Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

We are also still staying in the matrimonial house (after 8 months). Legally I can't make him leave and he can't make me leave - long marriage. Still waiting for him to come up with proper financial settlement which will either be me keeping the house and him keeping his valuable pensions or selling the house and me getting a portion of his pension/s.

Interesting - thank you for sharing.
I just can't go on on the sofa. I'm 43, I've worked all my life (breadwinner) to find myself in this situation is really, really getting on my tits - it's been over a year. My back is screwed and I feel like it's all 'me' as he's told me and it's on me to file for divorce.
It doesn't even feel like a mountain to climb. It feels like a ladder...

Interesting that's awful. Surely it's reasonable for you to turn living room into your bedroom, find a cheap/free bed? Or is it open plan? Sorry: in a crisis I turn into internal designer.
Back home with Wasband (I love Mumsnet creations!). He has given notice at work so this is the first day of what should have been our happy retirement together. B*d.

Arghhhhhh. Can anyone help? Thought financials were just about agreed in but solicitor has now said that the contact isn't enforcable - I've based all the settlement on including the child maintenance I'd get. So basically if stbxh was feeling like and wanted to stop paying he could just keep the kids extra nights??? Surely then I could and up funding him?! What am I meant to do to sort that out?

*feeling poor

Help, can I just clarify, do you mean that Child Maintenance maybe lowered if your ex has the children more? Yes that can happen - see the calculation for the rates - it isn't that significant however as primary carer you would have to agree to more overnights (unless children are older).

Are you getting any spousal maintenance?
A contact agreement can be court ordered so any change would require a variation - and he would need to go back to court.
I might not be understanding the question however - so forgive me if I have got it wrong.

Quick update from me - I have had a revised offer from ex which actually works out worse than original. It's just crazy how little he is offering me and I feel it's such spite. He can't bear the thought I might thrive without him.
Hopefully my solicitor will issue the court request soon so I can at least have a timetable to work towards.

My gut instinct at the outset was he would be highly unreasonable but went along with mediation - some regret as it's just taken up time.

Ex is looking terrible these days, friends all comment on it, conversely I'm being told I'm looking happier and younger.

Had letter from the courts saying petition sent to my Ex - so finally got that far.

Car is playing up and loads of red tape still to fight through for housing benefit and the likes but one step at a time.

Hi all feeling low today it's all catching up with me now. I've been looking for a solicitor...spoke to one who said sounded like we could go through meditation and be OK. Anyone tried this?? We are older couple and it seems he is being transparent and fair so far (apart from wanting rid of me of course) glad your making progress Jaym. Going out again tonight keeping busy...

Damn. Mediation!
Would I be a mug to do this?

properjob - as I understand it, mediation is for when you can't agree on a financial settlement between the 2 of you. So you involve an impartial 3rd party. It is cheaper than involving solicitors, I think it should be in the hundreds rather than thousands.

Depends on how you and STBXH are with regards to discussing an agreement?

I haven't ended up going out tonight - to be honest feeling flat as car trouble and upset tummy. Feeling low about having had to give up my job - went in today and saw some old colleagues and waiting for my payslip.

Ex confirmed he's sent off the form and signed it - but wasn't pleased as they made it sound like he'll have to pay. He requested I file for divorce so if that happens it's on his request so nothing I can do. I've put in for funding but I guess if they can get him to pay they will.

Sorry to see that's it hitting everyone so hard at the moment.

I've been signed off for a fortnight with stress...waiting for Wasband's solicitor to reply to my one just finished me off.

I've taken a couple of days to just chill out and slept for hours. Popped up to my room for a 20 minute cat nap yesterday after lunch and woke up 3.5 hours later, much to my mum's disgust. Just shows how much all this takes it toll physically as well as emotionally.

After all the lengthy wait, my solicitor emailed me his response yesterday. He's switched from reasonable female solicitor, to Charlie Big-Boots, male senior partner at a long-established firm which I've no doubt MIL will be behind and funding.

The response was laughable - basically he's paid a couple of hundred quid for a letter that waffles on for 3 paragraphs about how aggressive the tone of our letter was and that it's not faaair & asks me for my Form E in the last line.

My solicitor is on holiday for the next week so can't get an appointment until the week after which means he'll have a bit of a wait on his hands. Having said that I'm starting to wonder if it's worth pursuing or if I'd be better just agreeing to the standard 50% and having done with it.

On a cheerier note, I was in the car, bored waiting for DD to come out of school this afternoon when an ad for Guardian Soulmates popped up on my screen. I couldn't resist checking it out and hot damn there are some decent specimens on there.

Definitely bookmarking for future reference and really quite frustrated that I'm not in a position to explore my options now if I'm honest!

Hermione - My solicitor doesn't seem keen on me getting contact agreed by the court. This is what she said:
"In relation to the children of the family an agreement can be entered into but this is not binding and I would suggest that the costs of preparing such agreement would not be cost effective"

After a week and a half at home off ill with the cold/flu virus and chest infection I'm heading back to work tomorrow. It's going to be hard going but I'm looking forward to it especially as he has been off ill and continues to be.

Over the last few days he has said the he wants the house up for sale immediately. I told him he can poke it as I'm not agreeing to that until we have a separation agreement/financial agreement in place. Youngest starts her Highers at the beginning of May so I said that the house can go up for sale the day her exams finish, on 23rd May. So it looks like he'll be able to buy a nice two bedroom house to live in on his own and I'll be able to buy a two bed flat or house for the three of us. It is a concern how I manage that as the girls don't really get on. However I'll do it even if it means having a bed at the back of the lounge. I know I'd much rather be living with my girls than be a lonely grumpy old fart. It also means that I'll be getting away from him. That'll just leave the pensions to split and then we can get divorced. It all seems so simple but I'm sure he'll arse it all up again.

It all seems so simple but I'm sure he'll arse it all up again.

Sounds about right

At least he's not fighting for the custody of the cat.

@ Jaffa

The first thing I packed was the guinea pigs!

Help, most child contact arrangements work well when just agreed between the couple (unless they really do not go on). In a sense if the court is deciding who has the children when you could argue that in itself is a failure so the solicitor is not wrong to suggest you just agree it. It is more important there is finances agreed and then set out in a "consent order"

Help, you can have a legally binding court order for contact but it means asking a court to sign it. However think she is saying if she draws up an agreement it won't be binding and costs money.My stbxh and I don't have any formal agreement on child contact just agreed EOW and 1 night during the week.With his ex wife he did go to court and get a formal agreement, was probadly around 2k but that was a quick process.

What's your concern re contact?

Proper, mediation is recommended when you need some assistance to structure a financial agreement.I would say it absolutely does not work if ex is hostile or you feel untrustworthy.Do you trust he will disclose and show you finances?
I went through it in January and ex was just hostile, it was an awful few hours.Mediator was very weak and allowed ex to be aggressive.
However it is required before court proceedings so a necessary step.

If you feel your ex is being open with finances then you could agree with him and take that to mediation who can formalise it.
Everything in mediation is without prejudice so you can still go back to your solicitor/court to clarify if ok.

Pandora, I think the stress does catch up with you.Adrenal fatigue happens as a result of long term stress.
Jaffa, glad you are doing OK and still keeping your sense of humour.

Jay, hope you feel better soon.Sorry I've missed it but what has happened with your work?

I must Google Adrenal Fatigue as I have a very underactive thyroid. I'm managing my meds ok atm but I really struggle when I'm stressed to remember to take them. I'm also not a good sleeper or first thing in the morning which makes it harder.

I am trying to eat much more healthily whilst I'm off - smoothies for breakfast, avocado on wholegrain toast or salad with nuts & seeds for lunch and dinner cooked from scratch with fresh ingredients. It's been so much easy to resort to ready prepared stuff and micro meals since we've been living with my parents.

Had a couple of lovely emails from my my SIL (BIL wife) this evening. DNiece is taking part in a charity event at the weekend and I mentioned when I sponsored her that DD and I might go and cheer her on. SIL has invited us to join her, BIL and the kids and the rest of her family for lunch afterwards .

Pandora hope you feel better soon

I've got a cold at the moment and I'm taking things very easy as I've managed to avoid illness for so long and feel that I could be reaching a state of collapse. I look horribly tired all the time. I too am trying to improve my eating as I got into the habit of eating cereals a lot of the time as I couldn't be bothered to cook. And consoling myself with sweet treats.

I had lost quite a bit of weight last year and I think I've put it back on now, but don't want to put on any more!

With regards to pets - I got custody of ours. STBXH did mention splitting the cats, but I just ignored that and took them both. I usually wake in the night and find one or other of them on the bed - which is nice.

Hello everyone, just checking in and catching up with your updates. Pleased to see we're all still standing, even if wobbly!

I've had a couple of court dates, CAFCASS interview and now, waiting for first finance hearing. All possibly a waste of time as narcissist Wasband has blatantly refused to provide his Form E and missed all the court deadlines! Aaargghh! Means we'll just have a day in court where he gets told off, and we'll probably be given another dates, months away! Feels like this will never end, but life's been much better since I got him out of rented FMH! The battle continues....Hang in there, ladies xx

I had a very bad tension headache this week, to the extent I couldn't concentrate on the final episode of The Replacement! Seriously, I really resent the impact of this on my physical health. Sleep patterns are ok but I wake up early with a sense of foreboding sometimes. Ex has been a bit disorganised re paperwork (but not malicious) and we're not as far along as we should be, which I'm not pleased about. There's a new woman on the scene which doesn't bother me (I wasn't in love with him or sexually interested) but which makes me want to sort finances asap in case she's apt to interfere. Men can get very silly when their hormones take over, so I want to finalise legally the money stuff we amicably agreed upon.

My understanding of the divorce process is that priority is given to ensuring the dc have adequate housing. My agreement in principle is based on including the child maintenance. My worry is that after the financials are agreed, stbxh will feel poor and decide to have 50/50 custody so he doesn't have to pay any. That would leave me £300 per month worse off and unable to get a large enough mortgage to provide housing.

In case that's not clear, from what I can tell child maintenance is separate from the court agreed finances. So I'm worried we'll agree everything with me expecting child maintenance and afterwards, stbxh will insist on 50/50 care to get out of paying child maintenance.