Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

Jaffa I'm sorry you're feeling the same way about your girls . My DD is only 12 and we've been so close what with everything going on. Weirdly she seems to be more enthusiastic about STBXH since he told us about the girlfriend.

She isn't registering the impact it's having. Tiny things like dropping her back 30 minutes early because he's seeing gf, cancelling his usual Tuesday night with DD next week (quelle surprise...fuckwit), being more difficult about things with me because he doesn't give a shit now he's not trying to win me over anymore. Using maintenance or lack of as a means of threatening/controlling me (can't give me maintenance without 'defaulting on the mortgage so the house is repossessed but can buy DD an expensive gadget 4 days later).

All she sees is my anger vs him being all chilled and happy. Of course he fucking is. He's swanning round our 3 bedroom home, which was lovingly decorated by me, with his shiny new girlfriend, paying sod all maintenance whilst I'm basically living in an 8x10ft room at my parents, with little space, no privacy working as full time job and doing 85% plus of the parenting, and yet compared to how things were she's all over him like a rash.

I feel so hurt and angry and bloody scared and I have no choice but to plod on although I've been verging on breaking point for weeks.

Even my mum has taken a break from her usual self-obsession and nitpicking and actually noticed.

Help me that's shit. A non sleeping child is the last thing you need when you're stressed. I remember DD having a phase when I was going through a redundancy process - she was 3.5 and I was also recovering from an op. It was utterly soul destroying. I really hope she gets back in sync soon.

Re the promotion...is it something you really want/need? Sounds like it could make your life a whole lot harder under the circumstances.

So...How's this week treating everyone so far?

I tried to avoid stbx when he dropped DD home last night by being in the bath. Mum even told me I wasn't very well, but he insisted on staying to speak to me about arrangements for DD over the coming weeks (we arranged this at the beginning of the year up until the Easter holidays).

As I've mentioned before he's not seeing DD on his usual Tuesday next week as spending Valentine's Evening with the new girlfriend is apparently more important. He also wants to change 2 dates over the next 6 weeks, both of which I have plans for, and it throws the 'every other weekend' routine out of sync.

I was polite enough but quite cool towards him. Half an hour after he left he called my mobile. I rejected his call so he rang the bloody landline. All to ask me if I have a 'problem with him' because of my 'attitude'.

We had a lengthy conversation about this a couple of weeks ago when I tried to explain how I'm feeling (more about the situation than him specifically) but clearly that's gone in one ear and out the other.

He also brought some fancy teas round for DD. Turned out they come via the girlfriend (unwanted Christmas gifts).

I just burst into tears (thankfully he'd left at that point). DD has a particular favourite which I was going to get her for Valentine's day next week. These ones were totally different but it really touched a nerve.

Then I dreamt about him last night so didn't even escape the bastard then.

Not sure if he's being an insensitive, disrespectful twat or I'm being oversensitive .

He's being a twat.

I think that these men have no idea of the scale of the emotions that they are putting us through. I wonder if it's because of the whole "women process their emotions as they're going through a divorce but men process them later" thing that I've heard said before?

I also dreamed about my ex last night, I hate it so much.

Still no reply to my solicitor's letters. I don't know if that is good because it means that he is thinking about it, the other replies have come back by return, or if it's just game playing. I have to admit that the thought of having to sit with him in mediation is not something I am looking forward to, but if I have to, I will do it.

I've actually been in quite a good mood today, I hope it lasts!

Fingers crossed no news is good news for you then.

I have decided I'm definitely going to try for a better settlement. Not sure whether to propose it first or check with my solicitor first. I dont really need to do the latter I don't think but would probably be more sensible and if I can then send him the proposal in writing quoting solicitor and CC ing her in, it might make him take it more seriously.

We had been living and working abroad when my husband decided we needed to return to the uk because of relationship problems. We returned a month ago and are living with his parents in their house. Since returning my husband has chosen to sleep in a separate room and hardly speaks to me. He has arrange where our daughter will go to school without and discussion with me or her. I have recently discovered that he has been accessing my bank account online and transferring money out. I have been advised by the bank to report it to the police. I have no transport and no public transport. I feel my daughter and I need to leave but don't know how legally to do so. Help

Lindsay, so sorry you are in this position. How long are you married? What is the financial situation, do you work, is your H working?
Do you have family here?

It might be worth you seeing a solicitor for a 30min free consultation. Most firms will offer this.
If you need to leave then you could look to get a rental - but it depends if you have access to capital or income.
It's horrible situation when a partner turns against you (I know as have had similar happen to me) but there will be ways to move forward.

We'll had a proper announcement on the restructure. Looks like there's 7 roles available to apply for (would be a promotion) but sounds like there's going to be a lot of travel involved . Am just not sure how that's going to work for me as a single parent. Will probably apply for the one I think has least travel and see how it goes.

Well at least there is a 'less bad' option - are you looking at jobs elsewhere too?

DD spent yesterday with STBXH's family and met the gf. She spent most of the time with her cousins and fave auntie who messaged me to say she seemed quite happy, handled herself really well and I should be proud of her which was bittersweet, but better than her being traumatised by the whole thing.

Seeing my solicitor Tuesday week for advice re how to proceed with consent order (or not if STBXH is difficult).

It's been a funny week. I was at the doctors on Wednesday to check out my blood pressure and palpitations and she offered me time off work. I told her that wouldn't be a good idea as I'd then have to spend more time at home with him around. The following day I had a really shit day at work! What I was really aware of was that I had no one to talk to about it and that made me feel lonely.

I then got an invoice from my solicitor for a one hour appointment in December and a couple or so of emails. I had set aside £300 for it but was gobsmacked when I realised they were charging me £765...OMG. Of course I had just send my solicitor war and peace about all the written offers he had made me and asked her advice so now I'm wondering how much that will cost and that £765 was work she did when he was asking for collaboration via his solicitor then sacked her and changed his mind so it was a waste of money.

Later on in the week he then had a normal conversation with me about the thing he is waiting for! He had always insisted that he couldn't take 25% of his pension as a lumps sum cash drawdown as per the new government regulations and this was confirmed by his financial advisor pal! He obviously had an element of doubt (maybe because I nagged him about it) and phoned the pension people who said of course he can take 25% cash out and the amount was £x. The only problem is that £x is nowhere near a quarter of what his pension pot was. The women asked him where he got his figure from and he told her it was in writing from them. So the upshot is that they will look into it and get back to him in the next 5-10 days.

This is all good news as 25% of the original figure is enough for him to buy a house for himself and he would leave me the family house. However if it is the lesser figure then that affects the total assets. But the first time he ask for the pension figure in writing it took 5 months not 5-10 days. If the figures are different then he will take it to the financial ombudsman as we are taking about £200k difference. To get the cash out of your pension you need to have proper financial advice which will take time, then getting the cash will take time and finally he will have to buy a house which will take time. This could all take a year or so to sort out, couldn't it?

I'm feeling weary.

Oh Jaffa it's all hard work isn't it?

I've had a letter containing a valuation of our property abroad whch is £25k less than the ex and I had both estimated. His solicitor then took the whole £25k off the lump sum that I was asking for rather than off our total joint assets. I have no idea if he is really that thick, or thinks that I am! I will start organising mediation at the end of next week if my offer hasn't been accepted. He is still avoiding the issue of his form e which strongly suggests he is still hiding something. I only have his word for a lot of the figures at the moment, and given how dishonest he's proved to be, that's not good enough.

Generally though I feel much better this week. I started taking a supplement called 5-htp about three weeks ago and I think it might have kicked in. I've had a good weekend, went shopping with my mum yesterday to use a gift card that I won and today I've been for a run, done some baking, am going to make a curry for dinner and I currently have some music on LOUD!

Host everyone else doing this weekend?

Still not well despite antibiotics.Mediation was awful, would love to review the process but not sure it's possible. I felt on trial having to justify my costs to stbxh.
I feel the mediator knows ex has to offer therefore the focus was on him.
She also promised she would give guidance on the law but it was really weak.
Also her issued notes didn't seem to capture his measly offer so I have had to ask her to clarify. I am sure ex is just living it.

Seeing solicitor this week to discuss.

DD and mum have just had another almighty row and DD has actually said she thinks it might be better if she goes back to STBXH.

She rapidly backtracked but...

It was in the heat of the moment Pandora, I am sure. The fact that she spent most of the party with her aunt implies that she's not desperate to spend time with him. And you've mentioned before that your mum can be challenging, she probably drove DD to distraction and she lashed out.

Just checking in to say hello to everyone! I've spent all day on Form E and never went to see that document ago!

TheTapir - I wish I was having your day! Might plan for one of those soon.

Jaffa - I'm also starting to feel this will never end. We've already been in front of two judges, our combined legal fees is already over 30K and we're not even started on finances yet! I have to make this my new comfort zone as it'll be a while. "What we resist, persists"...and all that!

Pandora - hang in there! You've come a long way already. Don't forget to give yourself a pat on the back every now & again.

Sending you all lots of love...

PS: I moved house and have lost my box of toys! Now wondering if mistakenly gave it to charity. The horror!

Hello all

Catching up on the thread (I've changed my name since I was on here last) Sorry to hear of the problems everyone is having.

Mine seem mild in comparison, but I have been suffering from awful anxiety and panic attacks. I had first appointment with solicitor last week and it was like reliving the whole of the past year in 1 hour. I am having sleep problems again and awful dreams. We are trying to agree the financial stuff between us without involving mediators, but I just hate having any contact with him - we revert to our old positions of him looking for sympathy and manipulating me and me backing down and agreeing.

I just want to go and live on a nice sunny little island all by myself...

I hear ya Janine

Have had an awful day. Still really upset about the weekend, tearful all the way to work, just about held it together until I got to my desk then a colleague asked me how my weekend was, cue floods of tears and 20 minutes in the staffroom trying to pull myself together.

Another wobble at lunchtime, swiftly headed off at the pass by my 'office mum' who gave me a big hug.

Then DD made a comment on the way home which set me off again for about an hour.

Feel exhausted, depressed and just don't know how I'm going to get through this anymore, but there is literally nothing I can do but keep going.

Pandora, I really feel for you. I'm not fairing much better myself, sadly. Tried to talk to himself but just been verbally abused once again. I'm going through the days on autopilot and I don't know how to make things better.

(((Hugs))) Jaffa.

Am in bed with camomile tea, lavender oil and diazepam. Have made a GP appt for next week, although God knows what she can do to fix this hideous mess.

You made me smile Pandora. Chamomile doesn't work for me but have you tried magnesium citrate, it has helped me sleep? My other bed time rituals include lavender spray, night time rescue remedy, sleep badger balm and when I wake in the middle of the night I spray normal rescue remedy on my tongue. Every now and then I have a glass of wine which helps but I don't want to make a habit of that. I think all that is left now is sleeping tablets and anti depressants which I'm hoping to avoid. I hope you get a decent nights sleep.

Hi can I join you? I found out my H was having an affair end of November last year and also that it was one of several. Petition has been to court and back and even though he denied adultery (bullshit) he admitted to unreasonable behaviour. We are co-existing for now under the same roof. At first I was full of energy but the adrenaline is gone and I spend most days fluctuating between anger and sadness. Have booked an appt at GP to see if I can get a referral for CBT as I'm finding it hard to get up and be productive every day or even brush my teeth. I try to remind myself that there are other people struggling with worse. Friends and family are supportive but it's good to meet others going through the shitstorm as well because it's hard to understand unless you've been through it. Even though I know that it will never work between us there is still the temptation to return to what is familiar but for now and the immediate future we are only communicating via email or solicitors because I've come to realise he is a vulnerable narcissist who has it harder than everyone else and I am the bitch money grabbing wife who just wasn't there for him.

Friends and family are supportive but it's good to meet others going through the shitstorm as well because it's hard to understand unless you've been through it.

Absolutely, that's what I love about this thread too. I have some friends who have been through it, but generally it's been the breakdown of a youthful first marriage with no kids, or they've been able to kick their H out and carry on largely as normal which unfortunately isn't the case for us.

Jaffa my insomnia cure of choice is generaly alcohol and some...ahem..DIY !

Hi user sorry you find yourself in this thread.

You'll probably find you go through lots of emotions, it's quite a ride. I've found its not a case of a straight path through different stages but a blind wandering through a maze.

Advice I have received is to accept how you feel as being ok but know that it will pass. And I will add to that - come online and rant, swear, cry whenever you need to.

I need to get tough with myself about bedtime routine. Shouldn't really be online, but I think it's a comfort. As if I'm not lying in bed alone.

Welcome user1469, would you like a tea or coffee and a cake or as it'll be a long haul would you prefer a glass of wine. The emotions you describe are normal and as Not Janine says let yourself feel those emotions there is nothing to be ashamed of when you meltdown at work for example. I have been co-existing for the last 7 and a half months (although I'd hardly call it existing) and I would say that things may get a lot worse when you start talking about money. I'd suggest thinking about some coping strategies - getting out for walks, mindfulness, going to bed early, eating healthily. Ha, ha - do as I say not as I do! Anyway, keep using this thread, it has helped me a lot.

Pandora, one of the things I was getting thrown at me last night is that a 'mutual friend' has said to him that they don't think I know what I want, that I am hormonal, menopausal and don't want to get divorced and only said it to call his bluff. This is really pissing me off and of course he won't tell me who it is, if it is anyone at all but it is really niggling away at me. So just so I can get it out of my system. I WANT A DIVORCE and my life will be better if I never see him again.

Hi, all, checking in. Jaffa cost can be horrendous, so ask your lawyer to be clear about this, give estimates, etc. I sacked mine when I was told 1 meeting with the barrister -NOT even TRIAL - would cost £3k!
To everyone, accept that it may be a long haul. Wishing it would be over soon is pointless. I had my eyes opened when I met a woman who was in litigation with her ex for 14 years. It took me nearly 4.
Re the most recent mind-f* on his part, I wrote him a scorching letter to say if he every contacted me, friends, etc, etc, I would report him to police for harassment. I sent it a week today registered & have now got the PO receipt that he signed for it, so if I ever do go to cops, I have the paper trail. Just hoping he will now crawl under his rock and stay there!

Blimey...these men certainly weren't behind the door when the arsehole supplies were handed out.

I'm sure mine thinks I've been a cow lately because I'm burning with jealous rage over the girlfriend.

In fact I'm hugely frustrated that he is able to move on whilst we're stuck in limbo, my patience with his unwillingness to pay maintenance is exhausted and I'm monumentally pissed off with the fact that he is, IMHO, prioritising said girlfriend over DD.

I don't suppose he'll ever see it from that POV though.

14years, Moan?!