Further support for those starting the divorce process

[NotJanine]

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other

Sorry - they can give you some general advice but can't say if you are getting a fair settlement

Evening all and welcome Cheese....wonder if stbxh feels the same as you all do I see him looking at me pityingly...had a good afternoon with my DB and SIL today. We've had our differences in the past, mainly over their religiosity,but boy have they come through now, I'm so lucky. All my fingers crossed for you and the flat Pan BTW have been thinking about the private b group...maybe in the future? Still feeling very raw about it all, nisi will be through soon 😖

Hi all - need to pop back in now and then. Building to applying for absolute in a few weeks. I'm feeling a bit mixed. not at end of marriage, just coping with everything really.

I had a feeling that a phonecall STBXH took in my house (was defo a woman as could hear her voice) was a GF and tonight my girls who spent 2 hours total with their dad after school came in bouncing from sugar at fast food restaurant and a pub afterwards, about a lady they 'met' on the phone in dads car, and he spoke to on the drive out and then again in the restaurant pulling faces at them while they ate.

He was supposed to see them as has been missing the odd full day of contact (due to working is his reason but i saw him driving in our village when he was supposed to be working a couple of weeks back so didn't add up on that).

I know it's natural to feel disgruntled and a bit 'odd' I guess but it's not like me to feel this way and a bit unsettled, we've been together 20 years so it's been a long period of my life.

also he asked for a divorce pretty much as soon as he left, so am not wondering if she was on the scene before he went.

I do want to be happy for him, and also happy for my girls to know someone knew in his life, it's just tough to sort out the emotions.

Since we split, I have started seeing a really nice guy, so know I don't have the right to be feeling like this really.

Sorry for the grumble.

Also told me that she has trouble saying that word and a patient once misheard it as 'nasty shit'...

Thanks vm for the input, NotJanine. I can't be bothered with form E. Not least because I think I'm doing quite well out of it financially.

The pencils and "nasty shit" have made me laugh today!

Thanks for the welcome.
Pandora they are a little younger, the youngest is fairly oblivious and keeps forgetting but the oldest has been a bit emotional about it. Several of his friends come from divorced families so he's been talking to them a lot, and is generally OK so long as we keep him posted about what is happening. He can't wait to move to get away from the tense atmosphere here, have to live together until the house is sold.

I think it helps them to have friends whose parents are divorced and where things are going ok, plasticcheese. Reassures them. I found that with my 2 DC.

May I join you all?
Have lurked about for a while, and posted a couple of bits about my impending divorce along the way, off-thread.
I'll TRY to keep it brief

Split from STBXH 18 months ago. He had withdrawn all practical and emotional support on taking a new job, had a drink problem and was frequently staying out all night, vomiting in the house when drunk and was becoming increasingly aggressive. 2DC now aged 3 & 7.
I petitioned divorce on grounds of UB, he hasn't contested and decree nisi was pronounced end of March.

We are going through mediation and have the joint appointment to disclose financial details booked in a couple of weeks time.
We are very fortunate in that we have a LOT of equity in the house; less fortunate though as this is a result of a critical illness policy that paid out 7 years ago due to me suffering from a serious illness.

We WERE planning on me remaining in the former matrimonial home however I can't afford to buy him out, am not mortgagable due to Debt I've accumulated since being a Single parent, childcare fees, being on a fixed term contract at work etc- you name it. We are in a really expensive part of London and it's a struggle.

So, the only option would be a mesher order and STBXH remaining on the mortgage.

As things stand he is living in a bedsit which isn't really suitable for the DC to spend time in. He is also in debt and pays roughly 60% of the suggested amount of child maintenance to me for the DC.

I recently had a change of heart when I sat down and did some calculations- if we sell the house - based on a 70/30 percent split in my favour, we will have enough equity for STBXH to have a hefty deposit for a new place, AND for me to buy a new place outright, if we relocate from London.

STBXH has a lot of relatives in the north and my father is up there. I also have a lot of friends from uni there and am happy to relocate. We both agree that this is best for the DC as we always planned to relocate up there eventually.

STBXH has agreed to see the children every other weekend when he will visit. I will also facilitate access during school holidays etc.

I'm rattling around in our old house, working all the hours god sends, never seeing the DC and I'm miserable. I'm in dire need of a fresh start and desperate to spend some more time with my DC after such a rollercoaster few years. Other posters have mentioned about their joint properties being mill stones around their necks, and I totallly identify with this! 😩

I guess, as long as we are in agreement, there's no way a judge would comment about arrangements re the DC? I know that he/she checks the consent order is fair financially, but I have no clue about maters for the children?

Verrry long post!

Thanks for listening to me rattle on, keen to hear your thoughts.....

Hiya Whatevs and welcome, although none of us really wanted to have to be on something like this would we, it really helps. I can't think courts would interfere (unless SS involved of course) if you are amicable. Sounds like you are coping admirably. Good luck with mediation ours in August so will be great to hear how yours goes. Enjoy the weekend, all

Hi Whatevs, I'm also in mediation, my next appointment is mid June. I have no children so can't offer any advice but it sounds like you are doing ok so far.

Whatevs80, does your ex plan to relocate as well? Courts won't have an issue if parents agree arrangements.

I think it's very sensible to relocate to take away financial pressures.Your children are so young so you don't need years of stress. Wishing you all the best.

Slow process for me, I should get decree nisi soon and just waiting for form E exchange.

Ah, thanks all, lovely to read your replies

properjob
Thankfully no SS involvement and we are in agreement re arrangements for the kids.

hermione
no he won't relocate, wants to stay in London for job and that's fine...

Nope, none of us want to be here but it's god to have support from others in the same boat !

Happy weekend all

Hope everyone is having a good weekend?

I need to plan our summer holiday, first as single parent but looking forward to it

I'm so annoyed at my solicitor!!!

I couldn't use the one I originally wanted to as wasband went to get some advice from them. So they passed me to another one. Charges were higher, but they'd passed all the info on to them.

She has made mistakes in the consent order - for example stating that spousal maintenance would end if the respondent (wasband)remarries. Obviously should have said if I remarry! She also changed some bits of the original agreement that I gave her so I had to ask her to change them back.

She's now told me that the costs are going to be higher than originally quoted due to the extra work involved. I've replied to her saying that I don't expect to be charged for work spent on corrections nor on pension paperwork that she pre-prepared even though I told her we hadn't reached final agreement on.

This just isn't right is it? I mean getting the parties mixed up on the consent order was a pretty massive error in my eyes. I felt at that stage that I should be getting another legal expert to check it over as I didn't trust her. Am I over-reacting or do you think she sounds a bit rubbish? I wonder if I should complain to the ombudsman.

NotJanine I've been surprised at the mistakes made by both of our solicitors. You'd think that attention to detail would be fairly important but both have made significant errors in their maths. I've also pointed out spelling and grammatical errors to my solicitor before letters have been sent! I certainly wouldn't expect you to pay for yours to correct her own errors.

It was my big birthday this weekend and although I managed to make the best of it I couldn't help thinking that this was not the way I expected to be spending my day, my ex used to make a big deal about birthdays. I was really hoping to be done with all of this by now so I could make a fresh start.

My next mediation meeting is mid June but I have emailed the mediator with a few things that need to be agreed in advance for it to be worth attending.

Tapir - honestly it's got me worried that there could be something fundamentally wrong with what she's written. Stuff I don't understand. Sounds like it's not uncommon though if you've found mistakes too - maybe we should be billing them for our time!

Belated Happy Birthday!! making the best of it is as good as it gets I guess.

I've been feeling a bit sorry for myself recently, feeling lonely. I had a hospital appointment today (nothing serious) and there's no one who cares how it went. No one cares if I have a good day or a bad day. Getting out in the sunshine everyone seems to be holding hands or in groups of friends...

Notjanine, we care.I don't blame you feeling cross, that was a pretty fundamental error and one that could have been costly if you hadn't picked it up.She should be offering a discount not charging more.

Tapir, happy birthday..life truly will begin for you.
Stbxh was absolutely lousy at birthdays so I don't have that comparison.Can you do something special just for you?

Thanks Hermonie, that's very kind of you.

Mine was crap at birthdays too. Would pop out the day before to get something and not even wrap it up. I got to the stage where I'd just spoil myself if no one else was going to - so I'd take the day off and just do whatever I wanted, eat what I wanted. I'll do the same this year, hopefully as a happily divorced woman.

Thank you ladies. My ex made sure that when it was his big birthday a few years ago that we did something pretty special and had talked about what we were going to do for mine. Instead I didn't have a single present to open, for various reasons, and I spent the evening alone. I wasn't really feeling celebratory anyway.

NotJanine I've thought a few times that it's a good thing that I am reasonably on the ball and check her letters before they are sent. One had a rather large difference in the amount I was suggesting I would accept!

And yes, we care how your day has been. I know it's not the same as real life but you can tell us. I hope your appointment wasn't too stressful.

Happy late birthday Tapir. you'll have plenty more and they'll be better.

Not Janine, I care, especially as I'm feeling the same at the moment. I feel sorry for myself, lonely and like nobody cares. I know its not true but... I suppose this is just another stage in this shitty divorce process. I've taken a bit of a step back from my solicitor partly because I was wondering what I was paying for and partly because it was exacerbating things between himself and me. Things are a little different in Scotland we don't have the Nisi part. I'm hoping that we can get on with selling the house, split the pensions then apply for divorce.

Hi all. I'm feeling down tonight. Life is a grind. Still keeping everything secret from our kids until the older ones' exams are over. As I've ploughed through Form E I've got crosser and crosser with my idiot H. He's treated me so badly. There's an OW. It just doesn't end. I have great family and friends but just this minute there's no one. Just MN. Great to know you're all out there.

I'm here Start!! I feel just the same but we will feel better in the future!
Happy Birthday Tapir treat yourself!
Yep feeling sorry for myself too, because we will get nisi soon and looks like my absolute will be ready just before my 60th birthday, so I'll get that instead of the big party I was planning Before Divorce (which in my case I didn't want). But I am better off than most and am so grateful for friends and family...we're just waiting till housing market wakes up, we are in limbo at the moment. Am staying with old friends, couple and all their grownup kids still at home, it's very strange being here on my own... however, going on a special treat tomorrow as an early birthday present, excited! 'Nite all

Happy belated birthday Tapir!
Whatevs, I think I would sell under the circumstances, but maybe not move as far? Good luck with your decision.
Janine, yes I'd be fuming at your sol, would take it a level up and email their boss to complain.
Well, been a heck of a week, got the draft petition through which made it all seem real and have accepted an offer on the house which means we should move over the summer holidays. Kids been emotional too, the youngest has been very teary at school but they are helping with some 1-2-1 counselling sessions. Even though I instigated the split, it's been tough; my heart is breaking for X as he's coming to the end of living with his kids full-time and he just doesn't know how to cope.
Hope everyone has a better day today.

got a reply from solicitor this morning, saying 'as you can see from itemised bill'

And I've had to reply to her to tell her she hasn't attached it. And she tells me that they charge for each email, well that's just great if you keep making mistakes so I keep having to email!

Unfortunately she seems to be the boss of the firm so no one to complain to, but I think I'll contact the legal ombudsman. I 've just realised I haven't actually signed anything to say I want them to act on my behalf or that I agree with their fees etc. Unfortunately they have already taken a payment on account so I can't back out now. These legal firms just take the piss don't they? Their charges are extortionate.

Enjoy your treat today Proper!

ok, she has no replied saying that if I'm not happy she will refund the payment on account and close the file. I wasn't expecting that , I think she realises that she's cocked up and that could get in trouble.