Further support for those starting the divorce process

[NotJanine]

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other

I have to admit to being a little jumpy this evening. I did contemplate reporting him to the police but that will just make things worse. I'm probably more upset that I let him get to me. It's definitely time for me to come up with a plan b. I'll speak to bestie tomorrow, she always helps to keep me grounded.

Jaffa

Tell him if he threatens or touches you one more time you will go straight to the police... I said this to my husband when he grabbed my collar and pushed me and he's never laid a finger on me since. In fact when he has got a little excited I've turned round and said 'make it really easy for me why don't you'. Believe me it's scary at the time but they'll never do it again. And if he does you should definitely call the police. Hope you're okay xx

Jaffa that is threatening behaviour can you or get the police in at least they will warn him. You must be scared, I'm so sorry. It's probably all bluster though. Don't give in, keep insisting. I can't remember if you are married, sorry, but you can't be forced to give up the family home he needs to compensate you in some way if you do leave. Hang in there

Whoops sorry extra page I didn't notice! Welcome Pan1974 sorry to hear your marriage seems to be over. Many of us are living in same house as stbxh still. Do you have a male relative who can persuade him to leave? Reassure him it has no effect on financial settlement, he will have to give you a house for you and the kids anyway, unless he is SAHD? Be strong and good luck, you will get good advice here

Thanks properjob.... he is very antisocial and a bit of a recluse so we have no friends and he doesn't speak to anyone in either of our families except for his mum who is being no help at all... in fact she's adding fuel to the fire.

He said he will be as difficult as he possibly can so I'm in for the long haul but I'm determined to get out of this prison!!

He knows exactly what I'm entitled to as he's been to a solicitor which is why he's not going to play ball even though I've said money is not the main issue here for me I'd rather be poor but happy

Jaffa - that is terrible. I echo what others have said about calling the police if it happens again

Pan - welcome and sorry to hear about your situation. Is he planning on you all moving together to a new home once you've sold yours?

NotJanine.. thank you! Well every time I ask him that question he ignores me and says he doesn't want to talk about it. I don't think I have a choice I have to serve him papers now or this will drag on forever. I'm lucky I'm on the deeds to the house so nothing will happen without my say but equally he has same rights so only divorce will force his hand if he has any other plans.

For those men that are in denial is it better to tell them the papers are coming so that it's not too much of a shock?? I know I shouldn't care but living in the same house isn't easy and we have 2 boys too to think about x

Jaffa, hope you are ok..x

Pan, my story, stbxh and I were in the house and we put it up for sale however stbxh would not agree a reasonable settlement so I had to stop house sale as I would have been in rented, reducing my equity on rent whilst he was in no rush to agree finances.I have now applied to court for financial remedy.Stbxh did however move out although we were in the house for 2 months post decision.We managed to be ok, I mostly went to another room but it was a big relief when he left.

So my thoughts are, don't move ahead on house sale unless there is agreement on equity otherwise it will be held by solicitors.

I would definitely give him warning of petition, even send him a draft of the proposed wording.
If he's in denial he will need time to process it, react and then calm down. Be gentle but consistent and he will have to accept the reality.

Tapir, how are you doing?

Thanks everyone, I'm fine. I had to be creative at work today so that took up a lot of space in my mind - it was good as I really enjoy my work. I was apprehensive coming home this evening but tried to avoid him. He did however walk into the lounge and stand in the doorway saying 'whilst you are here...' I turned my back on him and walked towards the window. He had a go at me for doing that and then went into another room. I will do my best to avoid him for the rest of the evening.

Having a bit of a down and angry day today. It's looking increasingly likely that my ex has contacted the agents who manage our rental property and has changed the bank account that the rent is paid into. It's always been paid into one of my accounts so I pay the tax on it and is then transferred to our joint account to pay the bills for our foreign property. I can see why he's done it, because it's joint money and the mortgage abroad needs paying but he's not discussed it at all. I am also fuming at the agents who are not responding to my questions about where is my rent .money and although they've only ever dealt with me appear to have accepted a change of bank details that could have come from anyone.

I do have an appointment with the other solicitor on Thursday. My ex is supposed to be providing a year's worth of bank statements before mediation on Monday but I expect that I won't get them until the last minute. I really feel like there needs to be someone who can judge his shitty behaviour and deal with it, like a parent, teacher or boss, but until we get to court there is no one and he can just continue to be a twat, spending all of our money and doing exactly what he likes. He, and only he, has access to a very large amount of cash and he seems to be doing his best to spend it all. I do wonder if some of this behaviour is to get a response from me as apparently he is quite put out and doesn't understand why "tapir is not talking to me"!!!

On top of that, two of my animals are now ill and not improving so I have lots of stress and some large vet bills too.

Tapir - that sounds very bad of the rental agents. I hop you can get that sorted asap.

Why do people have to be such twats, like your ex. It is so annoying that there isn't some better and quicker way of dealing with these idiots. It really shouldn't be this complicated and long-winded.

Sorry to hear about your pets hope they are ok.

Thanks NotJanine. After having a crap night last night both of my pets are slightly improved this morning, fingers crossed it continues! The rental agents are still not answering me though...

And Jaffa, sorry I didn't really read the thread last night - I hope you are ok.

Hi All,
All quiet for me as just in the wait for court..its amazingly unstressful but I know it won't last as ramp up to court will be tough.

Tapir, how are your pets?

Sending everyone positive vibes and lots of
and and

Both my pets are doing well! Typically one of them improved dramatically on the day I had arranged to see the vet again, but it was too late for me to cancel so that was a waste of money.

I went to see the other solicitor at the practice yesterday. He's a bit more forthright than mine and has given me some tips on what exactly to say at the mediation session on Monday but he doesn't think that this will be solved by mediation. He's given me more confidence about the court process too and said that a judge would never allow what my ex is trying to do. I am feeling better about Monday now as I was feeling the pressure to either get it sorted then or face court.

I have finally received 12 month's worth of bank statements from him so I have some homework to do over the weekend. I've also spotted a job vacancy that would be perfect for me so I need to do some work on my cv and the perfect covering letter. It's been 15 years since I applied for a job so I am a bit nervous.

Hermonie how long is it until your first court hearing? It looks like I am likely to be in the same position soon.

I hope everone manages to have a good weekend :)

Tapir good to here you have a bit of confidence for Monday. I think knowing where you are going is half the battle.

Had I not be going to work in an hour I'd be contacting the police about what happened on Sunday. Somebody said to me a few months ago that I should do it due to his escalating behaviour and I just don't know what will happen next. I think that was probably good advice. I feel that if he ever did touch me then he would most likely not be able to stop himself and I'd most likely end up dead. I know that sounds dramatic but I can't help how I feel. I'm going to contact the police over the next couple of days just to get some advice.

Hermonie, I admire how you are able to not worry about what is coming. I know that time will come, so just enjoy what you've got at the moment.

I don't particularly enjoy the weekends. Whilst we both work on Saturdays, we are both off on Sundays, ie. a day for potential conflict. My mistake is usually seeing at as opportunity to talk to him about selling the house and then he becomes abusive. 'If you keep doing the same things then keep expecting the same results'. But how do I get the house sold if he won't talk to me?

Sorry for the downer.

Tapir, a new job could be absolutely the right step for you.Good luck

Jaffa, really sensible to talk to the police and I think you need to listen to your instinct.His behaviour seems very erratic.I think it's only court that will resolve your situation..so sorry you are going through this, no one deserves to be treated as you are.Vent away as this is what this thread is for, a place to share our worries.

I truly don't know what will happen in court (still weeks away) as ex is managing to hide income but I currently feel "what will be, will be". I doubt the calm will last when I'm facing the reality.
I feel blessed in many ways, lovely healthy and mostly happy children.I have good friends and a family who are very busy with their own lives but do care.Money most definitely helps but I've been poor before (remember 15% interest rates!) and survived.

Good luck with the job application Tapir

Jaffa - hope you get some time to yourself to chill at the weekend.

Hermione - I remember the high interest rates and how much our relatively small mortgage cost us every month!

I'm just waiting for the new solicitor to draw up our consent order. I showed her the one the other solicitor had done and I don't think she was very impressed - lots missed out and in the wrong place apparently. She's not giving me financial advice but I get the impression she thinks I should be getting more than I am. I can't be bothered to fight for it, I just want to be rid of him as soon as possible and be independent.

Monday marks 1 year from when I told him it was over. It is also a milestone birthday of his - no idea if he is doing anything. DSs are going to his tonight, I don't know if they have got him anything, I haven't mentioned it.

Hello all we are all suddenly busy again it seems. Good luck with you job hunting Tapir, you have multiple skills from parenting and managing a house!!
News of the day is that my solicitor informs me that the statement I wrote has been accepted by the judge and degree nisi issued any day. Stbxh still doesn't realise I'm now in control of timings, so I can try to avoid the Big Birthday date in September (think we are similar ages Hermione? My first mortgage was at 15%). Small and petty victories mean a lot, I find. Am away staying with family this week, leaving adult son and stbxh together for the longest time they will ever have spent without me. Hope DS will be OK!! He does need his Dad, of course. It should be good for both of them.
Our big problem is selling the house, there's no interest at all, hopefully now election over may move a bit. So many unknowns in my future! Have a good weekend I hope everyone , Jaffa my dear do contact the police for advice. Don't confront him

Proper - hope you are having a nice weekend

Apparently my kids haven't got wasband anything for his birthday and he's blaming me.

I haven't replied to him. I have no words

That made me smile notjanine what a tool. Keep ignoring him - he doesn't deserve any presents.

NotJanine, I think rather than complain he should reflect on why that is! Glad the new solicitor seems on the ball.If you can live with the settlement and have no regrets then it's absolutely worth getting it done.

Proper, house selling can be stressful at the best of times but in divorce it's even more stressy..election will have slowed everything down so hopefully will move forwards now.

My separation was due to an abusive ex and I think I am going through the anger stage.He's so different to me in front of anyone, all smiles and reasonable behaviour but if we are alone he's vile.I hate that he has to remain in my life due to dc but I know it's not healthy to keep these feelings so may chat to a counsellor.

I'm just back from mediation and I think that we might finally be getting somewhere. It turns out that he is terrified of me "bad mouthing" or "discrediting" him - not sure if it counts as bad mouthing if you're telling people the truth...He's also finding the process "awful" to which I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders like it was nothing to me :)

I am so glad I consulted with the commercial expert last week, it gave me the confidence to try to pin him down on some of the stuff he and his solicitor have said which is blatantly untrue. He's now off to consult with his commercial solicitor but I think that he's at the point that he'll make a 50/50 offer to get it over with.

I'm still thinking about all of the things I should have said but overall I am much happier. Please keep your fingers crossed for me. He thought he might have an answer for me in about 2 weeks, so more waiting.

Hermonie I have been so, so angry. For a long time if I couldn't sleep I'd have fantasies of torturing him in a variety of ways and pouring acid over his whores! I would never have said that I was a violent or angry person but I have surprised myself.

Keeping fingers and everything else crossed for you Tapir Sounds like things are getting sorted.

So, after wasband's birthday we now have Father's Day this weekend. I vaguely mentioned it to the DSs, asking them if they are spending the day with him. It is up to them as to what they want to do about it, buy him anything. If my Dad had done what he's done I would never speak to him again, never mind give him a 'To the best Dad in the world' type of card...

NotJanine, no one mentions having to cope with Father's day when separating..My friend was left for ow when she had 3 very young dc.This year my friend got a card that says "dad you do xyz for me" .Dc have said "but he doesnt"...might be a wake up for her ex!.!

sarcasm in a card?