Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

It brought it home to me today as I had to have a minor op

I sprained my knee quite badly a few weeks ago and ex was really helpful. I was very vulnerable and it did make me soften towards him a bit. But he took my 'let's talk about things again' as a 'let's get back together' & was very hurt, angry and upset when I explained that wasn't necessarily what I meant. The fact that he wasn't even patient enough to have a conversation before jumping the gun made me realise I really, really couldn't do it and here we are.

...days like today you need someone who knows what you're going through...

Yup, and I don't really have anyone. Some friends married very young and split in their mid twenties. One or two had very small children and their exes pretty much disappeared from their lives.

I don't know anyone really well who's done this at 40-something with an nearly teen to consider and a full time job. Not saying that makes it harder, just very different circumstances.

Living with parents...well Dad is generally fine. Mum continues to be hard work but things have been a bit better this last week. Have lots of things planned between now and Christmas including a night away with DD so feeling fairly positive at the mo, touch wood!

Jaffa, Tapir and Pandora so many similarities.
We are doing this, we CAN do this and we WILL do this. Say it enough we might believe it

Forme,

We CAN do this and we WIll do this.

The other thing I keep telling myself is that problems are there to be solved.

So I received stbxh divorce petition today..expected some of it but he included our son which I find unforgivable.I had a rant at him and he has agreed to change it.

I have been so postive towards him, even inviting him to something on 'my" weekend and now I feel like a mug.

I have written him an email (which I may not send) but basically telling him he has lost a wife, lover, friend and coparent.Also thanking him for his behaviour over the petition as it confirms I was naive to trust him and removes any of my doubts.

I know h doesn't want to end the marriage but it seems his ego is in control which refuses to let him acknowledge any behaviour that needs changing.
I am feeling angry with him, long make it continue as I prefer the anger to crying.

Jaffa cakes, I am sure you will cope really well.Women tend to not only survive after divorce but actually thrive.It isn't the same for men who generally cope less well.

I know so many of us are going through this and I wish everyone strength.The is a happy life to be had post divorce for us all.

Hermione I also wrote, and I did send, an email yesterday saying pretty similar to you. About how he's lost the best friend he's ever had, the person that had been by his side through everything for 20 years. I also told him that although he's broken my heart that I know that I will be ok.

I don't expect a response, he's not contacted me at all since I found out, except when I confronted him last Saturday, but I felt the need to make a couple of points and for him to know that I am not lying in bed crying over him anymore.

I possibly shouldn't have actually sent it but I do feel better for having a chance to tell him how I feel.

I have been amazed by how many of us are in the same position. It is truly awful but, one day at a time we will all make it through.

Saw STBXH today. He asked again if I was sure i wanted a divorce, apologised again, said he'd changed again. He'd be willing to start from scratch with dating...As if we could actually do that after 20 years!
Do I want to get divorced? Who does?! Do I want to see the home that we've spent years getting how we want it sold? No.Do I want to deal with all the practical, legal and financial crap that comes with separating and starting again? Not especially. Do I worry that I'll never have another relationship? Yes. Or that he'll move onto someone with kids of their own, or God forbid, have another child with someone else and the emotional impact that would have on DD? It makes me feel like someone's gouging my heart out with a rusty spoon. Do I want to spend another six months living with my parents and trying to tolerate my mum's crap to avoid arguments?
No, but after everything that has happened there is no way back. I believe that he's sorry, I believe that he thinks he's changed. I don't believe we could be together again without slipping back into our old roles. I don't believe I could ever trust him 100% and therefore I don't believe it would be possible for me to fall in love with him again.
I don't know what else I can say (btw I didn't actually say all that. I hope he doesn't ask again.
Was very upsetting for both of us and DD who was in the next room and aware something was going on.
I came home and sobbed on my dad for 10 minutes, bless him. He may be nearly 80 but he'll alway be my No 1 man .

I'm sorry that you had such a traumatic day yesterday. As much as I'd love my stbxh to tell me that he wants me back, I know that he won't because he knows that what he's done is unforgivable. I agree with every single thing that you've posted.

I've been spending some time this week filling in my financial statement, every time I think that it's done I think of something else to add, or find some more information that I thought I didn't have. I am hoping to hand it over to my solicitor on Monday.

Sorry, just realized that post didn't really explain what I meant.

I meant that as much as I'd love my stbxh to want me back, I am glad that he knows that he would be wasting his time as it would be awful to have to go through.

Pandora, I also agree with everything you posted.

On Thurs evening I settled down to watch I'm A Celebrity with youngest. As it was starting I checked my emails and there it was an email from my solicitor. The contents of my stomach almost ended up over the cat! The inference is that I am causing the situation at home to be volatile and he wants to enter into collaboration. I ended up crying myself to sleep. It is him that is volatile not the situation or me. He has been so abusive recently so how can I possible get into collaboration. The email says that can't enter into collaboration if there is any sign of domestic abuse - intimidation, manipulation or bullying. He does all three in abundance. I think he wants to do it so he can show the two solicitors what a great guy he is and I'm a nutter. I ended up having a complete meltdown at work yesterday, and the people at work who were aware of what was going on were fantastic and so nice to me which made me cry even more. I think part of it was that I feel safe at work but I'm so scared at home when he is around.

I'm feeling a bit better today and listened to what people said to me yesterday so I'm preparing myself to put the boxing gloves on. I'll make an appointment to see my solicitor. I'm wondering if I can get my solicitor to find out what he wants to offer me before I consider whether I could cope with collaboration. Anyone any experience of this?

The problem is - if I don't enter into collaboration what will he do next, my life is already hell, I can't have him making it any worse.

Sorry for the downer.

Pandora, completely agree.I desperately do not want a divorce for all the reasons you cite but I just don't know if you can go back.It would have to be new and different (that's a quote from the author of Boundaries) but what makes it different?
Him saying he's changed?

Jaffa, we must have a similar timeline as had petition and letter this week.Thankfully not sharing a house and it must be unbearable for you.
My stbxh is the same, aggressive and unreasonable but accuses me of being volatile.
I have questioned if stbxh is mentally well but do realise his anger seems to be directed at me not others.I know he doesn't really want the divorce but won't accept I need him to change his behaviour so no way forward.

What are you all doing for Christmas? My son wants us to spend the day together but I don't think I could handle that.I am much more relaxed when he's not around.Today I found I missed the old him.We did have good times and I loved him.

Such conflicting feelings that I'm sure you all identify with.

I too am missing the husband that I thought I had. I loved him so much and thought we were happy together. It's so hard to realize that person never really existed.

Pandora, your post shows what a strong woman you are! Well done for trusting yourself.

Jaffa - your post resonated. My narc stbxh suddenly wants collaboration after putting me through hell over the last few months. He's suddenly the victim in all of this and would tell anyone that cares to listen that he's struggling. Interestingly, this is kicking in just as time comes for financial disclosure. He doesn't think we need to go through that process and I should just accept his insulting offer. He's suddenly keen to try mediation again, even though we've now (thankfully) been exempt, thanks to dv and his rigidity at the first session.

Bear in mind that I ended the marriage because of his refusal to be transparent about his finances. I worked my butt off for years, whilst still running the home until I finally had to admit to myself that he just wanted to be a kept man and didn't care if I had to kill myself to make it happen! He also wracked up a lot of debt which he expected me to help pay off without telling me where it came from. What's heartbreaking about it all is that he's financially much more stable than me (had high paying career before quitting to build a creative business which didn't go as he'd hoped). He has premarital assets which he was holding on to, but was happy to watch me burn out as I tried desperately to cover family expenses. I eventually gave him an ultimatum - be open about your finances or we're over. The rest is history.

Anyway, he's spent the last 4 months punishing me for having the guts to say I've had enough. He's shamelessly used our young children as weapons because he knows that's the only way he can get to me and now he wants collaboration! Yes, after months of fighting for collaboration, countless letters begging him to think of what's in the best interest of the children, to stop telling them I broke up our family, to please take them to their weekend classes (which he refuses to because I signed them up for the classes years ago and don't get to determine what he does during his time with them), I'm done playing nice. I've changed from a nice solicitor to one that is making him sweat and he wants collaboration???

Phew, had to stop and take a few breathes there. Rant over!

Sending you all hugs. Trust that you have a bottomless supply of strength within you. It doesn't always feel like it...but it's there. And, we're here. Hang in there, everyone!

Stbxh got the divorce papers the other day. Asked me when they need to be back by .

He's refused to see me at all on Xmas day even though kids wanted us both there for present opening and Xmas dinner so he's spending it at his girlfriend's. I've invited my parents down so it's less 'empty' for the kids.

Help I'm sorry your ex is being a bell end about Christmas.

I have no idea what we're doing. STBXH is due to have DD on Christmas Eve but is implying he wants to see her on the day. She wants to be at 'home' with me.

The easiest thing would be to have him over at some point, but since my mum now thinks the sun shines out of his arse I don't really fancy being ganged up on on Christmas Day.

Am at a bit of a loss on that front tbh.

Having a low period.I initially kept myself very busy and now feel so drained.Have not been to work which is adding additional pressure.

I think I was floored by stbxh petition, just how nasty and how much he wanted to hurt.I have to decide if I cross petition and it's literally keeping me awake so I'm struggling to function.

Only close friends & family know of the separation and I am now thinking to tell others, my lovely elderly neighbour who thought we were the perfect family will be so sad for us.
I think initially I felt so relieved when he left as the aggressive behaviour meant I couldn't relax but I guess I did think he would come to his senses or go back to the gentle man I thought I married.

I know it isn't going to happen and my mind is trying to process the reality.

Sorry for the self indulgent post, hopefully these feelings will pass soon.

Hermonie, you are not being self indulgent. You have however explained how I feel and I'm sure others.

I am so desperate to get away from my STBEX and hope that he will mellow but I know that it won't happen. I lie awake at nights and I have also started having nightmares. I am so worried about what he is going to do to me when he finds out that I won't enter into collaboration, or at least it is unlikely that I will.

Everybody says things will get better but at the moment it is hard to believe. The only thing that will ease things is time but time can't pass quick enough. Sorry I'm not helping much.

Jaffa, I completely understand the fear you have. I know he will not be physically aggressive but once you learn they are emotional unsafe it's almost more scary but more difficult to rationalise.

I am having the first solo mediation shortly but know if he's not reasonable it will go to court. I would almost prefer it as I feel trying to negotiate with him will be more terrifying.My sleep has been really impacted, perhaps since I removed the any doubts I had, in my mind I might have had some hope that he would become the good guy but that has gone so I am left with the reality.

I saw my solicitor today and actually she was reassuring so my anxiety feels a little lower. Also blasting out "over you" by Daughtry helped

I am sorry that so many of us have awkward STBXHs.

My solicitor contacted me yesterday to let me know that she's received my financial statement but nothing from him She'd given him 14 days to respond which runs out today. She wanted to know if I wanted her to chase him, which I have agreed to. I knew that this was the point at which we'd find out how much of an arse he's going to be. He also had until yesterday to agree and return the divorce petition so within the next 7 days I should find out if he's done that too.

I'm feeling a little stronger this week and have been trying to convince myself not to devote so much of my thoughts and emotions to him. He's not worth it, it won't make any difference and is only making me feel bad. It's probably a really bad thing to do but I feel that I've devoted enough energy to thinking about him and now it's time to accept that it's all over with and move on - easier said than done when you have to be in contact because there are children involved, I know.

It's shocking how the lovely caring husbands that we thought we had seem to have changed so completely or in my case, never really existed

Hermonie and Jaffa, you've both described exactly how I've been feeling in terms of having been "strong" and that feeling now deserting me, and wanting to never ever see STBXH ever again. I guess I'm lucky in that mine isn't being horrible, in fact he's trying to be friendly but that just emphasises to me how he truly doesn't understand what he's done to me. It's as if he thinks we can move onto to be friends who no longer live together.

Last night he picked up DC for the first midweek overnight stay since he left (and only because I am away with work) and asked if I wanted him to go with us when we get the Christmas tree. I said no, I would manage and he said "but you don't have to manage". What a bastard, of course I have to manage since you fucked off to shag your OW.

As usual it's the stupid small things which seem to hurt the most.

Sorry now I'm being self indulgent

I've been lurking for some months, on the cusp of jumping into this dark hole. We've been together for 10 years married for 3. Two dd's under 5, I'm a sahm. I happened to have acquired one of those special specimens yet to fully mature. The scales have finally fallen. I've seen his behaviour for what it really is, I've had a good dose of EA, PA as well as some down right selfish behaviour/ financial abuse, I haven't quite worked out which. He has proven himself to be a c**t time and time again.

I was gearing up to get my financial independence back before leaving but after a disaster of a holiday in May, which ended with me having a horrendous panic attack in front of our visibly distressed dd's, I accepted that I just couldn't continue holding it together anymore.

Six months of us living together, trying to make a go of it, we attended relate, I got a SHT shit hot therapist, he's continued playing father/husband of the year, spent ridiculous amounts on eating out at top restaurants, jewellery and trips away without taking any responsibility for his behaviour. I'm finally getting some clarity and I filed yesterday.

Lots of for everyone.

Tapir, that's actually a really sensible and healthy response.Getting to that detached state is where you need to be.Well done.

Forme, looks like he's hoping to keep good terms with you in case it doesn't work out with OW.I don't think they realise the impact and maybe he hopes the door can be left open.Also think they hate to be the bad guy.

Afrovenator, your description did make me laugh..failure to mature! However you have had an awful time.So sorry you are going through this.I feel with young dcs you have a better chance of moving forward, it feels harder when the children are older.

Wow, I just don't know how I ended up with such a pita stbxh. So far he wants to keep the 4 bed detached house we live in, split assets 50/50, me to pay the costs and I should be grateful that I'll be able to get child benefit and child maintenance when I move out. Oh and I should be really grateful that he's giving me the 8 year old car . All while he earns more than double my salary and has a brand new company car (cos I had 8 years at home raising the kids).

Apparently there's fuck all chance of me getting anything else and if I ask for more, he'll go for 50/50 custody so he doesn't have to pay maintenance.

Help, I'm not surprised at your 'offer', I'm fully expecting something similar. At least I don't need to worry about custody as my girls are 16 & 18. The shit hit the fan last night between youngest & STBEH and she told me to just sign the divorce papers. If only is was that simple.

I am feeling a little stronger today. I feel that something is happening and is going to happen soon. I'm hoping he's going to move out on the 1st Dec as he said before. Not long to wait to find out whether it is real or just mind games.

I shouldn't be surprised. Think he's being extra awkward about money because his girlfriend can't afford to fix/replace her car. He called me a cow the other day because I wouldn't be later to work then planned in order to drop the kids off at school so he could help her get to work. It's the busiest couple of weeks at work now.

I'm having the opposite issue with my STBXH - he asked me twice last week if I was sure I wanted to go ahead with the divorce (said yes but it was quite emotional). At the weekend I picked a few bits up from the house, then the other night I received a text from him asking me out on a date !