Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

Thank you for this thread. I finally told my husband that our marriage is over and I really need to talk to people who know how I'm feeling. I told my husband on Sunday that I wanted to break up and that I was going to be looking for somewhere else to live with our 9 month old son.

I think I've known for a long time that my marriage wasn't perfect. I've been with STBXH for 7 years, married for 3 and have a 9 month old son. I could write for ages about all the things over the years that have led me to this point but I fear typing it all out in case my situation is recognised. I will say issues with substance abuse were/are a big factor. I think he is emotionally manipulative as well. He always tells me that I'm being silly or stupid if I raise concerns I have or express how I'm feeling. It infuriates me, all I want him to do is acknowledge my feelings even if he doesn't agree with them. I can't remember the last time I had a cuddle and was told "It's all going to be ok.".

Things came to a head this weekend. We had a big argument and I ended up just blurting it out. "I don't love you anymore. I want to end our relationship.". It's not how I planned or wanted to do it but in a way I'm relieved. It's out there. I think I would have probably carried on for ages otherwise. Telling myself that I can do better, I can work at it. He knows how I feel about marriage and immediately threw back at me that I'm giving up. Normally I would have taken that and broke down but this time I stood firm. I haven't given up, I've got to the point where I have nothing left to give. I'm in thousands of pounds of debt from trying to support him, I'm emotionally drained from going around the substance abuse merry go round and I haven't had sex or intimacy in 18 months (not that I want sex from him anyway).

Now I feel relieved. He's moved into the spare room and once I shut the door to the bedroom last night I let out the hugest sigh of relief knowing he wouldn't be coming in and I had a whole 7 hours to myself.

Whilst relieved I'm also panicking. How am I going to afford living on my own with my son? Will I be able to cope raising a child with no support in the house or nearby (my family all live a long way away)? It's likely that I'll have to go on some kind of debt management plan. H currently does a bit of childcare whilst I'm working. I'd be happy for this to end and extend his hours with the childminder. It'll mean less money but I don't think I can face seeing H everyday. I'm sure that's going to be a fun conversation.

Sorry for rambling on. If anyone is a bit further down the line and has any words of wisdom for me I would really appreciate them.

Hi user and hotwaterbottle.

I would recommend that you arrange an initial appointment with a solicitor. I've just had my first appointment today. The solicitor went through the whole process with me. She's checked the divorce petition that I had completed before seeing her so I can file that as soon as my copy marriage certificate arrives and she also started the financial agreement process. I was there about 1.5 hours and it was all free. Obviously, the work she does from now on will be charged for and is payable at the end of the process when I should end up with a lump sum.

I can't advise on debts/children as there aren't any involved for me.

Today I have just taken the private plates with my married initials on it off my car and swapped back to the original ones. It's a small thing but has made me smile and also means that when I pass him in our cars, like I did this morning, he won't know it's me and if he does spot me and realises I've taken them off, then good!

My copy marriage certificate has also arrived so the divorce petition can be posted tomorrow. I've been a bit concerned that he would try to get in first, and of course he might still have, but I really want the divorce to be down to his adultery and for me to be in the driving seat so to speak.

Well done Tapir.

I posted my divorce petition on the way home from work today.

Spent bloody ages photocopying it and all the other stuff that I had to send for the application for help with costs and am now slightly doubtful as to whether or not I've included my marriage certificate (was trying to do it as discreetly as possible at work).

Have left the copies in my drawer at work so will check tomorrow.

Thanks Pandora - funnily enough as soon as I posted my petition at lunchtime today, I was convinced that I'd left something out.

Now I just have to wait until the papers land back through the door, I just hope that it's going to hit him a least a little bit as hard as it's going to hit me. My solicitor seemed to think I was being a little mean not letting him know the papers are on their way but I am absolutely certain that he deserves it and he's not stupid, he's got to know this would be my next step.

My solicitor recommended we sent his (I found one for him and paid his and mine) a draft divorce petition first so he could comment on it and amend it (and we accepted all his changes). That will not always work for couples however.

Hotwater, on finances your solicitor will be the best person to advice but in terms of whether you should stay in the marital home I wanted to and was able as I work full time to remortgage to pay my ex and buy him out of the house and he also got my life savings and all our other spare money but it was worth it to keep the house (and I was able to afford the bigger mortgage on my own).

Other people might have a lot of equity but be unable to buy the other spouse out so have to sell.
Or another type of case only way to house the children in a modest home is if the wife keeps the home until the children are 18 or she remarries or cohabits and then sells up and splits it.

General in England the starting point is add together all assets - house equity, savings etc and take off all debts - doesn't matter whose name they are in. That is the net funds the couple has. Then if you earn about the same and will have the children half the time you might split that 50/50 but obviously not all couples are in that kind of equal position. I earned a lot more so my ex got more than half. That is quite rare.

In your case if you can afford to buy out your ex's share then you might want to stay in your house. If not you may ahve to move or your other half if he earns more than you do may have to pay you some spousal support rather than having a "clean break" lump sum settlement - we had the latter.

Separately you might both keep your own pensions as we did as they were worth similar amounts or have a pension splitting order so when you are both 67 or whatever youre retirement age is you get half the pension each.

Just caught up on this thread, am sorry to hear what some of you are having to go through. I've been trying to sort out my situation with STBXH until last week I'd had enough, realised that he's just using me as an emotional punchbag. Saw solicitor Monday to start divorce proceedings and felt the weight lift off me. It won't be easy I know but I feel like I have support now and someone "on my side". He's being an utter shit about everything - despite the fact that he has his OW (well, girl rather than W) and is living in the house, I assume with her, and I have had to move into rented. I hate him. Dreading the division of assets. Because I paid for most of it he feels he isn't walking away with enough

Urgh, I am really struggling. For some reason stbxh seems to be really stupid and thinks my solicitor is being "ridiculous". No, you knobhead, she's protecting my interests.

But the worst but is still being stuck in the same house. 10 months and counting. He's at his girlfriend's 3 nights a week, does his shopping another night and says the other 3 are his time with the kids so he doesn't have time to do cleaning. Says he's tired. FFS, I'm fucking tired but some stuff still needs done. I'm sick of having to clean so I can make tea, sick of tripping over stuff he's dumped in the hall. I want out but I don't dare to do so before the finances are agreed.

I feel for you Help...we're not with STBXH thankfully but have moved in with my elderly parents and living together is driving us all crackers. Feel like I spent Mon-Fri working and every weekend and evening arguing or refereeing arguments between DD and DM. It's absolutely fucking exhausting.

To cap it all, STBXH has taken DD out today. We agreed a timetable of dates for the next few months which is supposed to give some regularity and routine. She won't stay overnights at the moment but we're both happy for her to do so when she feels ready. It's supposed to be Tuesday / Thursday one week and Tuesday / Saturday the next. He's already changed it to Monday and Friday this week around work and football, and now he's called to ask if he can take DD to the pictures next Sunday (apparently she wants to go). I've agreed, more fool me, but it would have been our first whole weekend together since we went back to school in September and I was really looking forward to it. Ive started working full time because of the divorce so we get precious little time in the week .

On top of that he still hasn't paid me a penny of maintenance since we left nearly 4 months ago .

I was shopping with my mum when he called and I promptly burst into tears and got very sweary in the middle of the Co-op .

Help, I'm in the same situation, although for only 4.5 months. My STBXH does bugger all around the house. I've also gone from working 20hrs to 40 hrs a week so I'm knackered but who cares about me! He won't make any decisions until all the financials are sorted out, he is still waiting for his pension details despite asking for them 3 months ago.

Pandora, I've been in tears a few times at work over the last few months.

I'm just well and truely fed up.

Pandora and Jaffa, sorry you're both in similar circumstances.

Jaffa I'm also working 40+ hours a week in a fairly stressful job. I'm knackered. He came back to drop kids off tonight and just left all the bags in the hall for me to trip over. Finally decided enough is enough. Might be childish but I've moved it all into his room (including bag of mouldy conkers) and shut the door. At least I don't have to look at it all.

Help, conkers are supposed to keep spiders away!

I thought you were going to say you'd had enough and were going to move out. I've often thought about it but if I do that then I'll be very skint and I will no doubt weaken my position as to what I'll get especially as I know that he'd like nothing more than for me to walk away.

They stink, they're growing mould.

I know what you mean. Think if I move out he'll try to say he doesn't need to buy me out - I only want enough so I can afford a reasonable house so the kids don't think living with me is shit compared to his house (he wants to keep the 4 bed detached that we're in)

Mine's been moaning to DD that I'm fleecing him...not only has there been no maintenance, but I've agreed to 50/50 split on house equity when a court would probably 70% so he's monumentally taking the piss.

Currently in a bar with my best mate listening to 80's tuned and a few wines and cocktails down which is taking the edge off a bit!

Hi I've had divorce papers served I'm not in a financial situation to contest but I don't juse wan't to sign when I'm entitled financially to things . Citizens advice bureau won't help. Please any advice

Levi - get a free hour with a solicitor.

Levi5 divorce and financial settlements are two separate things but the finances need to be agreed before the divorce is finalised. You need to see a solicitor, the initial appointment is likely to be free. Do you and stbxh own a house together?

Hi Levi.

You really do need to see a solicitor.

If you've only just been served you need to send the acknowledgement of service back within 7 days. The time to sort out finances and arrangements for kids is between the decree nisi and the decree absolute. From service to nisi, from what my solicitor told me last week, is likely to take in the region of 8-12 weeks so you have time to think about the finances etc.

Finances can be sorted by mutual agreement with a Consent Order, or you can apply to court for a Financial Order, and presumably similar arrangements regarding children.

I'd suggest starting by reading this website www.gov.uk/divorce/overview, and downloading and reading through any forms you think you will need. Make a list of questions as you go along, then take it all to the solicitor and get some solid advice as to where to go forward from there.

Well I just arrived home to find that my copy of the divorce petition has arrived and I'm feeling a little wobbly. The past couple of days have been better for me but this is just so sad.

Has yours arrived yet PandoraMole?

I forgot to put my marriage certificate in the envelope when I posted it last week so it only went back off again yesterday after being returned.

I feel for you though re the wobblies. I saw STBXH last night when he dropped DD home and had a quick chat about picking some stuff up at the weekend. That in itself was emotional but he also had a bereavement at the weekend (not a huge one but still not nice - he'd been friendly withthe guy through a couple of his hobbies for about 15 years and it was very sudden) and I couldn't help thinking it can't be nice for him to go back to an empty house.

It is sad. Weird that we're already so distant after being together for nearly 20 years, and downright tragic that he refused to get on board with attempting to sort out our problems until it was too late.

Unfortunately no one can wave a magic wand and change the lack of trust I now feel towards him or make me fall in love with him again, and if we can't go back, then we must move forward.

Unfortunately no one can wave a magic wand and change the lack of trust I now feel towards him or make me fall in love with him again, and if we can't go back, then we must move forward.

Pandora - this really struck a chord with me. I'm sorry I can't remember the details of your separation but I think regardless of the circumstances we all go through the same emotions.
I've been wobbling this week despite being sure that I've done the right thing by filing the divorce. STBXH has realised what he's thrown away and I know would come back if I suggested it but I have realised that, while it still hurts unbearably at times, I am better off without him. That is so hard to say as he was my best friend for 23 years, we were together 24 years but with hindsight I have realised that the last year was different. Maybe I was caught up with work, children, etc etc and neglected him but he also neglected me and sought affection elsewhere.
It brought it home to me today as I had to have a minor op and the hospital staff asked if I had anyone to pick me up. Saying no, that I was getting a taxi was so hard. Things like that get you out of the blue don't they?
Anyway, sorry for rambling. I just need to get it out. All my RL friends think I'm doing so well, which on the whole I am, just days like today you need someone who knows what you're going through.

Levi, it's definitely wise to get advice.

Forme2016, oh I wish we could help you.Hope you recover well.

I haven't been here for a while, H and I started to talk but I'm not sure it's helpful.It seems to confirm how he doesn't see any perspective but his.He also holds grudges forever..its so draining. I really wish I didn't have to separate but I can't see him changing at age 50.It also me who has to initiate conversations and I feel I have put in lots of effort without seeing positive input from him.

I have to decide when to book mediation, my preference is after Christmas just so I don't have to think about the discussions and could focus on my son.
I think trust is also my issue but I think there are some friends there which makes it so tough.When he's not being a hostile and aggressive he could be gentle and kind.

House is on the market and I need to move so my son starts secondary school next Sept.

Pandora, how is it going with your parents?

Thank you Hermione, every bit of communicating with our previous husbands is utterly shit fraught isn't it?

It's SO much easier to have no contact, or at least minimal texting, but it's not always possible. I have DD's parents evening on Thursday which of course we will both go to but can't say I'm looking forward to it...

I don't know why but I'm in tears catching up with what everyone else is going through perhaps it is because I'm also having the wobbles.

I asked him at the weekend what he was doing for Christmas as I wanted to started buying food. Such a simple question caused him to explode and become abusive. Anyway, he told me he wouldn't be here for Christmas and I had to tell the kids not to buy him anything as he wouldn't be around at all. A few weeks ago he had told me that he was 90% certain that on 1st Dec he is going to throw the keys at me 'and fuck the lot of you'. I think he is going to just disappear on 1st Dec, perhaps to a rented property and he won't tell me and the girls where he is. At the moment he still pays the bills but I think he will stop all that on 1st Dec and leave me without heating/electricity, phone, insurance,etc.

I know I don't want to be with him anymore but I've been with him for 26 years and I don't know if I can cope on my own. I also know that he has made me feel that way as I used to be a very capable person. My self esteem and confidence are very low. My work colleagues tell me I'm a lovely person which is nice to hear but hard to believe when I've heard the opposite from himself for many a year.

I think I'm just feeling sorry for myself which under the circumstances is allowed!

Jaffacakesmum I've been with my STBXH for 20 years, since I was 19, and I've never lived alone before. I totally understand the feeling that you can't cope. I've spent so many nights thinking "I can't do this, I can't do this" but I have been living on my own now since he moved out in June and I have survived so far, so now I tell myself that I've done it for 4.5 months and I can keep doing it.

I am having a teary day today. I have a friend visiting tonight that I haven't seen in years and I know that I am going to cry all over her.

I'm not wobbling that I am doing the right thing - there is no way to come back from what he has done - but it's when I think about all the things that we'l never do together again, even down to holding hands, that I am struggling.