Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

Neon I wrote down lots of questions beforehand but my solicitor answered most of them before I asked. I'd completed the divorce petition beforehand and got her to check it for me before I posted it. They'll probably go through the process with you and get a rough idea of your finances and what outcome you would like/what's feasible.
Don't forget to ask about their fees and when they are to be paid. I haven't paid my solicitor anything yet, It's due when we reach a settlement with my ex.
Good luck :)

Nothing to report with me in terms of the divorce/settlement but I did go on a hike with a meet up group this weekend which was fun and I think that I might have made a new friend. I'd recommend giving it a go if you want to get out of the house, try something new or find new friends.

Many thanks Tapir

Solicitor was keen to instruct but poss due to finances! Suggests I need to get house in my name and him to rent. I've already suggested this to him and he won't budge. Too much debt for any financial settlement so not sure really.

Hi all - starting to feel a bit frustrated - trying not to. Seems like red tape is dragging me down.
Waiting for housing benefit - rent dept chasing me - have paid water rates for 7 weeks now. Child benefit was stopped as in ex's name, been told can take 12 weeks to be processed - but great news is it'll be back dated (yes i'm tongue in cheek as i say that - as my kids still need feeding and clothing - so back dating isn't a great thing really is it but they make it sound like it is).
Divorce papers were sent back as the exact name of the registry office was wrong ? ? i wrote what was there, so have put the other version it mentions, and hope it'll be accepted now. they had the marriage cert so why couldn't they just process it?

I'm busy painting the kitchen - something ex was supposed to do for years. So getting somewhere there and nice to see it clean and fresh again. :) Onto the hallway after that.

It is a very frustrating process Jaym. I could legally be divorced in two weeks time and moving on with my life, but I won't be, solely because of my ex's awkwardness.

Good for you getting on with your painting. I am desperate to do some decorating but can't in case the house ends up going back to my ex. I don't want him to get to move into a freshly decorated house while I have to move into rented!

Not sure how long this will all take to be honest, but financial side is a pain in the butt at the moment. Have transferred some money from one credit card to another on zero % but my car is facing MOT and praying she passes so i don't end up worse off.

Pinky, what will happen to the house? It's definitely not in your interests to pay out before a consent order as that closes the claims on both sides.

I've had a tough time emotionally as realised that ex is likely to have NPD.I knew he wasn't 'normal' but it's scary to think he knows what he's doing..I found a comment I wrote 4 years ago in a journal "I'm nothing to Ex, a resource for him to rely on, get affection from, have partner status.I don't have any instrinst value to him".At the time I didn't know about npd but its a pretty close definition.

I don't think ex was quite prepared for me to walk away, he hadn't quote lined up his next victim so he's acting viciously.

Oops pressed send too soon! I think long term it will help me as I know ex can't sustain relationships but it's also scary as he can be so vindictive.I doubt I can avoid court which will just take time and cost.
Otherwise I'm fine with a judge making a decision as I believe it will be fair and from friends experience it's not too bad.

Jaffa, hope you are doing OK.
Jay, sometimes it can feel like everything is against you but you are making headway.
Tapir, are you scheduling mediation?
Pandora, how's life at home with parents?

I am focusing on the good things in my life.My ds's smile is like sunshine and I'm so fortunate to have good friends and family who care about me.I am also grateful for the warmer weather and looking forward to Spring.

Hi Hermione, yes my initial mediation meeting is next Friday. Apparently I have to attend even if my ex refuses to take part which does seem a little pointless, and another £100 down the drain.

I don't know of anyone who's gone to court to get a financial settlement agreed so your friend saying that it's not too bad is encouraging. My ex has done so many things that will go against him in court, or so my solicitor tells me, that I am hopeful it will be ok, just expensive.

He drove past me this morning in his very expensive mid-life crisis sports car. I really hope that one day he will have the smile wiped off his face.

I'm not sure if it will work but I found this definition of a sociopath the other day. This is my ex to a T

Tapir, yes you need a mediation sign off document to send to go with court application.If he doesn't turn up that might be better than him sitting for several hours just making silly offers.That's what happened to me, ex offered finances that he knew I wouldn't accept.

I think in high conflict divorces there is something else going on (npd, sociopath) as it's just not "normal".Ex was hostile from the start so I am not surprised at his hostility now.His solicitor may talk sense into him but my solicitor says she sees too many men who just won't take advice.

Hi folks.

Sounds like you are both in the right kind of headspace atm Hermione and Tapir even if it is a long, gruelling process.

Life here with The Olds is ok. DD is struggling with it still a fair bit but I'm feeling quite resigned and trying make the most of the situation by seeing it as a 'chrysalis phase'. I'm going to take this time to get my finances straight, lose weight, get fitter and look after myself as best I can while this is all going on, so once we're out the other side I can really have a fresh, positive start.

We looked at a flat last week to rent but the LL wanted £900 up front, non-refundable just to take it off the market and do the referencing so that was a non starter. It was immaculate but the LL was extremely uptight and highly strung so don't think it would have ever really felt like home.

Am hoping to hold out at The Olds until the settlement is in place and the house is sold as if I can get 60-70% of the equity I should just about be able to buy somewhere. It will probably be somewhere a bit dated and scruffy but so long as it's structurally sound and has the basics I'll be happy. I love DIY and am fairly handy in that department so would love the challenge of doing somewhere up and making it ours. Both my best mates are gardeners too which will help when the time comes as I don't have a green fingered bone in my body.

It's now a week since Wasband got the solicitors letter and have had no response. He will be hearing from the CMS this week too if he hasn't already. I was expecting him to go batshit but radio silence so far, even MIL hasn't got involved which is highly unusual.

I also haven't received my nisi certificate yet, although it was pronounced on 24th Feb, so have chased that up by email.

Decree nisi should have been awarded today.

When do I need to do a form e? Solicitor hasn't mentioned it but I wonder if that's because I'm trying to work out an amicable settlement.

I think my husband has finally got the initial form saying I have applied for a divorce.

I've just had a phone call from my father saying my STBXH has asked to meet him and did I know what it might be about?

I hadn't told anyone in my family I was going ahead with a divorce. We are Asian and it is very much looked down on in my family. I think they thought that now we were separated, I wouldn't take it any further.

I am terrified. Really panicking and I don't really know why. I'm worried about what he is going to say to my dad. I know I shouldn't be and I shouldn't invest so much in what my parents think but I really really want this to just be over already.

I have no money and can't afford to pay for a solicitor to sort out finances and things. But he knew this was coming. I told him I was filing and that it would be under the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. I just wish he would sign it and leave me along.

Sorry. Venting. Just really upset.

Helpmeltb - if you're sorting out the finances between yourselves then you don't need to do the Form E

Sherlock - did you tell your father? Probably best if you can explain first, before he speaks to STBXH?

Sherlock, can you try to put positives to your father i.e he wont have financial claims in future.I appreciate it's tough as family approval is important.I feel fortunate my family back me, initially they questioned if I was being unreasonable as ex had such an outward charm it was hard to believe he could be angry.

Will there be pressure to reconcile?

Just told this morning he wants a divorce after 30 years together. While I'm in shock I be put a few things in place just to protect myself. We have a 25 DS and 19 DD he told them a month ago and they have had to keep it secret from me. He's being very reasonable and wants everything to go smoothly...I don't even know who I am at the moment!! Number has somewhat prepared me for this but I never believed it would come to it after all we've been through together. Am going to see my Mum and daughter (she's at Uni near her) tomorrow. Feeling really numb. Can anyone tell me what to expect to go through emotionally? Should I drive 150 miles tomorrow?? All advice welcome. Help me Mumsnet!!

Is your DD home from uni any time soon? If so, and she's ok I'm not sure I would do that drive this weekend.

More importantly how are you feeling? Were you expecting this? Are you relatively happy, resigned or devastated about the situation?

As for what to expect...we're all different people in different circumstances so no one can really tell you that. The nearest I could manage is to say expect the unexpected - it is a rollercoaster ime - but also know that it is a process and you just have to get through it a stage at a time and look after yourself as best you can .

Just wanted to say thank you for your help. My dad was OK with it all in the end. Still waiting to hear from my STBXH though...

Properjob, he told the children before you?? Unbelievable.

Ok, assess how you are feeling, after shock wears off you may feel ill and unable to eat.You need to practice self care so if you drive assume you may not want to go back straight away if emotional.Telling your mum could make it feel real.

Get support from friends, don't be afraid to lean on them.

Do you suspect OW? Just awful if you find out Is when you believe it isn't the case.

Arrange to see a solicitor, does he want to divorce straight away or wait 2 years.If he is being generous now then a divorce is in your interests.Do you know financial details ?
When will he move out?

I don't know if anyone has seen this but it might help. I got my copy from my local library but it's on Amazon too

Pandora, Hermione thanks. I've had some great support from friends today. STBXH will drive me to train station tomorrow. I'm 59 and see my happy retirement disappearing...anyway, just beginning to realise implications. I think there is an interest in OW but honestly believe he's been faithful up to now. However he's lost 2 stone recently....don't want to 'drip feed ' as they say not sure how much to post though so much is unknown! Anyone know of good legal advice in Bristol area? Hoping to be amicable but I need to be careful he's a very clever man in some ways.

Proper, expect your emotions to go higher and lower than you have ever felt before but allow yourself to feel these emotions. Also try some self help like mindfulness or simply getting out for regular walks whilst listening to music so you can switch off. If you mood gets very low and remains there then go and see your doctor. As Pandora has already said expect the unexpected.

One (of the many things) I have learned is that sorting things out will take a lot longer than you might imagine. I would advise you to take copies of paperwork - p60, bank statements, payslips, pension statements etc. Once money starts getting talked about then things could get nasty and he has already shown himself to be nasty by asking your children to keep that secret.

Don't shut yourself away, let people know what is going on, lean on family and friends and continue to arrange things to do like lunches out etc so that you have something to look forward to. Don't cancel any arrangements just because you don't feel like going nearer the time as it's good to get out regardless.

I'm no where near Bristol so can't advise on that but seeing a solicitor for advise asap is an excellent and essential first step.

Forgot to say - Pandora, Hermonie, I'm fine, just in bed with a cold/flu like virus.

Thanks all going to try to sleep soon will check back tomorrow