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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support for those starting the divorce process

999 replies

hermione2016 · 26/09/2016 09:29

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

OP posts:
TheTapir · 06/12/2016 21:47

Hi PandoraMole, I sent the divorce petition off on the 9th Nov, he returned his acknowledgement on the 23rd, I think, and I got the forms to apply for the decree nisi at the end of last week. I have no idea how long I have to wait for the nisi to be granted.

PandoraMole · 06/12/2016 22:17

That's quick!

I was hoping we'd be able to put the house on the market mid-end Feb but if your timetable is anything to go by we might get things moving sooner!

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 07/12/2016 13:13

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Hermonie2016 · 07/12/2016 13:26

I was talking with a male friend yesterday who mentioned stbex mid life crisis, oddly I had not thought of it before and when I reflected I realised it's probably the case.Ive thought he had mental issues as si erratic.

He's been wanting "adventures" , a motorbike, fast sporty car and worrying about reaching 50.What I had not realised that the blaming the partner for everything also goes with the midlife crisis.

On a positive I found an area I would like to move to and a rental house but when I phoned today it's under offer however it's helped me establish where to move for schools as my son starts secondary next year so that was a major step forward.

How is everyone doing? I do feel sad that Christmas will be so difficult this year and I haven't been able to focus as I normally do.Hardly anything bought so I need to get a move on!!

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 07/12/2016 13:42

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TheTapir · 07/12/2016 14:26

It's my wedding anniversary this month too :(

I've booked myself a couple of nights away at a spa hotel to take my mind off it. I'm not sure that it's going to work but it's better than sitting at home feeling miserable.

Hermione, I thought that my STBXH was having a mid-life crisis - he moved out of home into a bachelor pad and bought himself a sports car - and I thought that we could maybe still work things out, then I found out about his affairs. I know that he has MH issues and suffers from depression and anxiety - hardly surprising when at once point he had four women on the go at once!

So, sometime shortly after Christmas for the decree nisi then Faffalotty? I'm hoping that I'll get a decent offer from him soon, I'd really like him to buy me out of our properties so I can start again from scratch. I'd also been looking at houses online but have stopped for the moment in case I see something perfect but can't do anything about it.

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 07/12/2016 17:41

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JaffaCakesMum · 07/12/2016 20:21

Tried to talk to himself a short while ago but he just put his fingers in his ears! All I'm trying to ask him is if he will be able to talk to me about how we move forward and if he can make me an offer but he just ended up putting his jacket on and went out. More and more these days I wonder about MH problems, he certainly doesn't behave in a reasonable manner. I can't quite get my head around the paradox that he can't stand me and doesn't want to be anywhere near me but also doesn't want to move forward.

Christmas will be interesting. So far it will be myself, both daughters and MIL - yes, his mum! We may also have another couple of people as well. He has told me he won't be around but he hasn't told the girls yet but he says the girls will probably have guessed by now. However it wouldn't surprise me if he is here.

Seeing my solicitor next week to see if I can get an offer from him but in the new year I'll really put my boxing gloves on and get things done. If I don't get things moving he won't and we'll still be like this a year from now.

Hermonie2016 · 08/12/2016 21:20

Jaffa, absolutely, stbex wrote such unpleasant stuff in divorce petition yet doesn't want to get divorced.
I've told him, if I was that bad he should divorce me.
Do you think deep down in he wants the separation/divorce?

JaffaCakesMum · 09/12/2016 09:31

Hermonie, you are right, deep down I don't think that he wants to divorce. His latest thing is to keep saying to me that I have caused all this. My response to that is to say that if he was a half decent human being this would never have happened. His response to that...to repeat it back to me in a baby voice! He is never going to admit that he is anything but perfect.

The biggest problem I have at the moment is that youngest daughter is doing very poorly at school. She excelled last year (5 A's and a B in her exams). Her report wasn't good and her parents night reflected that. This morning I've just received a letter that she isn't going to her instrument tuition despite being in school. Not sure how to deal with it as we have already spoken and she admitted that she'll just tell me what I want to hear.

Pidlan · 09/12/2016 09:55

Hello. I'm late to the thread, but am hoping for advice. (Feel free to tell me to start my own thread.)
Separated for 3 years. it just stopped working. There was a huge age gap and I wasn't the girl woman he married. We have 2DC and get on very well- I think he's a lovely, lovely man and am thankful that he's the father to my DC. But I know there's no going back.

When we decided to split, he said he was going to move out, but he just didn't. (House in both our names.) So I moved out with the DC, renting a place from a parent. We have never spoken about money or a divorce. I never felt the need.
But now parent wants to transfer the house I'm renting to me (ShockShockShock I can't quite believe it) but says I should get divorced first.
So, to make a long story short- what is the absolute cheapest way to do it? If I do the £550 one on the govt. website, will he have to pay some on his side too? There will be no arguments about property, custody etc.

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 09/12/2016 10:43

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PandoraMole · 10/12/2016 20:47

Another Saturday...another blazing row with mum.

Living here is not doing any of us any favours in the mental health department. Am thinking of asking STBXH if he can speak to the bank about releasing £5k equity from the house so we can look for a place to rent straight after Christmas.

Hermonie2016 · 11/12/2016 13:00

Oh Pandora, feel for you and it's definitely a good idea.I really think your own space is important.As much as I love my mum I know we could not live together again.

Stbex is getting difficult, I think we agree one thing and then he changes his mind,he's not responding to my suggestions of dates to see our son and he's suddenly reacting to the idea of me moving which he had always supported.
I have a bad feeling this will get very hostile and whilst I don't want it to be I just know you can reason with some unreasonable.
I suspect there is OW which I will never be able to know for definite as he covers his tracks well (works in IT security).

Hermonie2016 · 13/12/2016 03:35

Pidlan, It's definitely worth getting a divorce if you now have assets but should you consider pension or other martial assets? Worth speaking to a solicitor which will cost but will protect you long term.
A financial order attached to the divorce makes its a line in the sand for financial claims against each other.
I''m glad it's amicable for you so much less stressful.

Pandora, how's it going?

PandoraMole · 13/12/2016 18:41

I emailed STBXH yesterday evening about releasing some equity.

He agrees it would be better for DD if we could get settled in our own place but is worried about the additional cost if the house needs to revalued and the extra on the mortgage which he'll be paying until the house is sold (so for approx six months).

If the cost of releasing the cash is silly then I can see his point. As for the mortgage repayments...we're six months down the road and I've still not had a penny in maintenance so I'm not feeling terribly sympathetic on that front.

He'll be bringing DD back shortly so hopefully he might have some news as he's on Christmas break already so has time this week to get the ball rolling.

How's things with yours Hermione?

Hope you've manage to get some arrangements in place for your DS Flowers

Forme2016 · 14/12/2016 12:39

Pandora - not something I'd usually recommend but a cheaper option may be to get a credit card with a low or 0% apr which you could use for six months until you can sort out proceeds from your house properly. I can only imagine how stressful it must be staying with your parents when you really need your own space to start healing.

Hermonie2016 · 14/12/2016 14:36

Pandora, thanks for asking.I have had to 'beg' stbex to accept my revised petition (where I am taking the blame for unreasonable behaviour) just so he won't be hostile.I just want to not have awfulness for the children.

Its just a replay of my marriage over the last few years, I take the blame for his anger and placate him.
We are due to speak tomorrow which is the first time in many weeks and will be strange.
I have to decide if I can face mediation with him for finances or if I should let it go through solicitors.
I've not really be taking enough care of myself and feel the initial relief I had when he first left has gone.I will do something this weekend if ex confirms he is having our son.

TheTapir · 14/12/2016 14:40

Pandora I hope you get your accommodation sorted out soon. What we're going through is stressful enough without having your own space to relax in.

I have had an email from my solicitor which suggests that there is an offer letter on its way shortly, once my stbxh agrees with his solicitors that it can be sent. I hope that it's acceptable or at least a reasonable starting point.

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 14/12/2016 17:50

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TheTapir · 14/12/2016 18:41

Oh no! Never mind, you can get it signed and back in the post tomorrow.

PandoraMole · 14/12/2016 19:35

Thanks ladies.

STBXH is seeing the bank tomorrow afternoon to find out how doable releasing the money is.

He is being so obliging it's ridiculous. So incredibly sad that he couldn't be this kind and helpful before I reached the end of my tether Sad.

faffa I feel your pain - I posted my petition without the marriage certificate!

MsMittens · 14/12/2016 19:47

Hi all

Can I join please? Not yet able to verbalise yet what is going on with us but my now soon to be ex husband has finally told me after years of lies, substance abuse and general fuckwittery that he is pretty sure he is gay I finally feel like I can actually walk away from this toxic marriage and I could do with fellow travellers in the journey. I am so sad and so relieved in equal measure.

JaffaCakesMum · 14/12/2016 20:52

MsMittens, come in and have a cup of tea and a biscuit. This thread has been incredibly helpful whilst going through all the emotional highs and lows and the general shit.

I saw my solicitor today. There is no way that we will doing collaboration after some of the things I told her. I also showed her a photo which left her with her mouth open and unable to speak! He has hinted so many times that he has a offer for me so my solicitor is simply going to ask his solicitor for an offer. I've asked her not to contact me before Christmas unless the offer is what I expect.

MsMittens · 15/12/2016 08:27

Thanks.

Jaffa - I guess all you can do is to wait for the offer to come through and see what it says. Although I think you are right to say not to bother you if it is unreasonable. I'm sorry that you have been through something that is so tough that your solicitor is shocked too. That must have been hard.