnings. Am sure yours will return to his usual salary at some point in the future...

My financial situation is awful but he paid the deposit and I've not paid the mortgage since moving out, I am also unsure about negotiating directly with him.

So did mine...is the mortgage/house in both names? If not you need to make matrimonial homes rights application to the Land Registry - Google it - it's free to do and means he cannot do anything with the house until a financial agreement is on place.

I would try another solicitor or two...a month's wait is ridiculous.

Is there any reason why you can't divorce him? You can apply for help with the costs - mine cost £50 instead of £550. I downloaded and filled in my own forms and just got solicitor to check them over before sending off.

Sorry meant to say welcome noodles

Your situation and ex sound quite similar to mine.

I can't believe that I'm so stressed and still managing to keep going tbh. Am running largely on caffeine, wine, antidepressants and diazepam (in small doses and not at the same time I hasten to add!)

Thanks pandora I feel that I too am running on either caffeine or wine some days! I must admit I only have one or two proper coffees in a day now as notice they affect me if I have more. Looking into other drinks that will leave me refreshed rather than feeling stressed. I can recommend fizzy water, mint tea & jasmine tea...

Thank you for the replies. I was planning to divorce him as we've been separated two years. But I guess he can refuse until five years.

I'll keep phoning other solicitors

noodles, caffeine could be causing the palpitations. I had very bad palpitations a couple of years ago and saw a specialist who happened to mention that coffee, alcohol and dark chocolate make it worse. I hate coffee, don't drink much but at the time was having a bit of dark chocolate most days. Within a week of stopping it the palpitations had gone along with the distress it caused. Recently the palpitations had come back and I presumed it was due to stress. I started taking magnesium citrate about an hour before I went to bed and they have gone again. The magnesium citrate helps you sleep, keeps you regular in the morning and supports the nervous system. Worth a try.

NotJanine, I have similar worries about my ds. Ds told me his dad told him a joke, it was essentially about women all being crazy.I overreacted when ds told me as I just don't want ds to inherit such sexist views.Guaranteed to screw up his future relationships.DS was upset tonight as he has an an event coming up and in the past we have always gone out for dinner afterwards as a family.He had full on tears.

Tapir, I haven't yet thought of photos so that was a brave step for you.I'm sure your ex cares but in a way that makes sense to him.I suspect his love is shallow and superficial and It will be the same whoever he is with.

You will have a bright futureso keep the faith.

Jaffa, you deserve an award for living with your ex..I hope you are not getting too ground down by it.

Hello everyone, may I join you? Been separated for two years next month - but neither of us can afford to serve the papers!

X wants mediation - not sure how he thinks that will be afforded either.

Although we have been separated for so long it was only really truly clearly over two months ago as he had been hiding quite a lot, so although it sounds as though I should be further along in the grieving process, I'm still only recently accepting really.

Hare - are you entitled to financial help with the petition fees?

If you agree terms between yourselves then you don't need to pay for mediation.

My wasband has suggested that our consent order states we have agreed the child maintenance between ourselves and neither party will involve the CSA. I've told him there's no way I'm having that in it - would it even be enforceable? If he doesn't pay or pays too little I will definitely be involving the CSA. He tried to tell me that it was in my favour to have that in it as it meant he couldn't go to the CSA and claim he was paying too much - although the amount we have agreed matches the CSA calculator based on his current salary.