Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

I'm through the other side.... please know it gets harder & you are at the beginning. BUT find some inner strength, you will deep down & the sun shines through the other side. You will have more bad days then suddenly you have better days. WALK... THINK & move forward. You have a lot of love in your heart & you will get there. He did what he did because he did. You have no control over other people's emotions BUT you have control over yours. Be dignified, let the anger out in the gym or any other way, not to him or others, if you do (to others, not him) apologise & move on. It is all part of the process. Good luck. Xxxxx

Thank you for your encouragement Freddie. Sometimes it feels like it will never be over!

I have arranged an initial mediation appointment. Unfortunately the earliest they could do is mid March but it does give me a couple of weeks where there is nothing else to be done. I suspect that my ex won't engage in mediation but that won't go down especially well if (when) we end up in court.

In other news I am continuing to do stuff for me. I went to the dentist yesterday for the first time in far too long and have signed up to get my teeth straightened.

How's everyone else doing this week?

Hi Tapir

I'm going to the dentist next week - first time at a new place as I've moved to a new town. I would love to get my teeth straightened but haven't got the money for that. Think I am going to try and get them whitened though. I'll be getting small bonus at work next month and I want to be quite selfish with it

Got my Decree Nisi in the post yesterday. I am surprised at the detail on it, I can't remember the exact wording something about the judge finding that the respondent had committed adultery with the co-respondent and the petitioner finding it intolerable...
Although in the grand scheme of things it is immaterial, there is some satisfaction in the official documents showing it is ME divorcing him and it is because he did THIS. After being controlled and manipulated for so long, I feel I have some control now.

Hi All,

Today is the first day in at least 2 weeks I'm feeling slightly better. Wahoo!
So mediation was a complete disaster - just an expensive way for the ex to be tell me my expenses were too high..stuff like petrol and dc's hobbies. He offered a meagre contribution for 12 months and mediator let it sit. She was extremely weak and had promised she would give guidance on the law which she failed to do. The mediation notes went back to my solicitor who was shocked as the offer was so ridiculous. It looks like ex wants to go to court. It will cost £25k each approx. and worth it for me but stupid for ex. First step is voluntary exchange and see if solicitors can get an agreement - if not we will issue court in 4 weeks time.
In the middle of this I have to sell/move house so next 6 weeks will be super stressful.

ex's behaviour is irrational - in mediation I would describe him as 'hateful' towards me but a few hours afterwards he's all sweetness. I think he does this infront of dc's to prove he's a nice guy yet behind closed doors he's vile to me. This is how it was in my marriage over the last few years so not sure why I'm that surprised.

Advice I received from solicitors is to let him and his solicitor be aggressive but never fight fire with fire, especially written communication as if it goes to court a judge sees the files.

Jaffa, saw your earlier comment re your ex, I really think he's hoping you and him and work it out. Tough for you living with the abuse though.

Tapir,great news about your teeth..really positive to invest in yourself.

Pandora, what's the status for you? Any chance of the house going on the market soon?

NotJanine, I think seeing it in black & white is positive for you. I stupidly agreed to let my ex divorce me (as he wanted to wait 2 years) so I will be in the reverse position of having to see my 'unreasonable' behaviour.

Tonight for the first time in ages I will be enjoying some

Hermione I'm glad you are feeling better. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to be in a good mood!

It sounds like you are doing things the opposite way to me :)

We started with trying to sort things out through voluntary exchange and solicitors which hasn't worked, mostly as he hasn't competed his form E, and is still offering less than 50%, so now we're moving on to mediation.

Thank you for posting the rough court costs as I think that I will be in the same situation in a few weeks time.

I will say that some of the letters coming from his solicitor have been pretty unpleasant and one was down right insulting, it's hard not to get upset/annoyed when you read them. My solicitor said the same about letters being read in court so hers were fairly conciliatory to begin with but have become rather less so.

Janine, I am also divorcing due to his adultery and I was so worried once I'd sent my initial petition off that he would get in there first as I really wanted our divorce to be due to his adultery and not for some other made up reason.

Glad to hear your feeling happy Hermonie - sounds like a battle you have on your hands. But you have a sensible solicitor by the sounds of things.

Fortunately we've not had to involve solicitors so far, I'm shocked that they send unpleasant letters - do they get personal? I'd naively assumed it was all legal speak and by the book type of stuff.

I was unpleasantly surprised too NotJanice. Apparently my ex's solicitor is known for it, but it's not nice. Perhaps your solicitors might be different.

Glad everyone seems to be holding their own and feeling reasonably positive.

I am feeling stronger in myself but sadly our relationship is still very difficult.

He is being vague and awkward about arrangements for seeing DD and still no mention of paying maintenance.

I set up a shared online calendar with dates that we're each having DD the other day and asked him to try and stick to it as far as possible, but also made it clear that I was happy to be flexible if something major came up. I also asked him if he might keep 3 specific days in the summer hols free as he has a longer than me and I have to work a week in the hols. He threw his toys out of the pram because he can't possibly commit to anything when he doesn't know when the gf will have holiday and they want to go away. When I questioned his priorities he got arsey and accused me of being difficult.

I then asked him to have a look at Form E (which I'd printed off and pencilled in the basics for him already) and complete what he could so I could I pick it up and take it to my solicitor to check over early next week. We have very little to declare - house/mortgage, a bank account or two each and his pension (tiny) less debts. He immediately declared that he wouldn't possibly have time this weekend to do it.

At that point I lost my cool and went over so slightly batshit. He has been to the bank this day to request the required printed statements and is seeing his solicitor next week re filling in the form.

It was clear from things he said that he is keen to crack on with the divorce so he can get a ring on this one's finger. He'll think I haven't sussed him out but he's so obvious he's laughable. He also thinks he's being terribly clever by not disclosing GF's name or address. Sadly for him I have shit hot research skills and have ascertained both, and also checked with the land reg that she is indeed renting her home as I began to suspect he was lying in case it affected the settlement.

I am just going to put all the gubbins in front of solicitor next week and ask her what she recommends and go with that. If he wants to drag it out then so be it, the days of him taking me for a doormat are long gone.

On a cheerier note, it's the start of half term and DD and I are going away for a couple of days tomorrow

Pandora, good on you, right attitude.Enjoy half term.

Tapir, I hope your mediation is more effective than mine.I wish I could review it as it was a farce at points.As it's a requirement, before court, mediators have a steady stream of clients but seemingly little accountability.

I hope so too Hermione. I'd really prefer to avoid court if possible.

Today something a bit amazing happened. I was walking in to town in my scruffy old jeans, no make up and walking trainers to buy a badminton racquet. I was about to cross a small side road when a man pulled up in his car and wound his window down. I though he wanted directions but he said that I looked lovely and smiley and was I single! I said I was in the middle of a divorce, he said maybe that was why I was smiling and asked if I'd like to meet up sometime. I took his number! I smiled all the way to town and back, then got home and cried.

I'm not meant to be meeting new men. I was supposed to spend my life with my ex. It's so rubbish that he didn't feel the same.

I'm not sure why I'm posting really. It seems silly to pass up a chance for a date, how often am I likely to be approached by someone? I haven't been on a date or kissed someone else for 20 years.

Tapir some solicitors do take an adressive, bullying approach, perhaps taking their cue from their client. The letters I got from the Scrote' s solicitors tended to be like that, but my solicitor always took the high road. It is tough, but when I had to put together my case for court, the tone of his letters benefitted me, showing how unreasonable he was & how difficult he was to negotiate with.
Well, done, Not Janine in taking the initiative - really helps the self-confidence. In my case, one of my examples of unreasonable behaviour was his tax cheating, so on my final decree it says it in black & white & he did not dispute it. Moral victories can be important.
Re Form Es Pandora -shouldn't his solicitor check it & swap it with yours , technically "exchange"? Maybe he was kicking off as he thought you were trying to control him?
I think I have said this before, but my impression is mediation is useless. My solicitor just avoided it completely. We tried to negotiate directly for about 18 months & gave up. He then filed a petition to the court, so we went straight, albeit slowly, to court.
I know it is hugely expensive. I probably spent £25k over 2years (a lot less when I represented myself in the last 18 months) I am so much more broke now than I was 4 years ago, but I work like a navvy & hope to improve my finances over time. But I am free -I have a great partner but we keep our finances completely separate.
Ultimately, the court is your friend.

Maybe he was kicking off as he thought you were trying to control him?

Probably which is laughable considering his attitude to me over the last umpteen years.

He has had 1 solicitors appt since we split, is constantly pleading poverty and we'd already discussed that my solicitor would draw up the consent order and I'd pay with him reimbursing me for his half once the house is sold, so not really radically UR of me to suggest it.

He's absolutely clueless about this kind of thing although likes to think he knows it all.

Wow, you girls seem like you are on fire at the moment. I'm glad to say so am I.

After his abuse on Monday I got angry, not an emotion I feel very often. I think this has given me an adrenaline rush as I feel quite 'wired'. I have had enough of being a doormat and being controlled by him.

He has always wanted me to communicate in writing and doesn't want to talk to me so I finally wrote him a 2 page email which my best friend checked for me first. I wanted it to look like I was in control but not controlling, that I was sticking to the facts whilst he was being verbally and emotionally abusive. I kept repeating that I wanted a divorce and that my priority is to provide me and the girls with a home. I also had to consider that it could be read by anyone and everyone. I asked him to acknowledge receipt of it and respond within 7 days

I sent him the email on Wed and after no response I asked him on Thur evening if he had received it and he said 'what email' and then went on to say that he couldn't check his emails as our ISP were doing maintenance. I immediately tried to log on to my email (I normally use my gmail) and, yep, you can guess, I got straight on. I then left a printed copy for him which just kept getting moved round the house and ended up in the wood burning stove. I asked him again this morning if he had received it and he went ape shit, he was spitting teeth. I told him to stop behaving like a two year old having a tantrum. Anyway, he told me he certainly will respond to me, oh yes he will!!! I need to be ready for one hell of an email and make sure it doesn't affect my mood.

I have also become aware of more of his lies. He told me that the pension people would charge £650 to give you a pension valuation from the date of marriage to the date of separation and that you just get an up to date quote and pro rata it. As my pension valuation is a few years out of date I phoned them and asked for a valuation for divorce purposes and they asked me for the two dates and said they would email me in 5-10 days time. A two minute phone call and at no cost to me. I haven't told him any of this as I'll wait and see what figures I get back.

My next stage is to look at the financials he has given me and tear them to shreds as his calculations are just nonsense, and this is someone who is highly intelligent with a background in finance! I've also got an estate agent coming round next week to see how much the house is worth and if we need to do anything to it before we potentially sell it. He doesn't know I'm doing that.

Himself has always been a super confident person and I am not so I have always believed what he has said but now I see the error of my ways and can see right through him. I also feel a bit of a fool for my belief in him.

Hermonie, I get what you are saying but I do believe that he hates me and doesn't want to be with me. When the girls were wee he always used to say that if we split up then he would make sure I would get nothing and he would take the girls off me. The girls are too old for that now and would most likely choose to live with me anyway. But...I think he is having trouble coming to terms with me getting half of the financial assets which is why he keeps changing his mind and delaying things.

I wish I could get this man out of my life and especially to not be living in the same house but I am listening to moan and I do know it will take time but I do get impatient as well.

On a lighter note, I had a dream the other night about one of the guys at work. I woke up as we were walk home and he had just put his hand round my shoulder. I went to working asking him what he was doing in my dreams, it caused a bit of hilarity and speculation. He is a really nice guy and I've always got on well with him and he is single, but...he is 29 and I am 49!

Good for you Jaffa, you are sounding strong.

Tapir, I had the same experience weeks ago when had a man was flirty with me.I went into panic and afterwards felt so strange.I just couldn't imagine touching another man.

NotJanine, solicitors expecially those who are members of resolution should follow a code of conduct to keep proceedings amicable however they are also working for the client so take lead from them.
An example ex submitted a really hostile divorce petition, he clearly had told his solicitor I was just awful and needed to divorce me asap.Reality was I had asked for the divorce.Ex then realised he had gone too far and agreed to tone it down.This was on email.However I then got a hostile letter from his solicitor saying I was taking too long, holding it up etc.Ex had not mentioned our discussions and my solicitor was able to forward his emails that showed he had not been open with her.

His solicitor ended up calling mine (which worked as I am not sure ex was aware!) and I think that allowed the background to come out.Its been reasonable since then as I suspect his solicitor is less trusting of him.

Jaffa - sounds like you've got a good plan and going about things the right way.

Dd1 told me stbxh and his gf are planning on getting married so I'm guessing once the finances are sorted, she'll move in the day I move out. It's not bothering me that he's with someone else but feels crap that he'll not have to struggle as a single parent iyswim.

My solicitor said to me a while back that the best thing that could happen to me would be that he finds someone else! I agree, he'd leave me alone and get on with the financials. I don't think it'll happen though.

Jaffa I am not sure I entirely agree with your solicitor. The Scrote had a GF from the get-go, but still threw all sorts of obstacles in the way. I am not sure how much he told her. He could have exaggerated the idea of getting a settlement -he got none- & realising this, delayed the day he would have to admit he was empty-handed. Also some GFs can be goady & a bad influence.
At the moment I am on the alert for a post- cessation of hostilities collapse. The problem is you are in high stress fight mode for ages, with all other issues taking a back seat. Now that it appears to be over, I can sense neglected emotional issues creeping in as I am a bit weepy. Well, these must be focussed on & resolved, & it is less stressful than living on anxiety & adrenaline throughout the divorce process.

moan, once a shit, always a shit!

Can I ask those of you with children - do you tell them anything about the divorce or how you are feeling?

Janine, my girls are older 18 & 16 and as he can't bully me as much as he used to he takes it out on the girls so they know more or less everything (90%) of what is going on. The oldest sides with whoever she is talking to at the time and the youngest doesn't want to talk about it. If my girls were younger they would still be aware of what is going on because of the type of person he is. I would and am trying to be as honest as possible with them and not give them any false hopes.

Yes, she does.

The nature of his behaviour before we left was such that it was impossible for her to not be involved and aware of things.

Since we left I have tried several times to dial back what I'm telling her but she invariably picks up on the fact I'm keeping things from her and gets very anxious and upset.

It's very tough to get it 'right'

Mine are older (19 & 21 when we split) & I tried to keep them out of it, but there was some spillage. Now they have a relationship with both of us, but the only constant negative I re-inforce with them is: For God's sake don't take any financial advice from him!

Mine are mid/late teens. They are pretty oblivious to it all.

I'm sure it's not healthy to suppress your feelings and do the stiff upper lip thing all the time. I have to do it all day at work as it is.
But equally I can't go around bad-mouthing their dad.

It's exhausting and very lonely.

I think I marked my place a while back but now here for the foreseeable as I have just booked an appointment with a solicitor. Big step for me as meant to first week of January. Been unhappily cruising since then. Decided however expensive it is - I am worth more than being 'allowed' to sleep on the sofa each night.