Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

Tree I think you're right to sort things asap.

We were pottering along quite amicably until the gf came on the scene. Don't blame her or mind him having a new relationship but the fact he seems to have changed his priorities re DD, however slightly, has turned me into a batshit crazy tiger mum with the result that we are now communicating via solicitors.

It's not fun.

If I started seeing a man with a 12y DD and he prioritised me, I would wonder what kind of bloke I'd got involved with. I couldn't respect a man who'd put me above his minor child(ren). It's different I guess when they're university age+

There was a brief spate of him dropping off earlier and he picks her up later as he walks gfs dog is she's working.

He cancelled seeing DD on her usual night as it was Valentine's Day and he wanted to take her out (DD comes home by 7.3pm so he still could have had the whole evening with gf). He's changed one weeked this month as he's going away for the weekend to meet her parents. I've already made plans that can't be changed so that leaves DD at a loose end.
He's booked a week away with her in the Easter hols even though he has an extra week before DD's hols start.

He actually said to DD this week that he 'has to divide his time equally between her and the GF now'

And all this whilst not paying maintenance.

I've responded by growing a backbone, contacting the CMS and asking for a larger share of the house equity and he is not impressed.

Believe me Treetop uni age feels similar. The trouble is my D wil have to CHOOSE a family home with associated parent income for student loans. She has to choose not have decision made for her...this is worse in my view. Though guess 15 ur old would be the worst. All a bit grim this week isn't it. I've been still in shock and calm up to now but apparently stbxh solicitor is serving papers for unreasonable behaviour next week not even discussion about possible 2 ur option. He has no idea what options are!! Despite trying not to I seem to be helping him simply because he's not bothering just wanting quick exit. It's horrible just feel discarded like a used condom (sorry). It's been 30 years this summer.
So glad to have this thread Tann you all for just being there.

Pandora he prioritises gf dog over DD!!! Words fail me. One day your DD will realise how much you have been there for her.
My stbxh told DD months ago he was planning to divorce me (he told me last week). Have these men no concept of parental responsibility? She was 18 poor girl. She's holding together remarkably, considering. Well done you and me for coping with this and I hope your daughter hasn't noticed his neglect .

Hi everyone.

My initial mediation meeting was yesterday. Much to my surprise, my ex had also agreed to attend a meeting later the same day and has agreed to see if mediation can get us to a financial agreement. I had assumed that the mediation meeting would just be something I had to do before starting the court process so it threw me a bit.

The mediator was very nice and went through the process with me then asked about the circumstances leading up the the appointment. We briefly went through our assets as I understand them and why we haven't managed to reach an agreement yet. She is meant to be very neutral but faced with the evidence of my ex's prolific adultery, his lies about finances and his lack of disclosure, she'd have to be not human not to understand why I don't trust him at all.

She also inferred, without saying anything directly, that by only asking for 50%, no maintenance and not going after his pension, that I am not asking for enough. That offer was more based on getting things settled quickly so now that I have run up solicitor's fees etc. I think I will ask for more, depending on what his income is at the moment.

She checked that I would be ok with seeing him face to face and advised what to do if I get too upset (just leave the room and she will come after me). I haven't seen him face to face, or been in contact other than through solicitors since I found out about his cheating in November. I am mostly feeling ok but annoyingly I know that I am likely to end up in tears at some point. Our meeting isn't going to be until mid-April though so another month to feel stronger. We will also arrive and leave separately and won't be left sitting in reception together.

I did receive another letter from his solicitor on Thursday night, it was sent on Monday, presumably to try to avoid mediation, but my solicitor has been away so I only received it on Thursday. This offer was slightly less than the previous one. I honestly have no idea why he would think that I would accept it. I guess he thought that I might rather accept than have to go to the meeting. I'm not even going to get my solicitor to respond so that was a total waste of money for him!

Anyway, that was long. I hope everyone is ok. Every day that passes is,a day closer to being free of them.

Every day that passes is a day closer to being free of them.

I wish it really felt like that though.

Wasband has just been round to pick up DD for the day and tried to guilt trip me by telling me that he now has £50 a week to live on and won't be able to afford to do anything with or buy anything for DD in future.

Don't seeing him cancelling the holiday with his GF though...arsehole.

Was still upsetting though. Like you Tapir I'm considering going back to the 50/50 arrangement re the house equity just to get it over. I'll be able to put a roof over our heads with that sum, even if it's rented for the time being and dragging this out is not doing any of us any favours.

DD can already see him for what he is to a degree so if he can live with that so be it...I may as well just cut my losses and move on I think.

Hi all Tapir useful stuff about mediation. I'm hoping to do this he didn't know about it. Yesterday he told me I will be issued with papers for unreasonable behaviour. This will amount to me spending too much money on our lovely new bathroom and throwing a few teacups around when I was menopausal. He hasn't even looked into mutual 2 yr option. Just leaving all to his solicitor who is supposed to be reasonable but starting off hard I suppose. Should I be invested that he he is using UB option and counter sue or whatever it's called? I seem to be only respondent on this thread are you all 'wanting rid'? This wasn't my idea at all. Didn't sleep last night and feel like I've been kicked in the chest by a horse today. Daughter is home thank goodness.

Sorry am repeating myself a bit, going a bit gaga I think

Hi proper job. I am the petitioner, but only because I found out that he was cheating on me. I though we had a good marriage and didn't want it to end. I honestly thought that we would be together forever.

I don't think, at the end of the day, it really matters who divorces who, the end result is the same. My ex's awful behaviour hasn't counted for anything so far.

The reason is just so that you meet the requirements to satisfy the judge. So that they'll give you the ok to divorce.

It doesn't make any difference to settlement or anything.

Obviously in the case of adultery it has to be the betrayed party who petitions but with other cases it can be either.

I've had the guilt tripping too Pandora. 'I've got to be able to live!!'

Yes, conduct doesn't matter in just about all cases - so I would not worry whether one or other side cites unreasonable behaviour - it's usually just a formality. The rushing piont is interesting. I felt my divorce 7 months from start to finish including finaces was very slow (I wanted the divorce). My husband thought it was rushed and very very quick - he didn't want to be divorced. I can understand both perspectives.

Help, if the finances are agreed on the basis of you being resident parent and the court order is signed he would need to go back to court for a variation if he then had 50:50.
Are you able to get spousal maintenance?

Proper, I am respondent although wanted divorce.Stbxh drafted a horrid petition which floored me when it arrived.Can you get sight of it before it arrives? Even suggest some innocuous behaviours? It has to be strong enough for divorce but not destructive towards you.
I know about the physical pain.Ex's behaviour meant I needed to get out of the marriage but it's still very painful.How are the children reacting to the news?

Tapir, my pre mediation went well but once joint started stbxh was hostile and mediator very weak.My recommendation is to not tolerate any poor behaviour and just walk.I felt 'abused' by ex and mediator didn't stop it.I wish I had called a halt as it was honestly awful.

So ex keeps hitting me with surprises, he's taking all the assets and buying a house before anything agreed.He will be stopping access to joint account so no money.He is just vicious/bitter and doesn't care if dc suffer.
My solicitor is applying to court but it could be months so guess we might need an interim order but will post on legal for advice.

Pleased to have next stage letter from the court already - fill in form for application for Decree Nisi - 2 forms. Not sure if they'll ask Ex to pay for divorce as I'm on benefits and claimed for them to be paid?

Hoping it's pretty smooth from here, not sure how long it takes.

Proper - I'm the petitioner but we both wanted a divorce. I kept the reasons fairly minimal as it's really just so the court agrees. Stbxh seemed surprised that I wasn't nasty . You can (and stbxh did this) respond along the lines of you disagree with the petitioner's reasoning but you don't want to contest the divorce iyswim.

Hermione - does that agreement have the amount of contact referred to in the agreement? My solicitor seems reluctant about agreeing contact. I must admit she's not filling me with confidence tbh (My original solicitor has gone on maternity leave) and I'm not convinced this one has grasped the financial complexity of my situation.

Hermione sorry you are having such a horrible time. I wish I could help how can a man take money away from his DC??
Anyway, my stbxh has admitted he has not looked into any details just asked solicitor, whom he hasn't even instructed yet FFS! I've been proceeding under complete misapprehension that he was going gung-ho for unreasonable etc. Seems he may be amenable to low cost mediated processes. I could kill him (metaphorically) for being so lazy. Meanwhile my mother is going apeshit on my behalf and although being really supportive I keep having to calm her down (my parents had a protracted and bitter divorce when I was my DDs age).
We've had a weird polite Sunday roast and I took daughter shopping, holding it together for her benefit. Our older DS is in phone contact but I think he is suffering more eldest child guilt.
It's only been 10 days, how life can spin on a moment eh.
Seeing two solicitors tomorrow.
Good luck this week everyone.

Proper, hope solicitors goes well.

Hi All,

Feeling so sad about the divorce process as ex is making it so high conflict.I realise I'm grieving for the poor parenting relationship as well as it's clear ex will not coparent with me..He refuses to tell me about dc, such as if they are upset, despite me being very open.Just have to accept his bitterness and knowing he's doing it as a power trip.
Had a situation where dc was upset about an activity on ex weekend and he didn't tell me and has made it clear he won't.Dc suffers not us.

His irrational aggressiveness comes from some "disorder" and it's hard to explain to people who don't know what he's like as they assume his hostility is rooted in some rational basis.Same with finances, won't agree something sensible so we are heading to court where he will have to give more than he's offering.

Hermonie, I know what you are going through and understand what you are saying because I'm in the same situation.

Re coparenting, I keep getting told that it has nothing to do with him and it is my problem but he couldn't be nicer to our DD's. So it is my problem downsizing from a three bed, 2 lounge house to move to a wee 2 bed house or flat. I should say I am happy to be moving to my own wee house but he won't take any of the furniture or any of the girls stuff but neither will he tell me sell anything or get rid of any of the girls' stuff in the loft that they don't want anymore. He has however told me I'll have to get rid of my 'crap'.

I'm really struggling with motivation at the moment. Part of that is me still getting over the cold/flu virus but the rest is apathy. I'd love to able to just move on but he keeps messing me around.

May I join you ladies? I feel like I need all the support I can get right about now.

H walked out on the DC and I at the end of January, totally out of the blue, although it subsequently transpires there's an OW (despite his vehement protestations to the contrary)

I received a letter from his solicitor today informing me that he's instigated divorce proceedings. If he hadn't petitioned then I would have, he's being an utter shit, but I can't help feeling sad that the last 20 years have boiled down to this.

I've seen both a solicitor, who was great, and a mediator who didn't instil me with a great deal of confidence - I've been a SAHM / trailing spouse for over a decade and so DC and I are obviously in a hugely vulnerable position financially. I'm worried he's going to completely shaft us and leave us homeless and penniless while he swans off into the sunset with his six figure salary and OW in tow.

Welcome JM

I recognise your name from your thread. So sorry to hear of your situation.

Hopefully if you have found a good solicitor they will be able to provide good advice to you. The split of finances has to be fair, so he won't be able to take everything. Are you already claiming child benefit and tax credits?

Thanks for the welcome NotJanine.

Yes, I've claimed Child Benefit and Tax Credits and am starting a part-time job next week.

My solicitor has suggested that my starting point should be remaining in the family home until youngest DC is 18 with STBXH paying child and spousal maintenance but I have no real idea whether that's realistic, or what his intentions are. I just hate feeling so powerless.

JM, you are most welcome but sad you have to be here.
Its about the children's needs which are to have a home and food so whilst a judge would expect you to have some income it's not realistic to assume you can walk into a well paying job.Therefore he will have to help fund your household and this depends on what is available from the martial assets and salaries.

At a minimum you will have Csa but if he is a very high earner a cap applies and you can get this increased.
I had such a worry at first but then started to put together my monthly budget.It helps to make it feel more do'able.I can now see a way where I will be able to cope.

Do you know all the family finances? Such as current mortgage and his salary? Take off his Csa payments and then see what's left from his salary.He will have living costs but anything extravagant will be challenged.

Most women I know have managed post divorce.You do rebuild but it's also important to know that courts won't let you and the children be destitute whilst he's living a life of luxury.The reality is he will have to contribute and if he moves in with OW his housing needs are reduced!

Mediation only works if your ex will be reasonable.In my case he refused to share pension details or even his p60 until mediation.Once in mediation he was super aggressive shouting down my really reasonable budget (I shouldn't have petrol!).If your ex wants to move on be might be more agreeable.The biggest downside for me to court is the delay..months until we even get a date so the stress continues.

Hi JM. Rest assured a judge won't let him leave you high and dry. I know it's easy for me to say but try not to become anxious about beng stuffed financially because it'll be difficult for him to do that. Look after yourself and your health for now.

Thank you all for the words of comfort.

I'm fluctuating between thinking we'll be okay and that he'll leave us destitute in order to fund his new life with OW. But the stark reality is that even if we end up living hand to mouth in some dingy hovel it's got to be preferable to spending the next 30 odd years with him...

So wish I could fast forward a year or so!