Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

Hi can I join?

I'm feeling very confused about the whole process maybe someone on here can help?

Really sorry it's so long but here's a bit of background, I just feel like I need to get it all down somewhere. I've kept the background in a big chunk incase you want to skip it

Got with stbxh 10 years ago, my first 'proper' boyfriend. He repeatedly cheated on me but I was very young and kept forgiving him. He then became physically abusive. He was very controlling, telling me what I could/couldn't wear, how to do my hair etc. He was allowed to go out but I was only allowed to go out to work or go out if he was there. When we were out I wasn't allowed to talk to any males.
He wouldn't get a Job and I had to support us with everything for a long time. He did eventually get a job but it took a long time.
Like an idiot, I married him. The physical abuse stopped but the mental abuse got worse and worse. I lost all my friends because I wasn't allowed to go out and if I took a phone call he wouldn't speak to me for the rest of the night as I 'wasn't paying him attention'. I told him I wasn't happy one day, he always used to threaten to kill himself if I left him or tried to speak to him about being unhappy, he said we could work on things and I could get a dog for company (if I paid). Sounds so childish but I loved my dog so much. One day I was sitting on the sofa and he said something and I disagreed with him, he grabbed me round the neck and pulled his fist back, he was shaking with anger, my dog then jumped on my lap and growled at him showing his teeth, h backed off. He then said I had to take the dog to the vets to be pts as he was vicious. This caused numerous arguments. I didn't take him. He would then say he 'would have to kill him' if I didn't do something. We had sex probably 2ce in 2014 I found out I was pregnant. My dd1 was stillborn. After this, as awful as it sounds all I wanted was a baby. I got pregnant very shortly after. Throughout my pregnancy I suffered from severe anxiety and panic attacks. H didn't have any interest in the pregnancy and when ds was born he said I can have him until he can walk and talk, then he's his. Ds had cmpa which was undiagnosed for some time, he was feeding every 45 mins round the clock, screaming anytime he was awake, and having regular explosive nappies meaning I got around 30 mins of sleep between each feed at best. I asked h to help out, one night he did and started shouting at ds when he was crying to 'shut the fuck up'. Since that night I didn't let him near ds to feed/change/settle etc.
When ds was 3 months old, I got up in the night to feed him. I went downstairs and my usually healthy dog who was 4 yrs old was lying dead on the floor. I was hearbroken. I still to this day don't know if he had anything to do with it. I spoke to a vet and they said they could do an autopsy but it would cost hundreds and I simply didn't have the money. The next year or so, he started going out more, we stopped having sex completely after ds was born, we barely spoke. He did nothing in the house and was a slob.
One day I was so depressed and dreaded the thought of ds seeing me like this. I told him I didn't want to be with him. Ds was asleep in bed and he went mad. He smashed up the house and started stabbing knives into the work surfaces. This was terrifying as he had previously tried to stab me. He told me he was going to kill himself and started tying a noose. He then smashed up the house some more. I had locked myself in ds room and barricaded the door and heard him leave the house. When he left i called the police. When the police turned up, there was a male officer. He was taking my statement when h pulled up in his car. H came in, saw the officer and ran. He got in his car, the officer smashed his windows and took the keys. He was over the limit so they arrested him for drink driving. I told the officer I was terrified of him and told him about the history and his response was 'he seems like a nice guy' . I left the house and went to dms. H turned up the next day and begged me to go back, he promised he would change, I went back. Things wen amazing for the next month or so, he was like a different man, after a while I moved back into our room. I got pregnant again , then things went back to exactly how they were. I left him in October when I was 35 weeks pregnant. I just left the house with ds, h didn't seem to care at all. After a week he text me saying we should keep things friendly for the dc sake and he said he 'will be' at the birth of dd, I said ok. As he had been banned from driving I used to drive ds round to our house to see him, one day I sat crying on the floor saying i had no money and no home (my benefits were all stopped, and I was in a tiny room at my moms with ds) and he told me it was my fault for leaving him. He didn't care. I have since found out that he last few months we were together he was having an affair. I have asked him for maintanence for he dc, he has said no. When dd was born I text him when I went into labour, he came to the hospital and sat in the corner and refused to speak to me at all. I asked for a drink and he wouldn't pass me one. In the end they sent in a student midwife to rub my back and pass me drinks. When dd was born I had three tears, he asked me to take a pic of them whilst I was being stitched up, then put her in the cot and said he was leaving. I asked him to stay whilst I had a shower incase I collapsed or anything he huffed and puffed and said fine, as soon as I stepped out he just got his bag and left. He's held dd for probably a maximum of 10 mins her whole life. She's 9 weeks old. His mom apparently sent the dc some money for x mas. He's spent it on taking his girlfriend out, or at least that's what I suspect as he 'forgets' his card every time I see him. I have now started meeting him at a local pub as the house is so filthy I won't take the dc in there.

Right that's the background! It's a bit of an essay. I am very proud to say I am rid of him and he is someone else's problem! He has destroyed any confidence I had at all and I can actually say I have no friends to speak to but I have got away from him, and I am very proud of myself for doing so!

My solicitor drafted the divorce petition, which I signed and returned the other day, she said she would be sending it out to him Thursday but it seems to take ages to get the post from her what happens next? She has told me multiple times but I have had so much stress it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I did it on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and I'm a bit nervous of him receiving it as it mentions domestic violence and he'll flip if he knows I have told anyone.

Oh ducky it sounds like you've been to he'll and back.

How are you and the kids holding up? And how are you finding it living with your mum? DD (12) are with my parents atm and sometimes it's actually harder than going through the separation and divorce, although of course we're incredibly grateful for their support.

Has your solicitor talked you through the process? Mine helped me to draw up a time line which I typed up to send to Stbxh. If you want to pm me your email address I'm happy yo send you a copy.

Have you made sure you're getting everything you should be benefits wise?

Also is there a Sure start centre near you? They can help with support around the abuse you've been through and the groups might be a nice way to get put with kids and start building some new friendships.

Welcome ducky to this thread, I'm sure you'd rather not be here like the rest of us but it is a very supportive and informative place to be. I can't advise on the legal side as I'm in Scotland and things are a bit different but I can hold your hand when you need it. You have been extremely brave in getting away from him, you just need to stay away from him this time, that's the hard bit.

I'm feeling a bit emotional tonight. Last night himself finally emailed me an offer. Four documents - a long letter, a draft separation agreement, a marital assets spreadsheet and a monthly expenditure spreadsheet. He'd clearly spent a long time on it but it is so flawed. For starters he'd made a mistake on adding up the assets so instead of me owing him, he owes me.

Anyway, he is offering me the house as long as he keeps his pensions. This is what I expected he would say. He is offering me £x per week until DD2 turns 18 (she is currently 16) or until she completes full time education. This is fine but he doesn't define 'full time education' which is important as she plans to go to uni. He also has a paragraph about him paying for school uniform & me paying for school trips which is irrelevant as she only has a year and a half left at school, only specifically needs a school tie and won't be going on any school trips.

The biggest no no is his special conditions which state that the house becomes mine as long as I guarantee that DD1 & DD2 'will always have a place to reside should the need arise' and that they are the sole beneficiaries of the property when I die. Whilst I understand that he wants to make sure they have a roof over their heads I feel that he might as well just give the house to the girls as I won't be free to do what I want. If I want to eventually sell up and travel the world (I don't) then I won't be able to and when I'm 85 I'll still be legally bound to house them. I will always do the best for my girls but I won't be legally obliged to. Please let me know if anyone thinks I am being unreasonable.

He intends moving out when DD2's prelims (mocks) are finished at the end of Jan. I finally feel like I might be getting somewhere. I makes me feel excited, sad, scared, lonely, teary.

Hermonie, I thought himself was on holiday last week but it turns out that he is off ill with stress. When we were talking last night he got himself into a state and I felt really sorry for him although he did blame the stress on me. Ooo...he has also started drinking, just a beer a night but this is someone who only ever had a beer on birthdays and Christmas (a bit like sex, lol).

I am now on holiday for a week and I was intending doing some tidying things/clearing out around the house but he will still be off work with stress so it could be a crap week off. It will give me time to think about his offer and hopefully get him to ditch the special conditions.

Pandora, were actually doing great! He's never really been involved with ds at all, he's never looked after him, so ds hasn't noticed. In fact a lot of people have commented that ds seems loads happier. I'm incredibly lucky that my family put some money together for me and after a while we managed to get a flat for me and the dc, it's very small and not ideal but it's ours. There is a sure start centre down the road I keep meaning to go to, I'm hoping to find out more about it in the coming weeks but I still have some anxiety issues so am sort of building myself up. I think I'm getting better every week though.

Jaffa, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, how long have you been separated from him? How have the dc taken it? Hope you manage to relax a bit on your time off:

Unfortunately I can't pm pandora as I'm on the app the solicitor talked me through it a few times but it's all so confusing.

Jaffa Do you have a lawyer? I think in your situation, you need one, at least to go over the offer & fine tune it, esp as what he is saying about the house is a bit odd. The asset split should be 50:50, so if his pensions are equal to the equity in the house, that would be ok. Tying you up long term with how you own the house is strange, & how, legally would he do that? Put the house in a trust in which DDs were beneficiaries? Awfully complicated! Get some advice on this, the free 1/2 hour most solicitors offer might be enough.

Definitely sound UR. I suspect he's trying to protect what he still sees as 'his' investment for your DDs in the event of you meeting someone else, which may come from ther right place but is deeply unfair to you.

Faffa are you going through Bury St Edmund's? Cannot come quick enough for me, I am just desperate to be able to get the house sorted and on the market asap.

The lack of space and privacy at The Olds is driving me up the f*ing wall right now

Thanks for the replies. Ducky we split up around the 1st July and have been living together ever since which has been very difficult. The girls are 16 & 18. The oldest stays with her boyfriend 6 days out of 7 because of the situation at home and the youngest doesn't like to speak about what is going on. They have both been very much involved in his narcissist behaviour - when he can't take things out on me and control me then he does it to them. I am concerned about them when he actually leaves and hope that I will be able to be strong for them.

Moan, I do have a solicitor who is great - likes to get on with things and pushes for everything iyswim. I feel sometimes I need to keep a lid on her as I feel that she wants to push for too much which will end up costing me more in fees! However she was the first to tell me that she is there to advise me and if I don't want to be greedy then that is up to me. His pensions mean that he owes me £25K after I get the house (mort free) and keep my pension. He has however valued the contents of the house at £18k which I have ignored as this is the current retail value and includes £2k for the wood burning stove (a fixture and fitting of the house). Even when you take my half off that then he would still owe me £16k. That said I am happy to call it quits and not fight over the balance which could cost me more in fees.

He has decided to call the separation date 1st August which I'm happy with as neither of us came into money or racked up debt between my date of 1st July and his date. If I can get him to drop the special conditions then I'd just get on with transferring the house to me and then on 1st August apply for divorce. It all sounds so simple now. I will of course give all the stuff he has sent me to my solicitor and see what she says. The slight difficulty I have is that he is not going to get another solicitor and abides by the law according to him.

I wish he wasn't in the house as I need to feel my feelings. I can't sit and cry my eyes out or get excited in case he sees me.

Ducky, firstly welcome and we'll done for getting away.He sounds absolutely vile.

I am so glad you have support from family but be aware that you have had traumatic experiences and need to deal with those at some stage.Not now as you are in practical mode but make sure you prioritise yourself with counselling/support at some stage.

The petition gets filed at court and first stage is decree nisi, it means you are on the way to divorce.However the absolute is not usually granted until finances and childcare arrangements signed off by both parties.

So running alongside this you need to determine if you are due money from the marriage, are there any assets such as pension, savings etc.If no then it's much easy as no negotiations with your ex.
You can apply to CMS for payment for your children (if he is working paye) it makes it easier.
What is happening re contact for children?
This may been re tricky part as your children have rights to see their dad.The law assumes most parents are decent human beings but there is a process whereby a court can prevent access if he is unstable.
Log every aggressive incidents with police.
Contact women's aid for advice as well.

But importantly now you are safe, enjoy your babies and don't let him ruin your memories of them.Lean on people to get support and keep posting here.I have older children and admire how you are coping.

Jaffa, hugs to you, it's all getting real and that just brings out emotions.

The condition is unreasonable and certainly not in your interests.He has his assets from the marriage unfettered but yours are conditional? I suspect he has good motivations and maybe thinks you will move another man in and your daughters could be cut off.
It's not usual to provide child support past 18 as the child is deemed an adult and any support is voluntary.If your daughter went to Uni would she be eligible for loans due to your income?

Thanks Hermonie.

That's another point he is determined that a child does not become an adult at 18 if they are in full time education!!! His ex solicitor told him that!

Jaffa, I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to show how you feel! It must be very difficult for you having to live with him, I was so shocked to find out people had to do that! Sending you hugs!

Hermonie, thank you so much for your kind words. We have mediation this week to discuss the property, there are no other assets. I'm worried though as since I have gone he has completely ruined the house, it's so filthy! I got it valued but need to get it re valued at some point this week due to the state and smell of it . Even though I'm not there I'm humiliated at the thought of people going to view it. I said he can buy me out at a very very tiny cost (enough to cover solicitor fees and my debts from borrowing money to move etc) but he said no, I think it was just to be difficult. I have spoken to women's aid and another da charity and my health visitor has been really good. My solicitor said if I had reported the dv to the police I would have qualified for legal aid but as I didn't report it to them I didn't.

Oh and as for the contact, he has never looked after ds on his own apart from half an hour when I would have a shower. He never wanted to. He just demands when he wants to see them and I have to drive them to the pub, which is about 15/20 min drive away, he's happy to see them there for an hour a week and that's it. He basically ignores dd, he is actually a stranger to her and he seems so uninterested. I would not feel they would be looked after properly if he were to have them on his own due to his aggression and erratic behaviour. he used to get very stressed when ds would cry. I don't think he'd bother asking anyway but if he did I'd have to get advice about contact centres I think.

He's only bothered about getting his money from the house (long story but I have agreed to give him a hell of a lot more than I shall be getting just so I can have this all over with sooner) after he has that I strongly suspect he will go off with his new girlfriend and I won't hear from him. When he's with ds it's as if he's just seeing him because of how it looks to other people. Last week he saw him, after not seeing him for I think 9 days, I was sat in a different part of the pub, he went up and ate the dinner I had brought for ds then after about an hour got his coat on as if he was leaving, you could tell he was bored.

Hi all. How's the week started for everyone?

Still no fecking nisi date . I'm going to dig out my paperwork and email them this evening so hopefully will get a response tomorrow.

Think I'm going to have to toughen up wrt stbxh and maintenance. He just won't commit to anything and I'm starting to get a bit riled at the fact he's swanning around in our home with his girlfriend and all his disposable income.

I'm not in desperate need of it atm, but that's hardly the point.

On another, somewhat TMI note, my sex drive has returned which is just bloody marvellous when there is absolutely no prospect whatsoever of addressing that little issue. And the fact the stbx is no doubt having that issue addressed is pissing me off even more!

Harrumph!

Got in touch with the court today - paperwork is still waiting to go in front of the judge. Will be 3-4 weeks before I even get a date for reading of the nisi.

AAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Oh no, Pandora. They must have some backlog.

Pandora is your stbxh paying anything towards the dc? Doesn't matter if you don't need it, he should want to contribute towards his children, although I'm in the same boat! My stbxh just said no. My sex drive has returned too not even the slightest chance of anything happening here either as ds is sleeping in my bed every night and I've not been with anyone else for 10 years, and even then there was only a couple. I don't think I'd even know what to do!

How long have the court had your paperwork for?

How disappointing Pandora. They must be very busy. I suppose at least now you know and aren't anticipating it arriving every day.

What do you do if your solicitor is absolutely useless? She speaks to me like a little child and if I ask any questions she just does not answer them

I have spoke to her today, as I sent her a very long e mail she hadn't replied to. She's so rude when she speaks, which I would have thought would be a good quality for a solicitor but she seems to have a hell of a lot of sympathy for stbxh

The one thing I did get out of the phone call was that stbxh has the petition, his 7 days runs out Friday, she's then sending it to the courts. Do I then get the nisi? Sorry I know someone explained this earlier but I don't get when I get that? Or is it seen by a judge then I get the nisi?

Ducky when your STBXH has returned his petition you will get confirmation from court and you can then apply for the decree nisi. I applied for mine on about the 9th December and it will be pronounced (assuming he doesn't decide to fight against having to pay the costs!) on the 1st Feb.

You could stop using your solicitor and find another one, for me it would depend on how complicated your situation is and how far along you are already - do you want to start again with someone new?

Ducky, you should feel like the solicitor is on your side and I really think it's not likely work for you.

Could you visit others and just see if you get a different vibe? The comparison might be enough to help you decide.

Thanks both, I think I would want a different one, I don't feel like she's on my side at all. The only reason I went with her was because she said she would help with my housing situation. I was homeless at the time but council wouldn't help at all with housing because I was named on a mortgage, but when the time came to speak to the council she's actually put me in a worse position with them! But by the sounds of it, everything is almost done now? I don't know if there would be much point.

Ducky, go and see another solicitor, they may help you work out if best to stay put, as very close to the end, or not.
Mine is empathic and I believe that really helps.They are not cousellors but should show kindness as it's one of the most difficult times in a persons life.

Having a very emotional week! H's divorce petition received today and very much watered down to what I said I could agree with. I regret letting him divorce me as he's has control of the time line and I get the updates when it suits him, not me.

It hit me today that I don't really want a divorce but I can't persuade H to be less aggressive or to calmly talk and compromise so I have no alternative. It seems so futile as I feel H will get to a better place at some stage (mental health wise) and regret it.

I was flirted with by a man this week and usually I would close it down by mentioningr my husband but I couldn't say that. I also had to say my martial status on rental house form and it was the first time I used 'separated'.

I think the grieving process has started and logically I know there is an end but its pretty rubbish being in the middle of it.

How is everyone's week going? Can't believe how quickly Jan is going

Hermione sorry you are feeling unhappy about divorcing. When I split, I mourned leaving the marriage, but did not mourn leaving the man. I was saddened that we did not make it past 24 years, but I had to accept reality & move on. I think you might feel a bit differently if you were divorcing him.
I have had to make plenty of adjustments: I am poorer & have to watch my pennies. But today(only a week on from final hearing/settlement) I love the sense of freedom "capitan of my own ship" & I vow never to let any person have that kind of control of my life again.
It gets better, trust me.