Further support for those starting the divorce process

[NotJanine]

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other

Hello Gotta yes stress can be a funny thing, be kind to yourself. I'm sleeping a lot, surprisingly, but an waking up early which I think is a bad sign!! I really didn't want the divorce and it was a shock unlike most others on here. I find it useful hearing how you are all thinking, although hurtful sometimes as stbxh must be thinking similarly. However mostly we feel the same, as we are women. Hope you make some progress today

Hi gottobreak I have found that this process is totally exhausting physically and mentally at times, be kind to yourself and take each day, or even hour, one at a time.

my weekend was really good. I met lots of lovely women, some of whom are going through a similar situation to me with cheating ex's. It was very much about getting rid of the negativity in our lives, whatever that might be - a certain person/anxiety/inadequacy/illness etc - and being kinder to ourselves. We wrote letters to who or what was bringing us down and burnt them, and then wrote letters to ourselves as if from someone who really loves and cares for us. There was meditation, and yoga on the beach as well as throwing stones symbolising our negative things into the sea. I slept like a log last night for the first time in ages!

Today is two weeks since my mediation meeting. My ex said that he'd have a decision for me within two weeks and I've had nothing, not even the financial info that he had failed to provide at our meeting. sigh

Tapir that's sounds like a great weekend. I have woken much much calmer than I have been in months. I also feel so much love for him in a different kind of way. But at the same time knowledge that we are bad for each other. Hes not a bad person and nor am I but we really bring the worst out of each other It's awful that I am hurting him as he says he doesnt want to split although deep down I think he does.

I am so sad it has come to this. And scared. But I think we would both be happier and he will never initiate it. I would like it to be amicable but fear it won't. Tearful but calm. I will always love him but that isn't enough. We have never respected each other enough. We only really get on when I am stepford wife like. We both need someone to look out for a each other but can't or don't do that for each other

Have realised I don't need to self Medicate or be anxious any more. Just need to become myself again and can't do that with him. I feel so sorry for him. And me. And our DD

Feeling stronger today we'll couldn't have got any lower I guess he's feeling the same but still doesn't help it's all so painful. Just sending hugs to everyone out there been going through this hell x
Unfortunately I did have an affair which in in hindsight was wrong but I was so distant from him for so long.... sorry I know it makes me bad this is why he's trying to make me suffer..... I felt like I had suffered anyway being so unhappy and unheard for so long. Hope that my dc's will be ok putting my heart and soul into them again xxx

Gotta that's quite what my stbxh thinks, helpful for me to read. I have fallen out of any kind of love for him immediately, as he told our adult children months ago he was going to divorce me and asked DD not to tell me. He's despicable, and seems like a child to me now. They've all come back from a weekend away for his birthday, all chatty and laughing. I cooked them a dinner and have now come to bed. Changing my Will tomorrow. Sleep tight all

Proper I'm really sorry to hear that. That was a cruel thing for your stbxh to do. Nasty

My OH knows my feelings. I have been begging him for a divorce for months and trying to get him to talk about it for well over a year. I have only just told my family this weekend. They had no idea and thought things were difficult but OK. I had just been bottling it up and trying to get through to him

Today he has text to say we will get through it as we always do.

Gotta- it's so difficult isn't it, I was a chicken and asked for some space first. I admit I wanted to miss him but was nothing but elated when he had gone. Is this an option for you ?

Sun. No there is no way he would leave. He doesn't respect me enough to even contemplate it. He thinks he can bulldoze through this again to get what he wants

Usually I want everything at breakneck speed..But I know this will take time and U have time. Yes I want out but the house has to sell...its not looking good on that front. It's a house he chose againdt my wishes....he manipluated the dituation as his dad had just died....its in the wrong location and he spent too much on it. I will wait and drop the price next month

Hiya both useful to read this, obviously you were both adult about it...we have done Relate in the past, but moved for a new start and his job 5 years ago. That's worked out well and I thought we were heading for a happy retirement together. But all the time he was waiting for DD to get to Uni. Sorry to sound a bit melodramatic! He gets his pension this week it's astonishing the difference between his and mine even though I've always worked until I retired. Still, I'll be getting some of that!!
I've had similar experience to you Gotta, we lost money on our first crappy flat that he chose. Your stbxh sounds a bit like me in character though, head in the sand and blind to all the warning signs! Also spending money on the house! Hope you're both able to keep it calm and civil for the kids, am sure you will as you're the Mum! We're gonna reduce our house price, the market is flooded round here now. Good luck today ladies x

I'm sorry to hear that Proper. Mine is a bully. Pure and simple. Shouting at me this morning. When I asked why hevonly treats me this way I was told because I am the only one that deserves it. Because I am not bowing to his will he is losing it. He has lost power and it is slowly dawning. His parents had an awful divorce that affected him badly. I will rise above this. He can fight himself. I refuse to be the person he wants me to be

On Number I've read good advice 'always take the moral high ground' which has really helped me control my grief and anger. Stbxh says I'm a bully, when I wouldn't agree or give in to him, and I think he is, or was. He's very happy ATM. Good for you staying calm, it's best for everyone . Off to change my Will now.

STBX has finally done Form E - guessing my income and working/child tax credits! I specifically asked him to tell me when he'd done what he needed to do and I'd supply that information (as I'd changed hours at work and wanted as up-to-date tax credits info as I could get). But did he ask again? No. I have the email as proof, where I asked him to ask again nearer the time he was finished and he responded to it at the time.
This is not the time for guessing!

Also, am I right in thinking I could have filled my half in, not just given him the figures? I have nothing to hide but it seems very one sided and wikivorce is confusing to me! Or do I have to complete a Form E myself?

Found out the other day, after I picked up DS and all his stuff from Uni, that he only knew his Dad had moved (again) cos the mobile phone company text DS to mention a change of address! He did even tell him first. Charming. I have no idea what STBX is thinking at this stage. Maybe I never really did.

itsovernow you need to fill a form e in each, not just a joint one for both of you.

That's what I thought. So really I need his one so I can fill his side in as well don't I?
Tbh he's the one leading everything on this and he's giving me minimal information about anything.

There are no sides on the form e - you fill one in with just your information and he fills one in with just his information, then you swap them

Yes, upon closer inspection of the Form there's nowhere for my information to go. So why did he want my details then? I am now more confused than before.

Whatever reason itsover, don't trust him 😁

Oh I don't!! I have no issue with giving my details as long as it's a pukka request.

This whole situation is confusing me (forms are my nightmare!) and I feel stupid asking, so I tend not to and then get more confused.

Hello, hope you're all ok.

I've been so busy. After moving, I also had an interview for another role at work (despite just getting a promotion. It is a role I wanted 2.5 years ago), got it and am now doing a phased move into new role. Will be a little extra money once i go on the on call rota (done from home so no issues with childcare).

Divorce seems to have just gone on hold - both solicitors have had holidays. A bit fed up with it because stbxh clearly now sees the house as 'his' and has taken my name off the insurance policy so I really want to crack on with getting it all done. Struggling practically with uniform/clothes/shoes type of stuff and contact - never seem to have what I need.

Ladies I learned something today. Have you changed your Will, because who knows how long you will be in this limbo? Do you want your half to go to him if you had an accident this week?...and, if the house is in your joint names like it is for most married couples, what you can do is unilaterally give notice that you are now tenants in common. This means that half of the house belongs to your estate, until it's sold or signed over as part of the finance agreement. . It's the kind of thing friends do when they go into joint ownership. Stbxh can't do anything about it. It was satisfying to write that today, another petty victory but legally totally sensible. Sleep tight

Yeah, my SOL asked me about the tenants in common thing. I said no initially, now having 2nd thoughts tbh. We never had Wills either.

So OH is leaving me alone at the moment apart from the occasional demand about I find out xyz for him which I am ignoring. I've moved into sons old room and he's leaving me alone

I feel a little stronger and realise It's not me IT'S HIM! He is a bloody emotional abuser. The shouting the jealousy the undermining my career and plans. The snide comments about my friends and family. The rows. The manipulation and silks and threats. The treating me like a child and ignoring me
The gaslighting and pretending he told me x or called me or text me...when he didn't. The every single holiday or event he has spoiled. Every single one. My DC deserve more than this spoilt abusive man child. I have been so depressed I couldn't even see it. Which is whatbis likes the perverse pig

I'm waking up! I read this and he does every single thing apart from one. That's 29 red flags!

liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

I'm signing up with a counsellor. I want to make sure I'm strong enough to leave and never ever have that bastardo back

Go girl! Well done Gotta. My DM says synch is an EA. I'm not sure, yes he has ruined some social occasions s for me, it's mainly due to alcohol abuse. But I'm not sure about these labels everyone's throwing around. But we'll done on being so posit, you're on the bright track for you, keep strong and good luck!!

Sounds like everyone is having a crap time with this. To be expected I guess. Hugs to all.

When your STBX asks (demands) things like income etc.. do you give them the details or ask to go through their solicitor? I'm asking my SOL but they haven't replied yet.

I claim tax credits which stop next August (2018) when DD is 18 and I save, mainly for the divorce costs and a new (used) car (or fix old one!) and am now worried that by doing this I've shot myself in the foot. I don't spend the tax credits, just save them as my wage wouldn't allow me to save anything. I can't pay the solicitor out of thin air! Now I'm thinking this will get used against me and I shouldn't have bothered claiming them.
They're also overpaying me so I know I will get a bill when the credits stop for payment.

Literally worrying myself silly over this. I've told STBX about the credits situation but he'll ignore it and try to screw me over, even though he will have his nice £50k+ salary to keep him warm after the divorce. I won't.
Thanks for any advice.

Hey guys I'm filling out the D036 form to apply to decree absolute and the first bit says "Petitioner applies for the decree nisi/conditional order made in their favour (DD/MM/YYYY) to be made absolute/final.

It's a stupid question but what date am I supposed to put in there? Is it the date where the judge announces the decree nisi in court?
I know it's so simple and I think that's why my mind has gone blank!
Sorry in advance for the ridiculous question