Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

Welcome JM great advice from others to which I can't add. Things are certainly better for women now since my we were abandoned by my Dad in the 70s.
I saw three solicitors and none of them clicked entirely probably because our situation pretty simple as long as it stays calm and H just gives me my half. I'm still in denial I think got to get our 28TH wedding anniversary day over with then think I can move on a bit. Lots of hugs to you all .

Hi JM. Sorry you're having to join us in this horrible boat. How are you feeling today?

Hermione & Jaffa I feel like we are at the same stage in the process.

I was signed off with stress last week and it's given me time to process the emotional aspect of the situation which has been painful but helpful (PMT and heart to heart with SIL at the weekend helped a lot).

I feel like I've let go of a lot of anger and hurt, to the extent that I've spoken to Wasband and we're going to get to get her towards the end of next week and try and thrash things out between us instead of dragging it for longer and causing more pain and expense.

I've also spoken to a mortgage broker who was considerably more helpful than the bank so am fairly confident well be able to buy rather than rent at the end of this.

That sounds promising Pandora, are you ok with meeting up with wasband?

Properjob - anniversarys are a bit of a bummer aren't they? I had one last weekend. We didn't get married for quite a long time so used to celebrate our first date anniversary instead, was 29 years. Leading up to the day I felt fine, but on the day one tiny thing set me off sobbing my heart out. It's that feeling of loss, of how happy and in love we used to be.

Can I jump in and ask a question for my sister? She's trying to get all the paperwork together - not an easy task as being organised is not her forte - and I was just wondering if it's possible to complete the forms - such as D8 and Form E - online? If so does anyone have a link? Many thanks.

Yes. I'm fine I think.

We've had very little to do with each other for the last few weeks but DD has a thing on next week that we'll both be attending so will have to see him anyway.

It's our wedding anniversary in a couple of weeks. He's off on holiday with the GF 2 days afterwards and 3 days after that I can file for the absolute (but won't because finances won't be sorted by that point). Bit ironic really.

We were never particularly mushy about anniversaries. He wasn't a particularly romantic person but I must admit when he did go down that road he did it well.

Thanks Pandora and Proper

I've been on a reasonably even keel for the last 10 days or so but feeling horrible today, came home from the school run crying and can't seem to pull myself together and stop.

On top of the solicitors letter yesterday I also received DDs school report, can't make up my mind which was worse!

Just all a bit much today and can't really see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Yes, JM - the priority is always adequate housing for the children. And when I say adequate it is based on things like both parents having a similar standard of housing.

Stbxh has just asked me if I mind his girlfriend coming round for tea tomorrow (on my birthday) - WTAF?

FFS Helpme these men are just fucking clueless.

Wasband came round this evening as DD hasn't been at school today and he was due to pick her up. I invited him after my olive branch last night, suggesting we talk things through again.

He mentioned me picking my stuff up from the house but is still refusing to let me enter the house without a chaperone, then refused to tell me what he was doing this weekend. I know what he's doing (going away for the weekend to meet the GFs parents).

I'm also away for the day on Saturday so let's hope he's not urgently needed by his daughter who who should have been spending the day with before his priorities changed .

Need to keep a level head until the end of next week and try and get things sorted but I have no idea how I'm going to manage it. As soon as messaged him about coming round the panic attacks started again. Then spent about 15 minutes in tears after he left.

I know I've done the right thing, I'm not jealous of the GF, I don't love him and I don't want him back so why does it still hurt?

Just want this over asap.

Helpme he wants to bring his GF round for tea with you on your birthday? What is wrong with him??

Sorry Johnny hope your evening goes better than the day has.

I am deliberating whether to wash away my day with wine or diazepam. Have already had a spritzer so I suppose it had better be wine...

Evening all sorry to hear it's all difficult this week. Makes you think all men are selfish pricks. Helper what does he want you all to play happy families?? FFS.
Anyway think I've found a solicitor seeing her Tuesday. I'm feeling quite down today and tired from driving. DM thinks I've been bullied and emotionally abused but I'm not sure all her accusations are helping me. Do any of you have people too fiercely on your side (apologies if you feel unsupported OTOH). Actually that's the worst bit for me I can't feel part of a couple now...even though I'm lucky with friends and family I still feel really alone. Guess it's something you get used to. Peace and love to all or failing that ...

Helpme HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Wishing you a lovely day and hope the wasband doesn't give you any grief.

Pandora hope you enjoyed your wine in moderation and are feeling ok this morning

Properjob good news on the solicitor, sorry to hear you are feeling down. I feel really alone too. I don't really have any close friends and little family, none nearby. When I contact them they are supportive but I feel like I'm bothering them.

Helpme happy birthday! :) I hope you manage to enjoy your day.

I think the feeling alone bit is one of the worst things about the divorce process. I used to love the feeling that there was always someone who had my back, but now the only person I can rely on is me. I also miss having someone to give me a hug when I've had a bad day, or just because.

I passed my ex in our cars the other morning. We've done it a few times but this time we were both almost at a stop in traffic. I know that he saw me but then very carefully pretended that he hadn't. I actually think that our mediation meeting might be more stressful for him than for me. He is the one who will have to look me in the face after the really awful way that he has behaved. He couldn't do it the last time I saw him in November and he can't even do it when we're both in our cars. He is also the one that will have to give me a rather large chunk of what he clearly thinks is his money.

Do you not have keys to the house Pandora? could you not just go in to get your stuff when you know that he is away?

Yes Tapir I do have the key (and the back door key too, just in case ) but I'd rather not rock the boat if in don't have to.

I have a very feisty female colleague who has offered to accompany me, and DD has suggested that my ex-military, Bruce Willis-alike uncle and his son might also like to lend a hand if it comes to the crunch.

The stupid thing is, he's away for a week soon. I could go in, get my stuff and do a bit of touching up here and there to get it ready for sale - my time and my expense, but he's got some expensive old school misogynist arsehole of a solicitor advising him now and is determined to follow his advice to the letter.

I'm doing some more work on Form E this morning. Have done lots and lots of aims so I know what my bottom line is in terms of share of equity. Just need to convince him to hand it over now!

Happy birthday HelpMe - I hope you have as fabulous a day as possible

aims = sums!

I have a friend coming with me to solicitor Pandora...and yes having a man to back you up is great I know my brother would do that if needed.
It's our 28th anniversary tomorrow I've run away to my Mum's as has stbxh (to his, I think my DM would gladly knife him at present). Have finally she'd a few tears today, two weeks in!! Here's to you all enjoy your birthday Helpme

Help, Happy Birthday and hope you had a good day.

Proper, I think early on we don't want to really believe that the person we loved has behaved badly.Its also our instinct to be loyal.My sister would stop me from justifying stbxh behaviour..however as he's now behaved so badly I'm happy when he criticised! Your emotions do catch up.

Pandora, the chaperone thing is just bullying.I can't believe how calm you have been.I can still feel tearful and it is grief.Loss of our normality, future etc.NotJanine describes it well.

Tapir, I really hope mediation works for you and you can get it resolved.I would have put money on my stbxh settling at mediation (he did with his 1st wife) but for some reason he is making this high conflict.

Jaffa, NotJanine, Johnny. Hope you are all ok.I felt adrenalin and relief at the start of the process but now it's just exhaustion.

My friend who went through a divorce a few years ago says that getting finances done will mark a breakthru as it you can then plan your life.I can see how that will be a big step forward so hoping it's not too long for each of us (although I'm heading to court which means it months away!)

Happy birthday Help.

I'm fine. I'm actually away for the weekend in Glasgow with a friend for craft workshops. I am exhausted but relaxed.

I can't believe how calm you have been

That'll be the double dose of Citalpram and backup diazepam.

Seriously, it catches up with me unexpectedly - I couldn't find a parking space this afternoon, other than reverse parking ones in tight spots in rush hour so always someone up my bum. After the third attempt I completely lost it - had a 5 minute sweary rant and burst into tears.

Wasband called this afternoon to apologise for being on the defensive yesterday, which was a pleasant shock.

Hope everyone has lovely things planned for the weekend. I'm off to the Ideal Home Show tomorrow for some fantasy browsing!

Jaffa and Pandora - hope you enjoy your days out.

I've got no plans for the weekend, although I'm trying to get some info and agreement from STBXH for the consent order. All done by email. He's avoiding some questions.

I'm expecting it to be frustrating and probably upsetting. I'm trying to be all business-like about it but I keep being reminded of all the lies he told and how he manipulated me. And I just want to rant and swear at him.

Have fun at the workshops jaffa - any particular craft or a mixture? I don't get enough time to do any at the moment.

Have fun browsing pandora.

Wasband had his gf over for tea and to stay over last night . Luckily dp is a landlord and has an empty property at the moment so I stayed there instead. Was feeling fed up until my decree nisi arrived in the post all agreed by the judge and he has ordered wasband to pay the costs (£575)

Sorry your birthday wasn't the greatest Help - it really is incomprehensible how callous and self-absorbed these blokes can be Anyway, here's to your next one when all this angst will be a distant memory!

Proper, hope your anniversary isn't too horrid and that your mum's looking after you.

Enjoy your weekends Jaffa and Pandora

Totally get where you're coming from NotJanine about wanting to rant and swear but remaining business-like. STBXH and I have had very minimal contact and when he does email me the tone is as though I'm a business acquaintance so I'm responding in kind. He's a workaholic and used to hiring and firing in his professional capacity. Clearly the DC and I are just as easily dispensable to him as his employees. Empathy is not his strong point.

Anyway, Netflix and wine for me this evening. Kids are at his niece's 21st tonight, DD has only gone on the understanding that she doesn't have to sit with or speak to him. Maybe people will start to see him for what he really is when they realise his own daughter wants nothing to do with him.

Evening ladies...I bit the bullet and plastered it all over fb, changed status etc. Ironic, the modern reversal of reading the banns 28 years ago! Had a bloody good weep too at last. Had a truly wonderful email from my brother. Jonny glad your DD is 'on your side' as it were. Helpme congratulations does that mean you are sorted financially? Why you still living together? NotJ, get a spare pillow and stick a pic of him on it? Punch....I hope you all have some nice time with your children tomorrow.

proper No, not sorted yet. That's just the "judge says you can divorce" bit. Now need to sort finances before applying for the absolute.

Have put in an application for a promotion at work today. So rather snowed under at the moment preparing for that, trying to work out finances for the divorce, working full time, etc.