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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support for those starting the divorce process

999 replies

hermione2016 · 26/09/2016 09:29

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

OP posts:
CaptainM · 19/12/2016 23:10

Hi Secretsout, you're welcome. Sounds like you've taken the first couple of tough steps - acknowledged you're done and found a solicitor. Yes, it's a scary place to be - not quite where you were before and not clear on where you're headed. Hang in there and take it a day at a time. I hope you have someone close you can confide in; a space to vent without fear of being judged. Join us whenever you feel like it and know that you're not alone. Best wishes to you x

Helpmeltb · 20/12/2016 01:47

FFS I can't stop crying tonight. I have spent ages today sorting the house for Xmas. I asked him to tidy his stuff up on Sunday (he'd left a chopping board used for raw chicken for 4 days on the worktop) and he did hardly anything. Why would he, he's not even seeing his kids on Xmas day. So yet again I get to be boring mummy sorting everything out that needs to be done while he gets to be be fun dad. Never mind that I did 60 hours at work last week. No, his girlfriend has told the kids it's "unfair that have to go to wraparound care" Angry. Oh and stbxh is getting 9yo dd1 a phone for Xmas - except it's my old phone and he took it without asking. When I said he could pay me the £37 I'd get for it he said he "doesn't have £37". Hmm

I am sick of this crap. I am sick of living with him, sick of being the sensible one. Everyone thinks he's Mr fucking nice guy - nobody knows I used to save most of the money he gave me when I was a sahm and regularly paid off his credit card, how I felt guilty about going for a coffee with friends.

Everything has gone wrong today. 2 bags of food shopping ruined with leaking sauces, kids' paper chains fall to bits every 5 minutes, kids' jigsaw is too hard, friend's Xmas present is for a day they aren't available. Can I just wake up in 2017 please? Had enough of 2016.

TheTapir · 20/12/2016 10:41

I'm sorry you had a bad day yesterday Help. I've had several days when I just cried all day long. I hope today is going a little better.

It's so hard and I am not even living with my STBXH I can't imagine how difficult this time of year must be. Can you have a little time to yourself today to do something nice just for you?

2017 is not far off and I am sure it will be a better year for all of us.

Secretsout · 20/12/2016 12:05

Thanks for the welcome captain

We spoke last night for the first time in weeks (I kid you not) and I actually felt sorry for him. What am I thinking. I need to hate him. He's been an absolute arse to me, over and over again, obviously it's my fault he treated me like this because I didn't show enough love or affection to him.

Sorry to hear you've had a bad day help I've got no emotion whatsoever, nothing at all.
I just want it to be over quickly as the emotional blackmail has already started

Hermonie2016 · 22/12/2016 13:48

Ltb, how are you feeling today? The down days are just the worst.You must be super tired from long hours and that will lead to greater emotional distress.

Keep posting as I think the journey is something we can all relate to.

Secrets& Mog, welcome, it feels like so many going through this, you wonder who can stay married after 10years??

I'm actually in a better place (for now) after some really down days.Ive had support from ex's family and it's reassuring as I have known them 15 years.

I now have 3 things on my 2017 list I want to do for me.

I also think I'm detaching from ex.Its not so painful to think of life apart.I didn't want the marriage to end but I couldn't tolerate his aggressive/controlling behaviour.I suspect he may have done me a favour although I don't want my dc to have the pain they are going through.

What has helped is focussing on me, meeting friends and catching up on sleep.Going through the emotions drain me completely.

I do want to get Christmas day out of the way as it will be the first time I see ex on weeks when he collects DC as we are sharing the day.

New year is sorting finances so now is the lull before the storm.
I would happily meet up with our little group, I'm outside but can get to London.

TheTapir · 22/12/2016 14:31

I realized last night that I no longer miss my stbxh. I still hate him for what he's done and for destroying the future that I thought we had together, but I don't miss his physical presence in my home anymore. I don't miss the excessive drinking & long boring stories, I don't miss the mess or having motorsport on the tv all of the time and I don't miss him coming to bed hours after me and waking me up, then snoring all night.

The pain of the deceit is still so strong that it takes my breath away at times but I am starting to feel that I can move on.

Still no offer from him, or any news from court re the nisi but I have heard that family courts are especially busy at this time of year.

I hope everyone is ok and manages to have a good Christmas.

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 22/12/2016 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheTapir · 22/12/2016 15:04

I have read that they are busy with parents arguing over access during the Christmas break. Not sure how true it is, but it's been 2.5 weeks since I sent off my decree nisi application and I haven't heard anything yet.

PandoraMole · 22/12/2016 18:51

Hi everyone. Sounds like we're all holding up quite well given the time of year.

Sent off my nisi applicatin on Tuesday and hope it continues to go along fairly quickly.

Have had a very mixed day today. This morning I made some enquiries and discovered that I should qualify for the local shared ownership housing scheme. There are two new build sites with a range of 2 and 3 bed houses going up over the next year or so. No guarantees but fingers crossed!

Popped into X's on the way to drop DD off at a friend's this afternoon as she needed to pick a couple of things up. He took me to one side as he wanted to speak to me about something personal. Braced myself for another plea for me to go back, only to be informed that he has acquired a girlfriend and is planning to introduce her to our friend's at a gathering we are both invited to on New Year's Day Shock!

Helpmeltb · 22/12/2016 19:48

Feeling a bit up and down still. Today was good - lovely day out with kids and dp (they know him as a friend). Stbxh decided he would go to girlfriend's tonight Hmm so two upset kids when we got back.

I went to look at a house to rent yesterday and had an uninformative voicemail from agents today so need to ring back first thing to see if landlord wants to rent to me or not. Didn't really want to rent but I think it might be best for my mental health.

Hermonie2016 · 22/12/2016 20:31

Pandora, omg, that was quick and possibly accounts for his recent nice behaviour?
Can he really be serious about inviting her to an event you will be at.. that's pretty insensitive.
How are you feeling about it all? These men do move on so quickly..Anything to avoid pain and face up to reality.

PandoraMole · 22/12/2016 21:28

I feel ok. A bit weird but somewhat relieved that he's moving on tbh, and I had an inkling that it was on the cards for a few weeks, as did DD.

The thing next weekend is an 'open house' so we'll arrange it so we don't cross over as DD will be with me and there's no need for them to met yet.

Helpmeltb · 23/12/2016 10:37

I've just heard the landlord of the house I looked at on Wednesday is happy to rent to me. Going to fill forms in today. It's only 2 bed but at least I can relax in it.

TheTapir · 23/12/2016 10:53

Great news Help :)

TheTapir · 23/12/2016 13:09

I've received a letter from his solicitors and it seems that he just can't stop lying. Apparently I knew and agreed to gift a very large lump sum to his mother a few months ago. Considering how much of a bitch his mother was to me, I don't think so! They timed the letter so it arrived just before my solicitor's office closed for Christmas at lunchtime too. What a twat. I am fuming and can do nothing about it until the new year.

Helpmeltb · 23/12/2016 13:20

FFS, solicitor has said that if I move out there's no incentive for stbxh to sort the finances or remove my name from the mortgage, that he could move gf in and/or change the locks and it would cost me a load to get anything sorted. Can't take that risk so stuck here in hell for the forseeable future Sad. Oh and stbxh said that me staying here gives me no incentive to sort stuff out (yeah cos living with a twat is so much fun) and apparently me being stuck here "is my solicitors fault" - presumably because she is protecting my interests rather than his Hmm

PandoraMole · 23/12/2016 13:52

Well clearly it's Christmas fuckwit central here today.

Had to return a few bits to the house for X this morning. After all my cool, calm and collected yesterday I discovered this morning that the fuckwitted bellend has told all - that's right - ALL our friends about his new woman over last few weeks. These are the same friends that I'm supposed to be seeing tonight and next weekend...and I'm supposed to understand his difficulty in who to tell when and be all huggy and nice as he doesn't want an atmosphere over the next few days.

I don't give a shit who he's seeing but am not impressed about being made a fool of. Am absolutely raging right now and doing a less than brilliantly job of hiding it from DD Angry.

JaffaCakesMum · 24/12/2016 19:00

I hope everyone is coping well today.

This morning I opened the wardrobe to see that all of his hanging clothes are gone! He has been gradually taking clothes away over the last few months but they are gone today! There are still some things in his chest of drawers. Also, the drawer in the lamp table next to where he sits in the lounge is empty. It made me feel a little emotional as that signifies 24 years of marriage down the pan. I went for a shower and felt really excited. I am well aware however that this could all be mind games.

I hope he isn't going to be a dick and leave tomorrow. I do think that he might give me an envelope tomorrow with a financial offer in it. If so, I won't be opening it until I'm ready. He will be making Christmas memories for me and the girls for ever more.

I hope everyone can have a decent Christmas and that we all get our big girls pants on in the new year and get things sorted.

Hermonie2016 · 25/12/2016 08:46

Tapir, I hope you are doing ok.Wishing you a Merry Christmas.Lousy (& no doubt) deliberate timing from you ex.Most decent people don't sent a letter a day or so before Christmas.I really hope next year is fantastic for you.

Wishing everyone a peaceful and relaxing Christmas.

CaptainM · 25/12/2016 11:57

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas! Lots of love and hugs xx

Hermonie2016 · 25/12/2016 16:07

Had a good morning with dcs..Stbxh came to collect DS and I stupidly read his previous text messages, the ones where we seemed to have a good life.He also got very thoughtful presents for me from the DC's.I didn't however do the same for him Smile

It set me off crying as I care for him but I just can't live with him or be in a relationship with him.

Flyinghigh2017 · 25/12/2016 16:40

..and don't forget the fixed fee option ..more to spend at Christmas 2017 Star Chocolate Xmas Smile

Helpmeltb · 25/12/2016 17:10

Merry Xmas. Hope all your days have been good.

Kids seem to have had a nice day. A bit more clingy than normal but otherwise ok.

PandoraMole · 25/12/2016 17:49

It set me off crying as I care for him but I just can't live with him or be in a relationship with him.

That's tough, and it's been somewhat like that with me and my STBXH - luckily I have lots of reminders of his arsehole behaviour to keep me focused!

He is here at the moment. Have calmed down a bit now...saw him briefly yesterday and it was all too obvious that he was enjoying me being pissed off with him so I'm not going to give him the satisfaction.

TheTapir · 25/12/2016 18:57

Happy Christmas everyone

I have had an ok day with my family and am now back home relaxing before another early night.

I hope everyone has managed to have a nice day.