Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

Jaffa, wish you better and take care.I had similar and I took ages to recover, suspect iit's stress however as it does lower your immune system.

Well it's all going south here this weekend. Anyone good on the legal stuff?

So...Still no response to solicitors letter from Wasband, although had a call yesterday from the CMS to say he'd agreed to pay up voluntarily but won't happen for a few weeks.
He dropped DD back this evening having told her "There's going to be lots of stuff going on over the next few months but always remember I love you..."
He then proceeded to inform me that he would not allow me to access the house without him being present, and that I should bring after witness with me when I pick my stuff up as he will have one with him.
Have been over this moring just to check it out and he has either locked up internally or changed the locks.
Anyone have any ideas what my rights are re forcing entry/gaining access? The house is in his name but there are a large number of my personal possessions in there and I'm sure other people have access (his parents and possibly the gf). Can't believe he wants to stand over me with a witness while I pack some old clothes for ebaying, my vinyl collection and my art and craft stuff...twat!

Sorry, get well soon Jaffa and hope things are a bit clearer this morning Proper...am typing this in a car park so not really firing on all cylinders.

Thanks all got to my Mums and sat with daughter on sofa...we are both quite calm. Would appreciate any advice on how to help her cope obv telling her no fault of hers if she says, no gory details etc. I have strongly suggested she sees Uni counsellor I found them brilliant.
STBXH has removed his ring, lovely! Don't quite know what to do with mine ...otherwise all very calm and transparent, but facing prospect of much much less comfortable retirement. That's the worst bit, right?
Last question does anyone know if Uni loan amounts are judged on separated not divorced parents' incomes? Can't see thread very well on phone sorry

It's based on the income of the resident parent.

I asked the same thing on here a few weeks ago as wanted to know if I should include it in the financial order for the future.

Sorry to hear that Pan...I was told I had rights to enter house even if I mostly lived away but it's in my name too. Am Not much of an expert...yet

And me, I am menopausal so get in a right state, I had a 24 hour panic attack, had to call sister who lives abroad at 3 in the morning her time to talk me down before I did something stupid.
Keep asking myself why was I stupid enough to marry this man.
Legal costs are killing and I'm at risk of losing my home after 35 years of hard work. i feel devastated.

Keep asking myself why was I stupid enough to marry this man.

I hear ya sista!

Friend elsewhere has helped me find out some info so will draft a letter to him and run it by solicitor on Monday.

I have a couple of people in mind who will be more than happy to help me collect my stuff...

I feel for you Mermaid it's awful isn't it heart thudding, feeling dizzy....going to try a small amount of wine and later a Phenargan (heavy duty antihistamine) try to sleep tonight....am slouched on sofa being looked after by 82 year old mother! Waiting for the anger....

I've also been having horrific panic attacks. Have doubled my ADs and have diazepam as a back up (just a tiny dose if I need it of an evening once DD is in bed). GP has said she is happy to sign me off for a bit but my job is relatively new and going well so I'm reluctant to go that route.

What I really, desperately need is some time and space on my own. When I'm not at work the house is never quiet and DD is very high maintenance at the moment, every minute we're at home she wants us to be together. She won't stay over with Wasband and doesn't really do sleepovers much.

I've been thinking about booking a couple of days away on my own but DD finds my mum hard work and I'd probably come back to even more aggro afterwards.

Pandora, they may get along fine, and surprise you. It sounds as if you desperately need a few days away. Are you thinking of a retreat or the like?

Get better soon Jaffa. Do you think that your ex is still tracking your social media?

Welcome to the recent posters. It's tough, but there is support out there. I'm 2.5 months ahead of you and I'm feeling a lot better although the uncertainty is hard - I want it over and done with.

That's good to hear Treetop...happy to report that 50mG of phenargan really helped me stopped the surges of panicky heart racing and I slept quite well. It is prescribed for insomnia but read the leaflet online there's lots of advice. I don't take any other medication though...well not yet, I will be going to doctors Monday for advice.
So here's a question, mentioned above...stbxh and share lots of friends both personal and professional, only on fb I don't use other sites now. Nothing has appeared on either of our timelines yet. Any advice on how to handle that? At least I can stop following his UKIP loving uncle now...

Ah yes, the panicky heart rate. I remember it. It will pass.

Facebook - I'm not a big fan and rarely post but I'm on there. I deleted his family and friends (no point maintaining superficial friendships with people I'll never see again) and it seems he did the same. We only have two genuinely mutual friends now, a neighbouring elderly couple. I didn't update my status or anything. I blocked ex because I don't want him popping up on my timeline at all, which is a risk with mutual friends.

I also hid friends who tend to post lovey-dovey statuses. I don't need to read how awesome and generous Debbie-from-school's husband is.

Wasband and I share a lot of FB friends. So far they are still friends with both of us online and in RL.

I have blocked my PILs, elder BIL and his DW but remained friends with younger BIL and his family - Wasband never got on with them so we were closer anyway.

Initially I remained friends with Was, then he had a slightly stalkerish phase so I restricted his access. Since the nisi and ensuing aggro re house/finances commenced a couple of weeks ago he has defriended me.

I have also in followed one or two friends due to their nauseating posts about their 'hubbies'!

Pandora, I'm so sorry to hear he's being a twat but you knew there would be repercussions. I don't know much about the legal side of it especially as you name isn't on the deeds but perhaps that is immaterial as it was the matrimonial home. I do remember reading somewhere that if you have been out of the house for 6 months then you have no rights to access it anymore but I have no idea if that is correct. Personally, I'd just play his game and arrange to go round with a friend and remove your stuff that way he can't ever say you have been difficult.

Treetop, he made a comment to me about something I had said on another thread on here, he has followed me on a craft blog and a couple months ago I joined facebook to be a part of a secret craft group. No sooner was I on there and he was questioning me as to why I had put myself as separated! I told him that as we split up last July I would be lying if I said I was married, divorced or single! He's not on fb but the girls are so I guess he used them. Also, in the last couple of weeks I have been getting an AVG pop up saying something like 'other people can see what you are viewing online'!

Proper, I agree what treetop says about fb. The only other thing that I would say is that if you see or hear of any nasty comments don't rise to them or answer them. The truth will come out in the end.

To anyone who is thinking about taking time off work just think twice. I know I am extremely lucky in that I really enjoy my work. The doc had offered me time off work but I refused. However, I am not on AD's or having panic attacks. The worst I have had is some major meltdowns at work where my colleagues have been very supportive. At the moment I am overwhelmed with apathy. I am currently off work ill and hating it because he is having a ball with me being ill, I'd much rather be at work.

I think it'll be a visit to the docs tomorrow for me as I think it's gone into my chest. No doubt the stress has made me worse.

Ownership of the house is irrelevant if it's the family home and given that I have personal property inside. Yesterday was the only opportunity I had to go round with him not in, so it will be weeks before I can get anything now.

I am drafting a letter informing him that he is behaving illegally but agreeing to go round with 'witnesses' at a later date, which I will let him know once I've made arrangements.

Thanks ladies for good thoughtful advice. Had lovely afternoon with daughter but as the train was pulling out I saw her break down on the platform...I was so sad. Weirdly I still haven't cried much at all...am really scared about breaking down...going back to the 'family home' tomorrow can't say I'm looking forward to it.

Proper, seeing my dc cry is the worst feeling.Makes me cry just to think about it however logically I know they will be fine.

Good idea about counsellor at Uni.Is she 1st year?

Insomnia is the worst side affect of menopause for me.
Had to spent time with ex due to dc activity.I think he was trying to be nice as friends around. I struggled to be civil as he's making life so hard re finances and all trust is gone.
His aggressive behaviour in mediation was such a turning point for me and I only realise it now.

Not sure how to act around him, or if this is a stage and after a settlement I will feel less hostile.

Pandora, Hope you are ok.I think as the process goes on we are all feeling more fragile but it will get better.
Treetop, what stage are you at now in divorce?

Tapir, when's mediation? thought it was happening soon'ish.

I was wondering if anyone knows whether you have to pay for a court bailiff to deliver your divorce petition if you are receiving help with court fees?

We've just done everything by bog standard post Sherlock

Hermione - I am awaiting the decree nisi which has only just been applied for, and I'm just about to start Consent Order re the money. I want it all sorted. If I could fast forward to the day before decree absolute day, I would, even if it meant missing the summer!

We're amicable (I didn't love or fancy my ex, but I liked him and I still do). However, I am mindful that this can change in a heartbeat, so the quicker it's final, the better. He has started seeing someone, which could muddy the waters, so whilst I'm not at all cross or jealous, I'm naturally wary.

Can I ask what your living arrangements are? I spoke to him and told him what solicitor said and he thinks I was misadvised.

I don't really want to make him homeless anyway - but he should be entitled to working allowance on a low wage if he did move out?

I really do want it to be amicable. I'm terribly confused in all honesty.

I'm in the family home with the DCs (it's in my name) and he's renting from a friend who's gone abroad. He's hoping to buy a place in May when a bonus arrives - he has already started looking on Rightmove. He wants some of our furniture which is of course fine - I'll replace it eventually. I'm belt-tightening - it won't be a breeze financially - but it'll be worth it.

I'm facing prospect of having to share house with stbxh till sold although we are fortunate as after a lifetime of small flats in city we had moved out to decent sized country house. I am nearly 60 had my daughter really late she's just gone to uni. I retired slightly early last year after a lifetime of working. He has resigned today to retire soon. Is it reasonable to ask him to leave or should I grit my teeth soak up the shock and save the money (from him renting)? Sorry not to be much help to others yet. I've still no idea what I'm doing but am in process of finding solicitor. Sending hugs it's sh*t isn't it 😖

Iron I'm stuck living with him as my solicitor has advised me not to move out. He is better off financially than me, wants to buy me out of the family home but I will be the resident parent. So, a bit unusal as normally the resident parent would want the house or the house would be sold. I've been advised to stay until finances are sorted and approved by court.