Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

We didn't tell any of our parents until decree absolute actually! No need to tell anyone we thought as all very private but then we had to live together for 7 months during this whole divorce process so it was better no one knew.

O pandora - just when you need her support the most. Do you have to live with her - are there other options?

Don't give in, because this hard part will pass.

I am dreading when my ex and I start going through financials. Right now we are kind of running two households and not splitting things properly - but that time will come. Considering he thinks I didn't contribute becuase I was a sahm I expect that it will be a tricky time.

Strangely tho, the more time i am away from him the more reasonable he seems to become. At least to me. Seeing him for several hours on friday so that might change.

Pandora, that's awful.Potentially she is just worried for you and will be supportive.

Ds is overnight with H, I felt very sad waking up without him here but I know I will get use to it.

I suspect H has mental health issues (BPD) as his moods are erratic.A while ago I suggested he speaks to the GP but that didn't go down well.His preferred position is to blame me for everything.Bpd sites did help me to understand the need for firm boundaries and I realise when I've done that it's helped.

I just wish we could fast forward and all be in a better place.

I just wish we could fast forward and all be in a better place.

Amen to that!

I just found this thread and I'm interested to see what the first step was for you when you decided to divorce. I want to divorce as my husband works away and isn't making any effort to change that despite me being pregnant with our 2nd child. I would rather be on my own than have him here for 2 nights a week at maximum as we argue quite often anyway and it's not a marriage in my eyes. I have found a form to fill in online but I'm not sure how to go from here. Do I need a solicitor? It's difficult as I work full time to be able to see one. I don't know if he will agree to an uncontested divorce so I don't know if we can just do it online.

Anyway thank you very much for any advice you can give and hope everyone is ok.

I would definitely get some legal advice first Mini. The basic form filling for a divorce is quite straightforward but sorting out everything that goes with it is quite complicated as I'm rapidly discovering.

Things also have to be done at a certain time and in a certain order.

It looks like my situation is about to take a turn for the worse.

We need to get a regular arrangement in place for STBXH to see DD rather than it being ad hoc, week by week. He is usually home from work by just after 3 and DD and I have talked and she's happy with a Tuesday/Thursday one week - Tuesday Saturday following week arrangement, which would give her every other weekend free to chill out, spend time with me, see friends etc.
He is more or less refusing to see her after school as he 'doesn't know what he is doing wrt work' and insisting on having her one day every weekend. I can see that escalating to it having to be every Saturday around his bloody sporting commitments, which is obviously not on. He has been demanding to have her this Saturday and wants to take her to a firework thing even though he's got her the following Saturday and is taking her to our friend's firework party that I've been uninvited from at his behest!
Need to sort something out asap. Am tempted to just email him the dates we've pencilled in and see what comes back. Any suggestions?

Mini, first decide if you want a separation or go straight for divorce.A divorce under 2 years has to be for unreasonable behaviour and you will need to cite his behaviour.

Do you want a divorce or are you looking for a way to get him to change his behaviour? Filing for divorce could make it imoosdible to get back from.

My h said the marriage was over (when I confronted him over his behaviour) and I took him at his word getting a solicitor.Notifying him of this meant he got a solicitor and we are now in the divorce process.

I would recommend you get some legal advice, it's usually just 30mins Be aware howeve it pretty much closes the door to reconciliation if you petition.

hermione makes a very good point about considering the redeemability of the situation.

I have just emailed my STBXH the draft petition, outline of details for consent order, division of household items list and a draft timetable for him seeing DD.

Appropriately with Bonfire Night looming, I feel like I've just lit a rather scary touch paper...

How long was it before you heard back from court after you filed the petition?

faffa

He replied almost straight away - a couple of small things to iron out as far as arrangements for DD are concerned but otherwise seems fine.

I'm almost more perturbed by the lack of aggro

well further to my previous post about things being fairly amicable and the possibility of putting the legal stuff off for a bit, it turns out that he's actually been having an affair for EIGHT YEARS with one woman and there have been at least two others, one of whom I've been friends with since I was 8 years old. I had absolutely no idea and am beyond devastated. Apparently, he's also been moving money into his mum's bank account to hide it from me. How can people do this? It is totally incomprehensible.

The first solicitor I have contacted has come back to me and said that there is a conflict of interest, the issue is that his company works closely with many solicitors so I might have a problem finding one I can use. I have contacted another & will see what happens.

It is totally crap that I will have to pay more to file for divorce when he's the one that has behaved so badly.

At least now I am angry and know to make sure I get everything I possibly can.

Wow Tapir he is clearly a grad a cockwomble.

faffa you're so right about expected behaviour. We went to the pictures together last week having bought the tickets a few weeks before when I was still toying with the possibility of being able to salvage the relationship.

Halfway through the film he reached over, squeezed my arm and said 'I'm really sorry for how things have worked out'. Freaked me out so much I had a panic attack and had to spent 10 minutes in the ladies to calm down .

The sad thing is I think we both like each other more now we're separated, but I'm not in love with him any more and my trust in him has been irreparably damaged.

I think we're just one of those combinations that doesn't work. That we managed nearly 20 years together is testament to what a pair of stubborn gits we are!

Dreadful.
I am pretty sure you will find a solicitor however. There are absolutely tons of good family lawyers many many of whom will only act for divorcing couples so very unlikely to have a conflict of interest of any kind so don't worry about that.

I have found a solicitor and have an appointment for Monday. I am going to write down some stuff I want to ask, including if I can bin all the clothes that he's left behind without getting into trouble! Is there anything in particular that you'd recommend that I discuss with them?

I looked through our filing cabinet today and have discovered that he's definitely taken stuff out of it, including our marriage certificate. I was really hoping to file for divorce asap but now I'll have to wait until a copy arrives.

Can anyone tell me how long it took from your first meeting with your solicitor to your stbxh receiving the papers?

I'm glad you've found someone.

Filling in the divorce petition is very straightforward - you can download it online and fill it in then get your solicitor to check it over at the appointment. I would suggest you dead the statement of case section as you do need to get the wording right and tag a bit of legalese on the end.

You can then tick a box to say you've taken legal advice but are not being represented.

Of course it depends on your circs. Our situation is relatively straightforward (so far, touch wood) & we need to keep costs to a minimum so I'm aiming to do as much as poss myself.

Timescale wise I don't think it takes that long for them to serve the papers - maybe a couple of weeks, but after that you are somewhat at the mercy of the business/speed of the court dealing with your case, and of course the obligingness or otherwise of your stbxh. It seems that 6-8 weeks between each stage is fairly realistic so around 6 months from start to finish assuming no arguments or complications.

I saw my solicitor yesterday. She is fabulous. I now have a step by step time line to follow, know that the petition is good to go and I haven't overlooked anything, and know what I will need to pay going forward (we'll share the consent order costs but I need to make a will and there will be conveyancing costs when I buy my investment property).

The best bit was that she knows stbxh's solicitor having worked on opposite ends of previous cases and says she's very professional and sensible so hopefully that will help things go smoothly.

dead?

Draft the statement of case!

for you faffa.

I find it's quite a roller coaster of emotions and expect it'll be some time after we're out the other side before that changes.

Don't mind me asking but was it Bury St Edmonds Centre you had to send to?

thanks for the advice and for faffalotty

Not posted on here for a while but I'd appreciate any advice re finances. I need someone to help me figure out what to do. We have some debt (loan, credit card, overdraft). Our house has a lot of equity in it. I can't figure out whether I should stay here with kids or sell up. Where would I get free/cheap financial advice?