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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support for those starting the divorce process

999 replies

hermione2016 · 26/09/2016 09:29

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

OP posts:
PandoraMole · 21/02/2017 15:57

Of course you are Neon - that's shocking.

Best of luck with it all. I think the first step is definitely the hardest.

Saw my solicitor today - she's great. We had a quite a laugh at the latest installment of stbxh's antics Grin. She's given me some good advice to be going on with - don't want to go into details just in case he's on here but she was very helpful.

Also saw GP who was brilliant too. Had a good chat and there is a possibility of my being able to access counseling that fits around full time work - may be a late afternoon appt or telephone sessions. Got a new prescription as have had to.up my anti depressants since the beginning of the year, and she's aid that if I'm ever really struggling to cope and need to be signed off, to just give her a call and she will sort out a certificate without me having to go in.

I'm very lucky to have found such supportive professionals to help me on this journey.

DD is with his lordship today but due home shortly so making the most of last half hours peace and quiet!

BoringUsername17 · 21/02/2017 18:35

Hi, I'm a lurker. It's bloody impossible to know what to tell the kids (teens and a 6 year old). I had to ask their dad to leave after he assaulted one of the kids and was abusive to me. Before I was able to talk to them he told them he was leaving because I had falsely accused him of abuse and he was afraid of me. How do you respond to that? The teens were furious with me for lying and throwing their dad out, as he explained it. So I had to tell them what had happened. They feel I have over-reacted because they don't really understand the seriousness of what he has done. It's a nightmare.

PandoraMole · 21/02/2017 20:00

((Hugs)) - that must be really shit.

Have you tried speaking to someone at Women's Aid? I wonder if they could give you advice on that front?

BoringUsername17 · 21/02/2017 23:20

Thanks Pandora. I have an IDVA (independent domestic violence advisor). I will talk to her X

Jaym2017 · 22/02/2017 10:12

Less than a month he's been gone and asks for a divorce today.. so here I am. Have filled in form and online funding application as I'm on JSA for the first time in my life.

Year of change...

NotJanine · 22/02/2017 10:35

boringusername so sorry to hear that. Hope you can get some help with your advisor or the charity.

Jaym how are you feeling about it?

Jaym2017 · 22/02/2017 10:56

Honestly, mixed. I instigated us separating but he moved out. Neither of us were happy but it was me that looked the bad guy - so now it's me that looks the bad guy on paper too, but financially it makes sense as he's a student and won't get any help. We have nothing to debate other than contact with our children. And to be honest we only got married to change my name and make things legally more secure for eldest daughter if anything happened to me - as my mum was alive and i didn't want her going to my mum.

There is no going back and i guess he's seeing that now hence him asking. Just thought we'd end up waiting the 2 years out.

End of an Era - but am keeping my name as 3 DD's with same name.

PandoraMole · 22/02/2017 12:36

How old are your DD'S Jay? Are the coping ok?

My DD is 12.5 and has been having counselling since we left. She was referred beforehand due to stress of living with stbxh's behaviour and then the appt came through the day after we moved out.
We're living with my parents at the moment and she's not finding that easy either (they are elderly and very set in their ways, especially mum, so it's all a bit hard going.

I was planning to keep my married name but have changed my mind due to stbxh's recent antics. I'm fairly certain he's desperate to get a ring on the finger of his new woman as soon as possible and I'll be damned if I'm keeping his name if there's a new Mrs Stbx!

NotJanine · 22/02/2017 13:13

Hope things aren't going to be too stressful for you Jay

I don't think I will keep my married name. It's a rare (odd) name so it is definitely linked to him IYSWIM. I want to try and lose lots of the ties.
However I'm unsure that I want to go back to my maiden name as I don't like the name much and it feels like my childhood name to me.

I have thought of taking another family name (grandparents) but none of them are very exciting! Would be good if I had a valid reason to change it to something exotic. I know you can call yourself whatever you want.

Jaym2017 · 22/02/2017 21:39

Hmmm yeah you could just say it was your mums maiden name or something - to those that need an explanation. I did think of my mums maiden name as it's nice, but i was never attached to my own maiden name as it was my dads and never knew him. Also as you say - a childhood name and one that meant spelling it, where as my current name is short and easy.

I do feel more positive tonight - not sure how long it takes but i'm sure by the end of the year it'll be 'over'.

PandoraMole · 23/02/2017 12:31

Just received a draft of the letter my solicitor is proposing to send stbxh.

I don't know what effect it'll have on him, but it bloody terrified me!

JaffaCakesMum · 23/02/2017 12:46

Pandora, that made me laugh. It doesn't matter what I do he goes ape shit. I had an estate agent round yesterday to give me an idea of the value. I told him about it beforehand, giving him the opportunity to be there but no he went ape telling me I was petty point scoring. Fine, then I won't tell him how much it's worth!

TheTapir · 23/02/2017 12:59

Very good Pandora & Jaffa positive steps. :)

So far my ex hasn't responded to the letter inviting him to mediation, they're going to try calling him today.

NotJanine · 23/02/2017 13:04

Pandora - does it go directly to him or via a solicitor?

Jaffa - blimey, slight over-reaction by him I think?

I've been trying to find information about some finances before we separated and thought there could be something in my email history. Couldn't find anything but it brought up some romantic emails I had sent him last year when I was trying to revive our marriage, a couple of weeks before life went pear-shaped. Sad Hindsight can make you feel really shit can't it?

Jaym2017 · 23/02/2017 13:53

Pandora - sorry just seeing your message now.

I have 3 DD's 17, 12 and 7. 12 year old has been really struggling. Ex comes to ours for contact as has nowhere to have the girls and his leaving is a trigger every time. I'm trying something new today. She has had a few meltdowns and have had a referral to a family support team. She seems to be coping a bit better now but haven't told her about Divorce word. She did ask me a couple of weeks back if i'd be getting divorced and that i'd be 'single' she seemed a bit hyper excited so calmed it and said we hadn't thought about it yet. Just hope Ex doesn't tell her yet think she needs a bit more time.

Hermonie2016 · 24/02/2017 20:17

Hi All, still a roller coaster here, just a bit cautious with details in case he looks on MN.
I have had a few trials in life which most people have viewed as highly stressful but separating from stbxh is proving to be the biggest stress to date.I am fortunate to have family and friends support but even then it overwhelming at times.

Pandora, I hope the letter does the trick and moves life on for you.I think being reasonable doesn't work with unreasonable people.

Boostbaby · 26/02/2017 10:43

Hermionie2016 I see you started this thread last year. How are you? Have you managed to get through the divorce? and how is your life now? I see you say it is still a roller coaster but is it a calmer one now you have made the decisions you did?
Sending you lots of hugs.

Hermonie2016 · 26/02/2017 16:30

Boast, I really wish I was through it but no chance! I started this thread at the start of the separation and we tried mediation and that didn't work and now it's back to solicitors and court.

Stbxh has been emotionally abusive but I really didn't think he would try to continue to be so awful after separation.He seems hell bent on ensuring I walk away with very little.I now question who I was married to as this nasty behaviour must have always been there.He was married before but I came on the scene 2 years after separation so didn't see this behaviour but his ex was extremely hostile.I think I now know why.

What is your situation?

Boostbaby · 26/02/2017 19:48

How utterly horrific for you.

It really does make you question your own judgement when a man you married and loved dearly can turn in to such a monster. You seem to have done as much as is humanly possible to keep the relationship sweet.

Will email you later with my details. Just wondering if you have found a forum where people actually meet up and chat and swap stories and help face to face over coffee etc? I really would love to find something supportive like that. Do you have any idea?

TreeTop7 · 27/02/2017 21:16

How's everyone doing?

I wish I could fast forward to the summer and the decree absolute. There is uncertainty with my job too (I might be getting promoted, but I might not!) which doesn't help - funding issues. Fortunately my children, my parents and my close friends have been fab. I don't like change even when it's long overdue.

Jaym2017 · 27/02/2017 21:52

I don't know how long this will take or how smooth etc, but tomorrow I'm posting the paperwork - I think subconsciously it took me a few days to process it. Envelope is addressed - and other post to go, so it's going.

DD2 is building to a full blown melt down again - she was up last night a few times etc and is banging around upstairs. it's so hard to deal with her ups and downs the day to day stuff can be fine then she seems to have a week or 2 of nightmare behaviour. Even her dad is seeing it and trying to help -he's having her after school tomorrow with DD3 for a while before he goes to college.

I just hope it settles in time and no more flair ups. I thought it was over us breaking up but honestly i think it's pre-teen and a bit of PMT. lol

Oh and to top it all my GP is saying the words 'early menopause' to me now.. my cycles are a mess and have had mood disorder diagnosed 3 years ago so wondering now if it's hand in hand. lol

But despite all this, i'm pretty positive.

JaffaCakesMum · 27/02/2017 22:04

I'm just so fed up and down in the dumps. Nothing is happening here. He is trying to sort out his pension...so he says. He continues to talk in riddles about it and there is nothing I can do. I did have a friend, who has been through it all, say to me that all of a sudden things will happen quickly so I'm crossing my fingers and toes. I can't stand living in the same house as him.

PandoraMole · 27/02/2017 23:05

Somewhat lacking the oomph to post anything constructive atm, but I saw these on FB the other day and they made me laugh...

Keep buggering on...

Support for those starting the divorce process
Support for those starting the divorce process
JaffaCakesMum · 28/02/2017 08:35

Pandora, love the one about the cactus. Cactus might just be my new favourite word for him now.

TheTapir · 28/02/2017 13:12

Today I've logged into our joint account where all of the bills for the house come from & I use to buy my food - both of us used to use it for groceries but he stopped a while ago - and he hasn't paid in this month.

TBF I was a bit surprised that he'd continued to pay in for so long & assumed that his solicitor had told him that he had to. Fortunately, there is a bit of a cushion in the account so it's not too much of a problem right now but a bit of notice would have been nice.

I have been nothing but faithful to him for twenty years, he is the one that was fucking other women behind my back and yet still, I am the one that is being punished. I am fed up and tired of the whole situation.