Hi All
I'm desperate for some support. I don't feel I can cope :(
I've lost the man I love to someone else. We had an 'open' relationship in that we were very much in love and together but saw other people with strict boundaries in place. I know it sounds weird but it worked. We were together for two years.
I have just moved to near London because he works here. I moved here to be with him. We've only been here for three weeks and he's ended it. I'm quite an anxious person anyway so the move and new job was terrifying and now I'm stuck here, all on my own in what can only be described as hell. The depths of despair.
The main contributing factor on his part for the break up is my emotional reactions to stressful situations. For example, he was a guy that never prepared and was always late - my reaction was to rant at him. Once a ranted at him because his car was unclean and untidy. Another time I ranted at him because he hadn't prepared for a presentation. When I say 'ranting', it was things that he deemed to be emotionally abusive. I called him names On a couple of occasions ('you're useless, might as well do it myself' kind of thing) and around ten times during our relationship I ranted. Once, because he is such a bad driver, we had another near miss and I just lost it. He doesn't wear a seatbelt and I was terrified of being in the car with him so I shouted, 'FGS! If you don't get help with your driving I am finishing you!!'
I understand now I may be deemed an abusive woman and I'm doing everything I can do seek help.
Now he hates me. After a blazing row, he left me. I know he has picked up with another woman (one of the casual encounters he had). I found texts from him to her and they were loving and close. She isn't like me at all. She is so different but I guess that is what he wants if I am so bad. Which, looking back I was.
So. In the next couple of days, I will be moving out. I'm finding it difficult to cope. I can barely function. The only thing that's keeping me going is work but that leaves 16 hours left in the day to sit here with this searing pain.
I have no friends here, my family are miles away.
It's 5:25AM. I wake up to the thought of him with her. He's just disregarded me and I can't cope with the thought of her and him together. I just can't. I can't imagine a time when I will go out dating again and I can't ever imagine a time when I will ever be happy again with another man. I just can't. She now has the life I want and, if I think about it, I allowed it. I was active in this due to our relationship type. I encouraged the casual encounter and now it's back fired on me big time.
I hate myself for what I have done and what I caused. I've lost the most important thing in my life and life doesn't seem worth it anymore. My brain keeps throwing up memories of us together. Then I think of them together and I panic and have to try and hold it together. She has my life. I love him so much and can't cope without him. And I threw it away.
Does anyone have any capacity to provide me with any support? I would really appreciate some help. I am very anxious as I have left everything to be here with him and now it's gone. When we first met we came here and everywhere I look there are memories.
Can anyone pull me up? I'm so desperate. Thank you so much Xx