Further support for those starting the divorce process

[NotJanine]

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other

We've had a massive row. He wants to have a 'chat' about how we split things. I said I can't do that because I've no idea what his financial position is. I keep asking him to go to mediation and disclose every thing but there's always an excuse not to

He also told me he's got advice from a solicitor and he told him that he doesn't have to do anything. Would a solicitor really advise this? And apparently he's covered by the mental health act and he doesn't need to sign anything. The solicitor will defend him if it comes to that apparently. The solicitor said he doesn't need to waste his money on any of this. I don't know if he's only listened to what he wants or what but he adamantly believes he doesn't have to do anything

He asked me what the rush is. I said it's been A YEAR. He accuses me of bullying him.

I'm so sick of it. He seems to be threatening me that if I push him he will 'fall ill' and that it will take even longer. I know what he's like and I think he will do something pig headed. Fucker. I so hate him. It feels like he's trying to destroy me.

Oh NewDawn that's tough. Don't understand about the mental health act reference, not trying to advise you but have you had advice from women's aid? Of course he has to do something, unless someone else has power of attorney on him, he's an adult! Sigh. What does your solicitor say? Can't remember back story sorry. Try to get out and do something nice even just a walk in the park, tomorrow. Hope you have a better day

Newdawn, I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time.Can your ex claim MH if he hasn't been seen by a Dr?
I doubt it would affect the divorce however although it seems he's intent on slowing it down or stopping the process.
Do you feel you have confidence in your solicitor? I fear you may struggle to get finances sorted with a court order so you may need to start getting a date scheduled.He will have to answer if he ignores court.

Pandora, so you seem to finally have a breakthru!

How is everyone else? I am upbeat, seeing friends helps and stbxh family have been in contact so I feel they are trying to be supportive as have not rushed to see him!
I joined meet up and had a good ladies only meet..did get a msg from a man through the site so I wonder if some people view it as online dating.I am not keen or brave enough to respond yet!

I'm better today thanks Hermione...our parts gone to court, finance mediation next week...horrible. Need to sell house. Seeing maternal family this weekend, always helps . Have been on two meet-up now, finding it good. Lovely to see how many things I could do if I wanted!! HAGW all hope you all OK

Sorry you're having such a hard time NewDawn. I guess you really need to get some solid legal advice, ideally from so done with experience handling this kind of case. There must be ways around it, even if his MH issues really are that much of a problem. I'd suggest you keep a diary and absolutely any communications/evidence that might be useful if you think he's playing you.

Glad things are more positive for you Proper and Hermione. Not so bad here either, touch wood. Solicitor has agreed to draw up Consent Order and I've told CC who is spending the weekend doing DIY touch ups on the house. I'm hoping to go over next weekend to add some finishing touches so with a bit of luck we'll be able to get it photographed and on the market the following week and an open day scheduled for early June.

Just arranged to visit DDs Godmother for the bank holiday weekend (another road trip challenge for me) and tonight I'm going out for dinner and cocktails with my prom date from 25 years ago !

Oh Pandora, sounds exciting..let us know how it goes.
Newdawn..my post was meant to say you may need court as they impose a timetable that both parties have to adhere to.
Proper, I hope mediation works for you..it can if your ex is reasonable.

Had a great day out at an sportive event.Ex taking dc for a few hours this evenibg and this is where there is a benefit of separation as I get a few hours off!

Tapir & Jaffa .are you ok?

I'm ok thank you.

I still haven't heard from our mediator who was supposed to contact us in two weeks. It will be four weeks on Tuesday since our meeting.

My ex is plowing on with trying to get our holiday home on the market, apparently the estate agent will be calling me next week for my permission to market it, and is also trying get the classic car up and running to get it sold. He was in the garage for half an hour this morning but I stayed inside and didn't see him.

In a way I am glad that he is getting on with things as I'm hoping it means that he thinks a financial agreement will be reached soon, but I am not going to allow our assets to be sold off before that agreement has been reached (haven't told him that yet...). At the moment I am weighing up how difficult I want to make things for him, with how much I want rid of him asap.

I miss him quite a lot at the moment as, other than the cheating, he was a pretty good husband. I miss him and I hate him and want him to die alone, slowly and in a great deal of pain, in equal amounts. I feel that he deserves to be punished for what he has done but he won't be, he'll just carry on with his life, albeit a bit poorer.

Quite a few of you seem to be making some headway which is great. Hopefully that'll be the same for me soon too.

Have a lovely evening PandoraMole :)

Does anyone know much about how courts do residency? The ex is adamant that his solicitor said he has a good chance of getting house and kids. But the current arrangement is that he works full time and I work part time. Pretty sure once I get tax credits I can afford house.

Am i right in thinking courts don't want to change status quo and so I'm more likely to get residency? Whatever is making him think he has a good chance?

And no I'm not an alcoholic or drug dealer or violent haha. He's on antidepressants. Not sure that makes a difference. Probably not!

Ah I just realised hermione you did say that in your initial response to me. I guess I'm starting to get worried by it all...

Thanks for the shout out Hermonie. As a human being I am actually beginning to feel a bit better about myself - getting some of my old self back. I've been spending a bit of time in the garden, weeding and general tidying. I planted some pots up with pansies and put them on the front door step and around the back by the patio doors thus improving first impressions of the house. It also makes me feel good as I like my garden.

WRT himself, I'm getting frustrated. The last few weekends he has spend Sat night somewhere else, presumably at his mums. This is great because I am able to get things done on Sunday in the house. However it means that he isn't doing anything around the house. I asked him at the beginning of the week if we were still on track for putting the house on the market on the 23rd May. He told me to leave him alone. He hasn't spoken to me for a couple of weeks other than that and if I try to speak to him he ignores me. Yesterday morning on his day off he photocopied the council tax details and then went out. I have taken this in a positive manner - he could be using the council tax details as identification for something financial/legal.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get him to talk to me but for now anyway I'm just going to have to be patient and wait and see what happens by the 23rd. He's given me a few dates in the past, the first one being 1st Dec last year when he was going to move out but that didn't happen. I hope this one isn't another false hope. If nothing happens this time then I will do something. Most likely I'll find somewhere unfurnished to rent. That way I'll take the furniture that I'm due and selling the house will be his problem.

I've been watching houses come up for sale online and blimey they are selling much quicker than I expected. I have no idea what my budget will be, that will depend if he will give me a little more so that the girls can have their own rooms. I'm getting very excited about moving house, I love houses and interior design and gardens...and my own space.

It's great to here that others are moving on slowly. We all seem to go through similar bad bits at the same time so I'm taking this stage as a good omen.

Silly joke - Dr. I need an operation on my bum. Why? Because it's got a crack in it.

Hahaha Jaffa!

I'm really excited about moving on too.I have a pinterest page, a RL scrapbook and countless wishlists for my new home as well as a fairly extensive friends cellar bottom drawer.

I've had a lovely night out. Completely platonic but such good fun. We've know each other since we were 8 and became friends at 14 but lost touch when I got married. From the moment we met up it was like the last 14 years had never happened - talked non stop, lots of laughs, lovely meal and finished the evening with tequila slammers for old times sake.

Hopefully will meet up again fairly soon .

Well done Jaffa sounds like you are being fair to him. Keep going. So pleased you had a good evening Pandora, that will keep you going for a bit! I'm with family for a special 'heritage' weekend it's good although I am eating too much. Enjoy Sunday everyone

Glad you had a good night out Pandora. Proper, hope you're enjoying the family weekend.

Rose - the court's usually look at the children's housing needs and ensuring it's adequate for the contact with each parent. In my case the kids will be 4 nights with me and 3 with ex so houses need to be similar - they wouldn't be happy with me ending up in a 2 bed flat while ex lives in the 4 bed detached family home.

I think ex is going to go with the agreement my solicitor has sent. He keeps having a wobble about it which I think is because he's crap with money so hasn't saved for the smaller expenses and is panicking. He wanted to renegotiate because I'm "not paying bills". I said he's getting the benefit of the extra equity due to his delays so that's fine, I can pay him the £2800 I owe but I want my half of the extra 6.5k equity so would he like me to ask my solicitor to add the extra £450 he'll owe me to the settlement? Funnilly enough he now thinks the settlement is ok.

Tapir, mediator should not be taking this long, can you give her a wake up.
The last thing you want/need is pressure to sell assets.
Life will get better, unlike an affair I had a slow descent into leaving so perhaps emotionally more ready..even then it is very hard.
Discovering affairs is just awful and I think will take longer to get over as your whole life was turned upside down.

I still wish ex could change and be a decent person.Dc's are often upset at the separation and it breaks my heart when they are sad.

Pandora, I have a friend like that, known him 20 years and platonic but always great fun.Glad you had a great night.

Jaffa, what's your plan B should he not agree to house sale?

Proper & Help, good progress seems to be happening, it's so sad to have to split everything that you built together but a necessary step.

Rose, some judges do favour 50/50 but really unlikely you would lose residency.Perhaps record examples where you have flexibility in the event of sickness etc and he hasn't been able to step up.
There are very few workplaces that accommodate childcare issues at the last minute so is he being realistic?

Hermonie I chased the mediator last week and was told that our file was on her desk so she'd be contacting us in the next few days. If I haven't heard from her by Tuesday I'll chase again. I won't be agreeing to the holiday home being marketed or the car being sold until I have spoken to her but letting him think that he's getting his own way is avoiding conflict for now.

helpme that sounds hopeful

Fingers crossed for the 23rd Jaffa

In better news I been on another long walk with a local walking group, in the sunshine with beautiful scenery and some interesting company. Hopefully I've worn myself out enough to get a good night's sleep.

herimone what radio show were you listening to in the week? May have to do a listen again... I think it sounds right as I literally reached the end of my tether & had started moving on when we initially split, he has acted like it was a complete surprise and seems to have taken a while for it to sink in. He has been relatively quiet in the last few weeks, although I am damned whatever I do. My eldest came off her stabilisers onto 2 wheels this week, he said "another landmark moment I have missed" when he heard... Despite the fact he could have helped her do this, but chose not to.
I hope you enjoyed your few hours off too 😃
pandora your night out sounds exactly what was needed. Hopefully there will be more to follow.
anewdawn yes, the jealous feelings took me totally by surprise. I have got a dog and am getting out walking and also being as pro-active as I can to meet up with friends for moral support and feel better for it, despite no movement from himself to further the split along.
rose Your ex sounds like he is throwing around some empty threats to worry you. Am sure the courts would start from a 50/50 arrangement at worst. Check with your solicitor, divorce really does seem to bring out the worst in people. I am desperate for a settlement so I can start to move on financially. That said, I only work 2/3 days a week so if he is unfair with finances, I am worried about whether I will get a mortgage ok. My mortgage broker said he can look for one that takes into account maintenance and tax credits if need be, but am sure that will be more expensive.
jaffa just keep thinking of the new place & how peaceful it will be (& how well decorated!)
Sorry if I have missed anyone, have not been on the thread for a few days as seem to have been exhausted each evening, so lots of early nights (right after the kids)...

everyone.

I'm in a bit of a mess. He's really screwing with my head. He says he's going to ignore everything and he's going down the MH advocacy route. Whatever the fick that means. He's disgusted with me for not allowing him to recover from his illness and he's having suicidal thoughts. He was shouting at me because I said I didn't want to talk about it. DS was in the other room and I hope to god he didn't hear the suicide shit.

I'm fucking exhausted. How the fuck do I get on with this? I feel like it's a death of a thousand cuts. DB says I should stay because he's just trying to wear me down to get everything. I know that if I leave, then this will drag on for years. He won't make any effort to look after the house or sell it. Other friends advise to leave. It's fucking agony. I think I'm going to have to move out. How can I expose my kids to this shit?

argh. rubbish here. truly rubbish. first mediation sesion, he's still not giving me a penny, clearly expecting to keep everything and just agree 50/50 on the house. If I do that the kids and I will not be able to buy somewhere again. we've moved out, he's living it up in our home, enjoying life, demanding money every couple of weeks (which I can't give him as I have none!) Meanwhile tax credits asking for a ton of self employment evidence so we're not getting those either.
And this on top of managing my young children and their continued distress. 6 months in, when does it get better?!

Oh Dawn, Periwinkle so sorry to hear you are struggling. Dawn Can your DB help out at all and talk to him, not just advise you from the sidelines, my DB said he'd do that if I needed it. Can you and DC get away for a few days? He really can't exclude you from the family home if you do. You can force him to sell eventually but it may take a while. Periwinkle welcome, don't remember you being here before...he's full of sh*t don't believe a word....are you married and/or have your name on the house? Are mediators pointing out legal position? Think courts will want stability for kids, are you main carer?
Hope you have a reasonable night everyone.

Peri, do you have a solicitor? You should be getting child support at a minimum.
Mediation only works if he is reasonable and not giving you money so dc suffer is unreasonable.
Newdawn, you will need to follow legal processes to get this moved on.I don't feel leaving will disadvantage you as the home is a martial asset.Understand the concern about him letting it go to wreck however.
Does he have a family member who he would listen to?
Is he working? Can you log his suicide talk with his GP?

I really feel for you and Jaffa, living with men who are being totally unreasonable.

No one can talk to him. The look on his face the other day scared the fuck out of me. I was jumpy for ages and only calmed down once I knew he was stoned

It's beginning to dawn on me that I won't get anywhere trying to persuade him. If I disagree with him then I am the devil. I look back on our relationship and realize that I used to keep quite if I disagreed with him. It wasn't worth the trouble

I've googled 'how to divorce a borderline' and it ain't pretty. I think I need to leave. I'm torn. If I leave then it will drag out for years and in the meantime I'll be bleeding money. He'll be sitting in a 5 bed house dictating the terms as much as he can.

His dad is very ill, probably dying. I've seen the email from his dsis who is relatively normal . I've said I'll hang fire with the petition for now. You can bet he'll be fine because he thinks he's got control. I don't need to be scared of him today.

...6 months in, when does it get better?!

I found the 6 month stage the hardest sorry to say. I got fed up with CC not paying maintenance for DD, exacerbated by his constant wanging on about the new girlfriend. I was hormonal, knackered and stressed from working full time, running DD to and from counselling appointments and trying to fit in solicitors appts around my inflexible working hours. Add to that the fact that my missing libido reappeared at the same the same time I found out he was getting some and I wasn't and it was a truly unpleasant couple of months.

Now 10 months down the line and touch wood slowly moving forward and in a much better place mentally and physically for the most part. Another few months and hopefully will be out of the other side.

It's really shit but it does get better. Make sure you take care of yourself as best you can and don't worry about asking for help if you need it.

I'm moving house on Wednesday into the rental. I have tonight and Wednesday evening to pack, hopefully moving furniture on Thursday. I have no idea where to start .

It's 6 months for me since I found out about his cheating and filed for divorce. It's frustrating because we could be divorced by now but his arsey-ness has dragged things out. I am hoping that once we are actually divorced then I can put more energy into healing rather than into fighting.

My ex hasn't paid into the joint account again this month. If he thinks that he can do that and then use the joint account to pay for mediation he's got another think coming.

Congratulations on the new house helpmeltb I hope the move goes smoothly :)

I second the finding the 6 month stage being the worst and for the few months afterwards too... I moved out into our rental property after 5 months and expected to feel OK immediately as was no longer living in an oppressive atmosphere. The fact that I struggled a lot then after thinking the hardest part of the actual move was done surprised me at the time, actually that was what I initially focused on to keep me sane whilst living together as I am fairly practical, I took very little in the way of furniture so the family home could be sold without looking like an empty shell, I have really enjoyed finding bargains on EBay & decorating the new place. Once we moved out, I had a lot of horrible behaviour/texts to deal with which was not easy. I felt very guilty for moving out with the kids and breaking up the family even though how he behaved did that more. It is a long road and there have definitely been highs (confirmation from his continued awful behaviour I was doing the right thing) and lows (the feeling of complete helplessness as to the situation, which still affects me now as he has neither remortgaged or made moves to sell either. I have to reread notes I made in a diary of how he was towards me when together to remind myself how far I have come even though it does not always feel that way)
I have veered from having anxiety attacks to feeling a bit better lately. I have been getting out daily with my dog and have met some really nice people on my walks. Still no idea of ex's plans as he is not speaking to me now after inundating me with texts a few weeks ago which had completely stressed me out. When I saw the gp she said it was hardly surprising I was constantly anxious as my source of anxiety was always there, even though we no longer live together. The relief of him stopping his texts has been tremendous. I am sure this will not last and need to get an update from my solicitor. I think he is ignoring it all in the hope it will go away possibly now, so no end in sight yet, but better than before... Hang in there & make the most of your support network of friends & family. There is light at the end of the tunnel, even though it is only a pinprick at the moment, it will get better.