Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

Pandora, how awful. At least I know my husband hates me. It would really throw me off if he started being nice to me. That is something he used to do in the past and for years I used to think that things would get better so I don't envy you and how you feel. Every now and then I think that may be he's not as bad as I think but then I look at him and he's fallen asleep on the couch with his mouth wide open, snoring, drooling, his t-shirt has ridden up and his belly is hanging over the top of his trousers and I'm brought back to reality, haha!

Faffalotty, I'd also like to know this. My stbxh received his divorce petition last Tuesday and I've had nothing yet to say he's returned it. My copy said that I should hear within 14 days and if not, what the options are then. I am worried that he's going to be awkward about this too so I really want to get the confirmation soon.

Jaffa - he was back to shirty with me today, probably because I didn't reply to that text. I just didn't know what to say so thought radio silence might be better than going through it all again.

Can I ask how long it's taken the courts to send out your petitions? I sent mine signed for last Monday and still haven't heard anything. Have emailed twice and tried calling today but was 19th in the queue!

I'm wondering if it's gone missing

I forgot the marriage cert originally - posted Tuesday night, was back on the Saturday, reposted on the Monday...it's been nearly 2 weeks.

I've also applied for financial help so perhaps that's an issue.

Really could do without delays.

Oh my, you're all so organised, I think I'm in denial. I know mine was filed with the court on 7 November and he's had the letter but he initially said he couldn't respond in that time so I would need to tell my solicitor. I haven't, not sure what I should do now.,,

Hooray! Letter from court this morning.

Obviously my application for financial help caused the hold up, but I have just received a letter stating that I only need to pay £100 of the £550 fee, so that's in the post Monday and can finally get the ball rolling .

STBXH picked DD up this morning for the day. He was ok-ish with me. We've also all agreed that he will come round mid-afternoon on Christmas day and spend the rest of the evening with us which I think is the best solution possible for this year.

It's weird as I do feel a bit sorry for him and there's no real ill-feeling otherwise, just frustration. I've always been the 'dumpee' rather than the dumper in previous relationships and thought the person who finished the relationship was a heartless bugger who had it easy. I can see now that that's not necessarily the case.

It's an odd position to be in at my age after so many years together.

As sad as it is though, the feeling that I am finally making my decisions myself, for me (and DD of course) and being true to myself and in control of my destiny is just wonderful, even though I know there will be bumps along the way.

Good for you Pandora, you're obviously very aware of his feelings too which is admirable really and are considering your DD with the Christmas arrangements. Hope that won't be too difficult for you, esp with your mum.

Enjoy your day today, hope you've got something nice planned

Glad you got the financial help Pandora.

I think I've got a bit closer to reaching an agreement. Sent stbxh an email yesterday about what I thought we'd planned, how his rent the other night contradicted it. We had a chat and he seems to be coming round to my way of thinking. I pointed out he's totally ignoring a huge chunk of costs associated with having 2 households. God, I've been responsible for pointing out obvious stuff like this for years. I can't wait to not have this stress anymore!

and I've just popped home from my parents' place where I am dog/house sitting this weekend and there was a letter from his solicitors with a copy of his response to the divorce petition. He's admitted to the adultery and isn't going to contest the divorce which is what I wanted, but it hurts so much to see it in writing. Now I have to wait for the official response from court and move on to worrying about the financial stuff.

This process is totally soul destroying and I just want it all to be over with. I am trying to remember that this is another step on the path to my new life.

Good news about the financial help PandoraMole.

Sorry that knocked you for six Tapir.

I'm finding it all feels a bit surreal at the momen. It feels strange and wrong that I actually am quite positive most of the time...I guess I will have a few jolts coming once the process starts in earnest. I'm not normally someone that can emotionally detach easily so it's completely foreign territory for me and I think has taken STBXH by surprise.

faffa sorry, I can't remember...do you have young DCs? I'm planning on keeping my marrived name purely for logistical reasons ie easier to travel abroad if same name as DD on passports etc. I'm not overly keen on married name but it's alright and will probably revert to my maiden name once DD is 18.

Faffalotty the response is pretty much just one word answers and is only two sides of a4, one with the questions and one for their/their solicitor's signature

Where do you live?
Do you agree with the reasons in the petition?
Are you going to contest?
Do you admit the adultery?

That kind of stuff.

When I didn't know about all the cheating I was going to keep my married name as my maiden name is very common and the thought of having to change it everywhere was daunting. Now I do know about the deceit, I am planning to change back. I have already changed it on social media but that's all I can do until we are actually divorced. It's going to be strange going back to it after 15 years and I really hate being Ms. I also think that it's crap that his actions are once again going to cost me time, money and hurt to get rid of his name.

Also I am having to move as quickly as possible with the divorce as there has been a suggestion that he has been hiding money away so that I won't get my fair share. It's a lot to process all at once but if it means that it will all be over with asap then it's worth it.

It's my 40th birthday next May and I'd really like it all to be done by then and ideally that I'd be in my new home.

I have to say I'm a bit envious of the rest of you as you seem to be further ahead in the process than I am. However I am in Scotland and the process is different. You have to have the i's dotted and the t's crossed on the financial stuff, then get divorced and there is no recourse on the financial stuff after you are divorced.

I am having to watch my emotions at the moment because I am getting excited at the prospect of him moving out in December but I also have my doubts about that and it could just be another mind game and that would be a huge kick in the teeth for me.

I'm just going to keep my married name, firstly because it's better than my maiden name, and secondly because I can't be bothered with all the hassle of changing it.

Tapir, I'll be 50 in May and there will be no big celabrations as I won't have anyone to share it with but your comments have given me something to work towards. I won't be divorced by then but I'd like to have everything tied up ready to fill in the divorce papers.

JaffaCakesMum, all the financial stuff has to be sorted before the divorce is finalised here too, but you can start the divorce process off first. We can celebrate our big birthdays together in spirit :). I am not sure what I will be doing, of course STBXH had a special holiday for his 40th a few years ago, but I am considering a holiday once I know if I can afford it.

I've just had an email from my STBXH asking if I want to meet up to discuss finances - I think the fact that he's now had two letters from my solicitors requesting that he fill in and return his financial disclosure form should have answered that for him already. I am very suspicious that he doesn't want to fill the form in because he will have to tell me about funds that I am currently unaware of.

Anyway, at least it means that I now have the pleasure of totally ignoring his communication which will piss him off I am sure!

Hi everyone, hope you're all doing ok. I could really do with some support. My husband walked out on me July 2015 to be with another woman. They wear rings on their wedding fingers, live together and have had a baby July 2016. I have two children 7 & 4 with husband, he had an affair when I was 5 months pregnant with our youngest. We went to relate etc... he now see's his children sporadically as he works shifts in RAF. We were being evicted from the family home in Wiltshire as it was military accommodation and I couldn't get social housing as hadn't lived in the county long enough. I didn't get any help from my husband whatsoever during this time. I made the decision to move to Lincolnshire to be near my sister for support. Husband is filing for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behavior which I find pathetic and devastating. He is being bullying saying I have to drive half way to drop children off when he wants to see them. He wants alternate Christmas's yet doesn't seem to be bothered that both our children have suffered with him walking out and leaving us. I just feel so alone and at a loss of what to do. He makes me feel like I am the one who has done wrong. Please can anyone offer any advice? X

Wow Bumble - I'm not sure I have any advice but am sending a virtual hug, & .

I think the word cockwomble was made for your ex.

I think the one thing I would say, and I know it's incredibly hard, is try to keep the moral high ground and don't let the fact that your ex is a monumental arsehole get in the way of you making the best possible choices for your kids, whether it benefits him or not.

Look after yourself, and lean on the people who want to be there for you. It's great that you've been able to move near your sister for support.

Can you look into getting some counselling through your local GP if you feel it would help? I had CBT in the run up to leaving my STBXH and it was invaluable in helping me feel able to cope with what was going on.

Apparently I did have some advice after all...

Thank you Pandora... I was having CAT as his affair triggered loads of stuff for me... I get that marriages break down etc.. I just don't understand how he can just turn so horrible towards me. I was devastated when he left. I'm trying to rebuild my life for me and the kids. You're right though he is a cockwomble. Lol. He's insisting on alternate Christmas's, can I refuse? The kids are so young still. But the idiot says it's not in the kids best interest to not bond with his new partner and their new half sister. Makes me sick :(

Bumblebee - sounds like you're doing an amazing job having been through such an awful time. I think we'd all agree that trying to understand the appalling behaviour of these men is a waste of our time and energy.

Him insisting on alternate Christmases is probably more to make him feel better but a year is a really long time in the life of a 7 & 4 year old, by this time next year who knows how things will be? Try to focus on the next few weeks only and look after yourself and your DC.

Unfortunately, as we all know, time is the only healer and there's nothing we can do to rush it.

Bumblebee, So sorry you are going through this pain.I can't believe some women are so gullible to fall for a man who has a wife and young children.She will learn for herself that your ex is untrustworthy.

The children are young but if he thinks having a blended family is easy he will soon learn.Having been a step family it's often not happy families!

Plan on your Christmas this year and then agree next year subject to him having regular contact.

I start the mediation process next week and am fearful as H has been secretive over finances.I came into the relationship solvent (own mortgage free house, excellent salary, pension) but have gone backwards financially as I stayed off work mostly when I had dc as stbxh career took him away alot.

when we separated I had this enormous energy/adrenalin which has now gone and I am left feeling drained.
The reality is hitting and I was out with a group of girl friends last night and I was the only one separated.I felt sad and realise at 51 I'm likely to be alone, but know a bad relationship is not worth being in.
House hasn't sold but we have lots of viewers.I imagine it will go quiet up to Christmas.
I've asked stbxh to consider plans for Christmas but haven't heard back.I am trying to keep low contact, just discussing dc arrangements.I don't believe he has an OW but realise it won't be long before he does.

There are so many steps, legal, financial and emotional in the process of getting unmarried and each seem to bring a different set and intensity of emotions.