Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

Hermione, I'm sorry. I think I understand because I'm dreading the arrival of the various documents even though I'm 99.99 per cent sure that divorce is the right thing for both of us.

January is indeed flying. It's a busy month for me (tax accountant) which isn't a bad thing at the moment - there's a blitz spirit feeling at work, a real buzz. February then feels a bit flat, which won't be great. I'm trying to arrange a few social things on my non-working days in Feb. Luckily, most of my friends work part-time too, or are SAHMs, and I enjoy spending time with my parents.

It occurs to me that all my close friends are in couples. I honestly have no single friends at all. One of my best mates is marrying in October and apart from a few elderly widows in her family, I think I'll be the only one flying solo. It does make me wonder how other folk manage to make marriages last, but I couldn't. I know so many couples who've had massive pressures (sick children, money worries) but haven't fallen apart nonetheless.

Hermonie, I've had a tough week, very emotional. Everything is coming to a head for me. He has now offered me a financial settlement that I am happy with and is planning to move out very shortly and there signifies 24 years of marriage down the pan. It's going to be very emotional when he does move out. With the settlement came the emotional guilt he put onto me and I do feel so bad that he is offering me the house and he will end up living in a friends bedroom or at his mums' (or at least that is what he is telling me). However by keeping his pensions the split will be 54% to him and I also feel he is looking forward to being free from the responsibilities of having the girls. And, yes...I'm focusing on how fair or unfair the settlement is on him! As moanranger says I'm beginning to mourn the death of my marriage. I don't want to get divorced but I don't want to be with himself any longer.

I know of someone else who split from his partner probably 9 months ago. I have always liked him and I see him around town every now and then. Every time I see him we chat for ages. Our splits are very similar and we are at the same stage. He is really nice and wants the same things as me. I'm not going to do anything about it but if he were to show interest in me I wouldn't say no.

Jaffa Your posts sounds as though you have hit a crucial but important turning point. It can feel upsetting, but at least you are beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I do envy you your financial settlement; it took me nearly 4yrs.
Tree just wait a year or two and you will see plenty of others splitting. Amongst the couples we knew, we were relatively late at splitting up and only a few of the families we hung out with when the kids were young are still together.
Post-divorce, it's not necessarily about finding a new partner but creating a new life, circle of friends, etc. I continue to recommend Meetups for this.

Jaffa, do be careful not to fall for sob stories about him being homeless, sounds like he is trying to manipulate you. My STBX has come out with similar lines although he can comfortably afford to house himself.

Jaffa, do be careful not to fall for sob stories about him being homeless, sounds like he is trying to manipulate you. My STBX has come out with similar lines although he can comfortably afford to house himself.

User1477, I've been beginning to think that way as I've noticed a few flaws in his comments. I met one of his work mates this week who mentioned he is on holiday at the moment but he told me he was off with stress. Also, he has offered me money every week until youngest turns 21 but if he dies before that then the money will be paid out of his estate. What estate? He's not meant to have any money or possessions any more only his pensions. He has also been on the council house list for a few years (since the last time we nearly split up), if he becomes homeless then he'll be higher up the list. He is 56 so in 4 years time he can start drawing most of his pensions which are worth quite a lot. He also told me that he is stepping down at work and he will only be earning a lot less money which means he'll be giving me more than a third of his wages every week. It probably is just emotional blackmail.

Moan, you are right about the turning point. I know this is what I want and I know things will get better but it is easier to know the devil I have than to think about the uncertainty of the future. I am a little concerned that his financial settlement isn't final and is just another mind game. I have still to tweak what he has written and actually go back to him and agree it so I'm not quite there yet.

Tree, when we first split up all I could see around me were happy couples. It's a bit like when you get a new car you've never really noticed how many of them around there are but all of a sudden you see them everywhere.

I had a look at the cookery section of Meet Ups and all we have up here in the North of Scotland was a weight loss class 16 miles away, lol. Will have a look under the other sections though.

Moan, you are our cheerleader and mentor Thanks for the positive input

I think I did make an error in allowing him to divorce me. It was supposed to placate him and the solicitor didn't point out any downsides however I think him being in control of timeline is significant.

I wanted the divorce and pushed him to do it, gave a timeline etc but I think emotions are just catching up. It's especially true that as he's not here I can reflect on the good times not the dreadful times. I had a list of reasons why I wanted a divorce and they were compelling. I had it on my phone and it broke a few weeks ago so I lost the data. I just need to reinstate that list.
He was horrendously aggressive, refused to discuss anything, self absorbed, blamed me for everything and lacked empathy. Since he moved out I can see the fluctuations in mood swings more clearer and I know that as he won't seek help it will not get better.

Jaffa, be wary of your generous feelings and make sure the deal is something you can live with. Once you know you are OK then you can let go of what might happen to him.

Stbxh will financially be fine as he's a high earner with future bonuses but he has very few people in his life. I was the last person that he trusted and he had viewed me as his best friend. Post divorce I will be financially much worse off but will have lots of people around me. I'm OK with that, it's how I want to look back on my life - not money but the people and connections I have made.

Treetop, I think the reality of divorce has to hit at some stage. I read that women tend to process ahead of time, whereas men tend to focus on the divorce and then let the feelings catch-up.

Hermonie, I made the same mistake in allowing STBX to petition for divorce as he wanted it. He is now dragging his feet and trying to bully me to get a better settlement. He has been manipulative and controlling in the past but it has escalated dramatically since we started to talk finances. I have posted other threads but they got sidetracked. I spoke to the police last night and have been referred to the domestic violence unit. I have been told to phone 999 immediately if he kicks off again and they will treat him to a night in the cells.

Hope everyone has a good week.

Quiet week for me and I need to set aside time to start preparation for financial mediation.

Hi all. Haven't been on for a bit as had a massive set back last week and have been really struggling.

After finding out about the delay in the nisi I made some more enquiries about timescales for the rest of the process.

Looking at another 3 weeks until I get nisi pronouncement date, then four weeks until the actual pronouncement which takes us to mid March. I've then discovered that even if we file the consent order immediately it could take 8-12 weeks to be signed off so we may not be able to put the house on the market until June.

Stbxh is now reluctant to revisit the possibility of releasing money via the mortgage (our outstanding debt is just over 10% of the value of the house but he claims they are reluctant to release it) and he is still not paying any maintenance.

It will take my another 4 months to save even the bare minimum I need to be able to rent somewhere and living with mum parents is bordering on unbearable.

I genuinely fear our relationship will breakdown completely or I will have a breakdown if we don't get out soon.

In a brief, more positive and somewhat rebellious moment I dyed my hair over the weekend - from blonde to dark berry red!

I'm sorry to hear that Pandora. Would it be possible for you to get a loan for a rental deposit? Would your parents be able to help out at all? I am sorry if that's a silly suggestion. Can you spend more time out of the house in anyway?

I had no idea that the consent order could take soon to be signed off either. This process is so long winded even if the stbxh is being reasonable, which doesn't often seem to be the case.

My stbxh's solicitor really is a dick. The letter we received today demonstrates both his arrogance and ignorance and frankly made me laugh. I don't imagine that was the effect he was going for!

I went from blonde to purple hair last weekend, it makes me smile every time I catch sight of it. I bet you look great :)

Pandora, I'm sorry. As the only child of elderly parents I understand that the tension is very worrying. Is there any way your parents could lend you the money to rent a small flat whilst you wait for the house to be marketed/sell this summer/autumn? Even if it's a 1 bedder, with you on the living room sofa whilst DD has the bedroom...just for the sake of protecting your relationship with your mum.

Pandora, I feel for you as your ex is seemingly in the driving seat.Is he refusing to put the house on the market till consent order?

I just wonder if your can access some money somehow as it seems so unreasonable.Would he not consider your daughter in this? He can't surely have a veto on every financial decision.

I have just agreed the divorce petition so ready for filing.It's significantly watered down from the awful one H first submitted and much more inline with what we had agreed when I said he could file.I just don't know why he decided to act so viciously first time around as all its done is create hostility and bad feeling.

Loving the hair colour changes, fantastic signal to start a new life.

This morning I received a rather aggressive email from himself telling he has changed his mind again and telling me what will happen which includes him have the girls and if they have to share a room and he sleeps on the sofa then so be it! He is going to sell the house in the middle of youngest doing her Highers (A Levels). At the end he tells me not to discuss this email with anyone else.

When I went to work I kept thinking - I can't do this anymore, I'm so stressed, I've got heart palpitations, I can't cope anymore. However once I started working I got my strength back. Once more it is just mind games. I'm certain there will be more.

Oh Jaffa what an enormous arse he is. Are yoir daughter's aware of how he is behaving? I think he may me in for a rude shock if he's expecting to dictate how they react/behave in all of this. My DD is still refusing to stay over with STBXH, and is much stronger when it comes to making her feelings known to him, which I'm really pleased about, not in a vindictive way but I thought she was becoming a bit of a people pleaser as a result of seeing how I used to react to him so am relieved she's getting her feisty back 😊.

Tapir to answer your questions...

Would it be possible for you to get a loan for a rental deposit? ^Not really as I already have debts to clear. I probably would get one, but would struggle to get by monthly with the repayments (although if X starts paying me decent maintenance it might be doable so thanks for the idea!)

Would your parents be able to help out at all? ^They could but they won't, or rather my mum won't (she controls everything in that regard and pretty much every other regard for that matter). Tbf they have helped me out with debt before and I've balled up. I really doing my best since I left DH to get on an even keel but she won't even consider helping me financially without having full knowledge of every detail of my finances which I don't feel 100% comfortabe with tbh.

Can you spend more time out of the house? We're out 8-5 Monday to Friday at work/school (same place so DD does her homework in the library and travels home with me). We are both usually upstairs from 8.30pm onwards and out at least one day each at the weekend either together or DD at X'S and me doing my own thing. There's really not a lot of scope to be out more often. When I arrange to see friends I get a lecture about spending money/drinking (I can't have friends to the house as open plan and drink approx 1 bottle of wine over a Fri/Sat/Sun so hardly pouring vodka on my cornflakes!)

Anyway...Have emailed faceache and asked him to revisit the option of releasing the equity. If he fails to come up with the goods I will be telling him he needs to either pay me gull maintenance or vacant the house so we can move back in.

I need to put DD first and if that means his life gets a bit tougher then so be it.

Would your parents be able to help out at all? I am sorry if that's a silly suggestion. Can you spend more time out of the house in anyway?

Sorry full maintenance and apologies for the cut and paste cock up!

Could you move back into your house Pandora? I know it would probably be awful but would it be better than where you are now? Is there not some rule about children being able to stay in their home?

I don't want to sound patronising, I am sure you've considered all of your options.

DD would not come back if Stbxh was there
She won't even stay over with him for one night atm.

The house is in his name only and when we came close to splitting before a few years back he made all sorts of threats, hence me leaving with DD and not giving him prior warning.

Will just keep plodding on. We're entertaining ourselves this evening by playing 'intergenerational bingo' - score a point for various things such as :

Mum complains about her health

Belongings moved and mum denies all knowledge of having even seen them

Blames us for missing/eaten items even though we haven't been in the house all day

Criticism of any of the following: weight, hair, dress sense, financial management, untidiness, parenting

Comments about "I don't know why you left stbxh'

Etc etc

Pandora Is there any reason -besides his intransigence-that you could not put the house on the market now? It could be a looong time for a Consent Order. Notwithstanding the house in his name, it is a marital asset. Good luck whatever you decide

I did suggest we market it sooner as who knows how long it will take to sell and so long as we have consent order before exchange can't see a problem.

His solicitor has advised against it so he's refusing which is probably sensible for both of UA tbh but bloody frustrating.

Back in the early days of the split he did say he'd leave and we could move back but DD wouldn't even visit to begin with so that was off the cards. Of course now he knows he won't win me over and he needs a shag pad for his shiny new girlfriend, that offer has been rescinded.

Fuckwit.

I was installing anti virus on DDs laptop earlier and found a letter she's written to her bf from school, explaining that she sometimes gets upset wehen she hears bf and their other mates arranging to hang out at each other's houses as she can't invite them back to ours and is worried they'll drift away 'cos its difficult for her to see them out of school.

All she wants for her birthday (which isn't until Sept!) is for us to be in our own place so she can have a few friends for a sleepover.

I have promised her I will make it happen come hell or high water. Going to dust off my journalism qualification and start work on some freelance articles at the weekend to see if I can boost the coffers that way.

There must be something in the air at this time of year as these STBEX's are super dickheads atm.

I've had a hell of a couple of days with himself changing his mind about our settlement. Unfortunately we both had our days off yesterday. I went for a walk along the beach and ended up at our local rental place just to get some info. I'm not sure how much longer I can stay in the house with him and I'm also concerned about the stress youngest is under.

The latest, as of last night, (and lets face it he's had plenty time to change his mind again) is that he is now seeing his solicitor today. Yes, that's right, the one he sacked last month. He is talking about going to court now. The only thing he hasn't mentioned is walking under a bus!!!

Pandora, the girls are people pleasers but in different ways. 18yo complains about him to me but I'm well aware that she does the same to him about me. 16yo won't say anything about anything. She won't make a decision about who she wants to live with but she doesn't want the house to be sold.

Thank goodness I'm working today.

Oh Pandora, that made my eyes well up.As you know I'm on the move and I desperately want to give my son a last sleepover in the house as won't be as easy in new place as he will be away from friends.
I can't believe how selfish he is! How can he feel happy in his life without a bond with his daughter?? Just baffling.

I know Hermione it's really crap.

Their relationship is ok and she seems to enjoy the time they spend together but has no desire to stay over or spend more time with him.

I can already see a subtle shift in his prioritisation of DD (or not as the case may be) since he's gone public with the new girlfriend. Its not always because he's seeing her but he's definitely putting himself first eg bringing her back slightly earlier than usual because he's going out.

Hopefully I will get some kind of response from him when he drops her off this evening, although he's off somewhere else after so may well try and wriggle out of it.

Jaffa I'm so sorry yours is still being difficult. I really don't know how you do it. It seems there is a major cloud of fuckwit fog drifting across the country!

So I got a response. Basically bank said 'no' and he's not willing to go back and discuss it further.

I gave him a copy of the letter DD wrote to her friend. He just shrugged and said 'but she's going to someone's house next week'.

After something of a slanging match he left. Then sent me a text accusing me of using DD as a weapon and trying to make him feel guilty.

Really not sure where to go from here as far as he is concerned.