Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

Don't know what's wrong with my vowels though...it's actually a lovely cottage with a hot tub

"Hit tub" reminds me of the policeman in Allo Allo :-)

Great that you've booked a hol. I quite fancy Bluestone in west Wales but it is quite pricey and I don't know how my finances are going to look.

Pandora - I'm sure you'll have a fab holiday. I took the dc on holiday on my own this year and loved it (like you ex usually drove).

Solicitor has been on holiday since before Xmas so not much happening on mine as she needs to correct some paperwork.

After himself announced that he had sacked his solicitor we have hardly spoken. I asked him today when he intends speaking to me and he said next week some time. He is on holiday this week and watching tv for the duration by the looks of it! I have a week off the week after next so hopefully I'll be able to enjoy it.

I have also booked myself a short break in July. It is a craft retreat which is something I've wanted to do for years and I'll get to meet my crafting hero. I'll be going with someone I recently met through the crafting blog which will make the experience much more enjoyable. I can't wait.

On the 2nd Jan I signed a new contract at work which gives me a 32hr contact, not the 40hrs I had hoped for but the shifts are great and it is doing the job I love so I'll just have to learn to adjust.

I'm finding myself thinking more and more about dating. I've been on a couple of sites and deleted myself as soon as I've had a browse. I'm not going to do anything about it until I'm divorced but it has made me realise how long my marriage has been over and how ready I am to move on.

What sort of crafting do you do Jaffa?

I'm always dabbling with something, usually paper based, but my current passion is pottery painting. They do potters wheel sessions at my local pottery cafe too which I'm going to do at some point this year, and hopefully investigate the new fused glass workshop that's opened in town.
I'm really hoping there may be enough space wherever we end up, and enough money left over for me to buy a small home kiln.

In the meantime I'm planning to learn to knit properly (can do lots of stitches but only squares!) and crochet this year.

I'm hopelessly uncreative. My favourite subjects at school were maths and languages. I was terrible at art, needlework etc. I'd love to be able to draw. I'm also not one of those people who can throw an outfit together and look instantly stylish.

Pandora, I'll try any craft but at the moment I'm into card making. I follow Barbara Gray from Clarity Stamps and it is one of her retreats I'm going on. It is more than just sticking paper to card - there is nothing wrong with that of course. This afternoon I played with acrylic paint on card to make backgrounds.

I have also done jewellery making, silk ribbon embroidery, crocheting, sewing, interior design to name a few. I have a cold enamel kit and encaustic art kit that I haven't tried yet.

Treetop, I'm really not artistic and can't draw at all. Cross stitch, embroidery, etc. doesn't float my boat but like you I'd love to be able to draw or paint.

Over the last year I have forced myself to craft and enter blog challenges...I have even had a couple of top 5's! It has kept me sane during all the shit.

Anyone else got any hobbies that keep them going?

Top 5's sounds great - I didn't even know that sort of thing existed.

I started writing when my marriage originally took a downturn about 6 years ago. It was amazing at the time - almost like a drug tbh but that's fallen by the wayside now due to lack of inspiration, which is a shame I was fairly successful with what I published online.

Now it's more arty/crafty stuff when I get the chance. I like writing but art definitely comes more naturally to me when I'm not spending far too much time naffing about on MN and FB!

Ha! I can waste hours on Mumsnet and Facebook. I've avoided Facebook over the last week however, because people's happy NYE photos and posts were a bit painful to see. I'm finding the sight of happy couples with their kids hard to deal with.

I did post an update earlier but lost it!!

Treetop, I'm amazed at the emotions
I'm having day to day but I generally feel I'm getting better.I'm a bit of crier and wish I could switch the tears off.
So glad everyone has stuff to look forward to.I plan to see a friend in Scotland when the weather gets warmer but hope to book a yoga retreat as well, some where exotic I hope.
I also have pottery on my list of things to do and would love to be more creative but ex wasn't at all so I think I let that side of me slide.

The therapist I saw is trained in emotional focussed therapy.Just speaking to her made me feel she had genuine empathy (as opposed to professional empathy) and she was pretty direct.None of this "how do you feel".She quickly indentified I had given up lots for ex and trusted him explicitly which is why I feel so letdown.She also said I needed a narrative (for myself and for my DC's when older) and that was spot on.Unlike affairs I don't know why ex behaved as he did/does.She made some guesses about him as a person which I found uncanny..I spent lots of time saying "yes, that was how it was".
I have great friends who will listen but tend to have have their own opinions (and hate him because of how he has been) so an outside person is helpful.

Tapir, seems so quick! Would you apply for absolute if finances not resolved? What will do about housing?
I hope the solicitor you have is tough with your ex.I know solicitors advise against court but sometimes it is the only way.My friend was offered a lousy deal through mediation but went to court and it was substantially increased.I have seen 3 situations that end up in court and in each case feel a very fair settlement was given.If you are reasonable, you don't have to fear a judge.

I'm waiting for ex to agree my amendments to his petition.Back story is I agreed to him divorcing me as he wanted to wait 2 years.I really thought he would be respectful in the petition but he was completely vindicative.It also became clear that he hadn't told his solicitors what we had agreed I.e I wanted to divorce him or that he had agreed a reasonable draft with me, all documented on email.My solicitor phoned his and suggested a positive way forward but also gently set the record straight, without it being in writing so ex won't be obviously aware!

How are your ex's doing? Can't help but be pleased when friends comments on how terrible he looks!
I think men generally react to separation with anger but the anger eventually catches up with them making them feel depressed.Women generally deal with the emotions upfront and mostly heal long term.

PS I'm also attempting Dry January as a way to think clearly and properly feel my anger IYSWIM as opposed to anaesthetising it with too much lovely escapist wine. He doesn't know this so it's kind of a card up my sleeve - he thinks I'm a mess - fits his world view that no sane woman could leave the amazingness of him.

Hi Cola...I was contemplating dry January, but I still have lots of lovely vodka leftover from Christmas which is a bit too tempting atm, although I generally only drink at weekends anyway.

would love to be more creative but ex wasn't at all so I think I let that side of me slide.

Same here. I could never really work on anything over a period of time as X would go batshit about my stuff being out. His hobbies were all outside the home so he just didn't get it at all.

After yesterdays positivity I've woken feeling really ghastly. Am not sleeping well anyway - late evening/early hours is the only personal space I get so I'm wired by then and not sleeping until about 2am then up at 6.30am.

Keep dreaming about X - last night's were horrible, he was being really abusive to the point I knew that if I went back my life would be in danger, but I was still in love with him and felt I couldn't help myself even though I was terrified.

Feeling really resentful of him at the moment, carrying on life with his new woman & not paying maintenance while I do 95% of the parenting, have had to start working f/t and sometimes feel like I'm hanging onto my sanity by a thread.

DD is incredibly insecure and clingy since we left, still no sign of her staying over with him. On top of that I'm massively overweight and lacking in confidence so can't imagine I'll ever meet someone new.

Just feel crap. Would love to take the day off work and give myself some TLC but there's no point as would have mum and dad at home all day so wouldn't be remotely restful.

Anyway that's my whinge of the day. Best pull myself together and crack on as still in PJs and need to leave in 15 minutes!

How did your day go, Pandora?

It's exactly a week since ex and I broke up. It was about 5.30pm last Thursday.

Pandora I am sorry that you're feeling bad, the ups and downs of emotions are exhausting. The last few days I was feeling so low, but today I am more positive again. I hope it passes for you too. Dreaming about them is awful especially when they have a new relationship. Like you, I feel like I will be alone forever as I can't imagine meeting someone else. He is happily going about his life whilst I am feeling like my world has ended.

Hermione I am living in what was our house at the moment while stbxh is renting a flat. This house is too big for me really and I am sure that he is desperate to move back in and get his cars and motorbikes back in the garage. Fortunately my family have a property that I can move into before buying my own place but it will.mean two house moves.

I met with my solicitor this afternoon. Apparently stbxh's solicitor is known for his marriage and aggressive stance, and the letter I got just before Christmas was very agressive. We are going to make a counter offer on the assumption that his form e agrees with the figures he's provided already. So I am back to waiting for his response again. I've been advised against applying for an absolute until the finances are agreed.

Ha, he's not known for his marriage, but for his arrogance! Great autocorrect.

How are you doing today TreeTop? It's especially tough when you start thinking, "this time last week" or, "this time last year"

Hi just popping in to wish everyone embarking on divorce and separation well. I'm almost a year on, recently passed the last date ex was abusive. I had hoped paperwork and court things would move more quickly (split Jan, started in Feb). I postponed doing things as I wanted split to be over. After 7 months I wanted more fun and tried online dating and highly recommend it for distraction if nothing else!

After seeing a few men, I've currently seeing a man who is pretty much opposite to my ex.

BTW my ex's solicitor wrote horrible letters and stalled, they get more money doing that so it can happen. Try to keep negotiations factual and remember if it goes to court you both stand to lose so wrangling over smaller savings isn't worth it even if it seems wrong.

Superb autocorrect! I really hope the response is "yes, Tapir". Fingers crossed.

I'm OK. The children still don't know, which is awful. We'll tell them when ex has somewhere to live. Ex and I are amicable at the moment but it's weird, this state of flux.

Thanks for the support all. I can't get much reception at work so it was really nice to come home to your posts as after putting a brave on most of the day felt dreadful again.

My colleagues were fab and fielded people and calls for an hour or two first thing while I just got my head into some paperwork until I was feeling up for people, then let me have a rant over lunch!

By the time I got home I was really low again, then had to text X about some arrangements for DD. He phoned back and was a bit of an arsehole (not massively, just totally missing the point I was trying to make which wound me up no end).

Ended up under a blanket in my room, sobbing. Mum sent Dad up to deal with me and we had a hug and a good chat. Followed that up with pasta, chocs and vodka and have a long, hot aromatherapy bath planned shortly.

God...I sound like a bloody teenager!

Tapir sorry your exes solicitor sounds like a prat. Touch wood I've been lucky in that sense at least. Can't believe people fall for the crap they spout without realising it's all to make them more money.

Your workmates sound lovely Pandora. I'm lucky like that, too.

Tapir, so glad you have a place, it represents a base to recover from.Your ex sounds very archetypal. I suspect he may end up a rich but lonely man.

My situation is similar'ish. My family will pay for me to rent in an area close to them. Then I will buy but will be 2 moves. Seeing a rental place this weekend (although it's not what I would want). We did lots of building work on current house so it quite large and very lovely, but much too big for me.
My experience of court from friends and I've helped 2 other friends as mckenzie friend is that if an ex is being stupidly unreasonable then court is highly effective. It cost a friend 10k for court but she was able to get 10x that in court.

Pandora, your dad sounds great but I do feel for you as I am so glad of my space. I sleep really badly (peri menopausal insomnia) at times in my cycle and I am so grateful for the days I can just collapse on the sofa.
I am enjoying a large glass of wine, which I might regret tomorrow but felt essential tonight.

Your ex has taken a shortcut to the pain - it doesn't mean he won't be grieving. You sound like a wonderful woman and I know childcare feels draining at times (12 is a very difficult age, speaking from experience) but you will have the bond with your daughter when she is slightly older and it will be worth all the effort. Oh, I wish for a crystal ball into our futures.

Treetop, I was just like you, counting the time we have separated but it goes by quite quickly and I am now 2 over months from him moving out. My youngest was distraught and then seemed ok, then had low periods when reality set in and is now settling again. He said a few days ago that he is less upset then a while ago so there is progress. I invited ex on a walk after xmas and I think it helped to 'normalise' the situation.

So stbxh is currently calm and reasonable but I need to schedule mediation which is likely to cause him to lash out. I need to brace myself as I know I am stalling so as I avoid the backlash.

I believe ex has mental health issues, related to his severe childhood abuse but he is high functioning and performs well in a highly paid career. In personal relationships he swings from fight mode to fawn mode. Now that I am out of the situation it's clearer to see. Doesn't really change anything as I don't think he has insight and it's much easier to blame me.

I would like to meet someone else but I'm not keen on putting myself 'out there' on dating sites so not sure what the chances are. My interests tend to be female dominated. I think I would love the self esteem boost which after a difficult marriage is likely to be to lower than before.
I know however that I loved being single - I had an previous LTR end and looking back those were fab times. I remember I had a mantra that said would say Yes to every invite, if I was free, no matter what it was. It was very liberating.

Just a poll, where are people roughly - I'm SE, an hour outside London, Jaffa I believe is Scotland?

...it represents a base to recover from...

You've hit the nail on the head there I think and that is what is missing for DD and I, but there are some benefits to out circumstances and there are so many worse off.

From when I realised my marriage was over until now, one of my old school friends has seen her dad die suddenly in his sixties, and her pre-teen DD diagnosed with cancer. That's 2 out of 3 of my worst fears right there and a constant reminder of how bloody lucky I am to 'only' be going through this.

Treetop I'm glad you've got supportive colleagues too. It makes all the difference when you spend a lot of time at work. I consider myself especially fortunate as I only started my current job less than 2 weeks before I left STBXH!

Hermione I'm a little over an hour from London too, on the south coast.

Yep, I'm in the Highlands.

Hermonie, you asked the other day what our ex's were looking like. Mine sits on the couch and falls asleep - snoring, mouth open, tongue hanging out, dribble down one side of his mouth, polo shirt pulled up and showing his over hang, occasionally farting. Three words I have used to describe him for a long time now are - aggressive, self-centred and lazy. He has looked like this for a number of years but now he walks around with a scathing look in his face. It is not attractive, god knows what I ever saw in him. If anyone else fancies hooking up with him...let me know, I can introduce you, lol.

When I was a lot younger and going out with guys I often only lasted a few weeks with them before I dumped them. I realised now that these were the guys that I should have stuck with as I got rid of them because they were too nice. The guys I had longer relationships with had a bit of danger to them. I just hope at the age of 49 I've learned my lesson. BTW, it sounds like I've been out with lots of guys - I've not, really, honest.

No wine for me today but I have had quite a bit of chocolate.

I wish I could give everyone a real big hug but a virtual one will have to do.

Hahaha about what our exes look like.

I must admit mine is not unattractive. He's not an Adonis or model type by any means but he's in good shape, own hair & teeth and dresses well enough. He's lost nearly 2 stone and shaved off his beard since I left though, so facially he is a bit potato-esque .

Ha, Jaffa, that made me laugh!! I might pass however..Obviously nothing to do with your description of him, just the distance as I couldn't do a ldr I can't see why you are keen to give him up as he's sounds so attractive!

My ex is attractive, was once a poster boy, a little overweight but own hair & teeth, exciting and well paid job.He really is perfect from outside and appears such a gentleman.Women will firmly believe he had two mad ex wives...But as soon as you need support when it doesn't suit him, like being in hospital or he perceives you slight him (highly sensitive) then watch out as he becomes Mr Blaming & Angry who is never wrong.Oh, he must also do his hobbies whenever it suits him or else you control him.He likes career minded women but you can't surpass him or else he makes it very difficult for you.You must be smart but don't be too clever as you are trying to manipulate him.
Applicants for the role of wife nos3 need to be able to walk on eggshells whilst providing him with a high quality domestic environment and lots of physical affection.