Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

Tapir, glad you are Ok, Early nights are a good idea.

faffa, my friend was in court on Fri to sort out Xmas day contact as her ex was being a complete nightmare so I can see how this time of the year are so busy.

It's been a difficult day here but the day is nearly done now.

Well done for surviving Christmas Day, and hopefully for allowing yourselves to enjoy some (if not all) of it too! My stbxh who is still very angry insisted on picking my dcs up super early on Christmas day so we celebrated on Christmas eve. Fortunately Santa got me some nice toys and a subscription to an online dating site so I'm window shopping (just for fun)! Sending you all lots of love and wishes of self-care. Remember, charity begins at home!

Sounds like you had a good one CaptainM.

We had an ok day yesterday - mum was up and about after 3 days in bed poorly, and STBXH's visit went fine.

I've now got mum's stinking cold and the last few days have been quite an eye opener as far as mum and dads age and health is concerned. Between her lack of hearing, age and being poorly she has been incredibly difficult to communicate with. I can be less than a foot away and raising my voice and she won't hear me. We all usually have to repeat ourselves at least 2-3 times every we speak to her. She refuses to wear her hearing aids due to tinnitus & excema but if we get frustrated she gets furiously angry or upset.

She's always been very with it but we have to explain things to her multiple times or she'll ask about something we've just been discussing. Again it's only since she's been unwell but I've never really seen her like this. She is incredibly stubborn, nitpicking, a raging hypochondriac and takes all her frustrations out on my dad - she really is utterly foul to him on a daily basis. On top of this she is largely incontinent which is a horrible cross for her to bear but she doesn't stop talking about it (and its not just urinary incontinence).

Dad is nearly 80 and a sweetheart but a bit dithery.

I am in a complete quandary about how to move forward. I am really struggling to cope living with them (as is DD) - I don't funtion well without space, privacy and quiet and I have little of the first, none of the second and quiet is a complete nonstarter, with the TV on volume 40+ all the time, four phone handsets with different ringtones all on full volume and mum twittering and singing along to her tinnitus and everyone having to shout so she can hear them.

We can't carry on living with them but have no idea when the next phase of shared ownership housing will be available & cost of renting in the interim is not ideal. They really need to be somewhere warden assisted but mum is ridiculously picky and dad throws a wobbly every time moving is suggested.

Sorry for the derail, but am feeling like I've jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire today.

Also supposed to be going back to the house to sort some of my stuff out tomorrow but don't feel well enough so will have to put it off again.

Aww...sorry to hear you're having a tough time, Pandora. Is there a friend you could visit for a day or two, just to get away from it all? Can you and DD get out of the house for an hour or two, here and there to recharge? Thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way xx

Thanks Cap

DD is out for the day and evening with X tomorrow. Tbh I'm sorely tempted to go to the house and just veg out there for the day buy I know it's not really a good idea.

Think I'm going to dose up and just stay in bed - might get some earplugs!

Sounds like a great plan, Pandora! Hang in there. Remember this is all just short-term. Build a vision for yourself for where you would like to be in 2 years and allow yourself to dream away. This will all be history someday xx

Pandora, sounds hell'ish for you.Dumb question but is there any chance your ex would move out whilst house sells?

How are you feeling re meeting his new gf?

Solicitors all say the next few weeks are the really busy time as couples decide to file for divorce.I wouldn't want anyone else to go through this but equally women shouldn't have to tolerate and put up with a partner's bad behaviour.

Build a vision for yourself for where you would like to be in 2 years and allow yourself to dream away

Oh, I'm doing plenty of that, just a bit stuck at the moment without costs or a timescale - is all a bit of a roller coaster atm.

Am dreading going back to work next week as I'll struggle then to get anything but the bare minimum done until half term. X and I both work term time only and can't take holiday in term time so there's precious little opportunity for me to go round when he's not there and crack on with sorting my stuff out in peace. Plus of course it's tricky to make any phonecalls/appointments which is so frustrating.

I bit the bullet and went full time thinking it would make a huge difference financially especially wrt getting a mortgage but it hasn't made significant inroads in that respect and practically/logistically has made life a lot harder.

But you are right of course...this too shall pass - one of my favourite mantras atm!

Hermione I won't be meeting the GF yet. DD and I will go in the afternoon and they are going in the evening, if she goes at all (he wasn't sure when we spoke about it on Christmas day). Tbh I'm not really bothered, other than in relation to any potential impact on DD. I get the impression she is probably more wary of meeting me than I am of meeting her - which makes me want to hang around on Sunday 'cos I'm a bit wicked like that, but it wouldn't be fair on DD, so I won't.

Hope everyone else has a happy & peaceful day ahead .

OMG, I'm home from working a short 4hr shift and I feel so much better. I need to be amongst people I feel comfortable with.

I know what you mean Pandora about working full time. It's hard going and it 's not even as if I get double the pay because the tax man takes his bit. At least I work shifts and get a day off during the week.

My solicitor said to me that the best thing that could happen to me would be that he does meet someone else! I doubt that'll happen anytime soon.

I'm starting to get comments coming my way that people who know people have always thought he was 'funny'. It doesn't make me feel that much better as I'm the fool that stayed with him all these years.

Youngest DD is 16 today so her and 2 of her friends, me and one of my friends are going bowling and eating tonight - looking forward to getting out and having some fun.

Sounds like a good day for you Jaffa. Hope you have a fun evening and your DD enjoys her birthday.

I think for me X meeting someone is something of a relief tbh. I know his friends, whilst being pleased he's happy, think he's massively rushing into it which is kind of comforting too if I'm honest.

I don't want to necessarily be single forever but I just can't even begin to wrap my head around the idea of dating or having another relationship, and (sorry tmi) my sex drive is non existent - I don't even fancy anyone on telly.

As wanky as it sounds I really need to find myself - I went straight from parental home to X (I had my own flat initially but met him whilst I was buying and as things got quite serious quite fast he was always in the background), so have never really had the chance to just be me.

Shit!!! We've just had some cross words and he has told me that he has sacked his solicitor.

Blimey! Is that good or bad news?

My solicitor has worked with X's before on opposite ends of a divorce and was able to reassure me that's she's very level headed and will be keen to get the job done, rather than encourage him to drag it out and be an arse to make more money.

Hope this change is a positive one for you.

Jaffa, sacked his solicitor, it's a bit dramatic! I don't think your H wants the separation or divorce but doesn't have the skills to fix the relationship.

Pandora, I would like to meet someone as I missthe affection. Stbxh and had a positive physical relationship so I feel it's habit. It would however be a very, very bad love idea as I think you can't move on that quickly without first going through the stages of grief. I feel a new relationship is a bandaid or a shortcut to feeling better but long term it's can't be healthy. New relationship whilst sorting our finances and divorce - who would realistically have the headspace??

Jaffa, did he say why? I changed mine a couple of months ago as she was too reactive and I felt I was spending a lot on letters which his solicitors mostly ignored. I must admit mine's more of an acrimonious divorce than others, so different situation.

Hermonie, my relationship was the opposite - less physical/affectionate over time. I certainly couldn't imagine a relationship during the divorce but I'm enjoying window shopping on dating sites, as well as getting to know myself better. Pandora, I recommend toys. Never had one before divorce and now loving the exploration and self-care. Who needs men? 😉

On a more serious note, I've got my first court date (finances) and will be starting the new year with a Form E. Not looking forward to it at all...and stbxh seems even more angry since he got the court letter. Just wish he'd move out so there's no chance of getting infected with his negative energy/vibes.

Here's to a better 2017, ladies

re toys Captain. Sadly I think that'll have to wait until I have a place of my own.. My room backs on to the Olds and whilst Mum is deaf, Dad is not!

There's some excellent erotic fanfic on t'Internet (I wrote some of it!) if that's your thing, but you do have to trawl through and awful lot of dross and dodginess.

I'm sure I'll get there eventually...and I must admit I have also done a little 'window shopping' on Internet dating sites. Not very impressed with match.com, although I've only done a very basic account set up as I'm not ready to go down that path for real yet. I also registered with Elite Singles the other day - fewer matches but much more on target so think I'll give that a try when the time comes.

Had an interesting turn of events today. MIL who was an absolute nightmare whilst we were married has done a sterling job of keeping her distance since I left. One of her main things was to insist we had work done on the house, by BIL which she would pay for as we couldn't afford it, thus providing BIL with an income and keeping X beholden to her. There was no arguing with her and she would totally take over and choose fixtures/fittings etc - after several massive rows I gave up challenging the situation in order to keep the peace as I knew X would side with her out of fear/obligation (she's a truly nasty piece of work - fixated with money and status).

This morning she presented X with a list of all the work that's been done on the house that she's paid for and told him she expects us to reimburse her 50/50 to the tune of £3-4k each .

He asked what he should tell her about my response to our conversation about her demand.

I suggested 'jog the fuck on'

Captain, sounds like you had a successful Ann Summers party. Having never had a toy before I also bought one recently, does the trick.

I wee while ago I registered with plenty of fish and within a couple of days I was bombarded with winks and guys viewing my profile - which only had my name, age and town, no picture or profile details. I looked at one guy who I thought I recognised and I did, it was a guy from STBEH's work - who would have got an email saying I'd viewed his profile...oops! It was too much for me and I deleted myself. As much as I want to be with someone who loves me I'm not ready for that.

I had asked himself the other day if he had heard from his solicitor as my solicitor had sent an email last week. He replied that he had sacked his solicitor as she hadn't responded to him and he wasn't going to pay her. He has said recently that everything 'is the law according to me' which is actually the law of the land - he has different ideas though. He is not going to get another solicitor and he will sort things out in the new year. Whatever that means, I don't know but I suspect it means he will tell me what is happening - no discussion or negotiating. He is also talking about desertion. He will make sure no-one knows where he lives or works. What a dick. I guess I am meant to beg him not to do this. It is difficult to know what to do next. I suppose I need to wait until he tells me what he is planning but I think if I say anything controversial like 'what are your pensions worth' then he might just disappear. I have no doubt that this is another of his mind games and he is losing control over me. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment.

Pandora, it amazes me what people will do but nothing surprises me anymore, sounds like you're the same. I don't think she has a legal leg to stand on anyway, there is no contract between you and her re money.

Jaffa that doesn't sound great, but hopefully it's all bluster and bollocks.
What stage are you at with it all? Is there anything you can do to move things on before he has a chance to pull any stunts?

Wrt to my situation with STBXMIL (hurrah!) There was never any discussion of it being a loan or paying her back beyond her sniffing around trying to find out about my parents Wills and saying on one occasions that I could pay her back from any future inheritance if I wanted to, when I tried to get her to stop doing it.

It was only ever a control thing with her - keeping us on a string whilst being able to show off about her son's home and the part she had played in it. She chose our kitchen, bathroom, flooring and 3 structural alterations, and if I tried to assert myself would go batshit.

Anyway I've told X I won't be including any such thing in the Consent Order and if she wants to pursue me legally for it, good luck to her. She has also been a bitch to DD (completely blanked her on Christmas Day) and I've pointed out to him that she needs to decide very rapidly whether she wants to risk losing that relationship permanently as she's walking a tightrope of me refusing future contact atm.

Also discovered today that the new gf isn't the first since we split. He started internet dating back in mid October!

Hi everyone. I'm new to this thread but not to Mumsnet.
Today, my husband left. It was horribly sad but I wasn't shocked, I've felt ill at ease since October. We lived like flatmates not a couple, barely speaking. We had a miserable Christmas putting on a brace face for our children, 13 and 11. Devastating. We both deserve better.

Terrified about telling the children. I wonder if they suspected that all is not right but they'll be heartbroken nonetheless and I worry that I am harming them. They're the priority 100%. They're great kids, they enjoy school and sports and have nice friends. Don't know when to tell them.

Also terrified about telling my very elderly parents who are not in great health and dote on me (their only child) and my children. They won't be angry (divorce isn't taboo with them or anything like that) but they'll be sick with anxiety. They have very few friends still alive and only one relative other than us.

Sorry that was a bit of a rant. My mind is all over the place.

Hi TreeTop

Sorry you find yourself here. How are you feeling about it yourself? Sad? Angry? Happy? It will be tough for you but we are all here to listen and support.

I ask because it's important that we also take that time to think of ourselves and not totally ignore our emotional needs (although I'm sure I am not the only one who puts mine to the bottom of the pile). I am only recently coming to terms with my own impending divorce as it became clear that things were untenable but H is currently in the spare room and have had the same fun experience of putting on a sham Christmas for the kids. Although we had told my parent and in laws so they knew (mine were amazing and helpful (although all for scheaming against H which I have no interest in) and MIL just cried about it for the whole day as it was so upsetting for her . Yes dear that is the worst thing in all this, that it is upsetting for you - honestly I could have murdered her but instead ended up comforting and reassuring her.

So I'm fully ready to dip my toe in the water. My second life has been shite for a few years and I used to actually enjoy myself sexually so f**k it (so to speak ). I was pleased I rebuffed the advances of an amorous 25 year old at my Christmas party and I have a date in January! (Well I say dat - basically I have agreed to go for a drink with a guy from Guardian Soulmates which I signed up to in the middle of the night last week and has been proving a fun distraction!).

I have a question re finances though. H and I joint own house - he is saying that he is happy to move out and rent a place and let me and the kids stay here while he pays maintenance (subject to him actually getting a job). Has anyone experience of this situation - can it work??!

Lol second life sex life

(((Hugs))) Treetop

I'm also an only child of elderly parents and my DD's 12 so very similar circs (no family local either).

It is hard, and mine are very involved as were living with them. I tell my dad everything but am more choosy about what I share with mum.

The children may well suspect - it's amazing what they pick up on. My DD is being very resilient on the surface but is having some counselling through the GP and school are very supportive.

It sounds like your situation is fairly civilised, as is ours for the most part. It does make a huge difference.

Having this thread for support is fab too so keep posting .

Hi Mittens and Pandora.

Mittens, there's something so depressing about a sham Christmas. I've put on a happy face at lunches with parents over the last months, and at a few parties, but Christmas is something else....

Pandora - I was reading your posts and thinking that we sounded similar.

My dad has physical health problems which stress won't help and my mum has dementia (undiagnosed) so I worry. And now there's no one to share the burden if they ever need care, or if one of them dies.

So much stuff swimminf round in my head.

Is there any way you could delay telling your parents until you've sorted out a few practicalities? If you could say to them that you're separating but the living arrangements will be ABC and arrangements for the kids will be ABC then hopefully it will at least alleviate the practical element of the stress.

My mum is very good with that aspect but a nightmare on the emotional front as she goes into overdrive and everything becomes about her. My dad is clueless with practicalities but great for me to have a potty mouth rant to followed by a big hug, even though he's approaching 80.

It's interesting that you mention coping with your parents needing care or passing away. I vacillated about leaving X for 6 years and was determined to wait until DD was grown up and my parents were no longer around to do it.

One of the things I realised when things got really bad is that X would have been more hindrance than support wrt to my parents as my looking after them would impact on my ability to pander to him. He had barely been on speaking terms with them for about 5 years before I left.

Mrsmittens, if you can afford to take on the house then I think that's an excellent way forward.If your ex doesn't have a job will you have to support him?

Treetop, welcome, it seems the sham Christmas does finalise the decision for couples and Jan is the busiest time for solicitors.
I dreaded telling my dc, literally anxious beforehand.The youngest was so upset but is adjusting.I can't say it's fine because it isn't but I know it's better for children to be away from hostile relationships.It is really early days for you and you will be on the roller coaster of emotions.Ex left 2 months ago and I have days when I'm doing ok so time does help.You need to focus on self care, sleep, eat well and find some way to relax.Its important you priortise yourself as that will help you to be strong for your DC.

I'm awake as stbxh has been "nice" recently and I've been reflecting on the good times.I have however just wrote a list of all the occasions in the last year he was so unsupportive or aggressive and that has helped.

He is just being civilised yet I feel so grateful.We are due to start finance discussions so I'm sure the Mr Nice Guy will disappear.
I spent time with my brother & partner a few days ago and they seem to have such a lovely relationship with lots of laughter and it made me realise I deserve better.