Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

Wow it really does sound like we were married to the same man Hermione!

Another rubbish day here. Really want my stuff out of the house but it's proving virtually impossible as we both work term time only and he starts and finishes earlier than me and has longer holidays (private school). Asked today about taking some exceptional leave but they obviously weren't keen.

Then phoned to see if we could look at the shared ownership houses next week, just out of curiosity. No, all slots fully booked by people able to go ahead and no indication that there will be a subsequent phase.

Feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall and have spent the last hour struggling not to cry at my desk (any more than I did in the loos after the phone call) .

Please can I join?

I've been separated for about 18 months. I moved out and am living in a rented house. We have one child and disagree constantly about contact so feel like having a proper arrangement is the only solution.

I'm so overwhelmed I just don't know where to start. There's not much equity in our house and I honestly just want to cut my losses. How do you choose a solicitor and how much does it cost. I have no idea?

Hi there, motheroreily.

The best way is local recommendation. Do you know any divorced people who could advise? Alternatively, if you're happy to disclose your general location, someone on here might be able to help.

Hi thanks for the reply.

I don't know anyone locally that's divorced. I'm in east anglia. I honestly just want to cut my ties with him, sort out our child contact and if I can get some equity that's a bonus. There's not a lot of money in our house so wouldn't want an expensive divorce quite happy to cut my losses!

Motheroreily you can do the divorce yourself, there are forms to download and complete, it costs £550. You will probably need a solicitor for the financial settlement though. Most will give a first appointment for free. I was in with mine for an hour and a half, all free to start with and she also checked my divorce petition for me within that time. Her normal fees are £200 per hour. If you can't get a recommendation, you could make initial appointment s with a couple and see who you feel most comfortable with.

Hermione I also live on the South Coast, an hour + from London, where, I used to live.
Hermione and everyone can I recommend Meet Ups? They were my salvation, as we split upon leaving London & I had few friends in the area. There are masses of them, focussing on all sorts of common interests, from walking, all sorts of sports, book clubs, spiritual stuff, music. I met my partner through them, & it had many advantages over on line dating, much more normal, get to know someone in a neutral setting, etc.
I hope you don't think it's weird but I keep calling you out in this post Hermione as I am using a Makenzie friend also. What you said about unreasonable exes I found heartening. I prep for my court dates this week, masses of photocopying, basically.
Ex totally does my head in. He is supposed to agree all the court materials with me & then put them together & send to Court ( called The Bundle) Does he, heck? It looks like we will have two bundles, his & hers, & I don't know what the judge will think. I am writing now to alert them of this. In 2015 ex submitted all his financials correctly, since then nada & he mysteriously has gotten substantially poorer, though he has no documentation of this. It is all very exasperating. I am a bit down at the moment, just kind of rung out, work very busy & all my spare time for the next week will be court prep. The prospect of cross-examining ex does not fill me with joy:(

Moanranger, I think you are in the worst phase but it's also the closest to the end.

From my experience judges see through men (and it is usually men) who have been difficult.Finances should be clear, especially if reduced income, and if not judges are wise to the tricks.I truly don't think courts favour women but women tend to be more reasonable prior to heading to court (except Heather Mills😀) so they get more of what they asked for, cue men saying "the courts were biased".

Generally I have found that when judges question or sum up it can feel like your ex has the upper hand and it will go in his favour.If that happens it's a good sign as they try to soften the blow and make the other party feel as if they have been listened to.Summary, if you feel you are getting a tough time it's doesn't mean you are losing.
Keeo the faith.Whatever happens you remember you are a capable woman and will rebuild a better life.
I know how scary it is however and reassuring words don't often take the edge of the anxious feelings.

Pandora, I want to hope for your sake that the current shared ownership places aren't right for you, which is why it's not happening.Sometimes the blockages are there so we are put the right path but it's so frustrating for you as you want to move forward.

Sorry for so many typos, on a new phone and not proof reading!

Mother, sorry, didn't mean to overlook your post.
So I would tackle your biggest priority first which seems to be childcare.What are the issues from your side? Courts generally go for the status quo but with regular contact for dad, which could be EOW plus night in the week.Holidays, Xmas shared.

If you are the resident parent you can pretty much decide on the arrangements and if your ex doesn't like it he can take you to mediation or court for extra.
If the children are older then a court will take into account their wishes.Factors such as school is important but parents are expected to accomodate each other.

If you are being reasonable and it works well for the children then I would let your ex complaint as much as he wants (and you learn to listen with concern but broadly ignore it) or he starts the court process.He can ask you for more contact but if it's not practical or regular you don't have to accomodate it.

On finances look at equity but also pension, his if you have been sahp.
If you feel you have all the financial information and can come to a joint decision then propose the agreement to your ex in writing (doesn't have to be in legal terms) and if he agrees, take it to a solicitor asking for a financial consent order which essentially draws a line under the money side.
He will be advised to get a solicitor.This is just to ensure he is making an informed decision.

Once you have childcare & finances agreed between you then the petition can be submitted to court for a judges sign off.Doesnt have to be in this order but usually you won't get the Absolute until both agreements done.

Costs are £550 plus whatever a solicitor charges, maybe a few hours work (+ vat).

Feel free to ask anymore questions, lots of people here with varying experiences so can help.

Thanks for the advice at the moment she lives with me in the week and he has her three weekends out of four, whenever he's on annual leave, all bank holidays and whenever he finishes work early (his hours are unpredictable so he can't commit to a night in the week). I feel this is unfair as he gets more quality time than me (it was a battle to get the one weekend a month!)

It may seem petty but I won't have seen her on her birthday for two years and if he cancelled one of my weekends because he was angry with me (over something ridiculous but that's another story!) so I feel it would be beneficial to have a proper written agreement at the moment he just gets whatever he wants. He quite unreasonable and controlling.

I guess it will be a lot cheaper to do the divorce myself. I just feel overwhelmed and don't know where to start.

Hi Mother - sorry you're going through this too. The arrangements with your ex do sound very unfair.

You can read about the process for divorce here. There are also links so you can download the necessary paperwork and have a read to see how confident you feel about doing it yourself.

You will probably have to pay for solicitors fees but you might get help with court costs - you can check your eligibility here. It's really worth checking - I was right on the borderline to qualify but managed to get my divorce court fees reduced from £550 to £100!

I've done the form filling, then just combined a quick check with the solicitor with any other stuff I'd needed to speak to her about. Have had two appointments so far and anticipating 1-2 more, but that's advice & form checking re all the divorce stuff, consent order and making my will and trustee arrangements for DD.

If you are able to come to an agreement re children and finances you will need a consent order which gets ratified by court between decree nisi and decree absolute. You will need to get this drawn up by a solicitor - it costs around £500-600, and the court fee is £50. You will both need to fill in financial information forms to accompany this which you can also download for free.

Pandora - did you mention that you work in the public sector? If so, your union may offer a free Wills service....

I'm not a union member. Always was until at my job before last we got hit with redundancy and they were worse than useless. All their involvement did was drag out the stress for weeks longer than necessary and secure a better deal for the tiny minority or people who kept their jobs. I've given them a swerve ever since (and would be in the same one with current role, hence not bothering).

Thanks for the suggestion though.

Still feeling rubbish about everything at the moment. Have no time to deal with the practicalities and no personal/head space to process the emotional side of things.

Don't know how I'd have coped the last few days without DD chivvying me along. She insisted on a chick flick and sleepover in her room last night to cheer me up, and this morning presented me with a drawing/quote "The best view comes after the hardest climb"...I'm a very lucky mum even if I've not feeling very fortunate otherwise.

Wow Pandora, inspired and in awe of your dd.

Mother, Is your dd at school? If so that feels very unfair - even if she wasn't at school it's not acceptable to not have equal weekends as that is typical. He's not likely to get a judge to agree to the current schedule.

I think you will end up in court as he's not being reasonable - please don't fear this.

Can you state that current arrangements aren't working as predictability is important plus weekend time must be shared. Propose every other weekend - Friday to Sunday or Friday to Monday, plus a night during the week. If he can't make that night due to work on a regular basis, you understand and where possible will try to rearrange (if it suits you and your dd)

School holidays to be spilt equally or slightly extended such as he has an extra day over half term. This is the norm for most parents, unless both parents have equally work responsibilities. You can propose that you each agree at the start of the year the holiday schedule BUT with the view it's equal. Christmas etc to be alternated.

However from what you have said it seems it's highly unlikely he will agree so you have to take the lead and you may get flack from him BUT it won't last forever.

How do you feel about this? If it ends up in court - so be it. The benefits are, you will get more fairness that you do today, you will get predictability and a solution that will last until your daughter is older. It seems like a choice between confrontation now to get an agreement you can both live with or continuous low level confrontation until your dd is grown.

The benefit of a court order is both sides have to comply and it can really reduce all the unnecessary arguing that happens over contact so I feel it can be beneficial.

If he fails to agree to your proposal (seems likely) ,invite him to attend mediation, if he fails to agree there (and I know one situation where the dad just sat not willing to say anything so it was a hour of non talking) then go to solicitor and get the court process started.

In the meantime can you insist on equal weekends and shared holidays? He can't come into your house and take your daughter, even if he feels like he can. Most controlling men back down once they realise their previous compliant partner has now put in place a firm boundary...but they will test it many times, they many rant but ultimately he has to go to court to get your proposal over turned.

Aargh - just got a big box today of "the scrote"'s banks, etc statements! These should have been with me a month ago - I sent mine to him, all indexed, etc. He just sent his in a great wodge.
. It is a bit late in the process to raise queries, but I think I will chance it. Going thru all accounts, am amused by the fact he is still paying for (and presumably using) dating sites while with the OW. Also paid her £4K. What for? Putting up with his bull shit or his tiny dick
Hermione Do you have any suggestions on an opening statement? I think I should prepare one, but how to differentiate it from Statement of Issues, Sec 25 Statement, etc? I thought perhaps to make it like an introduction to how I will present the case? Ideas gratefully received.
Back to the grind tomorrow, so much perusing 6pt, grainy, photocopied bank statements, drawing up tables, printing two further copies of the bundle, writing letter to court, prepping for cross exam, etc. (in my job, not a lawyer but an expert witness, so I know what's needed, I just usually get paid fairly well to do this

How's everyone today?

My 2 DCs are now aware. They seem to be adjusting, the older is finding it harder but it's only day 3 for them. Word is getting around locally too, although in fairness we don't live in a gossipy area. I've had a few supportive texts. I've also been making a few coffee/lunch plans with friends for my days off in January (I don't work on Tuesdays).

TreeTop, I found that the more people that know the better. People will understand when you are not yourself. I've also had three people tell me that he has inferred that I'm getting everything and he'll be left with nothing. The reality of the is complete BS as he hasn't offered me a penny.

Planning things to do on your days off is a great thing to do as often by the time that day comes you really don't want to do it but you do anyway and feel better for it.

I'm really struggling at the moment. He is supposed to be speaking to me sometime this week but I don't see it happening and other than going to court I don't know how to move forward.

I'm sorry to hear that. Could you pin him down to a time and venue? Maybe a text suggesting a pub (neutral ground is good) on Thursday evening or something.

TreeTop, on Saturday I asked him if we could arrange a day to talk as I had things on this week...he went ape shit at me. I was controlling, the world revolved around me, go jump off a bridge, why don't I just leave. He won't talk to me and anything he does say is abusive and very hostile.

I'd love to pin him down just not in the way you are suggesting - I'm thinking maybe a nail gun, lol.

I'll give you an alibi!

Maybe we could all alibi each other or swap stbxhs to bash some sense into? I am thinking a baseball bat to the head for mine...

I am having a rubbish day emotionally, I slept really badly and was awake at 3am crying, something I've not done for a while and then when I did fall asleep I dreamed about him. I was planning on going to the gym after work but might give in to an indulgent early night. I am finding the ups and downs really exhausting and the thought of feeling like this for months to come is dreadful.

Good luck for your court date Moanranger

Can I join? I'm waiting for STBXH to reply to my informal offer re finances and child arrangements. I started another thread but it didn't get many replies. We are still living together at the moment. I want to stay in the house with the kids as I am the primary carer and can afford the mortgage. I can't afford to buy him out upfront, but can raise enough cash for him to get a deposit on a suitable place in the area and he could have the rest in a few years when the older kids leave school and I can downsize slightly. He wants all his money out upfront though, as he has talked about leaving his job and going travelling or doing less well paid work.

My lawyer has said he'd have to get a court order to sell the house which could take 18 months and would be very unlikely to succeed. This would be a nightmare as we have 2 kids doing GCSEs and Alevels :(

Hi Nearly. Has a mesher order been mentioned? I don't know much about them but I know that some couples get them when one party wants to stay put with the children until the youngest leaves school.

Tapir, the 3am waking thing is something that many of us will identify with I expect. It's bloody horrid and demoralising.

Nearly a judge would allow you to stay in house while DCs are young & settle an equity split later.
Jaffa their anger is bewildering. You are not alone in this.
In court within 36 hours. Got an email today from x responding to my financial queries. Such anger & defensiveness! He sent me his whole case by email - basically a giant, illogical rant - there is a big blank for "skeleton argument" I am sure his barrister is struggling.
Wouldn't be surprised if he wigs out completely on the day.
Watch this space.

Moonraker, so sorry I missed your update.Not sure I'm best placed to advise ypu but your approch sounds positive.
Good Luck though we are all rooting for you.Just have an image of MN'ers with pompoms cheering you on and your ex looking very small and dejected.

Jaffa, my guess is your H doesn't want the divorce but he doesn't have the skills to fix it.
Ironically if you want to move it forward and can bear this approach I would try validating his feelings, lots of listening and hearing him out.If he is abusive, swearing or name calling say I would like to hear you but can't whilst you are name calling and leave the conversation. Then try again when he is calmer.
He's sounds like my ex who fears control so can't bear it if I take initiative, he has to be heard as only his pain is real.

I am trying this approach with H because we are due to go to mediation and I want a degree of calmness, for my benefit.

Tapir, I'm so sorry as I know how awful it is when the sadness hits. I think adrenalin keeps us going for a period of time and then the crash hits when the pain comes to the surface.It can be like waves, that build up and then get released.Hopefully the intensity will lessen for you but not sure there is a way to avoid it.I still cry often but I think and hope the worst maybe over.Have you considered counselling as I think having a fixed time to talk can help.

Saw the counsellor tonight and she has suggested I rationalised the red flags when I should have listened to my gut feelings.I think she is right, my lovely mum encouraged us to always be empathic witb others but perhaps it's not in balance.

Saw a rental house today, it's not cheap but great location for schools however it's a bit student'ish. I may take it (as properties really rare) however just worried about it being a bit depressing if I have to live in it for a reasonable time before I can buy.I know I am fortunate to have the option and have my fab family to thank.