Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

Oh Pandora, I really feel for you. I'm often accused of using the girls against him but it goes in one ear out the other. You could come and stay with me. That might get my dickhead out of the house!

Last night I asked him how he go on with his solicitor. He told me that she got called away and she will phone him on Monday to make an appointment. Liar, liar, pants on fire as far as I'm concerned. So on Wed he makes and appointment for Thurs - she's not a busy solicitor. On Thurs she gets called away - doesn't she know when she has court work. She'll phone him on Mon - doesn't she have a secretary who would do that and could have done that on Thurs! Mmmm.....I think he is up to something but I'm not sure what.

Oh, I almost forgot. He came to my work at 6pm last night to give me a lift home! I was working until 7pm so he offered to come back and get me as it was cold outside. I declined preferring to walk. At home he then told me he had bought 'special puddings' for the three of us! He then asked me if I was doing food shopping on Fri and just to say that he had bought butter. WTF.

How's things today Jaffa? There's nothing worse than when they start with head fucking .

Spoke to mine again last night. He's refusing to budge re anything to do with housing or maintenance. The arguing is upsetting DD. She actually asked me last night if I wanted her living with me so I'd get more money . She denies that he put that idea in my head but I can't help but wonder.

Ultimately I can either do it 'his way' - 50% of the house equity and a clause in the consent order that says I'll claim maintenance via the CSA once he's in a new property (I've just seen that in black and white and thought 'screw that' - God only knows what he could fudge to wriggle out of it).

Or I can instruct my solicitors and take him to cleaners (sorely tempting but will only drag things out for longer and upset DD more, not to mentyion the impact on my own wellbeing).

Or my favoured option. I want a larger share of the equity that represents my half plus compansation for the expenses I've incurred to date and 5 years maintenance upfront for DD so we can have a clean break.

He didn't like that idea either but I feel it's the best option overall. Going to see my solicitor in half term.

Oh and in one unusually forthright moment I told him he needed to 'sort your priorities out because your daughter is more important than your cock' and hung up on him .

I am loving that Pandora 😁

I think these men need someone to tell them that they are behaving like twats!

He phoned back sounding all hurt and telling me I know nothing about what goes on with him and his new bit of skirt.

I do however know that the photos of DD and I that were in the house have been taken down (fair enough but I'd like to know where so I can have them - one was a mother's day present), and that is not so impoverished that he can't afford new bedding and a healthy supply of condoms.

The fuckwit really does seem to think I came down in the last shower .

Pandora, what a selfish, selfish man.He seems to want you to suffer and perhaps hoping dd will stay with him.

I really hope you get a resolution soon.Surely you are entitled to more than 50% given you have dd more of the time?

Jaffa, I'm sure your ex is hoping you forget all about the separation! Love the idea you will be swayed by a pudding

Dear all, my philosophy in dealing with bullies is push back hard as it is the only thing they understand. Do not allow yourself to be walked over. Let your solicitor argue robustly on your behalf. If you come up with a resolution-esp if you have given in to unfair demands, the judge could throw it out if it is unfair to you.
Regardless what the whining "fathers4 justice" types would have you believe, women regularly come out of divorce with the short end of the stick.
Pandora I wouldn't necessarily settle for a deal just because you think it will reduce the time spent achieving settlement. It may well not. Grit your teeth & go for what you deserve.

Funnily enough Moan you're the second sensible person today who has told me that. The other was my lovely Dad who is generally very laid back and of the 'path of least resistance' option.

I am increasingly thinking I'm going to hold out for the larger slice of the equity and a clean break. I really don't want to cripple him financially for any of our sakes but I'm not going to be a doormat either.

Its patently obvious this is his last stand to try and control me and I won't spend the next few years with that hanging over my head.

He took DD out today. Last night he was saying that he had so little money he thought he might have to skip lunch for her to eat. I told him she only needed something light as we were having Chinese tonight, so what did he do? Took her to a noodle bar (and yes he did eat). He also bought her a sports bottle (great, saves me getting one), and as she's on a health kick offered to buy her a smoothie blender when he gets paid.

So it's clearly not a case of can't afford so much as making sure he is in control.

As a very wise friend of mine often says...fuck that shit!

The last few days have been quiet with himself, we just haven't spoken to each other.

I did a health MOT at work yesterday which has given me cause for concern. All these years I've had normal, sometimes low, blood pressure but yesterday it was high. My heart palpitations are also getting worse. The stress of everything is now showing as physical symptoms.

Pandora, I also had oldest telling me that I only wanted her to stay with me so I could get child tax credit - that one went through me like a knife.

Hermonie, he often shouts at me that he doesn't want to spend a minute longer with me to which I reply 'well leave then'. His response is always why should he and that I should leave. I no longer think that he doesn't want to split it's just that he sees the house as his. He paid he mortgage after all but forgets that he wouldn't be alive if I didn't buy the food. He doesn't want the upheaval of moving.

Moan, yesterday I also had a work mate tell me to start fighting and he is a bloke. It is about time I took back some control and stopped being at his mercy. Over the next few days I'm going to sort out the emails he has sent me and type up an email to my solicitor. I'll ask her what she thinks of his emails and I'll ask her what she thinks I should get. Then we'll put an offer to him.

I have been giving serious thoughts to renting but for 6 months minimum it'll cost me £3,600. That's a new bathroom in another house or it's £3,600 towards solicitors fees. If I rent I'll be playing into his hands so I'll have to start paying my solicitor to do what she's good at.

Does anyone have any advice regarding mediation for fnances? It starts this week and I'm not sure if it's the right approachieve.Stbxh refuses to discuss anything ahead of time so I have no idea what he's thinking in terms of a settlement.

Hermonie I don't have any experience of mediation I'm afraid but didn't want to leave your question unanswered. Isn't the whole point of mediation (I know I am often naive about these matters) that it works for both of you? Forewarned would be forearmed ideally but you don't have to accept anything that he suggests which you don't agree to, hopefully your mediator will be a good one and actually push him for a fair outcome.

I have been separated from my husband 3 years and 7 months. Could my husband divorce me before the 5 years?

I have been separated from my husband 3 years and 7 months. Could my husband divorce me before the 5 years?

I wish it was me. Wish I had the courage, I dream of life without him. As soon as he comes home it's like a black cloud over the whole home - but I'm so financially dependent and he'd be vile and vengeful and leave me with nothing.
Wish I was in your shoes - such a controlling bully, I want him gone.

38Cody have you had legal advice? It may give you some hope & confidence to think about making a move.

I expected stbxh to be really horrific but has been fairly ok.

That said it is still tough. MIL, who has been cold shouldering DD for months has now done a volte face, apologised to her and invited her to big family do in a couple of weeks.

She is really pleased to be going along - she's fairly ambivalent about MIL but loves her grandad and is looking forward yo seeing her aunts, uncles and cousins.

She will also be meeting the girlfriend for the first time, which stbxh considerately sprung on me after I agreed to DD going.

This divorce malarkey is a very different beast to the one I expected. Nearly everything I though would be difficult has been relatively easy, and the things I didn't forsee being problematic have been, quite frankly, fucking awful.

I'm not bothered about him having someone else but the fact that he is able to move on (and so bloody quickly) whilst I'm still stuck at my mums, paying for everything (still no maintenance), doing 85% of the parenting and have had to change to working full time whilst he's carrying on as usual in our home makes me apoplectic with rage.

And still no nisi date. I really don't know how much longer I can hold it all together for tbh.

Today is my decree nisi day, assuming that as I haven't heard otherwise, my STBXH is not contesting having to pay the costs.

He is still ignoring my solicitor's requests to fill in his form E which is making me very suspicious that there is more money being hidden from me. The offer he has made is less than 50% of what he is admitting to, so I have no idea why he thinks that I would accept it. It should all be very straightforward, I am only asking for 50%. I have no idea why he is dragging things out. If I do not get a satisfactory response to my solicitor's latest letter then I will suggest that we move on to mediation. I think I am correct in saying that mediation must be tried before you can go to court.

I am finding it all very hard work at the moment.

Pandora 'I really don't know how much longer I can hold it all together for tbh'.
Tapir 'I am finding it all very hard work at the moment.'

I know this is the wrong thing to say but you two have no idea how it helps me to hear these comments. I am really struggling...I mean really. I'm finding it hard to focus and get motivated. I am normally an organised tidy person but I just don't give a shit at the moment. I look and feel like a dogs dinner.

Although I still don't know what the financial settlement will be I am trying to mentally prepare myself for selling the house. For a start this means that he will be staying in the house for some months to come. The house won't go up for sale until at least the end of May when youngest has finished her exams. The house is full of stuff. Whilst he has mostly removed his stuff the loft (bungalow, so big loft), for example, is full of stuff he has hoarded over the years - pictures, mirrors, kids clothes, magazines, much of it is stuff that I had thought was long gone to charity shops. I just don't have the energy to sort it all and he tells me it is my problem. Then I have all my craft stuff (a lot of stuff) which I need to sort through...but I really don't want to get rid of it. Then there is the worry of where we (me and the girls)/I will live. Half the proceeds of the house will get me a run down 2 bed ex LA semi in our town but only if there is one for sale! This means I'll probably have to rent and pay for storage of furniture.

My head just feels like a washing machine all the time. I know I need to just tackle one small thing at a time but I can't even seem to be able to do that at the minute.

Sorry for all the negativity today.

Latina, yes he could I think - there's a two year cut off as well as the five year depending on the circumstances. When XH and I split up we had no grounds as such (no OW etc) and opted to live separately for 2 years, and then divorce on that basis. If you've not got a solicitor you could ask, there is some info on the government website about divorce, and I would imagine CAB could also help out with providing information as well - bear in mind that neither of those sources can advise you on any kind of settlement.

Jaffacakesmum I know what you mean. I am so glad for this thread.

I think that I look like I am coping well on the outside, at work and with my parents, but inside, and at home, everything is shit. I was just thinking what I would give for one day off feeling like this, to have a break from all the emotions and stress. I'd really like someone else to do all the hard stuff for me and make decisions. I swing from fighting mode to tears in moments.

Moving house is stressful enough without having to do it in this situation. I was fully intending to move out & let my stbxh have what was the marital home, leaving behind anything and everything that I don't want, for him to deal with (including wedding photos and my wedding ring) but I am starting to think that if we do go to mediation, I will suggest that I stay put and buy him out instead.

I know that we will all be ok eventually but it is so hard getting there and I struggle to see an end to it all.

I'm really sorry to read of your struggles. You were all so welcoming when I joined at Christmas. I wish I could do something for you all. My previous offer to provide alibis if necessary still stands!

I reassure myself by thinking of the happy people I know who've been through divorce. Patience is key I suppose...and optimism...but also important, is being tough about standing up for what's right and fair.

A trivial point - are you changing your surnames to your maiden names (assuming you changed them in the first place) ?

I'm also struggling and have days when I'm so tearful.
It's overwhelming with house sale, house rental, move and mediation, on top of the emotions and making sure dc are OK.

I'm sure happier times will be ahead for all of us.

I know that we will all be ok eventually but it is so hard getting there and I struggle to see an end to it all.

Ain't that the truth!

Jaffa - I know exactly what you mean. It is comforting to know that others who are going through it are running the same gamut of emotions.

I am just so fucking cross with STBXH all the time right now. DD is quite bewildered and keeps asking me why I'm so riled and can't I just get on with him like I was before. Er, because he's a smug, disrespectful, responsibility-shirking, devious, controlling arsehole?!

I really have to get a grip though for her sake.

I have spent lots of time over the last 24 hours listening to .

I also got the date for my nisi pronouncement today - 24th Feb...praise the Lord! It's also payday so there may be a mini knees up that evening!

I've been to my pilates class, had my dinner, fuckface has gone out and I'm going to have a long soak in the bath.

Oh TreeTop, I'm just thinking of keeping my married name. It is better than my maiden name, it's the same name as my girls and I don't think I can be bothered changing my passport, driving licence and bank accounts.

I have changed to my maiden name on social media but can't do anything else until we're officially divorced. Until I found out about his cheating I was going to keep my married name because I am used to it and am also lazy. It annoys me that I am going to have the hassle of changing it everywhere because of his crappy behaviour but I want no links to him at all.

I am glad to hear you've finally got your decree nisi date Pandora.