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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support for those starting the divorce process

999 replies

hermione2016 · 26/09/2016 09:29

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

OP posts:
PandoraMole · 01/02/2017 20:27

I've reverTed to my maiden name on social media too, but that's as much because I work at the same secondary school that DD attends and when she and her mated turn 13 later this year there's far too much scope for boundary blurring.

Tbh I would love to change back asap, as I much prefer my maiden name. I had decided to keep it until DD turns 18, then change it if a potential or actual DH2 hasn't come along at that point!

Think I'm going to discuss the logistics with solicitor though, and if DD is ok with it I might just change it when the divorce goes through.

JaffaCakesMum · 01/02/2017 20:57

Ooo...Pandora, sounds like you have a 5 year plan.

Helpmeltb · 01/02/2017 21:26

Sorry, not been on much. I've been away and then ill (Which made me knackered physically and mentally).

Apparently nisi date should be early March. So things seem to be moving along again.

Moanranger · 01/02/2017 22:16

TapirJaffa Hugs to you both. After I split, I moved house & moved all of ex's crap back to London, carload by car load. I was sort of driven to get it all sorted & get shot of all the evidence of the marriage & of him. I felt as though our 24 years together had never exsisted & was gone in a puff of smoke. Perhaps you are holding on, still?
On a more practical level, try to break down all those tasks into tiny bits. Thinking about clearing an entire loft can be daunting; rather think " I"ll clear just one box tonight" and you might get through it sooner than you think.
I changed back to my maiden name - surprisingly easy. Did deed poll change on internet, but bank & lots of places don't even need to see that, just tell them you've changed & they do it. Having a different name to your children is pretty commonplace now.
You don't have to do mediation. My lawyer just told the court it wasn't suitable. It costs, it is not binding & if he is going to be a dick, you may as well go to court.

Dawndonnaagain · 01/02/2017 22:49

Hi,
Just place marking so that I can read the whole thread. Am divorcing after 23 years of EA and other stuff. I'm still in a bit of a mess but I want this done, the house sold and to be able to move somewhere where I feel safe. He has just moved into the next town in which the nearest supermarkets are positioned so although there is a non molestation order in place there is a possibility of bumping into him. Scary!

JaffaCakesMum · 01/02/2017 22:51

Thanks Moan. I think I'm holding on, not to him but to the house. I've spend the last 7 months with the suggestion that I'll get the house so haven't sorted anything whilst he has used his time sorting and moving all of his stuff out. I need to get my head round the idea of selling then there will be no stopping me - I'm not a hoarder.

However, earlier this evening I asked him if we could spend an hour a week bringing stuff down out of the loft to be sorted. He said it had nothing to do with him and shut the door in my face and told me to leave him alone. Yet more mind games.

CaptainM · 02/02/2017 01:48

Hi all, sorry I've been AWOL! I've caught up on the posts from the last couple of days. It's been an intense few weeks as found myself in court for an emergency hearing a couple of weeks ago. My divorce is turning out to be the messiest in history, but I'll live to tell the tale. I've got another day coming up in court so won't go into any details yet. I'll update properly soon. In the meantime, please know I'm dipping in and out, and this thread keeps me going! Hang in there, ladies. Whatever you're going through, remember you're not alone and "this too shall pass"! X

Hermonie2016 · 02/02/2017 13:45

Back from 1st mediation session.Stbxh was difficult, calling the mediator bullying, asking for more than 50% and saying he has no income after he pays his bills and mortgage so he can't afford child maintenance, let alone spousal maintenance.
Oh yes, he's going to reduce his hours so will be paid less.
I am shocked by his stance as I never thought he would stoop so low.It's helping me to get over him as he's very unlikeable!

TheTapir · 03/02/2017 19:17

I received my decree nisi letter today so in 6 weeks I can apply for the absolute, assuming of course that our finances are sorted by then...

My solicitor has sent a fairly strong letter today with one last offer and request for financial disclosure before we move to the next step. Fingers crossed that I get an acceptable response.

Every letter from his solicitor, which is the only contact I have with my stbxh, reinforces what a nasty, devious, deceitful person he is. I wouldn't take him back for anything.

PandoraMole · 03/02/2017 19:51

Tapir is that a letter confirming that the nisi has been pronounced? How long has taken to receive it after the court date?

Will keep my fingers crossed for a positive outcome to your last offer so it can be tied up asap.

I know I just cannot wait for this all to be over.

Hermione sorry your mediation session didn't go better.

Tbh nothing about these men surprises me any more. A friend of mine split with her ex due to him being a total manchild. Within a few months he was getting jiggy with his previous wife, before jacking his job in and moving to Australia to live on a house boat Shock.

Personally I'm thinking of opening a book on how long it will take stbxh to propose or ask the new girlfriend to live with him once our divorce is through.

Of course, bearing in mind he didn't wait until I'd filed the papers, let alone until the ink was dry to start internet dating, I may have that to look forward to even sooner...

TheTapir · 03/02/2017 20:13

The nisi was pronounced on the 1st Feb so it's arrived pretty quickly and actually, although it doesn't say specifically, I think that it is the actual decree.

I have no idea if my ex is still with his latest woman. If so, she is totally stupid. She knew he was cheating on me with another two women when he started seeing her, she has never been the only woman he was seeing and was one of four until it all came out! I know the other two have ditched him or been ditched. I love the idea of him being all alone but I have no idea if that's the situation.

I can't imagine that he'll marry again. Once I've taken half of our assets off him, he won't want to risk losing another 50% when he inevitably cheats again.

boyzmum1 · 03/02/2017 20:21

I was called names for telling the truth about our relationship .I do not understand him anymore as, I am being honest and he chooses not to listen .Instead he pretends its not happening and I'm left feeling angry and trapped in a relationship that is clearly not working for either of us . I'm the one who explains this and then he lies more and comes up with every excuse why he cant move out, when he can .The kids are left listening to arguments (that they shouldn't be able to hear ) and the manchild is sulking and telling me now that he wants all the furniture and I tell him to take it all , and then he says he cant go !! How do other women cope with this childish behaviour , I cant cope with him at all

JaffaCakesMum · 03/02/2017 20:50

boyz, I've had all this and still get it. I'm not coping very well at the moment at all. I had another meltdown at work today, I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing.

From what everyone else is saying at the moment the penny seems to have dropped at how horrible these men really are. Every now and then they can be charming to us and unsettle us but they will never stop being total bastards.

Moanranger · 03/02/2017 21:57

Well, so much for my smug belief ex wouldn't continue to f with my head! You may remember I got a Court Order saying he could never sue me in any jurisdiction, court, etc? Well, I am in the process of settling with HMRC over some tax matters indirectly related to our split. I find out today he anonymously sent them a letter with some info relating to my case. It makes no material difference, but is another mind-f! I have just written him a strongly worded letter telling him I will report him to the police for criminal harassment ( what he is doing meets the definition) if he ever does anything like that again. Oh, & I will also rat him out to HMRC. (He is an obvious tax cheat, as his financial disclosure clearly shows) The day cannot come to soon when he dies from drink!

JaffaCakesMum · 03/02/2017 22:39

Oh Moan. I really thought that was the end of it all once you'd been to court. It makes me want to sell our house, take my share, buy a camper van and travel the world, on my own!

Hermonie2016 · 05/02/2017 14:47

I am absolutely shocked at stbxh's behaviour.. I know others say the same but he is like a completely different man. He is completely bitter and angry.

I had thought at the outset it would go to court but hoped it wouldn't as it will cost and take time but I suspect it will. I have another mediation session this week and that will determine the outcome.

Jaffa, hugs to you..I know how you feel. It's an awful time.

JaffaCakesMum · 05/02/2017 15:32

Thanks Hermonie, between yesterday and today I feel a tiny bit better. I'm resigned to the fact that I can't trust him at all and we are going through an acrimonious divorce. However, today he went out and bought myself, himself and DD2 a subway for lunch!!!

I'm in the middle of typing up an email to my solicitor, quite a long one! I've asked her what she thinks of everything he has sent me and what I should be asking for by way of an offer to him. I can really see the benefit of selling the house but asking for more of the money from the house for less of his pensions, I might start at 75% cash, 25% pension, that would allow me to buy a house for me and the girls. Overall however I have no intention of asking for more than 50% of the asset pot, that would be a sure way of going to court.

On a lighter note I do have a night out with a couple of the girls I work with. We are going to the theatre on Wednesday to see...Menopause the Musical, starring Cheryl Fergison (Heather from Eastenders) and Maureen Nolan. Sounds like a bit of a laugh.

TheTapir · 05/02/2017 17:15

I'm glad you're feeling a little better Jaffa.

I've managed to remind myself that a weekend with no plans is not a good idea. Today I've only got out of my pj's for long enough to go for a run and have a bath!

I have booked myself a place on a walking weekend at the end of August and I think that once this is all over I'll book an overnight spa break for me and a friend who's also had a tough time recently but has been very supportive even though we now live a long way apart. At least I've got something to.look forward to now.

I hope your solicitor comes up with a good suggestion for you Pandora.

How's everyone's weekends been?

TheTapir · 05/02/2017 17:17

Sorry, that should say Jaffa! My brain really isn't working terribly well at the moment..

Helpmeltb · 05/02/2017 18:02

Tapir yay to the walking holiday. I had budgeted for new glasses this weekend but I didn't need them so treated myself to a scuba diving experience in March. It all helps me realise how I wasn't really living life when I was with stbxh.

PandoraMole · 05/02/2017 18:06

Commiserations and unMumsnetty hugs to everyone going through it atm.

Moan I am nearly speechless at your exes level of arseholia ShockAngry.

Tapir totally agree re not planning anything for weekends. I've done the same this week as the next two are busy and feel likes it's raced past and I've not made the most of it or achieved anything (apart from starting a thread about break up songs in Chat if anyone's feeling the need for some angry karaoke!)

Hermonie2016 · 06/02/2017 12:01

Pandora, how are you bearing up?

I'm feeling quite low, as have a chest infection so physically unwell. I also think of the difficulties I have to overcome in the next few months and it's daunting. I'm also worried about money for the future. I never thought ex would treat me so badly and act so selfishly. I gave up a well paid career for dc and now feel it's impossible to get back to that at this stage.

It must get better for all of us soon.

PandoraMole · 06/02/2017 17:37

Bit rubbish today tbh.

DD has gone from being somewhere between ambivalent and anti stbx to defending him every time I say something negative (which tbf is probably a bit more than I should in front of here) and telling me I'm being childish (also not entirely untrue).

She finished her counselling a couple of weeks ago but has asked to go to the drop in session this week as she wants to talk to someone not involved rather than me.

Then there's this weekend with her seeing all his family for the first time since it happened and meeting the girlfriend.

I feel like I'm losing her and I'm powerless to do anything about it. I know I'm being melodramatic really but it still hurts.

I'm also not looking forward to the next few weeks/months re sorting out the Consent Order and the practicalities re getting the house on the market.

When is your next mediation session?

JaffaCakesMum · 06/02/2017 19:04

Pandora. you are not being melodramatic. I have lost DD(18) as she stays with her boyfriend 6 out of 7 days, she only stays the one night as it is closer to her weekend job and she brings her washing. DD2(16) also tells both of us that we are childish, sometimes that is true but sometimes she just sticks her nose in. It is difficult but I'm hoping that when I get rid of him I might hopefully get my girls back as I'll have more love in my body for them, IYSWIM.

Helpmeltb · 06/02/2017 20:40

Also fed up today. Flowers to the others feeling the same way.

Dd2 is not sleeping and it's driving me up the wall. It's been the last couple of weeks. I'm tired, i can't make my own tea and I don't know how to fix it. On top of that work is crap - possibility of a promotion coming up but been told I won't have any chance if have one more day off sick (had 4 days off with flu in Oct) or to look after kids (great for a single parent with no family near by).