Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

Thanks for the messages. They do really help. This is such a good thread.

Hi there new to this and never normally post but it is quite overwhelming the number of people going through such tough times.
My h left 6 months ago on a 3 month break and didn't come back. He keeps saying we need to talk but never does. He also fluctuates between being nice to being a complete bastard. I have had to take legal advice as he has told me I am not entitled to half the house as he pays the mortgage even though I pay all the other bills, which most months is more. I was going to settle for half the house but solicitor has said I am entitled to half of everything as we have been married for 11 years. He keeps threatening to move back in and keeps telling me I have to move out. I am worried as I am going away for a couple of weeks and fear he will move back and change the locks.
Just wanted to sound off really, I thought I was doing ok but really struggling the last few days. I need to start divorce proceedings but think perhaps I should wait until after I get back in case that increases the risk of him moving back in to spite me.

I'm sure a lot of people have come across this website but if not it contains lots of useful information re finances and divorce and separation www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/categories/divorce-and-separation

Pansy I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's worthwhile checking how your house is legally held and registering your interst if necessary see here: www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/protecting-your-home-ownership-rights-during-divorce-or-dissolution

Spot the solicitor ( although not a divorce/family specialist it definitely helps!).

Pansy that sounds horrible.

Is your property in joint names? If not you need to register Matrimonial Homes Rights ASAP. Form to download and instructions here.

this is another good site for legal info

Shelter is also good for housing issues of all types, and I'd recommend entitled to to find out about any benefits you might be entitled to if you haven't already.

Help with Fees is worth checking out when you want to get the legal process started as you can get reductions in court fees. I was right on the borderline to qua life but applied and only paid £100 for my divorce instead of £550.

Hi Pansy,

Do you have dc's? After 11 years you should be entitled to 50:50 of all assets including savings and pension. Don't let him wear you down and handle the finances through mediation or solicitors when there is full disclosure.

Where is he living at the moment? What would you ideally like to happen to the house? Could you afford to live there or would you be able to split the equity and buy a new place.
Your H is entitled to move back into the house as jointly owned however his threats could be a way to get something moving with the finances.
What do you want? Focus on what you are in control of, which is yourself only. If he's not talking then it's likely he has disengaged from your marriage.

Waiting for him to talk or move back in is anxiety inducing so perhaps you need to take action and plan on what you want.

Hi Mittens thanks for your advice. We have two properties both in joint names, one is rented out. I wasn't going to go down the route of putting everything into a pot as he has much better pensions than me, 4 cars and another property but if he wants to start trying to throw his weight around and trying to intimidate me then I will go for the lot and then settle on what I was happy with in the first place. My lawyer told me it could cost up to £20k in fees if he wants to make things difficult. Would we split that or would I need to pay as I am the petitioner? I can't even believe this is happening, it all just seems like a nightmare I will wake up from.

Thanks Hermone and Pandora. He has been playing with my emotions making me believe we could sort things out when he had no intention. No joint children so I suppose that's a god send. He has always been secretive about his finances so I guess he will be good at hiding what I don't know about. I know he is entitled to move back in. He is living in one of his other properties but has told me I need to move out as he could afford to live in this one without my support, something I can't do. This also means that he has been lying about his income as he has always declared he earns the same as me (albeit it is paye from a company he owns ) but he couldn't survive here on his own if that was the case, the house is on the market but no real interest so far.

Pansy, hi. He sounds very difficult but you seem to have a good solicitor.

Hi treetop. Yes he seems very good. He was recommended by a friend who is also a lawyer so I am happy that he will do the best for me. I would rather not have gone down this route but I can't believe H is trying to screw me out of the house and so ultimately it may just cost him more! Having read all the thread it seems that I am not the only one to not recognise the person who I thought I had married... Or with hindsight maybe I do!

Hi Pansy,

He sounds very much like my STBXH although mine still refuses to move out. Very similar to you, we have 2 jointly owned properties and he has a couple others which he owned before we met. They're all with mortgages so not as valuable as appears. I'd initially focused on our jointly owned properties with no intention to have everything in "pot" but he's been a complete bastard/terrorist and I have had to disengage completely for my own sanity, but also for the sake of our young dcs. We've been married 7 years and co-habiting for 10 years. He's ceased ALL contribution to the family and is trying to financially frustrate in an attempt to have me give in (as knows I can't afford all family financial obligations and solicitor/court fees) to his unfair demands (50:50 shared parenting - for financial reasons as barely shows interest in dcs, plus not wanting full financial disclosure as I believe he has a lot to hide). Essentially, every penny I've worked my ar*e off to earn in the last 10 years has gone into our family whereas he has been investing his (for himself, not the family). The strain and burden of carrying it all eventually tipped me over and I called it quits (to his utter dismay). He still can't get over the fact that I could "break up the family" (which is what he's told young dcs) and is determined to punish me for that.

Anyway, two things for you - 1) you have no idea just how much strength and resilience you have. Trust yourself and where possible, ask loved ones for support 2) try as much as you can to disengage emotionally. Use the opportunity to reconnect with yourself. Spend time with yourself and loved ones. This too shall pass...and lean into this group. Here's to a better 2017 x

Pandora - you wrote erotica online? Did I read that right??

I'm also window shopping on match and it's hilarious! Not planning any dates in 2017. The toys are much better - no drama

On a more serious note, hope you're having a much better day today. STBXH has dcs today and I'm sorting through dreaded finances and trying to pluck up the courage to start looking at the Form E! I've given myself till 5pm after which I will sort out my dinner and get ready for my date night with Netflix and wine. Might even check out those sites you mentioned

Have a lovely evening, everyone xx

Thanks Captain M. I am trying to disengage but he keeps trying to engage like he cares, I know it's mind games. The other property we were buying together and he bought it solo at the last moment ... Obviously this was on the cards in his mind anyway. Friends are being really supportive but I don't think anyone quite understands the emotional turmoil unless having faced it personally and so I don't want to burden anyone with my emotional ups and downs . What similarities re finances! My dear beloved has also said he won't contribute to the house and has stopped knowing full well I don't earn enough to pay it all on my own. They are shits aren't they! Your advice is very sound, please don't give in. Not wanting to do full financial disclosure is most likely because he has things to hide so don't let him get away with it, you owe to yourself and children. He sounds like mine, building up his own temple whilst letting me put everything I have into our joint life. Am cracking open a bottle as I type - multi tasking!! 😊😊

Date night with Netflix and wine sounds good...I might do something similar as DD is out for the evening with X.

She won't stay over with him still. He was an arse but he does love her and is getting quite frustrated and upset about it. Tbh it's really worrying me too as it gives me very little opportunity to have any kind of adult social life.

It's not too bad as we're living with family atm, but really needs addressing soon. The thing is, I am starting to suspect that it's as much about her keeping tabs on me as it is her not wanting to stay with X.

Friends are being really supportive but I don't think anyone quite understands the emotional turmoil unless having faced it personally...

It's hard isn't it. I have a couple of friends who divorced after shortlived child-free marriages in their early twenties, but none who have been through it after a couple of decades with kids and all the associated complications.

Am very grateful to this thread in that respect, even though thus far I've been fairly lucky with X's behaviour.

Pandora - how old is your dd as it could be just that - she is worrying about you so that may be the conversation you need to have with her? My DS moved out the same weekend as my x, however his was planned as he had just bought his own place. For the first 2 months he came around every evening and in the end I had to invent things I was doing just to allow him to relax and not worry.

Your son sounds lovely, Pansy.

Pandora, I agree that your daughter may be feeling "disloyal"(erroneously, of course) about staying overnight with your ex. Like Pansy's son, she sounds fab.

Let's raise a glass to the good children we've raised!

CaptainM - good luck with the form.

I need to tell my elderly parents what's going on. I can't put it off because we're all supposed to be going out for dinner tomorrow for their wedding anniversary and of course, my husband won't be there and I can't face a two course dinner in a restaurant full of happy families TBH. I have a permanent headache. It's gutting. I'm very worried about their health and the impact of this on it.

We will tell the children when we are ready. They're bright 11 and 13 year olds and I suspect they'll be upset but unsurprised. The atmosphere at home has been tense and heavy. My parents will have no clue though.

Treetop - it's just such a difficult time for you. Would it be easier not to tell them until after the meal and make some excuse as to why he isn't there? I fully understand the happy family thing, going through this it feels like it is being rammed down your throat when normally you wouldn't have given it much attention. There is no right or wrong I think, just what works best for you. Maybe by the sounds of things as your dc don't know yet, hold off saying anything until the meal is over... If you can

Just reread your post. Are you planning on not going to the restaurant? It's your call but these men just shit with our emotions and we end up on missing out on things and events when they are important parts of our lives. I have just cancelled New Year's Day dinner at mine with my family- just don't feel like it but in some ways I feel he is winning as no doubt he will be out enjoying himself. Roll on 2017!

Thanks Pansy. It's just that I'm shaky and in a daze. I don't think I'm capable of blagging it and even the thought of driving to the restaurant seems intimidating - I can't shake this headache and I'm very very tired.

Cross post!

TreeTop , hugs to you we all know how awful it must be for you, it is all so emotionally draining and also you are worrying about children and parents too. I am sure your parents will understand. If you are too worried about telling them now, could there be another reason you can't make tomorrow and then tell them when you have a bit more time to get your head around everything?

If you lot are opening a bottle then so am I.

It's a bummer reading more 'stories' from other people but comforting that others understand what I'm going through. Hugs to you all.

I was going to suggest the same as Pansy - maybe make an excuse about tomorrow and tells them when you're feeling a bit stronger, but you know your parents best.

I'm on the vodka after a wobble earlier. No real reason, just the uncertainty, lack of progress or light at the end of the tunnel and my mum driving me up the wall.

Have also just had stern words with DD...ugh .

Hi, I've been lurking for a while and finally got round to namechanging so I can join.

H and I have had a disastrous marriage. He is a difficult man (says so himself). Alpha-male traits and v educated. But he is unbelievably moody, I'd say he ignores me for roughly 40-50% of the time. By that, I mean he literally refuses to acknowledge my prssence in the room, and when asked a direct question with give a minimal one-word answer. But that's not all. He hates nearly all my family, particularly my parents, who have no idea that they are so disliked. He's incredibly negative about everything all the time. He hates lots of people and is the kind of man who thinks he's always in the right. He blames me entirely for the failure of the marriage, naturally.

Anyway, we are both at a stage now where we recognise that it's over. But we are unable to decide what to do. He will want, and is entitled to, 50 percent child custody. This fact is what has made me stick with a terrible marriage. I cannot cannot imagine not seeing my little children every single day. I cannot bear the idea that I'll be apart from them 50 percent of the time.

Thus, neither of us has seen a solicitor yet as I think we're secretly hoping the other will make the first move.

This is by far and away the most difficult thing ever. I'm planning on telling a few friends over the next couple of weeks as until now nobody has known about this situation.

Hi Ryman. That sounds challenging. How old are they? I don't know much about family law but is 50:50 custody definitely an entitlement rather than a starting point?