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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support for those starting the divorce process

999 replies

hermione2016 · 26/09/2016 09:29

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

OP posts:
Jaym2017 · 28/02/2017 19:43

So sorry you're left in this position. :( Hope things get sorted for you.

I posted the letter - still played on my mind but is the right thing to do and he requested it.

After him assuming me to be the earner for 9 or more years, he got a job today! He has no idea how hard he's going to work as a carer - I've done the job - he was all positive about our postcode range only - it's a huge geographical area. But i've left him to it.

I signed on today for 2nd time, no money through yet but had a phonecall and hopeful that it'll come through soon.

Had brunch with some biker friends (I ride a motorbike) so was a great laugh as a break. and pancakes with the girls after they got back from time with their dad.

user1488308965 · 28/02/2017 20:03

me me ! he wont start divorce proceedings , its his house, all his !so he tells me. Married 16 years. He wont move out.

NotJanine · 01/03/2017 15:59

Jaym - is it the divorce petition you've posted?

Good to hear you enjoyed your brunch. It's always nice to spend time with friends

Jaym2017 · 01/03/2017 21:17

Yes - posted off yesterday and he talks about it like it's matter of fact so guess he's not as bothered about us splitting as he made out. but there we are, not sure how long it'll take of if any hick ups, but first hurdle taken.

JaffaCakesMum · 01/03/2017 23:50

Omg. I've just been accused of having an affair and apparently I'm seeing someone now. People have been tellung him. If he can get proof then he is going to have me for adultery and he's going to make my life very difficult. I haven't had an affair or slept with anyone btw. I actually feel quite scared.

TheTapir · 02/03/2017 09:01

Jaffa how awful for you. At least you know that there can't be any proof and once the divorce papers have been filed and agreed then what would be the point of changing them, if it's even possible?

My ex was cheating on me and so far I've been disappointed how little his bad behaviour has been taken into account.

Sherlock35 · 02/03/2017 09:18

I'd like a bit of a handhold, please. I got the letter through yesterday saying my divorce petition had been sent to my STBXH and I am really scared. We're from a quite traditional Asian background and divorce is very much frowned upon. My family don't want me to go ahead with it; they think him moving out is enough and I should let it be but I feel pretty traumatised by the whole business and just want to draw a line under the whole thing.

I've filed under unreasonable behaviour which is going to put his back up massively and he moved just after I filed which means it's going to a different address initially.

I'm just having a mad panic. I know logically this is the right thing to do and I definitely don't want to be married to him. But I have no job, no money for solicitors and am terrified of the emotional pressure and abuse he will likely heap on me when he gets the petition.

NotJanine · 02/03/2017 10:13

Jaffa - how awful. Didn't you say before that he had mentioned something else that he had heard about you from 'people' ? do you think he's just making it all up and trying to see if you admit to anything? What stage is your divorce at?

Sherlock - Flowers have you got any family or friends who are supporting you? Also, have you looked into what financial benefits you are entitled to?

Hermonie2016 · 02/03/2017 14:57

Sherlock, I know that feeling of fear.It's just awful but you will get through it.

I can see why your family want to hold off the divorce but in reality if it's an abusive relationship you are best to get all ties severed asap.The 2 year wait I think works if you are dealing with reasonable people, which some of us aren't!
Try to control your anxiety (easier said than done) through breathing and just be prepared for his backlash.Recognise it's spiteful and try to 'observe not absorb'.Have you got one person you can vent with?

On a practical note do you have children? Is your H a reasonable earner? Some solicitors will take payment at the end of the divorce process.

TreeTop7 · 02/03/2017 15:47

Jaffa - I reckon he's bluffing. Which means that he's on the back foot perhaps.

Sherlock I understand that feeling of nerves and trepidation. I have it too. I wake up feeling edgy. Getting the ball rolling is a positive step. With every stage that passes you'll hopefully feel a bit better.

Hope everyone else is coping ok.

Sherlock35 · 02/03/2017 16:13

Thank you for your comments!

Neither of us are earning. He left his job after long term sick leave with morbid obesity and I had to leave my job because he couldn't take care of our children. We have a DD10 and a DS7, who is autistic.

He's moved out and is in a council flat about 5 minutes away but I am really worried that he'll come after the house and I'll be forced to sell it.

TheTapir · 02/03/2017 16:26

Sherlock most solicitors give a free first meeting so you could try that for advice. I would think that they would also be able to advise you about legal aid.

Sherlock35 · 02/03/2017 17:59

I've taken advice already and am not entitled to legal aid because of the value of the house but thank you!

He's entitled to 50% because we've been married so long. Am hoping he will see sense and let me and the DC stay there rather than making us sell up and not be able to afford anywhere but he's not exactly famous for his common sense

TheTapir · 02/03/2017 18:35

Common sense seems to be one of the first things out of the window for most of the men involved!

PandoraMole · 02/03/2017 21:23

Sherlock 50% is the starting point and if you are the children's primary carer you may be entitled to more.

Hermonie2016 · 03/03/2017 13:45

A solicitor told me that mesher orders are making a comeback, probadly due to high house prices.
If your ex is housed then it's likely you won't have to sell as long as it's not excessive.I.e 5 bed house for 3 people.
Can you afford the house on your own? Does either of you have pensions?

Sherlock35 · 03/03/2017 14:34

The mortgage is in my name and so is the house. I'm paying all my own bills at the moment. The Mescher order seems like a way to go.

Sherlock35 · 03/03/2017 14:36

I have a tiny pension and live in a mid terrace three bedroom house that has had some adaptations made to it for my DS and he lives in a one bedroom flat about 5/10 minutes away

A lot of this is fear of the unknown, I think. Not knowing how he will react to getting the papers and whether he will sign them.

PandoraMole · 04/03/2017 19:17

How's everyone doing?

It's been a bit of a trying week in various ways.

Wasband Grin must have received the solicitors letter and is maintaining radio silence. We haven't spoken for nearly 3 weeks now.

I did my application to the CMS this morning so just a case of wait and see what comes next Confused

JaffaCakesMum · 04/03/2017 21:44

I thought I'd make everyone aware that my STBXH has ID'd me. He made a comment the other night that had me realise that he is following my posts and it is possible that he may even be posting.

To STBXH, I'd just like to say that I have re-read my posts and I stand by everything I have said and this particular thread serves as an excellent journal should it ever be needed.

To everyone else, I'm still going to be here as I find you guys so supportive and full of information. So on that subject, nothing is happening here. He is best pals with the DD's and he ignores me. He just refuses to talk to me about anything saying that I am harassing him when I ask to talk. I just want to sort out my future. He has said that he isn't moving out and it is looking more and more like I'll either have to spend the rest of my life living in the same house as him or we will have to go to court to get a financial agreement.

Helpmeltb · 05/03/2017 10:50

Struggling at the moment. Stbxh just seems to be trying to make me feel like shit. Dd2 (7) is now regularly going playing up at bedtimes (better since I've done a reward chart) and random meltdowns where she lashes out hitting/kicking/biting, including taking it out on her sister. Stbxh refused to have dd2 today so that i could treat dd1 to a nice day rather than one sat in the house while i try to restrain dd2 from attacking her AngrySad

PandoraMole · 05/03/2017 18:05

((Hugs)) Help.

There's no need to feel shit. You're doing your best in very difficult circumstances.

Your stbxh however, should be feeling shit for not prioritising his children and supporting them regardless of your relationship.

Pinky9672 · 05/03/2017 19:08

Hi looking for some advice. My husband and I have recently seperated and def not getting back together so looking at divorce proceedings. He left the property. He's now given me a list of value of things in the house. Some of the things were paid for by his mum and he's saying that he cld take them back or I pay him half for them. He's also saying that he is valuing items like the suite as if it was new today. Can anyone please advise me as am so confused.

IronNeonClasp · 06/03/2017 17:48

I have an hour appointment tomorrow. What sort of questions should I ask? I am instigating the split.

BoringUsername17 · 06/03/2017 19:49

Pinky, don't give him any money for house contents now. Go and see a solicitor and find out your legal position. Mine has told me very firmly not to give my ex any money until the final financial position is agreed. Because at a later date it may be impossible to prove that the money you gave him was for his share.

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