Further support for those starting the divorce process

[NotJanine]

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other

NotJanine, good news in one way but guess you will need another solicitor.I saw 4 over a 2 year period and feel very grateful with my solicitor.

One was super grabby from the outset charging me literally by the minute and she had left the meeting due to an interrupt which I had to pay for.Another made me feel like I would just have to accept what ex offered.A 3rd was lovely but was going through a divorce herself and would talk about her situation a little too much.
My solicitor has a wonderful mixture of professionism and empathy.I feel she gets the awful process of divorce and that it's real life for me not just a transaction.

Start, it's pretty awful living through the time you are.Emotions are so high but trying to keep it together for the children.

Jaffa, am in see of your spirit.Its been such a long time for you and so stressful.Is the house on the market?

Tapir, hoping by next birthday you will be in a more secure and comfortable place.

Hermonie - shound like you've encountered some dreaadful solicitors. When you're going through something so horrible the last thing you need is someone else messing you about!

I was using a different solicitor that offered a fixed (low) price consent order service, but as wasband had got some advice from them I couldn't use them due to conflict of interest, They then referred me to this muppet. I did see a different one a while back for an hour's advice (ended up nearer 1.5hrs but only charged for 1 hr) so I think I'll use her. I felt she knew what she was doing.

It's my turn to have a birthday. I'm 50 today. I'm not sure where the last 10 years have gone, I certainly don't feel like I should be 50. This morning I got a wee butterfly tattooed on my arm bedside my elbow. This evening I'm going out with a friend. I've got more cards than I expected and whilst I was fast asleep DD2 stayed up until 2am this morning to bake me a cake. I'm really touched by that.

After the events of last night in Manchester I am so grateful to be alive, I'm healthy, I have my girls and some good friends. I will have other birthdays whilst some poor souls won't.

Happy birthday JaffaCakesMum

Happy Birthday Jaffa !!!

How lovely that your DD made a cake. Hope you have a wonderful time this evening

I hope you find a decent solicitor soon NotJanine.

Best wishes to everyone else.

My kids reallly like Ariana Grande - this latest atrocity has knocked me for six. Those poor poor people.

Posted too soon ...meant to say "well said" to Jaffa.

Happy birthday Jaffa & Tapir.

Haven't been around for a few days as have been feeling very low - like everyone else it seems. Weird how it seems to hit us all at the same time .

Came home from work feeling fine on Friday then saw a video on FB that really upset me. It was about fathers and daughters - until a couple of years ago DD and CC had a pretty good relationship and it absolutely broke my heart to think they might never regain that, especially as I have such a close relationship with my own dad. I literally cried all evening & ended up taking a double dose of diazepam in order to calm down enough to sleep.

Started Saturday with a cracking row with mum as per usual which ended up with her in tears being the victim, again as per...

DD spent the day with CC and the GF. She actually had a pretty good time which I'm pleased about but still felt weird.

Sunday was all chores plus I broke my Kindle and the oven clapped out halfway through cooking the Sunday roast, so something of a roller coaster to say the least and still feeling very fragile.

Estate agent is going to take photos tomorrow so house should be on the market by the end of the week.

DD and I are visiting her godmother and family over the bank holiday weekend. It'll be my longest road trip to date - a 2hr+ drive each way. Haven't told my mum yet as cba with the aggro which is bloody ridiculous at my age.

Still Manchester situation puts it all into.perspective. I've shed a fair few tears today and DD has had some extra tight hugs.

Hi all yes a day to count our blessings I think, those poor mothers and fathers...just FYI we paperwork,if you petition then you do have control over timings, I petitioned even though I didn't want divorce partly on advice on MN, and thank goodness means might be able to avoid having absolute just at my 60th birthday.
Sorry to hear you are rowing with your DM Pandora. Guess what so have I felt like a s**t afterwards she has done NOTHING but support me. Anyway she forgave me as usual. Rushing off out again now, so big hugs to all, hope you are enjoying the weather (bit hot for me).
Happy Birthday Jaffa, you young thing!

Sorry to hear you've been having a rubbish time Pandora. Hopefully the weekend away will be good fun.

I got home to a speeding notification today I know there's no excuse, it's one of those roads that you think must be 40 but it's actually 30. There was a van parked up and I thought I'd slowed down in time...
Have to wait to see what I get fined, seems like they now do a percentage of your income.

Was reading some of the news stories about Monday's victims earlier, absolutely heartbreaking and puts things into perspective.

When can I get off this rollercoaster? I've had enough of the ups (if you can call them that) and awful downs and I never know from one minute to the next how I'm going to feel.
I hate him, I love him. I definitely don't want him back but I'm so bloody jealous she has him (!?) I like it that he doesn't live here (but to be fair it's not much different as he was always away) and I miss him!! I'm sick of feeling like this! Sick of not knowing what lies ahead. Sick of all the decision making on my own. Sick of having to constantly push myself. Sick of the anxiety 🙁

Sorry, I am SoMuch....
That was a depressing post! Apologies!!

I've been absent for a while. Was feeling pretty detached with it all really and sometimes I can't face coming on MN. Don't k now if that's weird.

FIL has died which has been awful. Wasband sat the kids down to tell them but excluded me. I didn't know what was going on. My DD told me. I was not happy but I didn't make a fuss. He's been totally shitty to me. I've had to bite my tongue even more than normal. He called me allsorts of names in front of DD.

The good thing is that he's acknowledged the petition. I'll have to check to make sure but if so, that's a huge weight off my shoulders.

The funeral is next week. It's a shit fest.

Hope others are finding little bits of peace where they can.

Was wondering if anyone can help or give me some reassurance
I applied for decree nisi nearly 5 weeks ago. It's been with the judge for 4 weeks.
I'm really scared I got told by email that a letter is sent out to me and gave no further information

I petitioned under unreasonable behaviour my petition I stated he tried to force himself on me and it triggered my childhood sexual abuse, when he found this out he kept using it against me and would keep trying to pressure me into sexual activity. I couldn't due to the past. I'm a Muslim so never ever been involved with a guy physically in my life apart from my abuse so I didn't know it affected me.

I also stated that he wouldn't let me out my house without him, when I went out with my aunt and cousin he threatened to kill himself because I went ot without him

Despite knowing my past abuse he would play with me and force himself on me when he thought I'd be asleep and then pretend it was an evil spirit.

He caused issues between me and my parents
He wouldn't let me spend time with my siblings even though we lived with him (wasn't allowed to watch t with them in the evening etc)

Husband agreed to it all but now I'm so scared because I mentioned the bit of me not being sexually available

Also put how he stole my letter from my psychiatrist to my doctor related to my sexual abuse and read t out to men within the Asian community to bring shame onto my family

He also tried to bribe my dad to pay him so he'll divorce me.

I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I don't know what to do.

Anyone's opinion will help... please!! 😭

Also sorry for randomly posting on someone's thread I'm just panicking 😩

Greyrock - I just had to say that I am in such a similar position to you. FIL funeral in a few weeks. It is exactly that - a shit fest. I don't know how me and DCs will get through it. I have an absolute bitch of a new wife of my X to deal with too - as bad as you can imagine and my DCs refuse to be near her after much verbal abuse and physical threats. No words of wisdom I'm afraid but I feel your pain.

Confused - your situation sounds horrendous. Truly awful. It sounds like absolute grounds for unreasonable behaviour to me. Sit tight and wait (sorry, I know it must be torture) but I am sure the divorce will be granted for you and you can start to be free of this disgusting man. stay strong, he will be behind you soon.

ConfusedGirl have you got a solicitor? Can they chase up for you? Or you might be able to do it yourself.

Do you still live with him? Have you got kids? You can speak with Womens Aid as your situation sounds truly horrendous. Keep talking here.

Name - thanks. So the new GF is threatening or do you mean STBXH. Its awful in any case. Were your kids close to their DGF? Its all like a slow motion horror film to me.

It was rejected just called them today, said that there will be more info on the letter. I am at my whits ends here 😭

I can't afford a solicitor so just doing it all on my own, he doesn't live with me and we have no kids. No finances between us.

So unhappy that it was refused. Ruined my entire day, had to leave work because I was in tears the entire time 😩

You mean he has contested the divorce petition? That's awful.

Has he got a solicitor? You can get legal aid if you're a victim of domestic abuse. Have you ever reported anything to the police? Please try Womens Aid and Citizens Advice bureau. Also see if you can get a free half hour consultation with a local solicitor.

It's good you don't have any ties with him and don't live with him.

No he agreed but the decree nisi application was rejected by the judge. They've not said why as it was on the phone and said a letter has been sent out.

He hasn't got a solicitor either. He's worse off than me to be honest.

No, not reported him as it would have caused to much problems for me with my family.

Hopefully it'll be an easy fix, just have to wait for the dreaded letter to arrive so I know what I've done wrong :(

Grey - my X is an absolute b'stard and his new wife is a disgrace to women worldwide. She has never wanted my DS in their lives and they now have a DC of their own and X devotes all his time to them and has prioritised them for years now. My DS hasn't seen them for years after she verbally & emotionally abused him and scared the life out of him. X just stood there and let her do it - saying he supported her. My DS will never trust either of them again. He adored his GF and saw him often. He was a wonderful example of a gentle kind and loving man. It is just awful.

Confused - sorry to hear that. I have no idea how/why it could be stopped. It's beyond me! You can get free sessions with solicitors for initial consultation- a friend of mine saw 4 and used their expertise to answer all of her questions for free. Maybe an option for you?

Hello. Please may I join? Marriage gone tits up after eight years (10 years together) and DH has left after a row. No going back and we told DS today.

Although I know it is for the best personally I am having what I think are panic attacks whenever I think about the future, DS, work. I was employed full time in a job I loved for 17 years but made redundant in March. I now earn £500 a month part time in a job I like but can't do forever and DH leaving really means I need to get a full time job. At the moment I am subsidising my salary with my redundancy pay and so not entitled to benefits of any kind.

DH being very nice, saying he was ill
Continue to pay bills and mortgage. No sign of an affair and I would be surprised but anything is possible I suppose.

DS upset that I am upset but so far not seemed to grasp the reality.

I am scared I will be alone forever coupled with a feeling that I never want another man in my house anyway. I have a couple of supportive friends but no big network and I don't really know where to turn or what to do next. Really I want to go to bed and sleep but that is very unlikely now as a solo parent most of the time.

Help. Any words of support?

Hello Sunny you chose a good handle shows a positive outlook! I feel the same, my planned future has been ripped away, but I find that most of the people I tell say they have been divorced, it's surprising, although not many at my age (59). I have found this thread very comforting, you are not alone. Good that you seem to be amicable so far. I have just come to bed after an evening out meal and pub with my stbxh and DS, who down for a few days. Mixed feelings but reminded us all of good times and also for me what we are going to lose. But as you say, there's no going back, stbxh seems like another child to me now TBH.
So, to the practical stuff. Have you agreed how you are going to divorce, separate and living arrangements? Had your free half hour with solicitors? If you've read the thread you'll have picked up lots of good advice like I did. You will have to do mediation session with trained counsellor, ours was free and useful.
Confused, there was a recent case where an elderly woman was refused divorce and so my stbxh solicitor accepted a very strongly worded petition from me. You need to say there has been no sexual relationship recently and also two or three other factors like drinking, verbal abuse, neglect or whatever. It could be some missing tick or something on the form though! Guess you will find out soon.
I've been feeling pretty low this week but going away to friends tomorrow, that's good.
Hope you all enjoy the BH as much as possible girls

Confusedgirl, sounds like you definitely have grounds for a divorce but perhaps the form just needed extra details or there is a slight error.Please don't worry it sounds like you are doing the right thing.You could start a new thread here as often solicitors are around who will offer advice.Wait til you get the letter to see what the reason is.

Me916, you are accurately describing the emotions of divorce..it truly does get easier but takes a while.

The Sunnyside, welcome..sorry you are going through this.Have you got legal advice? The starting position is 50/50 for assets and you will be eligible for tax credits, Csa and possibly spousal maintenance if you H is a reasonable earner.
There is an expectation you should earn but it has to be reasonable given your childcare commitments, age, experience etc.I started to compile a post divorce monthly budget and it helped me feel more in control and secure.

Pandora, so sorry you have such a crap week..hoping it all gets better soon.You deserve and need some good fortune.Sending you positive vibes.

NotJanine, good luck with solicitor.I feel mine is right for me.

Proper, you have a fantastic attitude and I'm sure it helps your ds that you can be amicable.Your comments about your ex shows you are detaching which is the start of healing.I see my stbxh rarely but am amazed how little I feel for him.He still gets angry regularly though and I absolutely do not miss that part at all.

Greyrock & Jaffa, seems like slow but some progress.If there were awards for handling the most challenging wasband you lovely ladies would win it

Happy Happy Birthday Jaffa, 50 and fabulous

Tapir, hope you are Ok, any plans for the weekend?

Hi, unfortunately one of my animals isn't well so a bit of added stress at the moment.

I am off on a long walk this afternoon and am hoping the thunderstorms miss us. Tomorrow I am running in the morning and planning on spending the afternoon at an animal rescue place. I have no plans at all for Monday, which could be a bad idea, long days on my own are the worst, but actually I'm thinking it would be nice to have a day off everything. What's everyone else up to?

I spoke to the commercial expert at my solicitor's practice the other day and really liked him, he used to do divorces so had some interesting ideas. My solicitor is now on holiday until the day of my next mediation session so I might arrange to have a meeting with him to discuss a strategy. I'd feel much better if I had a plan and if my solicitor is unavailable, and this one is from the same company, I can't imagine it being a problem.

I am so tired of it all, and while I know that I am lucky to be living in a nice house with no mortgage and that he's long gone, I hate the fighting. Even if what I suggest is perfectly reasonable, he can just say no and, unless we go to court, that's that. I have little hope that this will be resolved any time soon.