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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Further support for those starting the divorce process

678 replies

NotJanine · 11/04/2017 09:22

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other Smile

OP posts:
Properjob · 14/06/2017 19:10

My stbxh is covering himself by booking a meal out with him and the kids. In the past I have planned wonderful imaginative days out for him. I'm going to see my Dad, unusually, he left us when I was 18, going to be a weird experience.

It's also his birthday soon, he's taking the kids away to see his family. I've got things to do over that weekend but not sure I can face him first thing on his birthday morning. What do you think ladies? Any ideas?
Hope you all have a little treat organised for yourself for the 18th...

Original poster
NotJanine · 15/06/2017 14:27

Proper - on his birthday can you just go out early and come back after they have all left to see his family?

I think mine are going out for a meal with wasband. I just don't get involved, they're old enough to sort it all out themselves.

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 18/06/2017 16:27

Just checking how everyone is doing?

Original poster
NotJanine · 19/06/2017 14:10

Patiently waiting for solicitor to send paperwork through...

OP posts:
Hardym · 19/06/2017 14:35

Yep. Also waiting for paperwork to come for husband. I told him last night that he was going to get them this week. He went absolutely mental starting crying and hitting himself in the head telling me how I'm about to destroy everything our lives our boys lives. He said as soon as he gets the papers he's quitting his job and letting us lose the house become homeless etc etc...

I told him to grow a pair and start acting like an adult and walked off!!

Seriously though if he does quit we are f**ked... but it will be whatever it will be I'm done. It's just another example of his controlling behaviour

Confusedg1rl · 19/06/2017 17:01

Hey guys, just a quick update. I sent my amended D80B form 2 weeks ago and emailed to ask for an update. I got an email back saying it's been forwarded to a legal advisor
Does anyone know what this means? I'm so confused and the lines closed now so I can't call and find out.

Bobbins43 · 22/06/2017 12:07

Just checking in. Hope everyone is doing OK. Still waiting for bailiffs to deliver the papers to my STBXH. Almost two months now. And my mother is almost daily encouraging me to not get a divorce.

How is everyone?

TheTapir · 22/06/2017 12:40

I'm another who's just waiting around at the moment. I'm waiting for a response from my ex - he said I'd have one in about two weeks - which is up on Monday and also for some more bank info from him.

I'm off away on a "shed the shit" retreat in Wales this weekend I'm hoping it helps to stop me dwelling on him!

NearlyFree17 · 22/06/2017 14:07

TheTapir Id love to know more about the "shed the shit" retreat, that sounds right up my street!

Bobbins43 · 22/06/2017 14:36

It really shouldn't take this long to get a divorce FFS

Properjob · 23/06/2017 08:21

Morning all I've had a sh*t week and to top it all Mumsnet won't render properly on my phone since software up graded typing this 1 char per sec. So, nisi is July 4th . DS has been roasting me all week as he works thru his feelings by dumping on me. Stbxh blames me for house not selling. My DF has left everything to his wife nothing to DB and me. DSIL keeps trying to convert me to her extreme Christianity but I can't upset her as otherwise she's been lovely. DM and DD are lovely. It's Stbxh birthday today he's taking kids away for weekend. this is what divorce feels like and I hate it.

Properjob · 23/06/2017 08:46

OK so found a workaround. Sorry to be negative ladies I know you are all having a sh*t time too. Relationship with DS is improving but having him back here is casing tensions. He is working towards a new start in our nearest city. Am sat here waiting for them to all go so I can get ready to see friends here today, have filled my weekend with things to do while they all go away for what used to be a family weekend. But at least I do have friends to do that with! I'm so desperate that my children will not be damaged by this don't want this behaviour to carry on through the generations. I can honestly see why families wanted to arrange marriages to 'good' families with no history of the kind of thing! Hope you have a nice weekend ladies I'm going to do my damndest xx

Hermonie2016 · 23/06/2017 11:15

Proper, rant away, it's just super tough some days.Even if divorce wasn't happening it could be the same but stress levels with divorce do go through the roof.

Tapir, you must share your progress..I really hope it's enjoyable!

suntansally · 23/06/2017 12:06

Can he really win my 4 dcs 50% of the time even though I've been SAHM for 15 years whilst he grew a business desperate please advise I'm still in family home

Properjob · 23/06/2017 16:03

Suntan hello. Sorry you are worried He is doing this probably to avoid having to give you maintenance? You may be expected to work, but can challenge him on the children if not in their best interests. Do you have a good solicitor? Try not to worry too much but get legal advice have you had your free half hour with solicitor before you choose one? [Flowers]

gottobreak · 25/06/2017 12:33

Hi can I join? Just had the night from hell with OH and the straw has broken the camels back.

I've repeatedy asked him to talk about divorcing over the last few months. He has ignored me. I will be taking legal advise this week to kick start the divorce

Feel like hell. He is sloop controlling and jealous. We don't have sex unless I beg. He ignores me so much I feel i dont exist which is ironic given his jealousy. I realise he has effectively made every major decision for us over our relationship. All my family have seen his outbursts and are supporting me...in fact asked me to leave him months ago

I've had 2 cancer scares in 6 months which he was shit over. I have a huge visible scar from one. Also had terrible time at work and left. He is setting up a business we moved city . So much stress and change. I am broken.

But. How do you get over the feelings of love? I know he isn't good for me but after 17 years together even tho I want the divorce so am heart broken.

On the positive a have a couple of interviews coming up. We own the house outright so I will have enough to get a small house. But the thought of the shouting and crying and wedding he will do fills me with dread

We have a 6yo DC too. I am worried about the effect on them. Please say this is just a journey and it will be ok

I know I can't stay with him. It's killing me

gottobreak · 25/06/2017 12:37

Oh and I'm 46. Feeling old and past it. But at the same time feel I can't waste another day on the moron. So conflicted

Properjob · 25/06/2017 13:01

I am 60 soon Break, only to say...we can and will get through this. He is not supporting or loving you, if after careful thought you want to divorce them then don't put it off. My stbxh did, I bloody wish I was 46 now (also had a child at 40). Can you get a male friend or relative to make him leave or can you still share your house? In my case we are remaining civil but yours may not. Welcome, and good luck, keep us posted Flowers

gottobreak · 25/06/2017 13:08

Thank you Proper

I'm not physically scared of him and no he won't leave. I can and am moving into my older sons room (he is an adult and has moved out). He won't be civil I know he won't but I'm hoping I can push through. O have noticed recently that strangers in RL are kinder to me than him. And.isnt it

Went through this with my sons dad 18 years ago. The difference was I didn't love him so it was easier I think

That's what my sister said. She asked if I could grow old with him. The idea fills me with dread. So no I can't.

gottobreak · 25/06/2017 13:10

Positive is house on market anyway. It just needs to sell. I will start looking for a house. If I plan it I can make it happen...I hope

JaffaCakesMum · 25/06/2017 15:23

Gotto, welcome to our support group. You will have lots of emotional highs and lows from now on. Expect him to get nasty when you start talking about the finances. Just be really careful that you don't start becoming physically scared of him. Your situation sounds similar to mine. I'm 50 and have still been living in the same house for the last year since I called it a day. That was until a couple of weeks ago when he got arrested. Sorry for being negative but if you are prepared for the worst then hopefully it'll be better than that.

I was going to email STBXH some stuff to do with selling the house but was advised not to as it could be construed as inciting him to break his bail conditions. So I'm stuck until I see my solicitor next week. I'm feeling a little better in myself after what happened and slowly but surely thethree of us are becoming more relaxed at home. It was lovely having all three of us sitting in the lounge with lots of banter last night. Normally the girls would just take to their own rooms.

gottobreak · 25/06/2017 15:46

Jaffa Thank you. That sounds awful. I'm glad your DC are feeling a little more secure now.

I don't think he would get physical but I guess you never know. Confused. I think I would be prepared to defend myself physically and legally and he knows that. But he is stupid so who knows

The house has been on the market anyway as we wanted to sell. The quicker the better in my view.

I have a question. If I get a job next week I will be earning significantly more than him (after I have spent 5 years as SAHP). He used to earn an awful lot but his business is being built up but he does have the ability to go back into what he previously did

So I am prepared to walk away with 50:50 of everything including residency of DC and paying DC school fees and therapy (she has sen) If he doesnt want joint residency then I will ask for more. If I do get the job could they make me pay him maintenance? its not a mega bucks job but is higher earner technically

I just want out now. He has no significant pension and I have 20 years at least earning capacity so I don't want it anyway.

Crap old car. He does have a watch collection but I'm not interested in going after things for the sake of it. Is there anything else I should be thinking about? His business could well take off in the next year or two...but I think that muddies the water and I might want to keep out of taking that into account

It's so sad. It's a great dad. But a really crap husband

Properjob · 25/06/2017 16:56

Unless it goes to court it's mostly up to you Gotto and synch to agree with half each. So yes if you're technically earning more you could....can't you wait a bit? Sharing business assets is a nightmare I understand, but you could ask for a share of he Hindustan on some of your salary. All assets over 500 should be considered, but we've found that's surprisingly little on present values. If you want a quick divorce then unreasonable behaviour is threat to go with not having sex a key factor, you need three or four. Good luck

Properjob · 25/06/2017 16:56

The way to go,not threat!

gottobreak · 25/06/2017 17:21

Thanks Proper I love your predictive text Hindustan made me laugh and I need that

No I can't delay tbh. I need to earn to make me feel separate from him emotionallY

I think I can easily get 4 and many many more. It's odd I feel so verybphysucally tired now I have decided. I fainted this week for the first time in 20 years. I think my body has had enoughHmm

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