Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

treetop from what I understand 50/50 custody is both an entitlement and a starting point. We both want to have the children. I therefore cannot see there being the slightest chance that either of us would give the other more access, so 50/50 will be the only fair option (regardless of whether it's best for dcs)

In an ideal world I'd ask for 70/30 in my favour, but he would never agree, and he's perfectly entitled to share their care and upbringing.

We've agreed on 4 nights with me and 3 with him. That allows me to claim child maintenance, which in turn means I can afford a suitable property to live in.

Ryman, are you both working full-time? I think 50:50 can be proposed but it does depend on the status quo.It really does depend on circumstances.

It is painful at first to be away from your children but it is something you get used to, like going back to work after maternity leave.I am 2 months down the line and now see benefits of child free time mostly to recuperate from stresses of break up.
I trust my stbxh with parenting however and that helps.My youngest is 10 and I feel resilient so I don't worry too much.
The fear of separating is often worse than reality.

I have read the whole thread before posting. I am much farther down the road than most of you, tho still not finished. Separated Feb 2013, divorced March 2014, but finances still not settled, I have been to court for financial settlement 4 times & will now go to a final hearing (trial) in 2 weeks. My ex is a deranged ass.
I spent over £20k on solicitors so am now self-representing, with a Makenzie Friend (ex-family law solicitor) helping out. I will be cross-examining the scrote myself.
A few thoughts : Ryman the courts have wide latitude on child custody & do what is in the best interests of the children. Get a solicitor pronto, & make much of his moodiness. Sounds like he is best suited to the weekend daddy role.
Everyone ALL STBXHs are completely deluded regarding their share of finance. In a long marriage, the financial split is AT LEAST 50:50; again the courts take into accounts the needs of the parties -read Sec 25 of the Marriage Act. The split is all assets, so the asshole that just bought the property on his own, thinking he could screw you is shit out of luck, as that, too, will go into the marital asset pot.
Sex after divorce Your libido will return, probably in spades, once you no longer have to f**k a mouth-breathing ex. I started a great relationship six weeks after my ex & I split & we are still together. And the sex? Oo la la! ( I am 64 BTW)
Get on with your financial split, & do read the 2015 Sharland decision & pass it on to your vacillating exes. Eye-opening.
Yes, it's shit going through a divorce, but take charge of events as much as you can, & don't get bamboozled by exes bullshit.

Moanranger you sound bloody awesome!

Best of luck to you with the court case - you must have balls of steel...good on ya!

PS...deeply relieved to hear there is still hope for my lost sex drive

Good luck for 2 weeks' time, Moan! It's been a long process for you it seems.

I told my elderly parents yesterday and they were awesome. They told me that I have their full support. My dad suspected something was wrong, he said.

My husband has been with his parents (miles away) since he left on Thursday but there has been little contact other than to say that he will see me on Tuesday evening - our younger DC is performing in a concert and we're putting on a united front. Hopefully we'll get the chance to talk afterwards. The initial dazed-and-exhausted feeling from Thursday is relenting and although I'm stilll heartbroken I think I need to make some tentative progress.

Moanranger what a powerful message you are a true inspiration!
Treetop - I am pleased you have the support of your parents , I am sure they will give you the support that you will need.
Lol - "the asshole who just brought a property ... " - Love it!

By the way happy new year to us all!!! Onwards and upwards!! 😁

Thank you Moanranger, you've cheered me up this morning. When I get back from work this evening I'll be looking up the info you mention.

I am sooooo tired. Stbxh turned up 30 minutes late last week when I needed to get to work and this weekend he decided I could have the kids in NYE. Then he decided there was "no point coming back until Tuesday" - no, don't worry about seeing your kids, I'll just pick the pieces up. He reckons my solicitor is holding things up but it's him who won't discuss options or go to mediation. He's now saying that I live "bill free" so he's not giving me any money for he doesn't have any. Wtf? He is paying mortgage and bills in order to buy me out of the house (essentially I'm paying him £1k for bills and he pays me £1k for savings so rather than mess about I just put the 1k in a savings account each month. Then he was basically paying me what he'll pay in child maintenance). He now isn't going to give me any more cos we've reached the point we'd agreed so I said "fine, I'll stop saving".

Then I found out the car I need for work is due it's MOT on Saturday and he hasn't told me despite getting loads of letters about it. Think I've sorted it but really pissed off.

Thanks for posting moanranger. I woke this morning feeling daunted by what is to come but your post has made me feel a bit better.

I have to decide this week whether to make a counter offer to my stbxh, or just refuse his, and insist that he fills in his form e. I am sure that my solicitor will advise. I vary from wanting to fight for every single penny, to just wanting it all to be over with asap.

Moanranger thank you for your words of experience, you have also cheered me up!

I have been absent from the thread for most of the festive period but have been reading - sorry to hear from the new posters that there is more sadness out there but be assured that you will receive fantastic support on here.

Echo Pansy's message - onwards and upwards and lets make it a Happy New Year. I am feeling optimistic so far for 2017 (on Jan 2nd!)

Helpmeltb
He doesn't sound as committed to the joint custody arrangement given the fact he is letting you down already.
I am amazed at the collective common thread of the men being complete asses in one form or another!
I think what they don't seem to have the common sense to appreciate is that if they were half reasonable, so would we be. The fact that my husband is trying to screw me financially only makes me want to go for more than I would have done in the first place!
Don't let the bugger grind you down - it is a power thing, especially when they see you are feeing vulnerable.

Help Do take charge. It sounds like he is setting the agenda. You have very clear rights in this. If they dick around, vacillate, manipulate, then give them a timeframe & an ultimatum " you must do X by this date or I will Y, " and follow through. Good luck all.
I have just completed my financial updating ready to send to court & ex tomorrow. I then have to prepare my bundle ( stuff I will rely on for final hearing) by Friday, so it's busy, busy, busy for me! After that goes out, I prepare my cross-examination notes, & an opening statement. I feel strangely better, as at least it should all be over by the end of next week.

Good luck moanranger! By the sounds of things you won't need it!! 😊 Hope it's all finalised Friday, it's a long old time to be going through all that s**t!

Found this in YouTube some interesting points

That was awesome!

Thank you Pansy - there's some food for thought in that

Hi all, hope you are all feeling optimistic for this year.

I went to a therapist yesterday and she seemed brilliant, just felt as if she got the situation well and could help me.I'm struggling with why my marriage got to the bad place it did and she understood that.It was positive and I think will help me through the process of divorcing.Stbxh had a very abusive childhood and she said it's often in midlife when the issues arise.I can't change that for him but helps me to cope knowing that there will be unpredictability in his behaviour.

I have to start getting the paperwork sorted for house selling as we have an offer.Also need to look at mediation paperwork so I understand my likely outgoings in a new place.I'm due to get a response, from stbxh, on my amendments to the divorce petition so need to steel myself for that.

How is everyone else doing?

Hi Hermione. It's 6 days since it happened. The buzzing headache/extreme tiredness has gone. I'm very nervous about the next stages. And stilll so disappointed. Yet there's a feeling that it's the right thing to do. We haven't told the children yet.

I hope that you were satisfied with the house offer.

after posting my application for a decree nisi on the 9th December, I have just received a letter informing me that it will be "pronounced" on the 1st February. So I could be divorced by the end of March.

I also have an appointment with my solicitor tomorrow to discuss my response to my stbxh's preliminary offer, which as it is far less than the 50% I am entitled to, will be, no chance!

How is everyone else getting on?

I also meant to ask how you found your therapist/counsellor? Are you finding them helpful?

I think it might be good to have someone to get it all out to, I don't have many real life friends and don't want to bore the ones I do have!

Good luck with the therapist and the house sale Hermione

Treetops I'm glad the fog is beginning to lift for you a bit. It's a tough road tbh, I was fine to begin with but it's hit me at some odd times.

Tapir good news for you I guess, and encouraging for me as I posted mine the following week so looks like we might be on target to get house on market week after half term as I'd hoped.

In cheerier news...I've booked a holiday for me and DD in August. It's a lively cottage with a hit tub in a part of the UK I've wanted to visit for years by STBXH always refused to countenance.

I will also have to do my first ever long distance driving to get there. Although I've been a driver for 23 years, H would never let me drive as I'm much more laid back than he is and he was too impatient, so it's time to put my big girl pants on!

Good news about your holiday Pandora :) it sounds lovely.