Desperately need of a friend/help.

[notsure132]

Hi All

I'm desperate for some support. I don't feel I can cope :(

I've lost the man I love to someone else. We had an 'open' relationship in that we were very much in love and together but saw other people with strict boundaries in place. I know it sounds weird but it worked. We were together for two years.

I have just moved to near London because he works here. I moved here to be with him. We've only been here for three weeks and he's ended it. I'm quite an anxious person anyway so the move and new job was terrifying and now I'm stuck here, all on my own in what can only be described as hell. The depths of despair.

The main contributing factor on his part for the break up is my emotional reactions to stressful situations. For example, he was a guy that never prepared and was always late - my reaction was to rant at him. Once a ranted at him because his car was unclean and untidy. Another time I ranted at him because he hadn't prepared for a presentation. When I say 'ranting', it was things that he deemed to be emotionally abusive. I called him names On a couple of occasions ('you're useless, might as well do it myself' kind of thing) and around ten times during our relationship I ranted. Once, because he is such a bad driver, we had another near miss and I just lost it. He doesn't wear a seatbelt and I was terrified of being in the car with him so I shouted, 'FGS! If you don't get help with your driving I am finishing you!!'

I understand now I may be deemed an abusive woman and I'm doing everything I can do seek help.

Now he hates me. After a blazing row, he left me. I know he has picked up with another woman (one of the casual encounters he had). I found texts from him to her and they were loving and close. She isn't like me at all. She is so different but I guess that is what he wants if I am so bad. Which, looking back I was.

So. In the next couple of days, I will be moving out. I'm finding it difficult to cope. I can barely function. The only thing that's keeping me going is work but that leaves 16 hours left in the day to sit here with this searing pain.

I have no friends here, my family are miles away.

It's 5:25AM. I wake up to the thought of him with her. He's just disregarded me and I can't cope with the thought of her and him together. I just can't. I can't imagine a time when I will go out dating again and I can't ever imagine a time when I will ever be happy again with another man. I just can't. She now has the life I want and, if I think about it, I allowed it. I was active in this due to our relationship type. I encouraged the casual encounter and now it's back fired on me big time.

I hate myself for what I have done and what I caused. I've lost the most important thing in my life and life doesn't seem worth it anymore. My brain keeps throwing up memories of us together. Then I think of them together and I panic and have to try and hold it together. She has my life. I love him so much and can't cope without him. And I threw it away.

Does anyone have any capacity to provide me with any support? I would really appreciate some help. I am very anxious as I have left everything to be here with him and now it's gone. When we first met we came here and everywhere I look there are memories.

Can anyone pull me up? I'm so desperate. Thank you so much Xx

[notsure132]

Just thinking about whether I should text him and say sorry for all the hurtful things I said! When I found out about woman I said some terrible things :(( I'm horrified that I said them. He has some 'problems' sexually and I threw that in his face.
Oh gosh. Should I send him a final text to say sorry xx

[Squeegle]

Nope. Certainly not. Has he texted you to apologise???

[Haffdonga]

NOOOOO!!!!

[Maverickismywingman]

You realise it was wrong to use those things against him.

Will it make you feel better?

I think something helpful could be to write a letter and not send it.

If apologising would give you closure and allow you to get some things off your chest, then by all means. But don't use it to open a dialogue or plead or beg.
If it were me, I wouldn't bother. What's done is done. If someone had hurt me that badly I wouldn't keep returning to the same thing to feel hurt over and over.

[notsure132]

No he hasn't xx
The only thing he did say was that he should've told me sooner.
The issue is he's blaming me for the break up saying I was the one who ruined him. My rants were the reason we broke up. And now I recall all the things I said and feel like texting him to say I am so sorry! It came from a dark place and it isn't true!
But will take your advice xx thanks so much xx

[notsure132]

Thanks everyone xx

[Haffdonga]

If you honestly think he deserves your apology (and absolutely nothing you've said on here sounds like you have anything to apologise for) then wait at least 3 years and only ever consider apologising when you are in a happy place.

If after 3 happy, fufilling years in your new life you still think you owe him an apology then write it on a postcard.

[notsure132]

Thank you so much xx
Thank you xx my heart just sinks when I consider the things I said xx mind....I think he's got me back with the last few days :(
Thank you so much again. Now in bed and it feels nice here. It's a lovely cottage. It is really good to have the girl here too. We don't know each other but tonight all we have done is talk about ex's.
Went to get shopping and didn't know what to buy (I can't cook - he always took care of shopping and cooking). So stuck to cereal - I figured I would force some down me before work tomorrow but there's nothing worse than eating without an appetite.
I feel awful that he's living it up tonight with the girl. It's not her fault. Still hate her though :-/
Feeling better than I thought I would....it really is helpful having a someone around to talk to as it was just me in the flat most nights when he went out with other girls (couldn't he have waited? Couldn't he have some sensitivity?!) so it was a lonely time being in there alone. But I look back to only a few days ago and I do feel better slightly xx and you guys to moan to of course has been a god send xxxxx

[notsure132]

Not doing too badly today. Just an overwhelming sadness. I had to advise a client on a staffing issue and the client told me that the staff member was sat with a very grumpy and sad face and I thought - I bet that's what I look like. I became aware that I was looking pretty miserable myself.
Therapy tonight. Hope it helps.
This is the first day of my new life but I don't want it :( xx
So sad and desperate for a sense of love and security. Don't know why I can't give that myself. Maybe it's because I was such a horrible person to him.
Woke up at 6AM today and was anxious for about an hour. Tried to go back to sleep but it wasn't gonna happen. Mornings are always bad for me. The anxiety is crippling. Hope it gets better.
I'm such a positive person usually!

[Me2017]

Good luck with it. I only read the first thread. If you have now moved out that's fine but I did wonder why you not him had to move out. Does he own the other place he lives? Did you spend money to move that he should be compensating you for?

[Maverickismywingman]

Hope you're doing better OP

[notsure132]

Thank you so much for checking in on me xx
I'm doing ok just anxious xx
Tonight, I went out on a date. Oh lord. I think I can feel the cringes going on! I understand I am in total self destruct mode right now!
He was a nice guy. Very handsome, self employed, several businesses. Professional profile impressive. Tall, dark, longish kinda hair (that's a massive must for me!). Spent a couple of hours with him and he asked if he could cook for me on Wednesday or join him for a drink somewhere again.
I said yes and, for a minute, felt quite excited! However, as soon as I pulled up at home I started to sob uncontrollably. I felt like.....I don't know.....weird. Like I had betrayed my ex and that me going out on a date was a definite move to go forward which meant we had definitely ended. I just felt an overwhelming sadness at the loss. Not him as such - the loss of the relationship. The end. Which is always gonna be sad I guess.
Sigh.
Have been feeling very anxious today. Went out for a run and walked a couple of miles too. I've lost 9lbs in weight which I am a bit concerned about but got my eye on it. Therapist says to eat small and often rather than forcing a huge meal down me.
Just got to keep going :-( xxxxx
Thanks so much again xxxxx I am definitely happier than I was two weeks ago so there's some improvement!

[notsure132]

Hello

Hope everyone is ok. Not expecting a reply but this has kinda turned in to like.....therapy! 😂

The ex tried to call me. I ignored it. He then sent a text asking how I was to which I ignored. He then text me hours later to tell me that he knew the other girl had caused a great deal of anxiety for me and so he was letting me know he was never going to see her ever again. On further investigation, it appears that she has gotten rid of him (I think he had plans to take her to meet his Mum and she thought - I'm just not that in to you and ended it after a handful of dates! I kinda know this because he did exactly the same to me and when he text me he was at his Mums house (100+ miles away) on his own).

When I discovered this......

I felt........AMAZING! I felt.....ELATED! Sounds horrid, but..... He's now realised he threw everything away and.....for what?! Now he is on his own.

So.....I called him back and we chatted for an hour. He's in a bad place. Told me to go live my life and that he can't entertain anyone because he feels dead. I don't plan on contacting him again.

I walked away from that call at peace with myself.

I saw the handsome man again tonight who taught me some cooking (I can't cook). I have been completely honest with him and have told him I'm very anxious and that I've just ended a relationship. He's so supportive in that he helps me deal with shakey moments. So, he has made it clear he is very interested but I'm not looking for anything right now, however, I do like him and he is a good catch I guess so who knows! We cooked too much so I will go round to his for dinner to finish it off after work tomorrow.

Beginning to feel hopeful and better. I look at that first message on this thread and I'm in a different place. That man has treated me so badly. So badly. I don't know how he can live with it myself. He made it out it was all me! It wasn't! He did some things that really upset me which caused my to get upset! He then blames me getting upset for his shocking behaviours on the relationship break up. No.

Beginning to feel that I've had the last laugh here!

Goodnight xxxxx
Thanks again for being there for me in those horrific early days ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️