Further support for those starting the divorce process

[NotJanine]

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other

Hi all - sounds like we're all still wading through treacle. I've just caught up with 3-4 pages in one go so please forgive me as I've slightly lost track of what's happening to who!

stbxh has just told me he's going to counselling, "as I can't relate to people"...suggested he should have tried that before he ruined our family! Twat

Sounds familiar...mine was convinced he was a changed man within 10 days of my leaving him - he also attempted counselling etc. His behaviour since I started divorce proceedings makes it very clear it's simply a case of emperor's new clothes.

My ex pulled a similar stunt re backing DD and I into a corner wrt her meeting his new gf. There was a family event that DD very much wanted to attend but was initially excluded from by insane exMIL. He managed to talk MIL round so DD was all excited about going then announced GF would also be attending.He then had the bloody cheek to try and get DD to tell me about it instead of telling me himself - fuckwit.

Mermaid I have to say I like your attitude. I fluctuate between a very similar outlook and being at the end of my rope with frustration.

My nickname for Wasband is Captain Cactus...as in the meme below . I saw a doormat with cacti on today so I know what I'll be getting him as a new home gift once we get the house sold and places of our own.

Still no further along that road. Sorted out a lot of stuff at the house on Wednesday but still tons to do. Just can't wait for it to all be over.

Back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks off. I really enjoy my job and have the most lovely colleagues but it's full time and full on which makes it really difficult to deal with any other practicalities. DD is always around and of course with living with my parents still so I have virtually no privacy or time to switch off properly. It's incredibly stressful. I was back for a fortnight prior to Easter after having 2 weeks off with stress previously and the holidays came at just the right time. This half term is only 5 weeks with and Inset day and a bank holiday so manageable but I've still started experiencing anxiety symptoms over the last couple of days - mild panic attack yesterday, but of feeling faint and nauseous earlier followed by feeling really shivery.

Haven't taken diazepam at all over the hols but not sure how much longer that will last.

Here's hoping we all have a slightly more positive week ahead.

How Wasband got his nickname...

Great update Pandora thanks, best of luck back at work, remember that you are part of an elite group who can even remotely cope in the nightmare that is education now, hats off to you!! .
Stbxh said tonight that our situation (house big enough to avoid me, hobby that takes him out all the time, easy peasy highly paid job, stbxw cooperating fully with his divorce, is 'purgatory'. If only, he could with some of that ...

I'll have to think of a name for my one.

They are such self obsessed arseholes aren't they (another of my new hobbies is singing along to Muse's Supermassive Black Hole but changing Black Hole to arsehole )

Mine is constantly whining about how he wants to 'move on' with his life and can't until this is over. So he's got the run of our home which he rarely uses, a new girl friend, a job with a 3pm finish and 17 weeks holiday a year and he's struggling to move on?!

Wanker

Pandora, love, love that nickname!

I thought updated earlier but must have lost it.
I'm doing good, some days are just lower and I think my hormones are a big factor, exasperated by stress no doubt.
There are a lot of positives, the sun is shinning and I don't have to walk on eggshells plus I not as upset as I was when stbxh was around.I am looking forward to my new life and feel happier generally.

Jaffa I know you are stuck with your ex in the house.All I can say is when you are free of him you will feel enormous relief.

Sailing, what is your ex like? Has he been reasonable so far? My mediation went badly but in reflection I should have expected it as he was hostile beforehand as soon as money was discussed.I think had I prepared myself for the worse then it would have been better.A strong mediator should make it an ok process.

Tapir, I was recommended phenergan by my gp for sleepless nights and it really works for me.I hope you are bearing up ok.

There seems to be so many awful men out there, such a shame we can't brand these men as "an mn twat" just so other women don't have to suffer.Stbxh would appear so charming you would think both his ex wives must be crazy as it couldn't be him.

Thanks Hermonie, I have to arrange an appointment with the nurse next week anyway. I'll mention that.

Unfortunately my ex's current woman knows all about about his cheating. She was one of the 3 he was cheating on me with and knew about the others, cheated on her own husband with mine, even though she has two young children. She also knows that he didn't commit to seeing her alone, and to leaving me, until I found out about his adultery and filed for divorce. She is an absolute idiot thinking that he is a good bet for a relationship. I'd feel sorry for her if she wasn't also lying, cheating scrum.

He has text tonight to inform me that he is putting our, jointly owned, foreign house up for sale. I have sent my solicitor an email asking for advice. Surely he can't do that without my permission and before our finances are agreed? I am fighting the compulsion to reply with "fuck off you c*"

Pandora that is one of my very favourite tracks. Respect . Have you heard Army of Me Bjork and Skunk Anansie. That's a good one!
Tapir I second Phenergan, take it early though it takes a good 12 hours to wear off.
Good luck this week, all

I haven't heard that one but I do have a whole BUS (break up songs) play list on my phone. I'll share it later when I have more time.

Crcaking start to new term/week - took aged to go to sleep last night then had horrific nightmares - not specifically about CC but am sure they must be related to stress. There was a horrible bloke/blokes who was trying to control me and make me do horrible things and I was trying to escape from him but kept ending up back in the same place as I started. It was somewhere I didn't recognise but I was kind of aware of being in my bedroom and feeling terrified.

Briefly woke up and realised it was a dream then fell asleep and went straight back into it and woke up in tears - utterly grim.

at Captain Cactus - love it!

Sorry to hear about your bad night Pandora, hope your day improves. "Moving on" seems to be a stock phrase for all these knob heads, I guess it's a lot easier for them given that their only responsibility is themselves, and in the case of my STBXH, the moving on process had started way before he even left!!

Tapir I'm sure your X couldn't sell a jointly owned home without your authority in the UK but maybe the legal system is different in the country where your house is? But even if it's legal there it's clearly ethically wrong - I would succumb to your compulsion Hope your solicitor can help you get it sorted.

I'm feeling crap today, the weather's beautiful and it makes me think of last Summer when we went to a festival with the kids, had a fabulous holiday, some lovely days out and I thought we were just your average happy family. Now I wonder whether he was with OW even then and I was just a blindly oblivious mug. I literally despise him for what he's done but at the same time I feel bereft that we will never be a "family unit" again. And even worse that not only does he have a whole new set up with OW and her DD but that he's trying to recreate the whole thing with my DC and her it's so fucked up and unfair I can't bear it.

SoMuch Thinking of you, hope you're okay.

Totally agree Johnny. I used to perform with stbxh at local gigs, so have lost that too... bastard.
Pandora so sorry you had nightmares, they are part of dealing with it aren't they?..I haven't had any yet but had appalling nightmares before marriage/kids exhausted me, not looking forward to that stage, I do think we have to go through it...you are nearer to the end of that bit now! Also uses up some calories so you can have one of these

I dreamed the other day that my ex chose his ow over me because she had a Nobel prize for underwear design!

I have spoken to my solicitor and on her advice contacted the estate agents to explain the situation and advise that the house is jointly owned and that they can't act on his instructions alone. The ee sent me a lovely response and he will be unable to market the property without my signature :)

He's coming round this week to tinker with one of the cars in the garage. I might have written a very rude word in the dust on the bonnet...

I hope everyone's had an ok day.

I might have written a very rude word in the dust on the bonnet

That's hilarious . When I went to pick some stuff up from the house last week there was a thick layer of dust on the glass TV unit (it's blatantly obvious that he's barely living there yet he refuses to admit it).

I drew a cactus in it.

LOL Tapir!
Years ago when my Dad left, taking the new Triumph Herald (!) with him, my Mum found it and scratched 'My Half' down one side, with a key. Just an idea.

Since X left he has had DS every weekend except for the odd one or two where he's had something more pressing to do. Consequently I get to do the nagging to go to bed / get up, school run, homework, etc etc and never get a full day with DS just to do fun stuff. X then sweeps in at the weekend for the whole Disney Dad show.

I casually suggested to DS last night that maybe he could spend the odd weekend at home but because he can't see his dad during the week at all he's reluctant to do so.

I obviously don't want to force DS to spend some quality time here against his will but am completely gutted, not least at the injustice of it all. X fucks off and yet I'm the one being punished. DS is ultimately going to be spending most weekends with OW. I went to bed sobbing and after a few hours broken sleep I'm crying again. I have to get the kids up in a minute and I feel like I'm on the brink of losing it.

That's really not fair JM

I know what you mean about getting all the shit to deal with - it's like good cop/bad cop isn't it? I feel envious that wasband gets to spend time doing fun stuff with them when they never want to do anything with me (teen boys). He never did stuff with them when we were together either, he was always pretty irritable and lacked patience with them.

I think you need to negotiate something different. Is there no way at all that he can have DS during the week - does he live too far away? If not, then maybe you should alternate weekends or he goes for full weekend one week and then Sat or Sun the next weekend.
If DS has homework to do then he should take that to do when he is with X

I am loving the rude words in the dust!

Well, the child is here.
He sent a text on Sunday evening saying he was pleased to tell me that a girl had arrived.
Pleased to tell me? That was a red rag to a bull I'm afraid, especially as I was with my youngest son cuddling him while he cried about being so stressed, right when that text came.
I told him he coukd carry on being pleased, the rest of us weren't going to be pleased. I told him about our son and how upset he was, because of him.
He ignored that and called our other son, asking him to put his phone his phone on loudspeaker and go to his brother. He then told them about the baby. At 10 at night. On the phone. They hardly said a word...well, my youngest said nothing at all, he just had tears running down his face.
Afterwards they were white and visibly shaken (they did know about the baby btw) and very upset. So, again, I made sure they were comforted, and eventually ok to go to sleep. Yesterday morning my youngest son came downstairs and threw his arms around me and cried.
I hate him for doing this to our children.

I also spoke to our eldest son who called shortly after the 'news' and he said he hadn't said much to his father either. He said it was like his father expected them all to be happy about it. But they aren't. He's 23 and works 4 hours away but he's coming down at the weekend for a week 😊 He's incredible. They all are. They all know they are my world and I'd never do anything to hurt them.
I had an exchange of words with that man by text last night. He says things like 'thank you for our amazing boys' and 'I want to fix all of this' and 'it'll all be fine'. He lives in cloud cuckoo land. He does none of the emotional support, instead preferring to pretend all is fine. Everything is down to me to get the boys through this and I have no idea how to do that and prevent long term damage.

Somuch sounds like you are doing a fantastic job with your DCs. Minimise contact with STBXH.

The call he made to your youngest 2 sounds horrendous. I think at this delicate stage they should be in control of any contact they have with him. And he needs to understand the devastation he has caused to their lives and respect that.

Contact with him is on their terms entirely. Well, when he listens. They don't stay with him through choice and they want nothing to do with the woman he has shacked up with. He normally sees them here at their request, occasionally they go out but not often. I'm ok with that, I'll do whatever makes it easier for the boys. What he wants is for them to live two separate lives instead of him. That's not eirking out so well for him at the moment.

I remind them that they have control over their choices, nobody else. That they should do what is doable for them, not for anyone else, including me.

Fair play to you, that's some good, selfless advice you're giving them there.

So much - what a shit way to tell the kids. I'm sorry he's being such a dickhead.

I've been to solicitor today. She's going to do a letter setting out the financial agreement and send it to stbxh's solicitor. If he agrees, then it'll be sent to court to be approved and hopefully all sorted in the next few weeks. Am now panicking about where to live - struggling to find a rental in budget that is big enough and they go so quickly that I hardly get chance to view any cos I work full time.

Somuch, Your boys will be ok in the end because you are there for them.Awful situation for them but you will get them through this.They must be so confused as whilst they love their dad I doubt they can respect him.They must also hate what he has done to you.