Further support for those starting the divorce process

[NotJanine]

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other

anewdawn Sorry you are struggling at the moment. I wondered if ringing womans aid is an avenue you could try. If his behaviour is too erratic you can also call the police and make them aware too, especially if his behaviour escalates. It may mean if he continues in this way, you can get him to leave rather than you having to with the children.
My ex had (probably still has) alcohol issues. We walked on egg shells in the build up to me leaving. My solicitor advised me to call the police if he became angry and shouted and to advise them I was doing as my solicitor instructed as she felt I was in a domestic abuse situation. She said as it gets closer to the point of moving out and they lose control of a situation, they can become more erratic and unpredictable. I had not realised I was in an emotionally abusive situation. I thought I handled him and his moods so no one else was affected & he was just moody with really ridiculously high standards. Your ex sounds like he is being emotionally controlling at the very least, so might be worth a phone call for some advice from them.

Definitely call womens aid. I did it. They listened to me and reassured me...and advised me that it might be best for me not to contact the police in my particular circumstance as it would exacerbate things. They also gave me some other practical advice that I hadn't thought about. The biggest thing they said at the end of the conversation was that I didn't appear to be depressed and I had clear thinking. They helped me when I needed it.

Thank you Jaffa and Noodles. My head is spinning. I'm trying to think of sensible things and not sure which way to turn. Well meaning friends and family advising me to stay/to go. And quite specifically telling me to tell him xyz. They don't know him and it would just infuriate him. I know they're trying to help and luckily they've never had to deal with someone this erratic. You guys seem to understand.

I've had a look at WA website. I will try and give them a call but I don ;t get much private time. Thanks for that tip, I hadn't thought of it.

This morning he was banging about in the bathroom and kitchen. This is really out of character and it worried me. This afternoon we swapped cars as he needs to go a distance to the hospital. He stopped me and said he needs his office keys (to his room in the house which he keeps locked). his parting shot was 'don't bug my car' WTAF? i'm getting increasingly worried. He will be in contact with his batshit family right now after being LC for 3 years. I just don't know what he will be like when he gets home. DD is with him so I'm hoping he will behave himself.

How the fuck did I get here?

Dawn, hope you have your own locked room how dare he. All sounds a bit worrying to me, please phone WA (sorry realise suggestions put pressure on!). If he is taking illicit substance why not report him to police? Not in front of DC I suppose...
Pandora, what you say about libido is so true!! What's going on!? Here's hoping that outlasts the divorce process. 😱

Newdawn, how are you doing? No wonder why you are stressed, sending you hug.I hope WA can help, I know a friend used them and found it invaluable.

Tapir, ex has lowered his net salary by a 1/3 since court and planning on reducing his week..all to reduce payments to me and dc.

I am 6 months in and doing ok but it's the calm before the storm as waiting for court and then will have to sell the house and move.Its the accumulation of stress which must impact but I hope we will all be in a better place a year from now.

Tapir sorry to hear that. Hope your solicitor is putting future earning potential into the calculation? My stbxh is retiring, reducing his by over half, I'm not sure it's all vindictive

Sounds familiar - his income has reduced by 60% apparently and the salary he is admitting too is £xx,029 per year, unconvincing or what? He's also said that he intends to leave his job next year and just do something part time, he's only mid-forties!

I've chased the mediator again today and mentioned that he's trying to dispose of assets so it's quite urgent, hopefully that will get a response.

I'm only after 50% at the moment but I have warned him that I will be asking for more if we go to court.

Tomorrow I have to contact the estate agents he's trying to sell the house through and explain the situation but without being all tmi!

I feel like I've fallen down a rabbit hole. This shit is truly horrendous.
I can sympathize with the dumbing down salary. STBXH runs his own company and is on minimum wage... He can't hide it all though.
I didn't realize you could go for more than 50:50? Before all this shit I would have halved the cost of the divorce but I'm going to claim it all back now. He's going to drain me of finances not to mention my MH. It's becoming traumatic.

ANewDawn , yes 50/50 is the starting position, all things being equal, but even with his reduced salary my ex still earns double what I do, so there is a reasonable chance that I would get a higher % of the assets. In days gone by it would be monthly spousal support but that doesn't really happen anymore.

Apologies for not returning to the thread sooner.
Reading everyone's posts and seeing what we're all going through - and to you all.
Knobehead has now agreed to the grounds of adultery and will pay full costs! I think he was just trying it on to see if I'd cave. He doesn't realise how strong this shit storm has made me!
Just spoke to my solicitor and she is sending a draft petition to his solicitor. She spoke about voluntary disclosure.

I didn't get chance to ask her what this is. Can anyone explain it to me please? I feel completely out of my depth with all this legal stuff.

Voluntary disclosure is where you will ask him to complete his form E which asks for all of his financial information and copy bank statements etc. You'll have to do one too and then they will be exchanged. This will give you the basis for the financial agreement. My ex refused and refused to fill in his form, hopefully you'll have more luck :)

Thank you, tapir. Something else for me to find time to do in between looking after his children and working!

I've finally spoken to our mediator and my ex will not budge, but is apparently willing to attend another meeting! I have an appointment booked with my solicitor on Friday to discuss the next step.

decree absolute arrived in the post today. In one sense a huge relief, but still having to deal with house having to be sold, cant get a mortgage and noone wants to rent a house to me.
He has walked away from everything and left me to deal with all the shit!!

Cookie - yay for DA but sorry about the housing situation. Hope it gets sorted soon.

Dickhead picked kids up but then refused to make them tea as arranged so I could load car up. He fucked off to girlfriend's so now I'm trying to move a car load of stuff with 2 tired kids (cos I've had to order takeaway to give me time to load car).

Well done Suki and congratulations cookie onward and upward.

Sorry things aren't more positive for you Tapir - he's really determined to drag it out isn't he?

Help it's amazing how even the smallest thing, especially when it concerns the DCs can turn you into raging bull.

Have been feeling really positive but he turned up at the door when he dropped DD off today to let me know he's got three more valuations booked for next Monday. He's been working overtime and working on the house and he looks positively ill. He's lost about 3st since I left him and has wrinkles I've never seen before. He's always looked young for his age but he certainly doesn't now.

Burst into tears when he left. It was impossible not to feel sorry for him, and had to remind myself that he brought this on himself. Going to pop out and see if he's at the girlfriend's once DD is in bed, then have a hot bath, a diazepam and an early night.

Pandora, I know it's not appropriate but has wrinkles I've never seen before appealed to my naughty sense of humour - wrinkly little winkle! I know what you mean about them looking older. Himself came into my work last week and out of the usual context of the house I was shocked at how old and down trodden he looked. God only knows what I look like.

We had another argument last night with verbal abuse, name calling and especially hurtful comments about the girls. He did say that we could still be in the same house for the next 20 years as far as he was concerned.

Thankfully he is being a little less disagreeable this evening and has told me that he has the next five days off and intends to do bits around the house for getting it up for sale. We have also been 'discussing' houses for sale that might me suitable for me and the girls - should I look at cheaper older houses that need a bit of work or newer more expensive houses. He does tend to lecture me and I find it difficult to keep my mouth shut but I'm trying my best so as to keep the peace.

I'm also trying my best to stay positive.

Some good news! I'm not looking forward to my Nisi which won't be too long I think. House market has fallen flat around here we are stuck in the house, but DD comes home from Uni soon so we can play at being a family again . I'm going to do some house sitting for friends over the summer to get away at no cost. Have my first financial mediation session (alone) tomorrow.
I'd go for the most comfortable modern house you can get Jaffa, you'll have enough to do without doing up a place...sorry your stbxh is so selfish Help, they like to see us humping stuff around don't they? I'm a pretty rabid feminist but can see how good men take pride in using their strength to help. So sorry you are upset Pan, sleep well

Thanks :)

I'm in the PMT zone which makes me much more fragile. I think the fact that I've been feeling so positive about the future made it harder to see him like that.

Anyway he's still with the GF (which is good...I'd much rather that continued as in spite of everything I get the impression she is a decent person and it's a massive relief that she doesn't have kids which would another curveball for DD to cope with), & has been asking me for money towards tarting the house up for sale so I do wonder if he's laying it on thick for my benefit tbh.

Had a cuddle and a good giggle with DD once I'd calmed down. I booked our flights to Vienna last night (we're going for the Christmas markets) & whilst I was checking the apartment reservation my finger slipped and it would now appear we're also having a short break in Italy next spring 😊.

I've always wanted to travel but apart from our honeymoon have never managed it for various reasons - uptight mum when I was younger, and CC having done his travelling before we got toget her and being committed to never ending UK camping holidays.

I'm going to have to budget carefully but I'm determined to have as many adventures with DD as I can cram in before she gets too old to go on holiday with her mum!

Good to hear Pan I'm 60 this year and thinking about where to take kids for a treat. Probably Amsterdam, we'll see. Off to start finance stuff this afternoon...we've been told our pensions will take forever to come through so looking at August for the proper session!!! Hope today OK for all of you

Great to hear some of you looking to the future and traveling.

Sorry to hear that some of the afore mentioned twats are dragging their heels. I know how it feels

He's had a couple of digs at me and is laying down 'boundaries'. Christ the irony.

Solicitor advised to get the papers served. If I delay due to his dad's ill health then I can only really delay 6 months from the last unreasonable behaviour which was nov last year. So coming up 6 months. I've got to crash on after I told him I'd put it on hold. He is going to go MENTAL. I am going to make myself scarce when I get the papers served.

Has anyone heard of Grey Rock? Basically it's a technique to use with these disordered drama queens. If you have to talk to them use very bland language, don't commit to anything, use a monotone voice. Be really boring. I am Grey Rock. I've been subconsciously been using this method for years . I am not going to react to anything. I might have to change my user name because my New Dawn hasn't quite come yet

I've also got an excellent book called splitting. It outlines BPD and NPD and what happens when you divorce one. I know theses terms are bandied about on MN but bugger me if this book wasn't written about him. It's really helping me to understand what the fuck is going on. He truly thinks I'm the Devil Woman now.

Nice one GreyDawn still learning MN etiquette. What's BPD NPD?? I have also been grey rocking without realising! Yay!
Had initial finance mediation today. What was nice was the female mediator actually asked about the background, so I could unburden myself to a neutral party (stbxh gets some free counselling at work as he's retiring and getting divorced!!). I think it will be useful. So we will try mediation for finance agreement, but it will take months for our pension certificates to arrive. We are stuck together for the moment...

Ha to the grey rocking without realizing. BPD is borderline personality and NPD is narcisstic personality disorder.

I know what you mean about off loading. I'm being careful with money for obv reasons but I'm thinking I should find the money for counseling. This divorce is becoming really traumatic

Also with you on the stuck together. He had another little go last night suggesting that I'm making things awkward on purpose in the house. No, not on purpose. But I resist when he starts talking to me in case I end up agreeing with some shit of his. And my resistance comes across as a bit stroppy. I will have to work on my inner Grey Rock.

So...picked up DD from Captain Cactus this evening. He's still decorating. I have a few hours free tomorrow as DD is at a party over that way so suggested I come over and help out but I'm not allowed...because the girlfriend is helping him get OUR family home ready for sale .

Cba to argue, just said 'fine, if tags the way you want it I can think.of better things yo do with my weekend', turned on my heel and left.

Wanker.