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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support for those starting the divorce process

999 replies

hermione2016 · 26/09/2016 09:29

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

OP posts:
PandoraMole · 01/12/2016 18:35

How are we all doing today?

My petition has been served. Had my copy in the post today...Was weird to see it in black and white with the court paperwork attached. DD is with STBXH and due back soon so expecting a cold front there.

Apparently he is going out tonight with 'an old friend...no-one you know' according to DD. She thinks he's being cagey because he has a date Hmm.

JaffaCakesMum · 01/12/2016 19:13

I've just been accused of eating his food! Not me as I don't like the ready meals he buys! I've also been accused of moving something which I did and had to justify why I did it. Needless to say I'll be walking on eggshells this evening.

TheTapir · 01/12/2016 19:27

I've received confirmation from the court that stbxh has returned his part of the petition so I can now apply for the nisi. I am going to check with my solicitor before I do that though as we haven't even started on the finances as he still hasn't returned his form E.

All of the official paperwork is sad, seeing in in black and white makes it all.more real somehow.

PandoraMole · 01/12/2016 19:39

Oh Jaffa what a pita. Is there anywhere you can get away from him within the house?

Tapir I guess you're a step ahead of me. STBXH dropped DD off tonight, announced that he's also received his paperwork and asked if I would go round over the weekend and help him fill in the forms as he doesn't understand them. I thought he just had to sign something to say he wouldn't contest and send it back?

He did seem a bit spruced up for a night at the pictures - either he's on a date or wants me to think he is...

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 02/12/2016 06:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hermonie2016 · 02/12/2016 17:19

Jaffa, I really feel for you, I only had 2 months living in a house together, however when he leaves the relief will be significant.

Did you think he might go soon?

Ex and I are not in agreement on divorce petition so I have suggested it's discussed at mediation which is next week.He is back to nice mode, trying to make up for the horrendous petition by emailing saying I'm a great mum (which I know and only him who criticised my parenting)

Can I ask how 'aggressive" were the petitions? Our solicitors saying you have to demonstrate one person is at fault.I would like to divorce now rather than wait 2 years so know one of us has to be the unreasonable one as no adultery (that I'm so far aware of or able to prove!)

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 02/12/2016 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helpmeltb · 02/12/2016 18:02

My reasons weren't extreme. Stbxh thought it was pretty nice tbh.

I'll pm you.

PandoraMole · 02/12/2016 18:25

Have PM'd you as well Hermione.

You really need to be succinct and to the point which can be difficult when you're dealing with feelings.

I had to soften mine a bit to get it past STBXH but he was pretty accepting of most of it.

Forme2016 · 02/12/2016 19:59

Yes, I kept my reasons pretty mild, my solicitor was good at suggesting wording once I had given my reasons. It was still hard to put into black and white and even more so to see it when the petition arrived but if he hadn't behaved like that we wouldn't be where we are now.

Hope everyone is having a good Friday evening

TheTapir · 02/12/2016 20:19

Faffalotty did you just send a copy of the divorce petition where your stbxh admitted adultery for the proof part of your decree nisi forms?

lem31 · 03/12/2016 00:52

Just found out hubby cheated on me, amongst years of emotional hell with him, I'm through. I have been sahm so have no job, no income and no idea what to do. He has said he wants the house, wants the pets and 50/50 custody. I am in pieces. Is this how it works?? I want him to have regular contact with our son, of course I do. But since birth he's been with me 7 days a week. So what, Now I only see him 3 1/2 days? He has cheated on me, wrecked our marriage but is basically able to magically erase me from his picture perfect life, with more time with our son, more freedom to fuck about with as many 20 year olds as he wants, while I scrabble about with a shit job (hard to get a decent one when you've been out of work for 3 years!) a crappy rented house on my own, seeing my son half what we are both used to. I'm in pieces. How can he do this??

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 03/12/2016 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 03/12/2016 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PandoraMole · 03/12/2016 12:35

Sending (((hugs))) Lem.

As faffa says, get yourself an appointment with a solicitor asap. What your 'H' wants and what a court will have to say on the matter are two entirely different things.

First things first, ensure the practical/financial stuff you can deal with is sorted - apply for any benefits you can claim, make sure your interest in the house and any other joint financial matters is secured and don't forget you can claim help with legal costs - here.

Having another Godawful day as far as living back with the parents is concerned. I have no idea how I'm going to do it, but need to get us out asap after Christmas. We are away overnight tomorrow and I'm going tyo the housing department on Monday afternoon. Don't suppose I'll get anywhere but at least I'll have tried Sad.

JaffaCakesMum · 03/12/2016 14:29

Lem, sorry you are going through this. This thread is great for support and information and as others have said the first thing you need to do is see a solicitor, most offer half an hour free advice. One thing I think we would all agree is that your life will change and you have to accept that your life style will drop but you will be in charge of your own life and you can make things better (or at least that's what I'm hoping for).

Pandora, I hope things improve for you. Do you have a local housing association you could try as well?

I had a 'conversation' with himself a couple of days ago which started ok and ended up with him being very hostile. Anyway, his solicitor wants collaboration, mine says it isn't appropriate. I want to discuss the financials with him direct but his solicitors says no. This is what happens when solicitors get involved - instead of two people fighting for their rights there are now four. Don't get me wrong solicitors are invaluable but where do we go from here!

Hermonie, he had said that he was 90% certain that on 1st Dec he was going to throw the keys at me and fuck the lot of us. I'm not surprised that he hasn't gone but a little disappointed because I can't stand living in the same house.

I have my works Christmas night out tonight. I can see it far enough but I'm going to make the effort. There are over 60 of us so we have the venue to ourselves and I know I will be amongst people I feel safe with. It is local so I will be able to drink without worrying how I get home.

Hermonie2016 · 03/12/2016 16:12

Thanks for the PMs, there does seem to be a range.My H's draft was the nasty version which I know he did on the day I confirmed I wanted him to move out.It was written because he was hurting but I think it shows him for the man he is.I genuinely don't think I could have been capable of his behaviour.

Anyway we are now going to agree a petition via mediation!

Lem, so sorry you are going through this.The start always feels so bleak as you face up to losses but there will be upsides that just aren't visible yet.As others say he can say whatever he likes but it isn't up to him, your son has a right to be housed with his main carer which has been you.50:50 is possible but it has to work for your son.It sounds like your H has had legal advice so just make sure you see a solicitor asap.

Pandora, when you move it will be such a relief.
Jaffa, Has mediation been discounted?

JaffaCakesMum · 03/12/2016 17:39

Hermonie, he hasn't mentioned mediation and that might be possible. His solicitor seems to want to do the most expensive thing.

He has just woken up from an afternoon nap (yes, we are talking about a 56 year old man not a baby) and laid into me about me being money grabbing. I'm a little confused at this as he point blank refuses to discuss the financials with me. Yes, he is still paying the household bills but he has never discussed this with me, and he earns at least four times what I do. I met a friend of mine yesterday whilst I was at work and she says he is inferring that I am getting everything and he is getting nothing. My sister has also said the same when he has spoken to her husband. It would be easy for me to think that he is going to leave me the house but his mind games are getting worse so at the moment I'm not going to guess what he will offer me. However, I do guess he just needs to feel like a victim.

PandoraMole · 03/12/2016 18:19

She says he is inferring that I am getting everything and he is getting nothing. My sister has also said the same when he has spoken to her husband.

Hahahahaha! Mine is doing this too. Moaning (including to DD) that I'm leaving him destitute when in fact I've agreed to go 50/50 on the house (solicitor reckons I could get 70%) and he hasn't, as yet, paid me a penny in maintenance for DD (have asked him for half of what CSA calculator came up with).

Bellend Angry.

Helpmeltb · 03/12/2016 22:14

Jaffa, that's what mine is like too. Poor, hard done by bloke with the money grabbing wife. Yeah, while he earns more than double my salary, can afford a 4 bed detached house, etc. He's feeling broke because he can't plan ahead, budget or say no when he inevitably runs out of money.

Hermonie2016 · 03/12/2016 22:31

I wonder if solicitors warn men that they will lose money so they react to this.Interesting how the loss of money seems most important, not family!

I read that women often feel the emotional loss of a divorce at the start but men have a delayed reaction, by then it's too late.

Jaffa, mediation means you can discuss finances and have disclosure but go back to solicitors for advice.If the deal doesn't feel right you can go together court for a settlement.
I suspect your h had just realised he will lose money, it's signals that you are in a stong position as he's so hacked off!

JaffaCakesMum · 03/12/2016 22:59

Help, Hermonie, it is without a doubt that the money and possessions are more important to him than family and people. I have started changing my future by putting my kids first rather than putting him first and he just thinks I am trying to points score by using the girls. How wrong he is as I'm not playing a game. From now on what is important to me is my girls and me.

Hermonie, he told me a couple of days ago he won't tell me what his pension is worth!!! That leads me to think that it is worth more than I think. I have told him that my fantasy is to keep the house so that I can give the girls a home and if he ends up with a valuable pension then he can keep it even if it means I will end up with less than half. I really don't care about that. If that is what it takes to leave a narcissist then so be it. I'll just be happy to get out.

Forme2016 · 04/12/2016 00:57

Jaffa I wouldn't let that go until you know what his pension is worth. You are entitled to 50/50 of everything so don't sell yourself short. Mine has been VERY reluctant to get a CETV (cash equivalent transfer value) for his pension until he finally saw a solicitor, he was obviously told that is what he had to do. I am amazing myself by sticking to my guns about this and think STBXH is surprised also but his pension is v generous to make up for shift work (emergency services) and I've put up with 20 years of him working Christmas and weekends so I feel I deserve half the pension.

Notwithstanding that I also have a pension which I will happily include 50/50.

It's still all shit. Never thought I'd be in this position, thinking about what I'm "entitled " to Sad

TheTapir · 06/12/2016 16:01

I've sent the application for a decree nisi off today.

I spoke to my solicitor who is going to contact my stbxh's solicitors to say that he needs to fill his financial declaration form in, or make me a sensible offer, taking into account his pensions and savings.

I don't know exactly what he has tucked away but I do know what the properties are worth. I have a figure in mind that I would accept to avoid things dragging on forever and I am sure that he'll be pretty keen for that too. We will see what he comes up with.

PandoraMole · 06/12/2016 21:34

Good luck Tapir

How long did it take you to get from petition to this stage?

I have been round to ex's tonight as he wasn't sure how to film in the Acknowledgement of Service form. Talked him through and have taken it with me to post at work tomorrow - nothing like teamwork to get you through a divorce ConfusedHmm!