Desperately need of a friend/help.

[notsure132]

Hi All

I'm desperate for some support. I don't feel I can cope :(

I've lost the man I love to someone else. We had an 'open' relationship in that we were very much in love and together but saw other people with strict boundaries in place. I know it sounds weird but it worked. We were together for two years.

I have just moved to near London because he works here. I moved here to be with him. We've only been here for three weeks and he's ended it. I'm quite an anxious person anyway so the move and new job was terrifying and now I'm stuck here, all on my own in what can only be described as hell. The depths of despair.

The main contributing factor on his part for the break up is my emotional reactions to stressful situations. For example, he was a guy that never prepared and was always late - my reaction was to rant at him. Once a ranted at him because his car was unclean and untidy. Another time I ranted at him because he hadn't prepared for a presentation. When I say 'ranting', it was things that he deemed to be emotionally abusive. I called him names On a couple of occasions ('you're useless, might as well do it myself' kind of thing) and around ten times during our relationship I ranted. Once, because he is such a bad driver, we had another near miss and I just lost it. He doesn't wear a seatbelt and I was terrified of being in the car with him so I shouted, 'FGS! If you don't get help with your driving I am finishing you!!'

I understand now I may be deemed an abusive woman and I'm doing everything I can do seek help.

Now he hates me. After a blazing row, he left me. I know he has picked up with another woman (one of the casual encounters he had). I found texts from him to her and they were loving and close. She isn't like me at all. She is so different but I guess that is what he wants if I am so bad. Which, looking back I was.

So. In the next couple of days, I will be moving out. I'm finding it difficult to cope. I can barely function. The only thing that's keeping me going is work but that leaves 16 hours left in the day to sit here with this searing pain.

I have no friends here, my family are miles away.

It's 5:25AM. I wake up to the thought of him with her. He's just disregarded me and I can't cope with the thought of her and him together. I just can't. I can't imagine a time when I will go out dating again and I can't ever imagine a time when I will ever be happy again with another man. I just can't. She now has the life I want and, if I think about it, I allowed it. I was active in this due to our relationship type. I encouraged the casual encounter and now it's back fired on me big time.

I hate myself for what I have done and what I caused. I've lost the most important thing in my life and life doesn't seem worth it anymore. My brain keeps throwing up memories of us together. Then I think of them together and I panic and have to try and hold it together. She has my life. I love him so much and can't cope without him. And I threw it away.

Does anyone have any capacity to provide me with any support? I would really appreciate some help. I am very anxious as I have left everything to be here with him and now it's gone. When we first met we came here and everywhere I look there are memories.

Can anyone pull me up? I'm so desperate. Thank you so much Xx

[Haffdonga]

And really, honestly, it doesn't sound like he is much of a catch. He sounds cruel. Letting you uproot your life, leave your home and move cities before deciding only 3 weeks later that he doesn't want to be with you? That's not the behaviour of an honest, kind or decent person.

And who really benefitted from the open relationship ? Who was the one for whom it was the ideal situation? You don't need to answer that. It's obvious

You will be better off without him. You really really will.

[notsure132]

Gosh that is just what I needed to hear! Thank you so, so much to you and everyone. It makes perfect sense what you say (and everyone).
OK so will just keep quiet once he's back from phoning her (!) and will calmly continue getting my things together.
Absolutely - if I show I'm in devastated, it confirms to him that he's awesome. And he isn't.
Tomorrow hopefully or when I move in the next couple of days, I'm just going to take my last bag and put it in the car and then just drive away. No last words. No goodbyes. I really do think that once his anger has worn off, he will regret what he did to me. Well, he'll have to deal with it, if that's the case.
Nasty piece of work.
And then I am blocking and deleting his numbers and email and going to try to move forward xx

[notsure132]

Now he's coming back through the door! Now he's paused outside the bedroom door where I am in. Now he's gone in to the kitchen. I really do think he is doing this to build fear and mess with me.
Anxiety levels are increasing.
Gonna play this one calm.

[notsure132]

Oh he's making tea! I suspect he's thinking he'll come in here, face loads of hysterics from me and he'll just sit there with his cup of tea all cozy and enjoying the drama and ego massage.
Not gonna happen x

[user1477282676]

Remember that she'll have to cope with this meanness....it's in him...a part of who he is. You're well out of it! You can move on in your new flat...you will be free of someone who is a nasty bastard.

[notsure132]

Thank you so much xx
I put my ear phones in and just carried on. Thought he had gone out again but then walked in to the living room to find him sat on the floor with his tea. So, I started to panic and felt anxious and blurted out, 'did you get the £50 out?!'. He then handed me £40. Oh lord. Messing with my head again?
But I think he is puzzled as to why I didn't lose it for him being out on the phone to her. I just took the money and went back in to the bedroom. I think that will make him nervous. Just hope he doesn't get angry :/ xx

Thank you so much everyone for helping me. You were there for me when I needed it the most and I can't tell you how much it means to me.

Xx

[notsure132]

He blames me for it though. Said because I ranted at him those times it made him in to this.

I can't stand him. If he told me now he wanted to get back together - the way I feel right now is that I'd tell him where to go.

Maybe that's just part of the loss cycle....feeling angry but I'm not missing him and wishing we were together right now!

[notsure132]

Now I hear the air bed being blown up. Previously he would still sleep in the bed but with no touching.
For some reason, this has upset me. My heart actually sank when I heard it. This is it. Gosh. It's all so final. He's in there tonight and tomorrow I will have gone. And then that's it. Two years just gone. We had some good times. I have some memories of us that kill me when I think of how happy we were. How did it come to this?

The realisation has hit again.

Should try get some sleep I guess xx not looking forward to that first few seconds of peace when I wake up, only for this complete and utter mess to come crashing down on me.....can feel the panic attack already :/ maybe this is something that is wrong with me? Separation anxiety? God knows :/ xx

Thanks so much again everyone xxxxx

[notsure132]

He's shut the door now.
And I guess that's the door shut on us :( thoughts of the girl and him so happy and loved up have come to haunt me. It's just a feeling. It will pass :-( oh and now there's floods of memories coming through.
Going to resist the urge to go running in there! But looking forward to doing as everyone said - cutting him out of my life so I can just move on xx
Oh sugar now he's come out.....and gone outside in the cold to be on his phone! 😂 That's just absurd! That's clearly a mind game! Goodnight all xxxxx thanks again for being so kind!

[notsure132]

Me again. Just woke up. Few seconds of peace. Then felt like I got hit by a truck at the realisation that he stayed at hers on Friday night and spent all day Saturday with her. I know this.
I don't know how he can move on so quickly. I'm completely heart broken to think of them both together. Right now I feel like I can't cope and don't know how I can get through the next minute, never mind full day at work :(

[Maverickismywingman]

I wouldn't even focus on the other woman.

Look how he's acting. Listen to what he's telling you. He's cruel and heartless. That's what you should focus on. Let her bloody well have all this spite for herself.

Be safe. Get yourself somewhere else to live. You'll feel much better for not being in this environment

[DragonRojo]

Focus on your own move. You've found s beautiful place and this nightmare will be over soon. When do you get the keys?

[Elllicam]

She clearly isn't getting a prize if he is dating student nurses as well. You will get away from this dick and find someone decent who treats you well. He seems to just want to make you upset. Has he always been a bit like that?

[notsure132]

Hi All

I'm up and ready to leave for work soon xx
He came in and appeared deflated. Knocked on the door, asked if he could come in and thanked me for allowing him the bedroom to get some clothes.
I am so anxious right now. I'm thinking this reaction is caused by something else that's been triggered off. I will discuss with therapist tomorrow. It is so hard seeing him just carrying on with life as normal when I'm falling apart.
He knew before we moved that he was going to finish us. Why did he let me move then? I have asked and he said because he knew I really wanted the job at my current employers. But had I had known we'd be split up I would never have left everything!
Prayers, thoughts and strength would be so much appreciated :( xx
I am TRULY grateful for everyone who has contributed and has helped me. Thank you so much xxxxxxxxx

[notsure132]

Ps. Any ideas on what my departing words will be when I do leave him? Or just say nothing? And just go? Xx

[saffronwblue]

Just say nothing and go. He seems to want you to interact so that he can have more drama. Get through the next day and you will be free.

[notsure132]

Thank you xxxxx
Ok I will.
In the car park near work. Feeling like I could cry my heart out.
He looked absolutely battered this morning. It made me feel better for some weird reason - indicative of a bad nights sleep perhaps? Maybe he isn't taking it all as well as he is appearing (not bothered, hatred, with other women).
I don't deserve this. I really don't. I am sorry for ranting but I don't deserve this :-( xx
Can't believe this - I keep thinking.....is this real?! Am I really in this nightmare?! A few weeks ago I had everything. Now I feel like everything I have isn't enough and won't be forever without him :(

[Elllicam]

I think he is trying to play you, he probably looks deflated because he was wanting you to cry and beg to feed his ego whereas you are finding a new (nicer) house and keeping going. He actually sounds like there is something wrong with him.. narcissism possibly? A lot of this sounds familiar, this article talks about narcissistic breakup and it sounds text book esteemology.com/breaking-free-why-breaking-up-with-a-narcissist-is-not-your-average-break-up/

[Elllicam]

Departing words I would be cheerful and say you think it's all for the best. There is nothing more likely to get to him.

[Maverickismywingman]

I wouldn't say a thing to him. He's not the injured party here. You are. You don't owe him anything.

Count your blessings and make your escape

[notsure132]

Ok thanks so much I won't.
I will just go.
Sat at my desk - it's so difficult to concentrate. When I try to focus on work, thoughts start creeping in. For some reason, when I realised that this girl and him have so many common interests - my heart dropped and I panicked :(( xx

[notsure132]

Now on lunch and sat in car again. Going to have to stop obsessively checking my phone to see if he has text me. Because he won't. Need to stop and will stop doing that right now.
Just can't stop crying. Had some weird visualisation again of me and him together, walking down a path and he turns to me, looks at me, holds my hands and smiles and heads off down the path alone and I turn to walk away from him. I have no idea where these images are coming from. But they hurt.
It seems that whenever I'm alone, I cry. Can't believe it will be done and over in a matter of hours and I won't see him again. I love him very much. But he has behaved so badly.
He has been horrible.
Hope it gets better soon. I am moving tonight so not looking forward to the final goodbye. Will say nothing. I'll just leave and then he'll be relieved and happy.
Urgh.

[myfriendnigel]

This is still early days op. You need to go no contact with him as soon as possible.its the only thing that migh help in these circumstances

[notsure132]

OK promise I will xxx thank you

[notsure132]

Finishing work in twenty minutes before I have to go home and get my stuff moved out. I had to spend five minutes in the loo crying harder than I've ever :((((
Don't know how I will be able to cope :(((( xx seeing him knowing that it will be the last time is killing me. Don't think I can get anymore lower.