Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

Can I ask how those who are still living with their STBXH are coping with cohabiting? It's all very raw here and I am finding it very hard to be civil and not to snipe (even though sniping is pointless as our marrriage is over!). How do you manage to keep sane?

Msmittens, you are most welcome but sorry you are going through this.What an incredible shock for you.Do you have dc's?

I lived with stbxh for 6 weeks after deciding to separate.It was difficult, we would eat together and sometimes it was friendly butvmostly I took myself off to my room to watch TV.At weekends we took turns in going out or looking after dc.

I felt like I walked on eggshellsand it was a relief when he left although that quickly made it all feel very real and I'm now feeling the loss of my hopes and dreams.
It's a rollercoaster of emotions ithout a doubt and the best advice I can offer is to practice loving self care.

Thanks Hermonie. That is good advice on coping strategies. You sound like you dealing with it very maturely. I can empathise with the hopes and dreams stuff. It's like a mourning process for the life you wanted or thought you had. Do you have DC's?

Yes we have two DD (4 and 1.5).

We will be cohabiting for the foreseable. Problem is that STBXH lost his job 7 months ago. Fortunately I am the main breadwinner so have managed to keep things going, but he has pretty much bled us dry of savings by being generally rubbish.

The man he is now is really no loss but he is also not the man that I married.

Faffa - affairs are dreadful. Yes I think keeping ot of each other's way is for the best.

I'm quietly lurking on here and garnering supportive vibes. Acknowledgement of service received this week. SHL sorted after meeting a few duds. Now just for the settlement which I fear will be a massive fight once he realises what he stands to loose.

Pandora it's a hard pill to swallow when they're suddenly being the husband / father of the year. All too little, too late.

MsMittens We're still living together. It's been 6 weeks and I'm counting down the days. Our house is under offer due to exchange in the new year but for financial reasons he doesn't want to complete till after May so we will be here until then. I have contemplated burying him under the patio (joke)!

Mittens, we are now at five and a half months and still living together. My very presence antagonises him and he is very hostile towards me. It is very difficult but the longer is goes on the more normal it becomes unfortunately. I work as much overtime as I can so instead of my contracted 20hrs I'm doing 40hrs. This has been fantastic for me as I've had a couple of meltdowns at work and the people have been amazing. I also feel safe at work and I enjoy what I do. When I'm at home I keep myself busy with my hobby of crafting but even if we are in the lounge watching tv we don't speak. Because of his hostility towards me I try and avoid eye contact with him. I am often aware of him glaring at me but am getting better at not rising to the bait and just ignore him. The longer it goes on the easier it gets and the more hostile he is towards me the more I know I am doing the right thing.

Living with stbxh is up and down. He often treats it like he's doing me some massive favour letting me be here and the little annoying things he does now really piss me off. He's at his girlfriend's a few nights a week so most of the cleaning is left to me .

Hello everyone, and welcome, MsMittens. Like Jaffacakes, my stbxh and I have also now lived in the same house for 5.5 years. It couldn't be less amicable between us and yes, it's somehow becoming the new norm. I am still praying that he moves out asap, but it bothers me less. I learnt that ignoring him, getting on with life and spending time reconnecting with the fun parts of me that I had neglected (music, dancing, watching girlie films, drinking wine, having friends over etc.) is the best solution. It's also meant that he gets less reactions from me including ignoring his accusatory emails....and all that frustrates him.

I'm having an Ann Summers party next week and getting introduced to new toys. There's a whole world out there for us all to explore...one step at a time.

In the meantime, grab a coffee/biscuit/wine and know it'll be a rough detox ride. You're not alone and the destination is full of newness, adventure, self-care and fulfillment. It's our birthright! X

Hello guy's haven't read all the post's but can I join in too?
I recognise a few Iv chatted to before, it's heart wrenching there's so many of us.
Iv just finalised divorce so ahead of some but still having major issues and am heading back to court as ex has failed to comply with court order
Mine was 18years, dreadful for the last 3
Ended when I finally called police for dv and haven't seen him since but he's still threatening & carrying on through my poor dc's. I could go on all day but if anybody has any questions I can answer having completed do fire away I'll try my best. From my experience only of course 'how it went for me!
I was in the process of the 7 day notice when he left but he was adamant he wasn't going to leave, then on 6th night things got nasty too much to bear and so I didn't proceed with occupation order process and injunction as he went with police.
But please please take one thing from me, don't get dragged into all the he said she said crap you know when you get to doing for me etc.. Trust me £17,000 later I realised it is simple a gold mine for the solicitor nothing else. Any thing he did wrong and boy there was loads I easily proved, lies deciept threats etc etc in the end it didn't even come up. It just goes on a summery of events the judge doesn't even read let alone use. So be clever don't be like me, as I say.
my solicitor today demanded yet more money from me as ex refuses to sign for my fees to be put on my share of house as agreed and so she is dangling carrot to pay more or she won't finish the paperwork to secure my share. I'm in huge debt because of this and struggling to cope right on xmas. Had to scrap another 3k today of all my cards just to try and get the arce back to court.

Feeling really blue about it all so found this thread & thought I'll join in for bit of a hand hold if u don't mind.
Good luck to everyone it's an awful thing but I keep looking to the future it's got to be better than this x

Good to have you here panda, we chatted on another thread for a while. You are so right about the he said she said stuff. Most of that doesn't matter. My focus now is on getting a settlement as quickly and efficiently as possible. Thankfully my solicitor is pretty good but I'm not so sure about his.

Captain, can I come to your party.

Great to hear from you, Panda! Well done on your journey so far. I can relate to the financial impact/damage and agree that it's so important to stick to more facts, less emotions!

Ha ha, Jaffa - even I'm dreading the party. My friend sent me a picture of something and I asked if a breast pump, but apparently not . It should be very enlightening! Talking of get-togethers, I wish we were all close by enough to each other and could plan a proper drinks evening! I'll be needing lots of those as it feels like my divorce will take years, at this rate. We seem to be fighting over every step of everything! We've only just applied for ancillary relief so the last 6 months have been spent fighting over parenting plan. He's refusing to disclose finances already and definitely disposing assets/accumulating debt. A long, long ride ahead! I'm grateful for this thread as I lurk way more than post, the support is always appreciated. If nothing else, it's good to know I'm not alone.

Talking of get-togethers, I wish we were all close by enough to each other and could plan a proper drinks evening

I actually have group of MN mates who I met on here and after about 8 months we all got together somewhere central for a RL meet up. 6 years later we're still friends and they've been a fantastic support over the last year or so. If anyone on here fancies arranging something when were out the other side I'd definitely be up for it, logistics permitting!

MsMittens that must be one heck of a shock. I hope you're bearing up ok and that your STBXH cuts you a break after all he's already put you through.

I had quite an emotional meeting with mine this evening when he dropped DD off. Have been feeling very tired & emotional, worried about the future and missing not being a 'proper' family...even though we hadn't really been one for some time.

Anyway had a chat and agreed that though it was really sad we hadn't been able to get a grip on things in time, and are fond of each other, we drive each other round the bend and would probably gone back down the slippery slope had we reconciled.

He has seen the bank today and the costs of releasing the equity are fairly insignificant in the grand scheme of, so he's made an appointment to fill in the paperwork on Monday and the money should be released by the end of next week, so DD and I can start house hunting in the new year.

Still keeping it under wraps until I have the cash in my account...but what a fantastic 'Christmas present'!

I'm starting to feel like a bit of a fraud being on here as he's being so obliging (touch wood), although this is a million miles from what I expected when I left.

Welcome Panda and thank you for sharing your experience. I'm right at the start of the process but already experiencing how having solicitors involved can change what should be a relatively amicable arrangement. I guess what we should all accept in this situation is that there's no such thing as a standard path through it and people can behave in ways you never thought possible (I include myself in that)

The time of year just makes things harder I think. I finally plucked up the courage to make a drs appointment today to ask for a referral for counselling, although they can't fit me in until after Christmas.

Captain - I'd also love to come to your party

You're right about the time of year Forme - it's never going to be easy.

I'm thinking of stepping away from FB over the next fortnight so as to avoid all the gushing coupley nonsense so many people post. We got engaged on Christmas eve so it's hard not to be nostalgic for happier times.

Jaffa & Captain that much open hostility must be so awful. Although a lot of the last year of my marriage has been like that but now we have decided to part ways we are both just very sad when the kids are not around. (Well I flip flop between raging mad and heartbreak). He has been at two NA meetings since he told me and is trying to sort out the substance abuse issues (alcohol and some drugs). And he said that his priority is to make sure he "fixes as much of the mess as he can" and that once he is sorted out he will find a flat nearby. Can't wrap my head around everything that is happening to my life though - braving being back in the office tomorrow after calling off for "norovirius" for 2 days.

Pandora that sounds like some positive steps. That would be nice for you and DD to be able to start moving forward.

Captain unsurprisingly given STBXH revelations things have been a bit "stagnant" in that department! I could probably do with a reeducation, although I would probably be terrified .

Panda your experience sounds horrendous. I am so sorry.

Had my first counselling session today and she was surprised about how calmly and collected I recounted all that has gone on in the last 6 months. I'm pleased to hear you're going for it, Forme. Grab any support you can get.

I'm surprised too, but I have a good support network and I have to hold things together for my DCs. We can't all be going mental at the same time, however tempting it is!

Pandora & FormE - yes. let's all plan a celebratory drink somewhere down the line. All the war stories! Not sure about others, but I'm in London.

MsMittens - that "department" has been shut for while now, so i'm looking forward to rediscovering self-care

Panda - hang in there. You're definitely not alone.

Have a lovely weekend everyone!

Oh god - I have had wine - big big mistake. Enormity of the situation is just really hitting me. After having been very "in control" have spent the last hour sobbing in the corner. Excuse my language but what the actual fuck has happened to my life.....

mittens in my experience sometimes wine helps, sometimes it doesn't. Not very scientific sorry and probably lots of people will say steer clear of it altogether but on occasion I've found it

Helps you get through a particularly difficult evening.
Can you tell I may have had a glass or two tonight ?

I agree wine has its moments. I've certainly had more wine that usual in the last 6 months!

Hang in there, MsMittens. This too shall pass xx

MsMittens when I left my STBX amongst the first things I packed were my wine, gin & beers ! Wasn't a huge stash (was the beginning of the summer hols so I'd just stocked up) and they lasted me a while but I think we've all been there.

It's probably not a bad thing that you've had a good a cry. I didn't at the beginning as was so relieved to have actually left, but it's crept up on me unexpectedly a few times since and its not nice when it hits you suddenly.

Wrt your He's revelation about his sexuality...nothing can change the hurt the you must feel or the frustration that you've had to deal with his issues as a result of his trying to suppress his feelings, however I do have an acquaintance who split with her H for the same reason. They also had two young children at the time.

I don't know them well enough to know the details but before the split he was a mess - looked like a tramp and I believe struggled to hold down a job. Since he came out he has totally pulled himself together, looks like a different man and has really stepped up where the kids are concerned. She has also moved on and is doing fine as are the children.

There will be tough, painful times ahead, but hopefully you might find a similar resolution once the dust has settled .

Mine is certainly shaping up to be a much better XH than he was a husband (touch wood), which is weird and sad in a way, but confirms what I often thought over the years - that neither of us are bad people, we're just a bad combination.

My nisi application forms came through yesterday and I had my works do last night. I'm lucky to have managed a reasonable number of nights out since we split, but am constantly surprised by how much my self-confidence has taken a battering. No matter how much effort I make I always feel like a fat, frumpy, middle aged wallflower. I managed to get on the dance floor last night though, for the first time in nearly 2 years .

Hi everyone, not been on MN for a while, but now I know my marriage is over and we're talking about divorce I knew this was where I needed to come for advice and support.

My marriage has been on the rocks for years, finally decided to call it a day. My husband is a fantastic man to be friends with, but as a husband? I just can't cope with it. All the usual stuff - guess who does all the childcare and emotional labour, and then I get moaned at because I'm too tired/overwhelmed to have sex or fawn over him.

So it's finally over. He's, of course, casting me as the cold hearted unloving wife. I just cannot be bothered to fight back now, as long as I get my freedom I'll put up with the slurs.

When we talked about splitting before we'd decided to do the 2 year separation thing, however we've found out that in order for me to keep the house (it's council) we need to officially divorce/separate. He's done some reading and decided that divorce makes the most sense and he has decided to bear the brunt of the costs and be the petitioner - so I guess I need to check out if his generosity means he knows it puts me at a disadvantage.

Why can't splitting up be easy and stress free?

Ah thanks for all the support. I probably needed a good cry. This stuff is pretty lonely and it is good to have some people to talk to about it. STBXH has taken the kids to his mothers today and given me some space. I'm trying to use this time to start actually processing things.

Pandora thank you for sharing re your friend. I am pretty sure that this will end up being the case with us too. AS SBTXH has pulled his act together a bit since the big reveal I hold out hope that one day we will just be a super modern family and SBTXH and his lovely boyfriend can come over for dinner with us all. Fair to say I am not there yet though! Here's hoping for better XH than H for us all!

How are you feeling about your papers coming though? Nice work on getting out on the dancefloor!! I bet you are nothing like a frumpy wall flower - but I know what you mean about it being hard to see yourself in a positive light.

Mog welcome and draw up a chair. Sorry you are going through this too. I can tell you this thread has already been a source of support. Sorry you are bearing the brunt of the "blame game". I do think they need a no-fault divorce procedure in the UK that doesn't cost a fortune.

Hi all, can I join? Been married 20+ years and together almost 30 years. Two teenage school kids. Finally had enough of his shit and giving him chance after chance . Probably EA. I have a solicitor who is going to represent me on the financial front. I'm filing the divorce petition myself to save money. I'm so scared about housing, money and kids wellbeing. I gave up my job this year to go self employed so I have zero income, he earns six figures. No sign of him moving out of the house. Preparing for a rocky few months